MIL Thanksgiving Drama (Yes, Already). WWYD?

How well do you know her? Any idea why she's so rigid with this particular holiday, especially since she isn't with any other holidays? What does it actually mean to her/them? It could be something deeply personal for their family. Understanding that might help you feel better about it.

It's not just Thanksgiving, it's your husband's family reunion. Has your MIL monopolized the holiday? Yes, but she hasn't claimed any other holiday (and believe me, many of us wish our MIL were so accommodating).

Take a different holiday and reserve it for your family alone. Try Memorial Day or Labor Day and invite the whole family. It will be your special day, as Thanksgiving is hers.

To me, it's not a day, it's a 4 day weekend. The day itself shouldn't be so important that it causes family issues. If it means more to someone else that they do it on "the day", then by all means, let them have all the work at their place :)

She's not going to be around forever, and since she is widowed and this is a big shindig for her, it's an anchor - kinda like a kid with a security blanket. Make it Thanksgiving weekend - she gets the day, and you can do Saturday with yours. Keep Chirstmas at home with your son.

If it's not upsetting your parents and you are available for Christmas and your MIL is a nice woman, I think I'd let it go. The way you say it's the highlight of the year for her tugs on the heart strings.... And if it's the only time everyone from that family is together, I can see why she clings to it.

I don't think you're out of line here so much as not understanding that your mother-in-law isn't just acting like a brat here. In your description about how she plans the holidays, I see a very lonely elderly woman who is not in the best of health and doesn't see any of her children except for Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas if she's lucky. This is her one guaranteed time of year to see her children and grandchildren.

I suspect that it's not simply a "preference" for her to hostess the holidays in her own home, but a necessity. A physical and mental necessity. She may very well have health issues that keep her from traveling, and she may have mental health or neurological issues that cause her to become confused when she's not in her own surroundings. Mild dementia, for instance. If you only see her once a year, then you might not notice any decline. She could be "on" when you see her because she's in her own home and doing what she loves.

If she were to travel, it would be physically difficult for her and very possibly confusing or worse. If she does have dementia, even in early stages, it can become much worse after the sun sets. I've seen this happen personally, and I wish we had recognized the signs much sooner than we did in my father-in-law.

It's just that... even if your parents are around the same age and doing really well, not all people age the same way. Add to it that your MIL is widowed, she has no one to travel with to help her stay safe. She has no one to ground her. Flying would be an ordeal and driving would be a disaster if what I suspect is true. Home is her safety zone.

I think that your husband is right to want to protect his mother this way. I also think that you and your husband should plan to visit with her more often than once a year. Try to be more involved in her life, at least to the point that you're aware of her health issues and if there are changes in her health and mental health you can help her.

I think if it's the ONE holiday where everyone from that family gathers, then let that holiday be hers and you can spend Christmas, Easter or whatever holidays you celebrate with your family. My husband's family has been gathering for Thanksgiving for more than 40 years. That's their only extended family holiday. We'll skip Passover, avoid the large gathering at Hanukkah, pass on the 4th of July or Labor Day BBQs if we have other plans, etc. but Thanksgiving is pretty much set in stone and my family is fine with that. If my IL's Thanksgiving celebration is close enough that we can visit both families on the same day, we do. But my parents are fine with the fact that this is the one extended family holiday that they have. Our extended family holiday is, oddly enough, July 4.

I like the idea of two Thanksgivings - perhaps see your family the weekend before or after and spend Thanksgiving with your MIL. The way I see it is that at 70, she won't have years and years and years ahead of her where she can host. At some point, it will be too much and she'll have to be flexible. Let her hold on to this for now, and then let her know that for Christmas and any other holidays, you are invoking the right to spend that time with your family and those are the holidays she needs to be flexible with.

I agree there are others days you could use for the celebration for your family. Given your MIL's age and it being the one holiday she asks be hers at her house, I would give in and go there. It's not a hill worth dying on in my opinion and I don't really see the drama unless you dig in your heels. I will say I am impressed you guys are discussing turkey day in February. Surely that's a record. :) Good luck.

I vote for going to his moms not for his mom but because its the only time you see his siblings. I cant imagine skipping that J. because you want to share tradition on your side.
Do thanksgiving with your family another day

The Thursday Thanksgiving falls on is just a day. Why not celebrate Thanksgiving with your family the weekend before or after that Thursday? Do you have the option to travel before or after? Both of out families live locally, so that's what we have to do, to make sure we see everyone. It has worked well, and the day ends up not even mattering.

Honestly, I'd work something else out with my family. I get that this means you miss out on your family's traditions, but it sounds like it is the ONLY day she wants and that her heart is hung on this day. It sounds like it's the highlight of her year...and life.

My all time FAVORITE day to spend with my side of the family is 4th of July. We don't always make it, but that is the ONE holiday I'd insist on us spending with my mom, if I we had the resources to travel every year. Do you have a day like that - this isn't Thanksgiving? If so, that would be how I'd work this out with my husband.

good luck!
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We have never lived close enough to family to worry about this.

How do my siblings handle it?

They switch years. One year is Thanksgiving with our family - then Christmas with the spouse. Next year? Thanksgiving with spouse's family. Christmas at ours.

You are not out of line. Does it suck to have to "share" yes, it does. However, it does end up working out.

To be honest - it's really just a day. We can be thankful any day. So why not suggest another weekend? is that too much to ask? There has to be give and take somewhere.

You can't make both families due to the location of everyone. I get that your mother in law wants it her way. And it doesn't help that your husband isn't seeing the "big picture".

I hope you find common ground!!

**ETA: My Mom, is a Widow as well. She is not rigid, as your MIL about any Holidays, but she is older than your MIL.
So, age and being a Widow... is NO excuse.
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- You have been sucking it up for the past 5-6 years.
- She has to have Thanksgiving Day. Your Husband has to, or chooses to, please his Mom.
- Most of this, seems to be about your Husband's family/In-Laws... and Thanksgiving and what they want.
- Again, you have been doing this since your child was born.
- PLUS, your Husband/and you, are the only ones that live close to her, AND you/your Husband, helps her with finances/appointments/household logistics and MORE.
- So, you/Hubby are seeing MIL, much more, other than only on Thanksgiving plus you visit her once a month etc. AND do her household/finances for her.
So, your Husband and you by default, are doing a TON for her. 12 months a year.

- Then, you have your own family. Who live 2 states away, and per logistics it is hard for them to travel to your MIL's home because they live in the opposite direction from you. AND your parents also have to travel between you and your sister ANNUALLY and also host Thanksgiving themselves. Which is normal. Normal.
- BUT, your Husband/his Mom, are expecting YOUR family to do all the traveling to her house and to amend their annual travel plans/logistics/personal family obligations & travel, to go to your MIL's home for Thanksgiving. But this is not, doable. For your family. And this too, is normal. Each side of the family, has their own family to do things for too.
-- BUT the bottom line is:
Your Husband just wants to please his Mommy, and expects you to too.
BUT, he does not consider your wishes/feelings nor your family and their own logistics/hardships/feelings... about the holidays, nor your NORMAL wishes for seeing your own family... with your child... for their Thanksgiving, too.

AND the thing is: your Husband has to realize... that he is married. As such, there is a Wife to consider too, and HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY, too. Because... HE is a PART of HER, family too and thus as such, has obligations and familial obligations/responsibilities to HER side of the family... as well. This is what being married is. And as it is... it seems you only get to see your family, during Christmas when you parents are not alternating between you and your sister and it is your turn to see them when they come to visit you. So at best, you only see them every other year, for Christmas????
That is hardly, anything.

-Meanwhile, you and your Hubby & your child see your MIL every month. Plus for the past 5-6 years since your child was born, every Thanksgiving at MIL's house. So that is a lot.

- How often... has your own family... seen you or their Grandchild? How often, has your sister seen her nephew? For how many holidays a year?
How would your Husband feel, if you had to help financially and with household logistics, for your Mom?

- I get that his Mom is 70, and a widow and what not. But your own parents... must be aging as well. And one day, they will not be able to visit or travel so much. And meanwhile, you HARDLY get to see them, with your child.
And again... your Husband is married, has a Wife and as such, HE as a man and as a Husband... ALSO HAS familial duties and obligations, to his In-Laws too. For, his wife. He is a part of 2 families, now.
And not only his... family. He is not the only offspring of his Mom, either.

So to me, your Husband can go to Thanksgiving to his Mom's.
You can go to your family's with your child. Because they hardly get to see you/your child at all, much less for Thanksgiving. And only on alternate Christmas's every other year at your house. That is not much.

To me, you have done a lot for your In-laws and are very understanding.
And there is nothing wrong... with wanting to see your own family, no matter what holiday it is. Or even for a non-holiday trip.
You do not seem to make demands... on them or MIL.
And just this ONCE... I don't see why you can't see your family for Thanksgiving.
And also because, as you said, your family has their own traditions TOO. It would be nice for your child to see that TOO. (my opinion).
And it would be nice, for your child AND Husband, to make a point of seeing them, TOO. Since you all... seem to hardly see your own parents/family, at all.
Your Husband... ALSO has a duty... to make face-time and trips... for your family and parents, too. That is what a Husband and Man, is.
But your Husband seems a bit of a Mama's boy.

Your parents are aging too.
And, you HAVE BEEN already... sucking it up for MIL and Hubby.
There is NOTHING wrong, with your request to see your side of the family. Just this once.
YOU have made tons of compromises already.
What if your parents/family needs all that help your Husband gives his Mom?
It can't be only one sided.
I'd think, it would be NICE to see your parents and sister, all at one time... together for a family gathering, PLUS with your Husband too and your child all there at your parents.
You hardly seem to get to do that.
You hardly seem to get to see your parents, at your parents house, at all.
Your parents are the one's that seem to have to travel to see you or your sister. I am sure, they and your side of the family, would LOVE to see you/your child/your Husband... all at one time at their family gathering.

You are not out of line. Once a tradition is started, it is very hard to break, for so many reasons. Especially if everyone is as nice as your families sound.

I do not think you have only the choices of "sucking it up" or "standing your ground". This kind of decision casts all sorts of itty bitty resentment that grows with the years. The way it is framed now, someone loses. I hope that you will get some help with this decision, from this group, a counselor, a pastor, etc. The goal is to find a decision you and your husband feel good about. It really is a big deal to you, your husband and his Mom. I speak from experience. All my best.

I don't think your MIL should get Thanksgiving EVERY year. I know that Thanksgiving is just a day, but if your parents are hosting others (even if only sometimes) then you miss out on seeing those people if you aren't there for the actual holiday. Why can't you celebrate with your MIL on a different day? I'd stand my ground and make a case for hosting at your house or visiting your parents, especially if they will be hosting other family members. I can see where your husband is coming from, but it's not fair for there to be no changes because your MIL doesn't want to change her routine.

I think you're right and justified in your request. Marriage is about compromise for husband and wife AND extended families where holidays are concerned. Traditions change, and MIL, FIL, brothers/sisters should be willing to "bend" a little.

However, that all being said, changing traditions of a 70-something widow might not come too easy. If that is the only major holiday you actually spend at her home, then I'd have to weigh my decision based on that and my relationship with her. Is it a good one or is she always causing drama? I believe you have to consider that you probably won't be celebrating this holiday at her home forever given her age. If it's once a year, I'd probably suck it up, but I would talk to hubby about having his siblings prepare to "help her out" with other responsibilities while they are in town. Some big house project or financial situation - they need to come into town prepared to help out or handle on their own. They owe you and your husband that much.

Good luck!

I would suck it up. But having said that maybe you could do thanksgiving with them on the actual day and then plan at your house a thanksgiving meal on Saturday or sunday to have your family over.

We have learned in our growing families that Thanksgiving OR Christmas can be celebrated a little before or a little after the actual day. However since this one day seems to mean so much to your husband's mother, unless you can see if she's willing to change the day (along with your husband's siblings), then I think I would do it her way.

Blessings.....

Not every family would go for this, but this has worked for mine.

My husbands family has a VERY established family tradition of having dinner at his Aunt Nancy's house. She's hosted for (literally) the last 46 years. The WHOLE extended family is there - and it's not going to change.

In my family, we started having dinner on Saturday. It worked well with my mom's schedule (she was a nurse - recently retired) and often had to work on either Thursday or Friday of Thanksgiving week. We just decided that it really did not matter to us what day we got together, so we shifted my families celebration to Saturday. It works for all my siblings who attend, and we travel to my parents on Friday, so we can enjoy the whole day with my in-laws on Thursday.

Is your family willing to adjust so you could do both?

J.

Usually I'd say to do what's best for your family but it this case I'd say to keep going to your MIL's for Thanksgiving. She plans this 6 months in advanced. It's her one big major thing. Let her keep having that one big major thing. Soon enough she'll be gone and your children will have that fond memory of Thanksgiving at gram's house.

I think your husband is being unreasonable . . . he is NOT looking at this objectively. You have been more than fair and accommodating.

I think I'd work on him understanding why there is absolutely NO compromise with this situation and what's wrong with that picture.

JMO.

This doesn't really sound like something to argue over. If you always go to his mother's for Thanksgiving... well, that is your "tradition". I would suck it up. Absolutely.

I would suck it up. Maybe set up a special trip to your parents place during the year but save that one day for mil since it means so much to her.

I am so blessed that everything fell into place for us (I really do know I'm lucky). My MIL gets both Thanksgiving and Christmas. My parents get the Saturday after Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. (They also join us at my MIL's on Thanksgiving Day.) We get Christmas morning to ourselves, we take our time and try to be ready to leave by noon. It's a 2 hour drive to my MIL's house.

It works for us. Everyone is happy. My brother's wife is happy as well. Her parents have offered to let my parents have one of those days every year, but since it works out well with my in-laws, we have all decided that our traditions are working so we're not changing anything.

Maybe it's time to think outside the box and come up with a new tradition for you side of the family. Something that everyone will be able to be a part of. It doesn't have to be Thanksgiving Day in order to be a special time with your family.

Meh...she's asking (OK--demanding!) O. day out of the year.
You're husband has already voiced his opinion.
Is it worth arguing over from Feb. til November?

I know it's frustrating. Like my in-laws who have the "we don't leave our house on Christmas Day" law. Is it dair? no. us it ligical? Nope. But it's not going to change. So we get there. Some years we stay a long time, others a couple of hours. Depends on our plans for the whole day. We can't change them, only our own actions. We'd never NOT go and disappoint them though.

Good luck.

I would say to your DH that you have family you would like to see, too, so how can you make it work? Can you see his mom around Thanksgiving instead of ON Thanksgiving? Can he go get her to bring her to your home?

I lost the battle for my side's Thanksgiving. They won't come to my house. They are too stuck in their ways. So I host my ILs and my mom (who doesn't like her SIL anyway) and see my side at Christmas. I can understand her preferences, but you're allowed preferences, too. Allowing her to dictate your holiday is making it really hard for you to have celebrations with your family. How would he like it if you never saw his side of the family but insisted on always going to yours? I think offering to host is a good compromise, and it's a shame she won't take it.

I similarly tried to take my uncle up on a joint vacation (his version of vacation is different than ours but we tried to find a compromise). When I asked my aunt if they'd spend the weekend here (we live close to DC and could play tour guide) I had one of the most uncomfortable conversations with her ever. Basically she blamed the dogs (who can't get a sitter for one night for a dog? Seriously. Their son is 21 and lives with them and could watch the dogs.) I was pretty hurt. She was also one of those who first wanted to come here for Thanksgiving and then shifted her family back to my uncle's home and took it away from me. So I've come to realize that I'm too city mouse for them and if I don't travel to them, then they don't see us. But that didn't stop me from doing my own Thanksgiving anyway and frankly, it's more enjoyable. I know a lot of people who celebrate all weekend and we pick a day somewhere around Christmas to see my ILs so nobody worries about Christmas Day.

One of the things we do when we get married is to form our own traditions. In many cases, these are adaptations of traditions already in place with our respective families.

For as many people as you ask, you will get different responses on what their traditiosn are for celebrating the holidays. Some reserve the holiday for just their immediate family, others alternate b/t "his" & "hers", others try to fit everyone in on one day, & others try to spread the joy over multiple days.

The most important thing to remember, though, is that just because something is right for one family doesn't mean it is right for another. And most people will give you feedback on whether what is happening in your family is right or wrong based on whether they do it or not, or want to do it & can't.

That said, my personal take on the issue is that you need to do what is right for the long-term. It sounds like the actual day of Thanksgiving is very important to your husband's mother. Perhaps the specific day is not as important to you & your side of the family, but just being able to get together would mean a lot.

In that case, maybe a compromise could be made, to honor his mother's desire to have her family on this holiday, & then to spend time the weekend following visiting your parents (having them over, meeting halfway, whatever).

The sad fact is that for all of us, our parents are only in our lives for a finite period of time. It is far more important to spend time with them, than to get disgruntled over whether or not the time spent was done so on your particular terms.

I'm sure there are many other variables to this situation that are not discussed, but at the end of the day, I would suggest you think about what you really want, and what you need.

If what you want is to be able to spend more time with your side of the family, then leave this Thanksgiving tradition the way it is, & work with your husband to find a way to visit your folks more often, etc.

If what you want is to not be locked into spending Thanksgiving with his mother, then hopefully your reasons for that are not malicious. This requires you to be more introspective to determine what you are feeling, & why. And to think about what type of solution will give you more peace, this year & in the long-term.

On a personal note to you, your last comment in your question asks if you should "stand your ground". Take some time to make sure that you aren't trying to change things just because you want to be the one who makes your own decisions. Human nature lends us to sometimes be petty in our motives, and sometimes we need to step back and look at the big picture & the outcomes to know what the right thing to do is.

Good luck, I'm sure you & your husband will be able to work it out.

Well, our family does two Thanksgivings. One side will host the weekend before so we all get a chance to travel and have dinner with both sets. If your mil plans this far in advance, perhaps this would be a good option for her. I think it is time you spent Thanksgiving with your family since you are there seeing them every year. And sure it might be family reunion for that side of the family, but it is for yours too and you have missed out on that multiple times in a row.

We will also rotate holidays where we go to one for Thanksgiving and the other for Christmas, than we switch the next year. This year, I m tired of drama so I plan on staying home and having our own traditions!

Ok, I have a similar issue with my MIL. She wants every summer holiday and winter holidays with her. The venue doesn't always matter, as long as we are all together. She once wanted us together for Groundhogs Day!!! Seriously!!! Problem with my MIL is her attitude can be quite offensive to my family, to the point where we can't even do joint family gatherings anymore.

We rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas between our families. MIL got Thanksgiving 2012, so she will get Christmas 2013. It's a challenge for both hubby and I to do this this way. His family eats and goes to sleep. My family eats, parties, plays games, have drinks, etc. But we made an agreement that works for us.....NOT MIL!!! She has no say in what we do as a married couple and I think that's the problem you're facing.

Your MIL has a say in your husband's ear on how Thanksgiving is going to go down and that shouldn't be. My MIL used to ask us months in advance what we're doing for a particular holiday. It was like she was "booking" us in advance. Like before Feb is over, we would already be committed to going to her house for Memorial Day. Trust me, it took some praying, but eventually we both put a stop to that. If she can control your decisions on what you want to do, she will (if not already) be controlling something else that will affect your marriage.