Need Advice About My Dad

I just want to reiterate that I would not do the sleepovers unless you are there with her. Most three year olds do not do sleep overs. You may have to set limits with him if he is that somthering. Maybe he needs to get involved with a adult group and connect with people his age.

My dad LOVES his grandchildren. My kids especially are VERY close to him and so are my sisters. People make comments about how much my kids love my dad but the truth is he plays with them. He takes them to McDonalds. When he watches them or is with them...its about them and what they want to do. He goes on business trips here and there and its a necessity to skype him at least a couple to few times during the week. Both him and the kids love it. My oldest daughter doesn't even have her own phone number memorized but she has his....

My dad is still married to my mom and my IL's are still married. My kids see all of them on a regular basis. So, what I'm trying to say is, your dad loves your daughter...I don't think there is anything abnormal about that. Just try your best to fit him in you and your daughters life the best you can.

I say enjoy family while they're here. My family is very close.

When we have holidays, it's [most often] in my home so my inlaws, my EX inlaws, my step-parents, my parents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, close friends, and all the kids can come and have a wonderful time together. And yes... My ex's family are part of my family still too. Just because I divorced their son, brother, whatever... Doesn't mean I divorced them too.

My mom irritates me to no end (calling me all the time and many other things), but that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with her as much as I can... You never know how long someone will be around. My best friend's mother was only a few years older than my mom... Died of lung cancer. A friend of mine, 45yrs old... Died of a brain aneurism (sp?). Her daughter is 15.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Just let him know that you're not thrilled having your 3yr old over night anywhere yet.

I say, what's the huge deal about having holidays at his house this year? It's not like you cannot visit other family other days.

The affairs are none of your concern [IMHO]. This should have nothing to do with how you view your father. My dad had affairs on my mother... It had nothing to do with me... I love him as my dad. Not as my mother's conscience, savior, or defendant. I learned as I became an adult that both of my parents have issues that caused a chain reaction ending in their divorce.

Just have an adult talk with your dad. Let him know that you already have a schedule going and he's included in it when it's his time. Don't be afraid to tell him YOU are not ready for your daughter to do overnights just yet, let him know that someday you will be ready but not just yet.... You may have to repeat it a few times, don't feel bad about saying "no" to anyone or anything. Keep your power :)
Being a product of divorce is always hard. I hate juggling the parentals during the holidays. You'll figure it out tho.

My parents seperated 2 years ago. Now are divorcing. My dad has always been close to my oldest but as he has gotten older the closeness has went away some. He always had us bring the kids to him, never went out of his way to see the kids or us. My dad and I weren't close growing up, he was never a hands on dad, just present.

Now that my dad is on his own his eyes were opened on the lack of connection we really had and how it was my mom who invited us over and everything. He comes and takes the kids every Sunday now. He has said that he is going to have a relationship with my two little ones and not let them slip away like he did the other 3 and how much he missed out with us kids, as he will never get that time back. He has taken them over night ( 3 &4) only a couple of times. But he loves it!! They make tents in the living room, eat popcorn and watch movies. He invites us over one night every other week for dinner and atleast once a week I make enough for him to come and get dinner and lunch the next day. Some times he will eat with us, others he takes it to go. Its so nice to have a relationship with my dad after all of these years! Its too bad it took my mom leaving to open his eyes, but Im glad they are opened!

I say have a holiday time at your dad's house, you just have to juggle it in like the rest of the family/ in laws. Let your dad take her over night once a month and enjoy his presence, he's not going to be there forever. I understand he has messed up in his past, but there comes a time to forgive also. The connection between a child and a grandparent is so wonderful!! I wish I could see mine even one more time.

Take each request as it comes...

If you don't think she's ready for overnights, then it's a no.
Dinner at his house as a family twice a month is fine for you, great. More than that, no if it's too much.
Screen your calls.

Holidays are always tricky, especially with multiple households. Just a thought... rotate them. Thanksgiving with mom, Christmas with dad. Next year, reverse it. If it gets to be too much... stay home and have a family holiday party on a random weekend in December. That's what we started doing b/c we go to FL to be with my family at Christmas and Thanksgiving rotates between households. So... we do a family party the weekend or two before Christmas at our house so the kids can exchange gifts and we all get to see one another.

Be flexible and supportive, but remember that you have a family to care for.

I'm surprised at M.D.'s answer, he's her GRANDPA! I'm sure his intentions are in the right place. You didn't mention anything worrysome to me. I'd try to make the best of it. I wish my Dad would be as involved in my kids lives.

Maybe you could have Christmas at his new home over New Years or on another date close to the holiday? We've started doing our own Christmas at our home on the actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day holiday, and spreading out Christmas with my family and my in-laws to the weekends before and after Christmas.

Good luck!
J.

I would deal with each thing individually. If you don't want overnights, say no. If he wants to do holidays, then maybe do a rotation. My aunt was widowed so she has hers, his and new his to visit. We get her on Christmas. I do Thanksgiving with my ILs and we do DH's side for Christmas somewhere between the 24th and NYE. I was so happy to find out they did that!

Her birthday parties can start to fade out all the extra relatives if she's 3. That will limit the "dad, put her down" requests. They can do something solo or with just family later.

I'd also suggest to him that he find a hobby. Maybe join a Meet Up to find someone else to hang out with. I wonder if part of his clingyness is that he made his bed (so to speak) and you are one of the few who allow him to still be a part of your lives. Some of what he's going through is what you go through when you screw up. I wouldn't protect him from the learning process at the expense of your family. It sounds like you are putting up boundaries, and that is good. He needs boundaries. I also like the schedule idea. Maybe once every other week to start and see how that goes.

Even without the affair business, this is some of what I hear from my sister. Her ILs never get out so they want Sis and BIL to come over all the time, in part being that BIL is their only son that actually visits them and it drives Sis crazy to be stuck every weekend being the social life for them. Many times she tells BIL to go alone, she can't deal with it this week (she and the ILs don't always get along - after planning her baby shower, I can see why). So it's not just you.

I wish I had this problem....the relationship he had with your mother does not dictate who he is as a grandparent. Why are you uncomfortable with his attention on your daughter? Do you feel it is improper, or are you upset because he cheated on you mom and you are punishing him by not letting him be a doating grandpa? If you feel he is improper with your DD or that she is too young then no dont allow the sleepovers. Go with you gut feeling.

Just go with your gut. If you don't feel comfortable with letting her stay over night just let him know he can visit or vice versa. As long as your not angerly telling him NO, I think you can get your point across. With anyone whether it is a relative or a significant other, if you feel smothered you pull back (IMO). That is awesome that you have such involved family! Set the boundries to what you feel is within your comfort zone. It's your child so just draw the line where you feel the most at ease. I feel so sorry that your mom had to endure all of the affairs and I am sure that you will never be able to erase what you saw or how betrayed you felt as a child to witness it actually happening. I am sure that he is trying to compensate for some of his wrong doings with you and your daughter. Try to have the healthiest relationship you can, your in control. Good luck.

I think you need to take a step back and kind of look at what you are asking here. You want him to be less involved and not invite you over for dinner so much? I wish i had that problem! I know there may be more to the story, and I am not in the situation so maybe this would be a better approach: Schedule times to have dinner and other things in advance? Write them on a calendar so you know what time you have free for your in-laws, etc.

As far as the sleepover goes, if you arent comfortable, you arent comfortable. Work up to that with him and maybe in a few months or so, it wont be a big deal anymore. Good Luck!