Need Advice - The Colony, TX

Hi M.,

When did you start the meds with him? These medications have severe consequences that many do not tell you. Are his moods worse now that he is on the med? Have you tried to cut out foods with food additives and dyes and chemicals they have a huge impact on children's behavior. Sugar is bad too! If you would want to chat more please call ###-###-#### or email me at ____@____.com. I have many ideas to share that could help

You are not out of line at ALL to ask him to be there to help with HIS son, you should not have to have all the responsibility at ALL. And if you are there all day, and then will be there three nights without him, thats crazy under the circumstances you discribe. You are run down with the stress it sounds like , so how are you going to get better to cope with the rest of the family or him, if you have to do most of it???? A lot of times they have programs and helps for boys like him, but if nothing seems tobe helping, a special school for now to get him on track sound like a good option. It isn't fair to the rest of the family for one person to bring havac on everyone else if different things have been tried to let him stay at home.

speaking from experience....NO! It is not too much for you to ask him to postpone his school. These are HIS children. Yes, you agreed to raise them as your own, but when you get down to it there are HIS responsibility. Trust me on this one.

My husband of almost 12 yrs and I have been raising his two since they were in the 3rd and 4th grade. More like I raised them because I was the one home while he went to work and the mother in another state went on with her life (except during her court assigned visitation). We also have a 5yr old together.

The oldest started giving us trouble when she hit 16 and it never stopped until she moved out last year at 18. Actually she and I got into it and I told her to go live with her mother is she couldn't follow our rules here. She opted to just move out. It took several months with a counselor for me to realize that I never should have been put in the place of raising this kids to begin with. Their mother and father should have been doing it. Yes, I still had a parenting role, but I never should have been the SOLE Parent doing the raising.

Now, I have gone from "Mom" to step mother in my daughter's eyes. She has also disowned her father because he is supporting me emotionaly. Lucky for us our Middle child (DH's yougest) can see the errors in his sister's ways and is a great kid and gives us no problems. However, this time around I am saving myself the mental anquish and I step back and say "talk to your father." SOOOO MUCH LESS STRESSFUL. I am a much better Momma to the two kids left at home now that I am less stressed.

Yes, of course please tell your husband, (not ask) that he has to step up and assist you in this situation.
Your son needs both parents to be present in order for him to have any chance at all.
Family counseling where the whole family gets a chance to contribute to the healing process is better than the son going by himself, because everyone in your home is affected by his behavior in a negative way.
If you are going to family counseling and you feel he is not getting any better find another one.
Seek a fit that works where you sense some commitment from everyone.
Have weekly family meetings.
This worked really well for my family when we where going through teenage hell with my daughter.
Everyone discussing how they felt the week went, what went right, what went wrong and solutions.
Ask everyone contribute solutions for their own issues, not anyone else’s.
And prayer is also so powerful, especially when done as a group.
Ask everyone you know to pray for your family.
Have a family prayer session.
Let everyone in your home know that your family will set aside a period of time for this and that you would appreciate participation from all but those who don't want to won't have to, (prayer is not a punishment)and knowing that you are committed in this way sends a message.
All of these things do something else, they let your son and all your other children know that you love them unconditionally.
Children always need boundaries and they sometime push the edges of those boundaries for a variety of reason.
Let them know you love them but there are rules in the home that they must follow, number one is not violence of any kind, no shouting, hitting, cursing etc.
Everyone should be contributing to house whole chores (an organized home is a calm one).
And have respect for yourself and others.
These are some things that helped my family.
It wasn't always smooth sailing but it was so worth.
Good luck and God Bless!!

Hi M.. Before I stayed home with my kids, I was a school psychologist and diagnosed ADHD and also implemented behavioral interventions for those children. I have a few thoughts...1) has food allergies been ruled out as a problem? They can make children do all kinds of crazy things-hyperactive, impulsive, depressed, irritable, etc. My son's allergist has seen many kids labeled ADHD that really have been dealing with food allergy issues (once they get the food allergies under control, the kids act totally normal). 2) Your husband should be involved-it is not appropriate for you to implement discipline when you are not the biological parent (although when your husband is not around, you will need to implement predetermined consequences-the son is already aware of these prior) just to keep everyone safe and keep your home from getting out of control. 3) You need to find a good child psychiatrist or child neurologist to give you a 2nd opinion on the medication regime and diagnosis. I have worked close with physicians, and meds can be changed/added, etc. to help with the symptoms. Also, sometimes kids that are ADHD and also act out are Bipolar-a lot of professionals shy away from diagnosing that in children, but it could be a possibility. Regardless of the diagnosis, the medications need to be reevaluated. Go get more opinions before you send him away-that should be the last resort 4) Your school may have some other good suggestions. Is he in special ed for his behavior? If behavior is interfering at school he may qualify to be served under special ed and have a behavior plan put in place. This would not mean he would be in low academic classes-just behavioral interventions. They also might know of good medical professionals to see-see if you can get in touch with the school psychologist that serves your sons's school. I will say a prayer for you and hope things get better. A.

M.,

I strongly urge you to call Dr. Harvey G. Davisson of the Davisson Clinic ###-###-####) at 12900 Preston Rd in suite 1117. He is a MIRACLE WORKER! He specializes in ADD, ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which is what my son had). I was ready to ship him off to military school and after 1 visit - yes, only 1 visit - we haven't had any problems since (and it's been 3 years). My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes!

Ouch!
I have no advice, but I will pray for you.
A.

Good morning, M.,
You don't say in your letter how old your oldest son is or how old your other children are. After having raised 8 children, I would urge you to listen to the professionals. You have enough on your plate with running your family & your business. It's very important to make time for your other children. When one person dominates your time & attention, the others often get neglected.
Your son will resent you no matter what you do at this stage, so think about what is in his and the family's best interest both now and in the long term.
Pray about it and be strong. God will give you an answer, but you must be courageous enough to act on it.
It took over 6 years of therapy to get our youngest on track, so hang in there for the long haul.
Your children and your family are worth it.
Good luck!

Hubby absolutely needs to be around as much as possible. He can always go to school later. Career and education can be postponed but the safety and well being of your son should take top priority.

Hubby needs to be around to be an example of how to treat you and the sisters, and the one to discipline and pour love and attention on his son. Having you be the support rather than the main initiator.

Dad does need to intervene. When a boy gets that big, he needs a healthy fear of his father when it comes to how he treats his mother. One way or the other, something needs to happen. Lovingly, calmly, and objectively share your all concerns with your husband. Express to him your concerns about the girls and your need for his help. Then ask his advice on what his ideas on how he could help. Don't dictate the skipping school, but allow him to set his priorities.
He is just as stressed as you, but his responsibilities take him out of the home, which makes you feel like he's more disconnected with your problems. He's not, if anything he's more worried about it because he can't be there for every round of the problem. Maybe you even need to set aside your business for a week or so to help you get healthy and communicate with your husband.

Nothing wrong with asking that of him. They are his kids too. You all need to step back and take some time not only for your son but your selves. BTW when you run your own business (even from your home) you are a working mom. And that, with 4 kids is very stressful. Especially one with such major needs. I have found prayer to be helpful with things like this that are largely out of your control, the quiet and the calm allow for new answers to creep in, or maybe renewed patience or peace. Good Luck!

M., our family has experienced similar problems with our oldest son. You absolutely must ask your husband to curtail activities away from home and you may need to cut back on yours until this physical aggression is no longer a problem. Your other children are suffering anxiety and trauma if there is any verbal or physical violence. Your physical illness could very well be a result of the stress you are enduring. There is a way for you and your husband to place limits on your son and have consequences for his behavior in a loving but firm way. It is difficult but can be done. You can only do it as a team though. It sounds as though most of the care is on you and your husband is going to have to get more involved in his son's care. I strongly recommend you read "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross. I have seen copies at Half Price Books. Good luck.

As difficult as it may be, place your son in alternative care as professionals have suggested. It is in his best interest as well as yours. God Bless you.

One word: YES!

Family is priority and it sometimes takes two.

Best of luck.

M. - Send the kid away. My husband dealt with this for 6 yrs before pulling the trigger. Our son is now very thankful we "saved his life". And DON'T ask your husband to quit school. Once you have momentum in school you don't want to loose it. In the end it will benefit you more for him to get his degree. As you probably know, education is like a 401-K; the sooner you get vested, the bigger the payoff. Good luck!

www.parentswithpurpose.com

Well....you can't get well because you're stressed. I work in special education and see children with lots of different issues. My best advice to you is seek more medical help. I see alot of kids that have been "diagnosed" with ADHD but that's just a mask. For example: My newphew, who is 10, was diagnosed ADHD and put on meds. However, it only took the edge off. He still hits, bites, kicks, cusses, etc his mother. Now we know that he is also ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Read about it online...see if your step-son has any of the characteristics of that.... There's not really a medication that "fixes" it. But they suggest counseling for both the parents and child. The children with ODD need to find a different outlet for their frustrations and outside counseling can help. Even if it's just a pastor or something. As far as asking your husband to take time off school....well you both have to be willing to do what's best for the child. Hope this helps!!!!!!!!!

My heart goes out to you, as well as my prayers! Before you send off your stepson, my advice is to try some other alternatives that can make a big difference for your family. Also, I would tell your husband that you need his help now and family comes first. You are not wrong to ask him to postpone night school; you are looking out for yourself and his/your children.

Stress weakens the immune system (it's taking a toll on your body!) Unfortunately, medications are not the solution for ADHD, they only mask the problem. I highly recommend an incredible book titled Adaptogens: Herbs for Strength, Stamina, and Stress Relief by Winston and Maimes. From the book "There is a category of herbs called adaptogens that help the human body adapt to stress, support normal metabolic processes, and restore balance. They increase the body's resistance to physical, biological, emotional, and environmental stressors and promote normal physiologic function".

The 10 most potent adaptogens on the earth, with the highest therapeutic properties available are now delievered in a fast acting oral spray, called Tunguska Mist.

Go to www.VitalHealth.TunguskaMist.com to learn more.

Many parents have had wonderful results using the Tunguska Mist Pure to help restore balance in their children and improve their focus. Teachers often comment that the student's behavior is significantly improved, and grades go from C's and D's to A's and B's. In fact, one parent even reported that their child went from the worst behaved in class and then was called a "model student" by her teacher.

My husband and I have been taking adaptogens for a long time, and we're passionate about helping people reduce the damaging effects of stress and restore balance NATURALLY, without medications. Good luck and God Bless:)

I have a solution for your bronchitis and your son's behavior. It's a nutritional product that will change his life. I am ready to put you on 3 way call with some parents who have seen great changes with ADD and ADHD with this product. Call me at ###-###-#### after 7:00 p.m.
I hope I can help.

M.,

Honey, you are in crisis right now. You are so run down that your body is starting to give out. I think you have run out of mental and physical resources. I promise that they are related. You MUST have your husband postpone night school.

I am so adamant because I have been where you are. It is funny because one starts to lose perspective. I imagine that it has become difficult to even think about what you really need becuase you are focused each day on just getting through that day. It was so hard to me to ask for help, however if you do not things will not get better. I actually denied that I couldn't handle everything until my life was in actually in danger because I was so run down I couldn't fight off even mild infections.

For you, I wish blessings and the strength that you need to ask for (and perhaps even demand) what you need. You are doing your share. You are not being a wimp. God forced me to stand up for my needs. It was the hardest thing that I ever did, but it helped me grow. More importantly, it helped my husband and children. They developed a relationship and they stopped taking me for granted. I think my sons will be better husbands because of it.

Jen

Are you ALLOWED to ask him to stay home to help raise HIS child? Wait now - let me think.

UM - you shouldn't have to ask, IMO. But since you do, I would let him know that given the current state of your health, you are not comfortable with him being gone right now. Whether you fear for your physical safety or not, the fact that he is bigger than you and does not listen to you is enough of a threat - for ME- that I would not be left alone with him, for his own personal safety.

I had to take that line with my husband's 13 year old. My husband was pissed for a while, but he's grown out of it and my marriage survived.

S.

As hard as it may seem, it is time for YOU to step back and DAD to step up. As this boy's step-mother, you should not be the one responsible for his discipline. I would be interested in knowing if his birth mother is still alive? If so, this young boy will now see you as an intrusion in his family life. As much as you want to be a mother to this boy, you cannot let him feel as if you are mothering him. He needs to view you as more of a friend than someone who is trying to be a mother (because in his mind he already has a mother and doesn't want a different one....no matter how lousy the birth mother may be). Your husband must enforce the rules of the house with this young man, which include respecting you.....your only job is to take a step back, love this boy, and leave the discipline to his birth parents. If you back off and treat him as you would a child of a friend instead of as your own (in the discipline area) you will probably see a big improvement (over a couple month's time) of his treatment of you. This is not letting him get away with doing things wrong because his dad will be the one who punishes him for wrong doings...you will just be there to poor out love and a listening ear.

If at all possible, do not send this boy away. He will most likely blame you and (because he is a child) will think his father has chosen you over him. You should only send him to this alternative place if he does not improve once you have given him a couple of months with your "new line of approach" as just someone who loves him and does not discipline.

You have every right to ask your husband to postpone his night school for three weeks. You are sick and you cannot handle this FAMILY crisis on your own. As far as the child threatening you, I know it will be hard to do, but you can call the police when he does.

You have my prayers.

HUGS,
E.