My MIL Refuses to Do or Obey by Certain Personal Home Rules; What Can I Do?

What I would like to know if the personal home rules she's not obeying. It does sound like you are treating her like a child! If she was smoking in the house or doing drugs those are rules that yes need to be enforced.

That sounds frustrating to be sure, for both you and your mother in law. But it's your husband's mother so it's his cross to bear. If HE needs to leave work to take care of her, then that's on him. If you are called and can't (or don't want to) leave work call your husband and let him deal with it.
And stop with the rules already. No adult wants to be treated like a child. If she does too much and has a heart attack that's her choice, her life.
I mean really, does your culture only respect property owners, not elders? I've never heard of such a thing in ANY culture.

In my opinion, when you allow an adult to live with you, you do need to treat them like an adult and an equal. If this is where she lives, then this is HOME to her and she should be allowed to make herself at home to a reasonable degree. She's right in that she's not a child and shouldn't be bossed around like one. I don't care who pays the bills, an aging parent should be treated with dignity and not have to tip-toe around like an unwelcome guest who has overstayed her welcome. Is this how you want your children to treat you if you ever need their help? Would you treat your parents like this? You might be tired and frustrated, but you don't sound very pleasant to live with, with talk of things like "ranking adults" and following your rules. I'm with your husband on this...from what you write here, it seems like you are being rude and unwelcoming and resent having her in your home. Unless what she is doing is unsafe (cooking and leaving the burner on, overflowing the tub) or is causing property damage or grossly overstepping a boundary (like painting a room without asking or changing the furniture around, etc.) then she should be welcome to act like she's at home.

As to what you can do, I think you can either change your attitude (which seems unlikely given your tone here) or change the living arrangements and accept the financial and logistical changes (and relationship issues) that may cause. Can she afford her own place? Can she care for herself or will she need help (and how will that get paid for)? Is there another relative who can be more accommodating? Can you create a more private space for her where she can have privacy and independence and spend less time in the main part of the house? Talk these issues over with your husband and his siblings (if any) and put all the options on the table and see what makes sense.

Cultural differences can be wonderful during good times if everyone is enjoying the other’s customs, food, holidays and language. But they also mean that not everyone thinks alike or sees situations in the same way.

If your MIL lives with you, it’s harder because you are 2 matriarchs vying for position. I think she may want to exert her authority over her son, just as she did when he was younger. Maybe she feels her experience is important and could be beneficial. You, understandably, want to be the queen of your own castle. Your husband is trying to play for both teams, and not doing it too well. You and he did not work out the details or establish parameters/boundaries when Mom moved in. So now you’re stuck, and it gets worse in a crisis.

My mother has always been very independent, and she never admitted her frailties, as she got older. So she did stuff she shouldn’t have, and sometimes it didn’t work out. So yeah, I got those calls about the broken wrist and the broken shoulder, or I saw the bruises she tried to hide after every fall. At some point, I made the decision to let her live her life without my weighing in on why this or that was a bad idea. She has a right to that. And I do the best I can for her when bad stuff happens. But I don’t feel guilty for her being injured either. If your MIL is being dramatic about her injuries, that’s worse, but it’s your husband’s problem to deal with.

I think you have to stop treating her like a child or being rude to her. I think she has to do things her own way. However, if she’s in your face and doing things you don’t want done, then your husband has to deal with her. Maybe she has to move out, but you cannot be the one to straighten her out. Maybe she needs a community of older adults, perhaps one with volunteer opportunities so she can be active and feel needed, but have some safety precautions in place and some people watching out for her who are paid to do so.

Mainly, you and your husband have to be on the same page. And you are not. So I think this is more of a marriage problem than an in-law problem. Start there.

And if you have children, they are learning about respect for elders from you, so they will emulate that behavior with you when they are older. Be sure you can handle it.

You are right in your So What Happened that not one here knows all the hardships, heartburn and tongue-biting you’ve done. So honestly, ignore the harshness. They don’t have to live with her - you do.

It is your house, but she doesn’t want to listen to reason. If you were demanding that she over-extend herself physically, you would be an ogre. Instead, you’re asking her to stop putting herself in a medical crisis bad enough to be hospitalized. What you say to her falls on deaf ears. Your husband says you are rude. You feel that your position as owner of the home is being ignored.

You know what you are doing is not working. Your MIL doesn’t listen, and your husband resents the way you relate to his mother.

If you want for you and your husband to get along better, change the way you look at this. It will be hard, but you can do it. Turn your frustration to feeling sorry for an old person who still wants to be useful. Instead of telling her not to do something, say “Edith, can I get that for you?” The first 10 times she might say no, but the 11th time she might just say yes. When she overdoes, show compassion and don’t fuss. Let go of the anger of having to go to the hospital. Instead of feeling that she ignores you being the homeowner, think in terms of her wanting to assert her own place in the house in the only way an old lady can. At least she’s not an insolent teenager bringing drunk friends over trashing your house, a son’s girlfriend who lays around watching TV all day without lifting a finger, etc.

If you can make this mental adjustment, your husband will be happier and perhaps your marriage will stop suffering. Remember that he is thinking of the inevitable - when she is gone, there will be a big hole in his heart. If you have been kind and accommodating to her for his sake, his grieving will not be so hard and he will not blame you for making his mother miserable. Even if it’s not fair to blame you, the way grief manifests itself does not always make sense.

Really sit down and think this through, mom. Fighting it and being angry will not fix or help your situation. I wish you luck here.

Try giving her safe things to do and praise/thank her when she does things right. Be pleasant in the way you talk with her. Let her be who she is
She's not going to change.

Sounds like you're in a power struggle. No one winds.. I urge you and your husband get counseling. Think about ways both of you can make this work. You can only get her cooperation by changing what you're doing.

You want to show her you're boss. Why? Isn't it already understood it's your house? I suggest she's trying to prove that she belongs. Why rules?

Rules are for children. You can have guide lines. Let her find away to fit in. Stop criticizing. Learn how to let go of most of the rules. It"s your house. You don't have to prove anything. Try to empathize with her. Consider how it feels to be old and living in someone else's house. I don't know what culture you are. However, all cultures respect their elders.

I suggest you find people from her culture, ask questions and really listen. Get counseling to learn how you can feel secure enough to live peacefully with others.

It is not your responsibilty to protect her health. Leave that to her son. Stay out of issues he can handle. Let him handle them in the way that works for him and his mother.

I've been angry with certain people and look for everything they do wrong. I learned that indifference is a whole lot better for me. I choose to be happy and not always right. You have the power to choose how you treat yourself so that you can get away from the anger and chaos in this situation.

If you can't let go of always being the boss, I suggest you try out living in an apartment you don't have to share. See what it's like to be all on your own with no one to help you.

I would be really tired of her behavior too. I wish you had given concrete examples, but I can feel your exasperation coming off your writing. I would calmly talk to her and tell her you are sorry you have been treating her like a child, but it is because she keeps acting like child and over and over again puts herself in the ER by doing things she should not. Ask her to please start acting like an adult and make better choices and you will do your best to treat her like an adult. Besides that let your husband deal with her. Treat yourself to some self care regularly...you need to take care of yourself and not let the stress get to you. (PS, If my mom lived with me I would go insane, no joke.)

Stop treating her like a child.

while i too would be aggravated at her constantly pushing herself to ER visits (i have a family member who goes through periods of this too), for the most part i'm with her. and your husband.

stop infantilizing her.

how about if neither the 'home owner' nor the 'clearly unwanted permanent elderly resident' tell the other what to do? maybe it would be helpful to sit down when everyone is calm and discuss it like adults.

the very fact that you would refer to yourself as the 'ranking adult' is a huge red flag.

i feel for the old gal.

ETA your bitter SWH underscores my initial reaction to this post. you want compassion, but you're sure not willing to extend any.

khairete
S.

There is a site called AgingCare that is specifically designed to support and advise people in various situations such as your own. The discussion forums are great place for interactive conversations.

She is an adult and it sounds like you treat her like a child, that is not appropriate. You are allowed to have rules for your house like no smoking inside, but you are not allowed to tell a grown woman what she can do (for example is she choose to smoke away from your home). In my culture we do respect the owner of a home, but we also respect our elders.

You also have to remember that this is your husband's mother, the woman who gave him life and raised him, and he loves her the same as I am sure you love your own mother, it is not fair for him to be put in the middle of something ugly between the two of you. Let him take care of his mother, in many cultures it is the responsibility of the adult children to look after their parents when they are old.

Yes, your house your rules. However, that's not working for you. So try this... she is a grown woman so if she overdoes it and ends up in the ER don't go.