Am I Being Selfish? (Venting About MIL)

Hi, I felt the exact same way as you when my daughter was a baby. I still don't like anyone to transport her around. Now that she is 3, I actually wish we had more volunteers to keep her and they have all disappeared including my MIL. We now have to ask family to keep her instead of the other way around. I suspect its because she's a toddler and I know how much they can wear you out when you're not used to having one around (or even if you are). Just know, it's normal and that you will most likely relax once she's a little older.

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I liked what Naomi said, "She is not you enemy, she is the mother of your husband". Keep in mind that she probably has the best intentions for your daughter. She doesn't have to watch her while you go to school, She is doing it because she loves you guys. It is especially a service if you are not paying her. She probably loves the time she gets with her. I have had it explained to me by several different young grandmas, that its very hard to turn off and on that "mommy role". You have put her back into it by having her tend your baby, so instinctively she wants to be there for her. Its hard for her to be the "mother figure" and then the grandma again. I relate to that by realizing, when I tend other children, I have to be the "parent" and keep them out of trouble and make sure they are doing good things. When I am around those kids with their parents, I still find myself "parenting" them. And I don't watch them consistently, but it is still hard to turn it off.
I too had my mother and mother in law help watch my first while I finished collage. So I know exactly where you are coming from. So please don't think that I am saying any of this in hostility, it is all with love and understanding. I had issues and feeling similar to yours. And now after 10 years and four kids I can look back and hopefully give you some information that I wish I could have realized while I was going through it. Mostly I now know that those that love you and your husband only want the best for your children. And unless they have given you a reason to not trust them or you strongly feel you should not, then give them the benefit of the doubt. The other thing is ----and this is very important---- Grandparents will always want to break or bend your rules a little, and its okay to let them:) You are still the mom and your kids will have consistency with you, but GP want to spoil be fun.
I know how you feel about wanting to be there every moment and not miss any first. But reality is, it will happen at some point, and if you can't be there, wouldn't you want someone who would be just as excited about it as you and give you every detail that you could ever want? I would much rather have my MIL or my Mother, be the one that is the witness. I don't treasure the "first" as much as I do the "lasts". The "firsts"? -you will see again, "the lasts"?-never.
I do agree with the others that have said you need to set your boundaries, and I think it was fine that you did the pictures just as a family. I think it was very good that you were able to tell her that you just wanted it to be that way. However, If she is a good driver and she has a car seat, why not let her take your baby out? Should she really be confined to the house while she is sacrificing her time for you? Just a thought. I am not saying that you should let her, just that it seams a bit extreme. If you really don't trust her that much, perhaps you should consider another care taker. Or give her a little more trust. On another note, if she is only watching her for a few hours at a time and it is nap time, then of course she should try to keep her routine as consistent as she can.
Try not to be offended at with the "mama" thing. Cause it most likely will happen, especially since she is one of her care takers. Little kids will always call mother figures mom or teacher, when they don't know their name. Your baby is smart, she KNOWS who her mom is. But only knowing a few words and trying to express herself, she is going to babble what she can. My mom was called "Mama" by all my kids. We distinguished it by calling her "Mama Karen". So when she does call her Mama, or Ma, just finish her phrase for her, repeat what you want her to call her. And don't take it personal, she will call her what you call her eventually.
As for spending the night when she is 7 months? That to me is a bit odd. If your baby can be with you or your husband, she should be. Unless it is necessary for her to spend the night, like you were traveling and needed her to, she should be with you, at your house, in her bed, waking up to you.
If you can't turn off those feelings, I know you can at least channel them. Direct them to people who would potentially harm your child and let those that love her do just that, love her.
My final suggestion is that if you are religious pray about it, God will help you. And in addition to prayer or you are not religious, write your feelings down, what you are okay with and what you are not. Talk about it with your husband, and decide what, if anything can be done to help or fix it or to just let it go.
My big thing with my MIL, and it seams so trivial now, was she would constantly give my baby treats! Oh it made me crazy! I finally just told her that after she ate a meal, she could have a treat, but if it was not a meal time, please just ask me first. It worked really well and I was able to let my mean feelings go. Once I explained why I didn't want her to have treats every second we were there, she respected my decision as the mother and I decided to trust her and value her as my MIL. I hope you can come to peace with this too.
Good luck,
E.

Wow you have no idea how lucky you are, I wish my kids have that kind of grandma.......MY mom is in russia and sees our kids only once a year. MY husband's parents live 40 min away and even thought they play with them when we visit and give them TONS of gifts.......they are yet to call us and ask for the kids to spend a night with them (and our kids are 3 and 5..... potty trained and everything). If there are no holidays/ b-days they can go months without seeing the kids even my MIL drives by our house 3 times a week on the way to work and back.
I come from the culture where grandparents quit their jobs to watch their grandkids. I mostly have memmories of my grandparents before age 7 because my parents were in college and working. I had a very close bond with them and learned things from them that I could've from my parents. At the same time I have always been close with my mom and still am.
I do not think you are being selfish, but you do need to see the other side of this. And you do not let her drive your baby???? Has your mil just goten her lisence or does she have some medical issues that makes her not a safe driver? I honestly do not see the issue with it........
BTW you are going to love it if you want to have more kids. When I was preg with our second and sick as a dog on the couch our first son would only get a chance to go outside on the weekends because my hubby worked all the time. Thankfully he was only 1 and has no memmories of it.....poor guy. Not once grandparents offered to take him out :(

I think your feelings are common, but that being said--yes--I do think you are being selfish! (I'm sure this will be an unpopular response, but there, I said it!)
You "allow" your MIL to watch your daughter while you go to school. You should be THANKING her that a relative is caring for her and not a stranger in daycare. Your MIL is allowing you to have the best of both worlds.
My mom & stepfather watched our son for us when he was very little and it was the greatest blessing and gift ever.
I feel you are acting unreasonable and a little ungrateful.
When someone cares for an infant, they develop a bond. A strong bond. And that's a GOOD thing.
As for your MIL taking her out--seriously, do you feel justified in dictating this woman's life on the days she watches your daughter? She should be able to go about her normal routine no matter what day of the week it is. Unless she is a horrible, unsafe driver, I don't see the issue here.
As for missing a first step, a first word, etc...brace yourself because it MIGHT happen. You can't control that.
Sleeping over? Again, I'm sure the baby naps on the days she watches her and if she is as involved as she seems, I'm sure she can handle an overnight visit.
I think there is a deeper issue going on here. Guilt on your part over leaving her? Dislike of your MIL? Loss of control? I don't say this in a mean way, but the sooner you identify WHAT it is, the sooner you can deal with it rationally.
Be thankful you have an involved MIL. My MIL has never fed, bathed or babysat ANY of her grandkids.

You can turn it off. It is called internal dialogue and you don't have to be possessed by your thoughts and emotional reactions.

Ask yourself rational questions: Is the MIL able to drive safely? Are you appreciating the woman who gave birth to and raised your husband, who you seem to love? Why do you need to separate and stress about things?

Your MIL loves the child too. She may be lonely, want to be part of the family and remembers your husband as a baby. It is a strange aspect of American culture that we isolate ourselves from parents and make it all about memememe. Which makes us very stressed out.

Why don't you include her in dinner over the weekend so it is more family like and less like she is a servant. Why don't you have her go with your husband and the baby to the store so you know daddy is with and driving safely.

She is not you enemy, she is the mother of your husband.

You would do well to take some yoga to help reduce stress. Also to enjoy that you have a pair of willing helping hands.

We are all able to choose how we feel and projecting all this negative mental energy is not good for your girl. I know girls who love their mom and granma - the heart is big enough for lot's of people to love.

Lighten up mama and enjoy - life is fantastic and there is no need to fill it up with problems.

You are being a bit overprotective as well as projecting your problems with your MIL into the relationship she has with your child. She must have done a pretty good job raising your husband or was he raised by someone else? Maybe you should explain to her about the driving issue. People often drive different when a child is in the car but I do understand you not wanting to take that chance. I hate to break it to you but you and your husband won't get to see and experience all of your daughters first unless you never leave her side. Also your child will get her share of bumps and bruises even with you and your husband watching her like a hawk, stuff just happens, and we learn and grow from our experiences. She is your first so I understand, you will learn to loosen up and allow her to grow especially if you have more children.

I think this is a completely normal struggle for a first-time Mom. You are trying to figure out your new role, and it can be scary. I felt much the same way, and, over time, some things relaxed and some didn't.

I understand wanting to have some experiences that are just yours with your husband and your child. It can be exhausting to go everywhere with an entourage, and it is nice to enjoy some things quietly. As long as you are fair and open to sharing some experiences, then it is fine to keep some more private.

Sleepovers shouldn't happen until you are comfortable. My MIL was upset that I didn't go out and let her babysit when she came to visit when my baby was 9 days old! Her expectations differed from ours; we were both new in our roles. We told her we would let her know when we were ready or her to watch our son, and we would appreciate it if they didn't pressure us to do it. With regard to your MIL watching your child while you are in school: is there a reason that you don't allow her to drive her anywhere? I assume you don't pay her to watch your daughter, so, unless he can't see or is no a safe driver, you need to allow some flexibility here. She is watching your child so you can further your education; what a gift! If you pay someone, you can dictate everything. If she is doing a favor, you need to be considerate. If you feel your MIL is a safe driver, then you might try to slowly try and relax on this one for the consideration of your MIL.

How does your husband feel about the overall situation? Discuss this with him, and maybe he can provide some comfort to you. She is still young, and it can be a lot. My MIL is a bit crazy, and you wouldn't believe the things she has said and done if I told you. Be thankful if your MIL isn't, and be happy that she is excited. As long as you have the best interest of your child at heart, then you will make the right decisions.

This is your baby and your responsibility. It can create a lot of anxiety and possessiveness in a new Mom. When making a decision, write down the reason you will or won't allow something to happen. If your concern isn't rational/realistic, you can't think of one or you can't put it into words, then you might want to reconsider your point of view.

I think you are going a little overboard. Now, as far as spending the night, I don't blame you, I don't really have my kids sleep over anywhere until they are at least 2 or so. Before that they really aren't flexible with their sleeping patterns, they need their routine to sleep well.

Now, as far as the "feelings" about her wanting to spend a lot of time with her, that maybe is something you need to work on letting go. It is a great thing for kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents. I don't even have that capability cause my parents and inlaws live 4+ hours away. You are extremely lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents close by that both want to watch your daughter. Do you realize how much money that saves you?? THOUSANDS. Plus, on top of that, she is being cared for by someone who genuinely loves and cares about her and has her best interest at heart, not just someone who takes money to take care of your child (there are some really good child care providers out there, but no one loves your kids like their own grandparents). When our family is here or we are there they soak up as much of the kids as they can and we encourage it. We have just recently let our new 6 year old spend multiple days at their houses by himself. Just because she spends a lot of time with her doesn't mean your daughter is going to mistake her as Mama. You are her main caretaker, you are the one that is there 24 hours a day. Unless your MIL is encouraging her to call her Mama....now THAT would be a problem.

I wouldn't worry too much about the driving her places thing either. I would talk to her about how you are concerned about her aggressive driving and ask her if she could drive slower, more carefully when with your daughter. If she can handle that (which I sure she probably will happily agree too assuming she is a reasonable person). Then just make sure she has a good safe carseat that is installed properly and all should be good.

I don't understand the picture thing either. Any time I have gone to get pictures done it's usually a nightmare and if I had an extra person there to help it would be great! I know it can be hard to let go a little but as they get older you have to do it more and more and if it is to her Grandmother it is even better. Maybe you should sit down and have a heart to heart with her and just tell her how you feel. Remind her of when she was a first time Mom and how she felt. Tell her you are not trying to hurt her feelings but that sometimes it is just hard for you to let go and that if she could help you out and be understanding it would be great. Your families should be your partners in raising your child not your enemies.

One of the reasons our society is in such shambles is that we lost our respect for out elders. This woman raised the man you love and married and he came out okay. Inter-generational relationships are critically important for all of us. Why does a grandparent wanting to spend time with a new grandchild have to be a bad thing? If there is something you want to be just you three that's cool, but don't make it seem like your MIL is a villian for wanting to share in lovely experiences regarding her grandbaby. I honestly can't believe the selfish (yeah I said it) stuff I hear from women regarding MILs. The last thing I'm going to say is this, respect and value your elders -they shaped the person you loved and they collectively shaped the world (we've done our best to screw it up since then). And, your MIL has the unique power and ability to make your life pure d he@@ - because she can and will manipulate your husband (if she really wanted to).

I remember having the same feelings that you described when my first son was born. My MIL was so excited about having her first grandchild and she was at my house everyday. I was in the hospital for 3 days and she was in my hospital room everyday that i was there. She would arrive when visiting hours started and would leave shortly before it ended.
I remember being very resentful and I think she knew this but she came anyway. My husband is from a very very close family so I just felt it came with the territory. In the end I caused lots of resentment and I even had problems in my marriage because of it.
Now my MIL's is not doing well health wise and she is not able to spend time with her grandchildren anymore. Her memory is also fading. When I look back on it I wish that I was not so difficult with her. Could some of your overprotectiveness be that you are just afraid of the baby bonding to close to MIL? I know this was my issue. I am now able to admit it.
Your baby will never call anyone else mom besides you. Babies now who their moms are. She has heard your voice since before she was born.
I had to leave my son when he was six months old to return to work full time. I left him with MIL and even though I was not home all day I still was the one who saw him smile, talk and walk for the first time. If MIL saw it first she did not say so when it happened it was my first because it was the first time that "I" saw it and that's all that counts. He has never called anyone mom but me. And he was always happy to see me when I came home from work.
So, give MIL a break and let her enjoy her grandchild. Sure you have to set boundries but don't fight her on everything. It's just not worth it in the end.

My son has to ride the school bus to school every morning. I'm I was glad to get the service since husband and I both have to be at work before my son's starts school. We drop him off with our youngest at the daycare to so he can get the bus. So, I no longer have issues with someone else driving my son because I'm not always going to be able to do it. When you have kids you gotta trust someone along the way.

I Just wanted to add that I don't think that you are being selfish at all. Sure, she is your child but others love her also. As she grows older you are going to be so thankful for all the people in her life who love and care about her.

I would feel the same way if I were in your position, I think. 6 months is still very, very young and I felt like an overprotective mama bear when my kids were this small. Plus, they weren't fully sleeping through the night and I was still breastfeeding, so an overnight visit to a grandparent would have been completely out of the question. So I completely agree with your feelings. That being said, if this is your MIL's first grandchild, she's going through a brand new experience, too, and sometimes it's easy to forget that. You're lucky you have her nearby to help out if you need it. When my kids were infants, we lived a couple thousand miles away from our closest relatives and it would have been nice to have family near by. As your daughter gets older, bigger and stronger, maybe you can start having sleepovers or letting her spend more time with grandma if you're comfortable with that...but for now, since she's so very young, I would feel just fine being overprotective. If you'd said "my 6 YEAR old daughter, etc", my answer here would have been completely different. A strong, loving bond between a child and grandparent is something that should be nurtured and cherished. Your daughter is lucky to have grandma so close by and obviously in love with her new granddaughter. Just follow your instinct and heart and you'll be fine.

Well, I have to say, I am the exact opposite of you. I have a firm belief that it takes a village to raise a child and that the more people in my childrens' lives the better. I feel VERY fortunate that my parents are able to participate in raising my children, as well as other adults from church, neighbors I trust, friends, etc. It is a big world out there and I want my children to know that there are people they can go to when Mommy and Daddy are not around.

My children are very outgoing, confident children, even our 1 yr old. They are excited to be around people...my husband and I use our common sense and make sure they are surrounded by people we trust. This allows our children to learn how to trust as well.

Your MIL is doing only what comes naturally. She is wanting to be part of your daughter's life. Of course you can set boundaries...perhaps your daughter is too young to spend the night at your MIL's house, but if your MIL is a safe driver, why not let her take your daughter out on adventures? Who cares if it is to a shopping mall or the grocery store? It will be something fun for them to do together and a great way for your daughter to start getting to know the world around her in a safe and fun manner.

Of course, the way you raise your daughter is completely up to you. I just thought I would share a completely different point of view than I see written in the responses here.

This is YOUR baby, not you MIL's! My oldest daughter is 19 months she has only EVER slept away at my MIL's when I went into preterm labor and was stuck in the hospital! My mom still has not had her stay the night. I do think that it is being a little over protective about not going anywhere. She is already with your MIL and if she is a good driver I do not see why she can't go to the store with her. I am dealing with the similar issues with my MIL. They seem to think (my experience) that the baby some how becomes their baby! I have to correct her all the time saying she is my baby and I raise my kids the way I want and would appreciate it if you would listen and follow my guidelines! You are not selfish! Enjoy your sweet baby they grow out of ttheir stages so quick!

With your MIL driving habits, I don't think you are tooo far off. But the spending time with grandma, I think you are being selfish. Grandmothers are an important part of a childs life. If she can keep her when you are in school, I don't see a problem with letting her stay over night. Offering some Grandmothers money to watch their Grandchildren is almost an insult. (i said some) I don't think you and your husband will miss out on too much if you let granny spend a little more time with her Granddaughter. Just think you guys may want to have a night out and want your daughter to be with someone she is familiar with.

My Grandmother spent as much time with my son as we did, because of work and schedules. I knew he was in good hands, and we did not miss out on any of his major developments, she even help us out with some baby issues that we did not know. It is hard to believe, but it is not all about you. Your daughter needs her Grandmother, believe it or not.

I think that you need to look at the big picture. Do you want your Daughter to have family values or do you want her to be a selfish self centered little brat? Based on the information that you have shared, the only thing that sounds unrealistic is the baby staying overnight before she turns two. If a Mom was breastfeeding as opposed to bottlefeeding, it wouldn't be beneficial for Mom or Baby. I don't know how old you are but it sounds to me like you need to mature and be greatful to have an extended family for your child. I had a MIL and FIL that were divorced and so busy with their new husband/wife that they never made time to call, see or give any gifts to my children. My children were around 16 and 13 when they died almost a year apart never receiving anything as simple as a birthday card . God works in mysterious ways. You should be greatful that you have the opportunity to give your daughter such a wonderful gift. Let your MIL gain a daughter (you) instead of losing a son because of your selfishness.

Yes you are being selfish. Your MIL raised your husband, right? Did she do a good job? Did he ever get hurt in her care? I understand the anxiousness of a new mom, but I think you are being a little tiny bit over protective on this one. I live states away from my mom, and my MIL died when I was 7 months pregnant with my first baby. I wish I were able to "share" my kids more with my mom. Grandma time is a good thing, and you are going to put a strain on the relationship you have with your MIL. Start out slow, let her take your daughter for a night, or let her take her for a couple of hours of shopping. It's bonding time and it isn't going to hurt your daughter or you for that matter. Yes, all you will do is think and worry about your daughter while she is gone, but use the time to snuggle with your husband, or take an uninterrupted bath.

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My (at the time live-in) in-laws cared for my first son from the time he was 8 weeks until 18 months. I had similar concerns about wanting to be the one to experience his firsts, but my hubby helped me to realize that I was being selfish about it.

Is there any reason to think that your MIL is not a safe driver, or that she would not be as safe with your child in the car? If not, let her take her in the car. For me, I could not allow my in-laws to drive with my son, as his driving skills were in decline as he demonstrated by missing stop signs, locking his keys in the car, and hitting the furnace in our garage as he pulled in. My MIL would never even want to drive with a baby, as she doesn't like driving in the first place.

Of course you have first "rights" to your child, but keep in mind that your MIL loves your daughter, and is doing you a great service by caring for her so you can attend school. How many families do not have such helpful and loving people in their lives? My in-laws now live 1500 miles away, and my own parents live 400 miles away, so I now see the importance of close and helpful family, and will never take them for granted again.

First off, I can understand your feelings. I had my first child not too long ago and it was very important to me and my husband to enjoy all the "firsts" and these special moments as a family. It is nice that your MIL wants to be more involved and like other people have said, I would try to incorporate MIL in lots of family time to foster relationships and help you build up your trust in her.
With daughter sleeping over, it may seem too young, but it may be a nice opportunity for you and your husband to enjoy a nice date night. I would just make sure that your MIL knows what you expect and respects your parenting ideas about comfort and care for your baby during the night, especially if you prefer not to let your daughter CIO at bedtime. I know it seems young, but the babies are a little more manageable at this age rather than later. :) On driving your daughter, I would try to relax a bit in this area. As long as you don't have other concerns about MIL's driving habits in general. I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone driving my daughter if that person talked on their cellphone incessantly, for example, or didn't seem like they made responsible decisions. I do know it's hard to let go in these areas, but later on, you will be happy that your daughter has a built a relationship with her Grandma. Don't worry to much about your daughter calling MIL "mama." When they start talking, they often call everyone mama, dada, etc... I know the first time it happened to me, I was a little taken a back. You just redirect and say, "no, this is Grandma." But now that my daughter is 19months old, she knows who is Mommy and Daddy.
Don't feel bad about your overprotective feelings. Just do small steps and let go.

I know exactly where you're coming from - and I have this problem with my own mom! I've determined it to be a severe case of "boundary issues". My mom just doesn't seem to get it that it's not about her, that she's had her time, raised her kids, and all with minimal intereference from her own parents. She got bent out of shape that I didn't name either of my kids the names that SHE chose for them!

It's taken 6 years (the entire time since my oldest was born) to get her to back off a bit. And that's only what she says to my face. She still whines and complains to my sister all the time about how mean I am and how I keep the kids away from her.

I say stand your ground. Do only what you feel comfortable with. Make your rules and boundaries clear, don't leave any ambiguity - that makes room for her to try to slip things by! And since it's your MIL, make sure it's your husband delivering the message as much of the time as possible so it doesn't just seem like you hate her and are trying to punish her.

I seriously think it's a generational thing. Our parents feel entitled to be involved in every aspect of our children's lives, and get all bent out of shape if they can't. But I look back at my grandparents and my friends grandparents and they were just happy to see us on the big holidays. They weren't interfering with my parents on a daily basis. I take my kids to swim lessons and half the families have 2 or more grandparents there - every week! Seriously? There's a difference between being loving/supporting, and smothering/controlling.

Ultimately you and you husband have to decide how you want to run your family. Some people enjoy all the involvement of others (the "it takes a village" approach). Others, like myself, do not. As my husband and I have stressed to my mom, we are a family now (us and our children) and she is now extended family. It's taken a while, but I think it might just be starting to sink in. Good luck.

I think you have normal first time mom feelings. My daughter didn't stay overnight with my inlaws until my son was born, so she was 15 mths. I too was worried about the driving around etc...Once my son was born, everything changed. I was more exhausted & overwhelmed & then I relished the fact somebody wanted to help. My son stayed over night w her at about 5 mths. So, I wouldn't burn any bridges, but just tell your MIL that you know your being irrational with the first time mommy feelings, but you just aren't comfortable yet. Now, if your able to leave your baby with others like your mom, then your MIL is just going to be insulted & I would say she has good reason, otherwise you are entitled to your feelings. Hope this helps you to feel better.

Wow - I can't believe that Mommy S actually wrote; "This is your mother in law's baby too! ... and She considers your baby her own, as she is!"

This is NOT your MIL's baby - and you have every right to want to experience all the "firsts" with YOUR child.

I have alot of the same problems with my MIL - and I am learning to give in a little more - it is not easy. I wish you luck in this delicate situation.

~ J.

that's a tuff one. my kids are 5 and 3. they have never stayed the nite with anyone! it's not that i don't trust my family bc i do and i know that they would never let anything happen to them, but anything can happen while they are away, someone can break into the house or a fire, and i don't like the thought of that happening if i'm not there with them. that being said, don't you think it's just a dangerous for an older woman to be walking down the street with a baby as it is for her to go to the store with the baby? let her experience some of the baby stages too. chances are your daugther isn't going to be saying mama exclusively to you until she is older anyway. my niece called her mother "yeah" and her grandmother "mom" for a while, but she lived in a house of females (grandmother, 2 aunts and her mother) your daughter knows who you are. make sure that as you talk to your MIL you call her by whatever it is that she wants the baby to call her. i would be thankful that your MIL wants to keep the baby. it allows time for you and your husband. even if it's only for a few hours one nite every month. take her up on her offer. my daughter called my husband mama for a while :)

You aren't being selfish at all. This is a precious time, and I don't blame you for not wanting to share her firsts. You are very lucky though that you have a MIL that is involved and does want to spend time with her. I would thank her for her interest/involvement, and blame it on your "over-protective, first time mom hormones" (if you put the blame on yourself, she may take it better).

My son is 2 and has never spent the night at anyone's house. If my mom was closer, he probably would have by now, but at 6 months, I definitely wouldn't have been comfortable with it. If you were going out of town or wanted a date night that is one thing, but not just "because".

Driving is also another very touchy subject. My sister has gone through a similar thing with her MIL, and my niece is 4. She didn't want her driving, but since her FIL can't walk to the park, she convinced her. Only after the fact did she learn that not only was her FIL NOT going along, they weren't going to the park down the street, but one much farther away, and then making stops at other places.

Unfortunately, if your daughter does try any firsts and she happens to be at your MIL's house, there is nothing you can do about it. But when you see her do it for the first time, it will still be a first. I remember walking into daycare and the caretaker saying, "I didn't know he could walk so far." I was heartbroken and tried all weekend to get him to do it again. But when he did it for me, it was just as thrilling, just as it was for my husband when he saw it for the first time.

ALL of our family lives here. It is a blessing and a curse.
The blessing is that our child has known and spent time with all of her Great Grandparents except for 2 and then of course all of her grandparents Aunts Uncles..
The Curse is that every holiday is a balance of everyone wanting to have us at their homes the longest, first, more often.. We have the smallest home so having them all over to our home is not an option.

I completely understand how you feel about your baby. I think it is very normal.

Keep in mind, that you never know what may come up and the more you, your child and your MIL are prepared, the more smoothly it will go.

My husband and I both got a terrible flu at the same time when our daughter was an infant. We were so ill, we had MIL take our daughter for a few days.. Thank goodness, she already had a car seat in her car, a portable crib set up at her home and all of the other gear, cause there is no way we could have loaded up all of that stuff being so ill. The other thing is that our daughter was used to staying over night at her home, so our daughter did great.

So give her a break and every once in a while let her "help you out". She raised a wonderful son.. I am sure she would be a wonderful Grandmother.

OMG!!! IF I HAD A MIL LIKE THAT I WOULD LOVVVVE IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE????? Please dont take her for granted and take her up on every offer that is convenient for you!!

Your MIL is family. If you trust her to babysit your daughter while your at school, then you can trust her to take her shopping.

I don't think you are being selfish and I know exactly how you feel. I went thru this with my daughter too as she was my first and I was protective. My MIL complains all the time that she doesn't get enough time with my daughter. Daughter is now 3 and never spent the night anywhere but with me and my husband. We do have the Grandma's babysit, but that is about it.
I will tell you that eventually you will become more "ok" with letting the Grandma do more, but it takes awhile. I finally now feel comfortable enough to let my daughter go in a car with either of our parents. But let me tell you, I am the one who installs the carseat and makes sure she is secure, etc.
I also didn't want my MIL involved in things like pictures,etc. It was my turn to have a family and be a mommy. I hated all the "advice" I got and it started to really make me mad. Finally I just said, "you know what, it is my turn to be the mom and make decisions for my family." It made me feel better.
So, it is hard to not feel that way, but try not to feel bad about it. This is your new life, you make the decisions. It will change though and it won't be so hard.

I do agree in that 6 months is a little young for her to sleep over at grandma's , I also wouldn't be comfortable with that (unless it was necessary because you were having another baby for example). But I do think you are being a little over the top with not letting her take her out in the car , she won't call her mama , your daughter knows who her mama & dada are. Is it just your MIL you are not comfortable with or would you also say no to your own mom? I wouldn't be so quick to not let anyone else look after your child/dren because when they are older and you need them to go with someone else and they won't because they have never done it , it won't be as easy to leave them , just little things like you need a haircut or have a dentist/doctor appointment. All easy to do now while she is not on the move but give it a year and those kinds of things is when grandma's come in useful!

No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel with your MIL...because you just feel a certain way.

That being said, I have always been comfortable with MY parents watching my kids overnight. I have always been comfortable with HIS mom watching the kids overnight at OUR house (he doesn't want them at his parents either) so we agree on that. It's not that I do not trust his mother, but they have cats and I am just nervous that my kids are too young to know how to play with them and don't want them to get scratched, and they have steep stairs, and other kids still living at home.

When my MIL used to come over, I would have detailed things in regards to time for bed, food to eat, etc. But then I sat back and thought about it. My MIL and FIL raised 9 kids....and they all turned out okay! So I learned to let go and let her do what she wanted - she would feed my daughter dinner -usually something she brought. My daughter would usually go to bed later than I had planned, but so what? She has a great time (but she's also older!)

I had my daughter stay overnight at my parents when she was 6 weeks old. She slept great and I was comfortable with that. But I am not sure I'd have been comfortable with her staying at HIS parents so it's hard to say. How does your husband feel about this? Same boat as you or different?

I wouldn't worry that you will miss her crawling or calling you mama - she knows who you are!!! I think it's great that your MIL wants to spend more time with your daughter - maybe try to have her take her so you and your hubby can go to dinner or out to a movie. Not necessarily overnight - tell her YOU are not ready for that yet.

As far as the taking pictures thing, I don't see what the big deal would have been about her going. My MIL went with for our daughter's first pictures and also wanted to get pictures with her so we let her. To make it up, why don't you take your mother with and get a picture of her and your daughter?

Whatever you do, don't burn your bridges. It's so important to have family close. I'm not sure how many other siblings you and your husband have but eventually she will be one of many grandchildren, but no matter what, still the first, and will hold a special place in your MIL's heart.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you are kind of being selfish...but if that is who you are, then it is. Just remember that your MIL is not trying to encroach on your space or take over your role - she's just trying to be as involved as she can be!

I think your MIL already sees a lot of your daughter. She sees your daughter more than my mother or MIL sees my children. Plus, I agree with you on the sleep over. Everyone wanted my babies to sleep over too, but I thought 7 years would be perfect for sleeping over, because they are more indepentent. My babies breast fed so I thought it was too inconvenient for them to sleep over. Plus, they are my babies, and I wanted to enjoy them. They are little for such a small time. I would tell your MIL to wait until she's old enough to decide what she wants to do. On going shopping, if she is a crazy driver then I wouldn't want my kids driving with her either. Maybe suggest 3 times a week for babysitting. You are the mother, not her, you need quality time with your baby too.

NO, you are not being selfish! And if you *are* being overprotective, it's because you are a first time mom, and that's TOTALLY okay!

It's not our place to judge you or read between the lines of your post to tell you that you are wrong. You can't help the way you are feeling and you are actually establishing healthy boundaries......something that I WISH I had known to do early in my marriage in regards to my in-laws.

..... I just read a post that said that your baby is your MIL's baby too. I am sorry, but that is not true at all! You are the mom, your husband is the dad, and your MIL is only the grandparent, a role that is an honor, not a licensce to do whatever she pleases with your daughter.

Your MIL doesn't need to take your daughter shopping until you are comfortable with it. And for heavens sake! A 6 month old doesn't need to be having sleep overs! She needs YOU.
The more I read of your post, the more I think that MIL needs to understand who the parents are and what her boundaries are.
GOOD LUCK! And don't be so h*** o* yourself! :)

Your experiences with a first child will be much different than with other children.

Yes, in some ways, others may view you as being selfish, but I was very much the same with our son. I really didn't want him in the car with people who's driving I didn't know. I still don't want to leave them for a week so my husband and I can take a vacation by ourselves (they're 3.5 and 2 years old). My Mom has had to watch them a few times when we've both had to be out of town on business - that was hard as he was only 4 months old at the time.

In the end, you may need to give a little bit, too. If she watched him twice a week (depending on if you pay for it or not), you may need to pick your battles. Honestly, I don't see what she needs to take him shopping.

Everyone says being a grandparent is more fun than being the parent, and it sounds like she's really enjoying indulging him. I'd recommend that you and your husband set guidelines of what you believe is a good amount of interaction.

My parents only get to see my kids a few times/year as they're 600 miles away. My in-laws are 300 miles away, so it's about the same frequency.
Sometimes being closer sets up more expectations of how frequently they're seen - but, I do think you're going to need to compromise on some of the less important things and stand your ground on the important ones. Only you and your husband know what those are.

Good luck. Enjoy this time - it will keep getting more fun as the months pass!

No you are not being selfish I had/have the same issue with my MIL things have gotten better over the years (daughter 4 , my son is 2) but there is the expectation that they get to seem them all the time. And yes I have issues with other people driving my kids MIL and my own mom both have physical limitations.

So go with what you feel is right for you and your husband and your family because in the end if you are not happy neither is your husband or your child. Be sure you and your husband are on the same page because I was never with mine still am not when it comes to family issues.

I think if she is watching her while you go to college, that in itself is a huge favor! You are not being fair by saying she must stay home and not drive her anywhere. This is your mother in law's baby too! I am sure she has looked forward to beeing a Grandma for a long time, and she just wants to take her places and have fun with her! She loves your baby very much and would not let anything happenb to her. She considers your baby her own, as she is! Think how you would feel if one day your daughter told you that you may not drive her children anywhere!

You should be greatful that you have a MIL that wants to spend time with your daughter. Mine could care less and makes me very sad because she is such a wonderful baby. I thank God daily for my wonderful parents because they are the only Grandparents she has that care to spoil her.

You have every right to feel the way you do. I have been the same way with my baby. My mother, my boyfriend's father and grandmother all have been trying to get me to leave her with them since she was just about 3 months old (though they had been mentioning it since she was born pretty much), but luckily they respected my decision to not leave her with anyone for more than about an hour or an hour and a half (also in school). She's way too young to be spending the night anywhere by herself. It's important for your daughter that you be around her as much as possible and that you get to share those special moments with her when she first crawls, talks, etc. No one else should even want to take that away from you. It's great that your MIL loves her so much, but she has to realize there are boundaries and it's not natural for her to have your daughter so much when she's so young. You definitely need to put your foot down and know that you're doing what's best for your daughter and what feels right to you. After all, you are her mother.

Wow, some of your posts sound very angry towards family and anyone touching their baby. I want to start with my background in a nutshell. I have two kids, and went to school for Early Childhood Development, and have been a nanny, plus now running my own daycare to take care of my kids. I have been around many types of parents through teaching and working in the daycare industry. You are perfectly normal, you sound like the typical first time mom that is a little overprotective. I get why some things you want to be between just you and your husband. Your MIL needs to step back and let you have those moments together just the three of you. Your husband can tell her in a nice way, that you want her first pictures or her first trip to the zoo to be just the three of you, not your MIL. She does need to understand boundaries. I also agree that she is too young to stay overnight for some. I enjoyed letting my mom take my kids even as young as 5 months for one night so my husband and I could reconnect with each other. Remember you have a marriage too and that is something that is important. But I know some people don’t trust their parents or in-laws to take their kids. My mom was also a teacher and amazing with kids, so I completely trust her. Now my MIL is not very good with our kids and I would not trust her at all. So I can see why you wouldn’t want to leave your child overnight with your MIL.

I gave up my teaching career so that I could be there for the first crawl, word, or steps. I get that you want to experience that. But also you should enjoy the fact that your MIL wants to see her grandchild. I didn’t quite get in your info about how often she wants to come over. Is it more than two or three days a week? IF that is true, then she is asking for way too much. She should also only come over for a few hours, not the entire day. She probably just needs to sit down and have a talk with you both about how often and when she can visit. I do think you need to lighten up a little on all the rules about what she can and can’t do. Is she really that bad of a driver? You are going to at some point have to allow others to drive your kid around. That is a little bit over the top. I take my kid’s in my daycare on trips to the museums, parks, and zoos around the city all the time. I would hate to miss out on those opportunities if a parent told me I could only use a stroller. Your child will never call anyone else “Mamma” unless you leave her with somebody for more than 40 hours a week. A few visits from Grandma a few hours a day is not going to make your child think she is the mom. I have only seen one or two kids call me mom and that was because my day was very long with them and I was spending more time with the child than the parents were.

You are going to have to learn to trust others so that you can have moments away from your child for your own sanity. Don’t lose who you are once you become a mother. I have seen that happen so many times. They forget to have date nights, and little weekends at least once a year away from the kids. It is okay to trust a sitter or family member to watch your child. I also recommend joining “sitter city” they offer amazing people all in your zip code area that have background checks, resumes, and references. Join and start having a few date nights. It will calm you down more and put things into perspective.

I feel 2 ways about it... My son is now at the age (3.5) that he really wants to be around his "gigi" or "grammy" or my best friends and most of them just don't have the "time" to spend with him and it REALLY hurts my feelings (I dont let my son know that though)...
When my mom comes over (once in awhile) and has to go, he criesssssss when she leaves (because she doesn't come over a lot).. my best friend BARELY sees him nowadays and it REALLYYYYYYY bothers me...
On the other hand- my MIL wants to see him a lot.. When she does, she's EXTREMELY overbearing at times.. She wants JUST him and her to play, SHE wants to give him the blanket that SHE got for him for lay under, he has to lay with the stuffed animal that SHE got him, they watch the movie that SHE bought for him.. So on the other hand- she's great and wants to see him BUT she almost tries to play mommy with him and that pisses me off.. I have rules for him and she breaks them all.. I'm very scheduled and she lets him be all over the place...
So as you can see I am conflicted with how to answer your question.. My mom barely sees him and that really hurts both of us, or my MIL wants to see him but is annoying about it~
Be happy that she wants to spend the time with him (because I deal with a best friend and mom that barely do) but set the ground rules..
Good luck!

I think that you are lucky to have a MIL who is willing to help out and offer to watch your baby overnight. Yes, I think you are being overprotective except about the driving. Perhaps you or your husband could drop her off and enjoy a night out together. We wish we our girls could have a sleepover at grandma & grandpa's! Count your blessings.

I think you should be grateful your MIL offers to wach your daughter and to spend time with her. What is the problem with giving her more time with the child? Tell her to come and spend time at your house as much as she wants, you can go shopping or take a nap...
As for driving, shopping and sleeping over, I agree, your daughter is just too young for that..

Are you being selfish....ahhh...mostly no. :) I was the same way with my daughter and my MIL and anyone else for that matter. My daughter didn't have a sleep over until 1 year old. I don't think you're being unreasonable in that regard at all. I, too, spent as much time as I could with my daughter and was always around when she was around other people. I felt that I was a little overprotective - but that is how it is when it's your first child! I will tell you that things change. I no longer feel that me and my husband are the only ones who can "properly" take care of my daughter. :) And it is great for our relationship to get away and have date nights. My MIL is awesome and I would trust her with anything - it just took time. Also, you really should want your MIL to spend time with your daughter...that is wonderful that she wants to spend a lot of time with your daughter. I'd say you're pretty lucky. One more thing....if your MIL watches your daughter, she should be able to take her places. IE: if she needs to run an errand or even to take her to a park.

Good luck with everything - I'm sure it'll all work out just fine!

My 6 yr olds first sleep-over w/ anyone was with my in-laws... she was 15 mo old & I was going into the hospital to be induced w/ her brother. We really had no other option... but they never really asked for a sleep-over before that. They did watch her for us to go out for dinner (for our annivercery) when she was about 7 mo old, but it drove me nuts!!! The whole time we were out (only about 2 hours) we both felt like something was missing. Since then we have become a little more laxed... but my kids are 6, 4 1/2 & 2 1/2. The 2 1/2 yr old still hasn't had a sleep-over though, but might get his first come July - we'll have to see what time of the day I have the current baby.

I'm not sure why you are afraid to let you MIL drive to the store w/ the baby... does she have a bad driving record or has something happened to put fear in you?? You trust her to watch the baby 2 days a week for school - why is she not aloud to spend that time the way she wants w/ your daughter?? If she had more flexablity during that time, she may feel that the time she has with your daughter is more quality time & not need as much time besides that.

I see it is your first - is this her first grandchild or the only one that lives close?? She was a mom & her son is grown... she is missing the bond that a woman has w/ a baby. There is really nothing wrong with that... maybe you could take her for the 9 mo pictures or even go get another set of pictures that she helps you pick out. Sometimes if you only buy the basic back you can get a deal for $10 - $15 & honestly you can never have to many pictures of your little ones.

Also, as to the shopping - why don't you, your daughter & you MIL go out together... I actually like shopping w/ my MIL. Over my 15 yr marriage I have had my in-laws to count on more so then my own parents through out my life. Actually somepeople think my MIL is my mom & that my hubby is her son-in-law because of our relationship - lol.

Now, my situation is a bit different in the fact that my 6 yr old is actually my 2nd kid... I had my first when I was 17 and do to our situation my in-laws have raised our now 15 yr old. She is now old enough to choose where she wants to live & has picked to stay w/ my in-laws because that is when "her life" is. So, in many ways... our 6 yr old seems like our first, since our 15 yr old was living w/ my in-laws before she was 4 mo old.

I understand wanting to be protective... that is part of being a parent. But also try to remember, you aren't the only one that loves that little girl.

I think you are being a little selfish, but you do need to set boundaries. And you and your husband need to be on the same page about this. It sounds like your daughter is very blessed to have so many people care about her. That is very nice that your MIL is available to babysit while you are in college. Your daughter will know who you are so don't be concerned about her calling for mama. If your MIL did a fine job of raising your husband (and you married him) you need to develop some more trust with her. Be on the same team--you both have the best welfare of your daughter at heart. Now about the driving ... does she have a safe driving record, a safe car and a safe babyseat?? these are issues I would check out before I would let my child ride with anyone.

I completly understand how you feel. I felt this same way about both my inlaws. They were very controlling of my husband and tried to do the same thing with me. I had a dream right before I had my son that I had him and then my mother-in-law just took my baby away because she said I wouldn't be a good mother. Eeek. She also likes to throw out that we all need to do things as a "family", go to places as a "family". I think to myself umm, my husband, son and I are a "family". :) It irriates me but I try to ignore it. My son is 19 months now and we have just recently started having them watch him for extended hours of time. They would like him to stay the night but he breastfeeds still and we just don't feel comfortable staying away from him all night. You will get past the fear of of not being able to let anyone watch her, it just takes time. Since your mil watches her while you are in a college it would probably be good for her to have another car seat just incase there is an emergency. Instead of shopping maybe you could suggest going to a park? Just remember you are her mama and your mother-in-law will not replace you. If she calls her mama it isn't because she see's her as her mama, it is just a word that she can say easily. My son calls my husband mama all the time. It cracks me up and I tease him. I say, Mama, he wants you :) I am sure your mil would much rather be called grandma instead of mama. Also you and your husband are the main care providers and you will get to see all of these milestones. Yes there maybe some that you miss, but you will get to see 99.9% of them. :) I have also realized that there are things that we don't need to tell them. Things like getting pictures taken or other special events where we just want it to be us. Then they can't invite themselves or suggest it would be better as a "family" outing. :) Just try to breathe and realiize that she is excited to be a grandma and the newness of it all will probably wear off as some point.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are not being selfish. She is yours! I think you need to keep your MIL in check from the beginning or you could lose the control. You don't want her to feel like she has the upper hand and undermines your decision making. In my case, it is my actual mother that I am dealing with. My daughter stayed with her for a 7 days this past week; she is 3. My mother called and told me she gave her 2 M&M's so she would eat her breakfast! I lost it! What is that teaching her? She let's her stay up until 11PM - 12PM and just makes it hard to get her back to her daily routine. I know they just want to spend time with their grandkids, so it can be really hard. You are very lucky to have your MIL so close though! It would be so nice to have a free sitter any time. All in all, keep standing your ground, but don't let it ruin your relationship with you MIL. Good luck!

I do not think you're being selfish, but maybe slightly unrealistic. We all want to spend every second with our babies, no one really thinks anyone can care for their kids as well as they can themselves and no one wants to miss any milestone. However, you have to learn to let go of the anxiety of someone else watching her. If you trust that she has your daughters best interests in mind and will care for her the best she can, then let it go, even with the driving. Your MIL has managed to stay alive this long, she cant be that horrible a driver. Ultimately I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot protect them from everything. Trying to will make you an overprotective mother and will do your daughter a tremendous injustice and make her afraid of everything. Its a very hard thing to come to terms with. You have to accept that they will be hurt and you cant do anything about it. Its called life.

Also, you will be so happy that you have someone to watch her a year from now and an overnight will be your biggest savior for your marriage. You have a blessing laid at your door, dont let it go so easy, Many moms would love having someone in their life that love their child and will take them for a night whenever they want. However, I will say I wouldnt leave my son with anyone for the first year. Your MIL will have to accept that you are a new mom and have anxieties like all new moms.

Good luck, you'll work it out.

I don't think you are selfish at all. This is your child and she should be respecting your rules. Plus she does see her quite a bit.

Yes you are being selfish and a bit irrational.

Your daughter will know who her mom and dad are. She's going to know that grandma isn't her mommy. It's not like your baby is going to just up and start walking one day but if that is your concern have a talk with grandma and ask her not to tell you if she takes a first step while you're not watching or if she does another first while you're not there.

It's ok to have boundries with your MIL and your own mother. I really don't see the big deal with allowing her to be there for the pictures. Why that would be something you keep to yourselves, I'm not sure unless you thought she would pressure you to spend more money than you had planned (although that's the sales person's job - ha). Worse case scenerio would be maybe she chipped in and paid for some or all of the pictures.......... But I see too if you wanted to surprise everyone with the pictures being your motivation for not wanting anyone there. ???????

I'll tell you that my own mother drives me nuts sometimes but I've learned to choose which battles I want to fight which aren't many. My rationale is that the benefits of her being around outway the bad and I know that I'm not going to have her forever so I want her around as much as I can have her. My MIL is very old and lives in another state but I love to have my kids around her. They will likely never remember meeting her.

Anyway, my suggestion is to let go and embrace the help you have. Go on a date with your husband once a week without the baby. Be thankful you have family nearby.

Hi, I felt the exact same way as you when my daughter was a baby. I still don't like anyone to transport her around. Now that she is 3, I actually wish we had more volunteers to keep her and they have all disappeared including my MIL. We now have to ask family to keep her instead of the other way around. I suspect its because she's a toddler and I know how much they can wear you out when you're not used to having one around (or even if you are). Just know, it's normal and that you will most likely relax once she's a little older.

I agree with everything she wrote.
but would like to add, that it seems like your still harbor a little grudge and you seem like your a little jealous of your MIL relationship with your daughter.
Nothing wrong with the no driving rule, but everything else, you need to chill out with, she want to be in the pics or just ride along? If she wanted to just ride along, then its not a big deal. Keep in her good stead, you will need her help later on when your having a bad day and would like to drop your kid off for a much needed mommy break.

You are not being selfish. If you and your husband are in agreement about sleepovers, car rides, etc then stick to your decision. Invite your MIL over for dinner to thank her for her babysitting and spend as much time with her as you feel you can but do not feel guilty about taking things slow with your child. Good luck.

Cultural differences, yet again. My mother, MIL, best friend, adult nieces, anyone who I knew loved my child could keep him overnight if they desired. What's the difference in overnight versus daycare if you were working?

Also, you give very little love and credit back to your MIL for free babysitting. You sound kind of witchy....

You are absolutely NOT being selfish and it is a shame if you're MIL is making you feel that way. As I read some of the posts many people are saying they wish they had inlaws like yours, well unless they are in your shoes or the shoes of someone that has inlaws that don't respect your boundaries they could never fully understand! I can completely relate to your situation, my inlaws (even though they live 2.5 hrs. away) have a VERY difficult time accepting boundaries/rules and demand and make us feel guilty when they do not get their way in seeing and interacting with my daughter. Just try to reassure yourself that this is YOUR daughter and you deserve to do all the firsts with her after all you are the MOTHER not your MIL. She had her opportunity to be the parent with your husband. Now its your turn and you deserve to do it your way and enjoy every minute of it. Good luck with getting your MIL to respect your rules and boundaries and if you figure out how to do it, please update us, there are many of us out here right there with you!

no not selfish. but bare in mind he might have his firsts during those two days he is with grandma, and you can't avoid that if that is when they'll happen. as for sleepovers, way early. my kids are 5 and i have yet to let them sleep over without me anywhere (family included). try to tell her no when you don't want her, but say a gentle no, as in i am sorry but...

Look, I understand that you are a first time mom and very protective of your daughter, but I think you are being unrealistic about being there for each of the "firsts". I have to work, and I have to pay someone to watch my kids - and as a result, I'm sure my kids' babysitter saw all the firsts my kids did. But it didn't matter until I saw them myself - that is when I counted it as the first time it happened.

And you are SOOOO lucky to have your MIL watch your daughter. I really wish my MIL could watch my kids. I think you need to loosen up a bit. Stop spending so much time obsessing about what your MIL is going to do or not do. It is clear she loves your daughter. It does take a village to raise a child as someone mentioned before.

Unless you see a real danger (perhaps with the aggressive driving) stop setting so many boundaries. It sounds to me like you are still having issues with your MIL. You are going to have to learn to trust someone else if you and your husband ever want to get a break for yourselves.

And really, your daughter isn't going to call anyone else "mama" but you. My kids were both watched 40+ hrs a day by someone other than me, and they still said "mama" to me, and no one else.

Some of what you say sounds reasonable, and some doesn't. I think telling your MIL that the 6-month pictures were just for you and your husband is FINE. As long as you didn't include other extended family, it wasn't like you were excluding her. Your family has a right to privacy sometimes, too.

But, I think having your MIL baby-sit for you but not allowing her to take your daughter out seems pretty selfish and unfair (unless your MIL is not a good driver, or you have a specific objection to it - but it sounds like you're just being over-protective). Actually, that's really pretty presumptuous. Does she have a carseat? Have you made sure it's installed correctly, and spoken to her about strapping your daughter in correctly? You need to do those things (in case of emergency, your MIL should be able to drive to the hospital if she needed to!), and then relax a bit. This woman managed to raise your husband, and you're letting her watch the baby two days a week, so you need to put more trust in her.

However, I agree that your daughter is too young for sleep-overs at Grandmas - she'll have plenty of time for that when she's older. At 6-7 months, she's still at a mild risk for SIDS, and I have yet to let my son spend a single night without me (he's 14 months old). I doubt I'll be ready for that for at least another 10 months!

Finally, you need to calm down a bit. You can be overprotective, but you're worrying too much. Your daughter isn't going to call your MIL "mama." She will know who feeds her and cuddles her at night and is there for her. She will love her grandmother as a grandmother and you as her mother. So why don't you try to compromise? Since your MIL has her on her own two days a week, and hopefully you'll soon relax and let her take the baby shopping or whatever she wants, why don't you schedule a day a week when you and your MIL (and your hubby, if possible) all take your daughter out to do something fun. Go to the park together, the zoo, the aquarium, or whatever. Let MIL have time with your daughter, knowing that you're there too.

You're actually luckier than you know. I have no family living near me, and there are some days when I would really feel so much better if I had someone who could take the baby while I ran some errands or had a night out with my husband (working is out of the question). You can't let your MIL take over, of course, but keep the relationship friendly and trusting and you will thank your lucky stars later on. Good luck.

You are NOT being selfish. And if you are, so what? She's YOUR daughter. Enjoy your time with her and anytime you want to allow your MIL the privilege of spending time...good for you. I am not a fan of my in-laws and would certainly never leave my kids with either of them. Good luck!!

I totally agree w/ you. I also am a bit over protective I guess you could say LOL w/ my baby too (16 mo now and we are the only ones to watch her alone still!) I dont let anyone watch her still I just cant let go, I know she will like it and it is good for her but I want to have it my way and they learn so much from others LOL. I can go on for days about how I feel about this and I wont I will spare you but just know you are not the only person out there that feels this way and yes it is h*** o* the MIL but she will get over it, after all she is your baby not hers. what is it about the sleep overs? I mean they are babies they should sleep at home, well I know not everyone would agree but I always think she is nuts when she wants her to sleep over as I only let her take her alone once for a walk in a stroller around my block too LOL. if you want to talk more about this just write me a message and we can exchange emails and chat. LOL. glad to know I am not the only one out here like this.

Driving is the most dangerous thing most of us do each day and it's entirely reasonable to tell not only your MIL but also ANY babysitter that they have to stick to the stroller. A little baby doesn't need to ride around in a car for her own entertainment, that's all about what the caretaker wants to do. So good for you for sticking to your guns on that.

As for the rest, well, as you said you have had issues, but you might try to find a little room in your heart to allow your MIL to shine for your granddaughter. You'll always be her mommy, and MIL will always just be a grammy.

I think that whether your concerns about your MIL are valid really depends upon how your MIL responds to the boundaries you set. This is true of any person in your child's life, not just your MIL. Since you have told your MIL not to drive while she has your child and she has respected that, I think that is a great sign that she shows you respect as the mother of the child. Whether or not your boundaries are the same as other parents' boundaries is not the issue. The issue is whether your MIL will be respectful of the choices you have made for your child while your child is in her care.

Make sure that your MIL understands what the rules are. Also, make sure you are giving her the opportunity to make special memories with your child. Invite her along on outings sometimes, let her have your daughter for an extra evening once in a while other than the agreed upon 2 days per week. That doesn't mean you have to accept every offer she makes, just that you should be willing to compromise on some things. Of course, if MIL crosses the boundaries (refuses to follow nap and bedtime times, gives baby food she isn't allowed to have, takes baby somewhere that you asked her not to go, etc) then you would want to reconsider and limit some of her time. You have to make sure that she knows what the rules are, though, or you're just going to strain your relationship. Also, be sure to show her appreciation. If your MIL is the kind of grandma that respects the parents as adults and loves the baby as a grandchild, not as a do-over of motherhood for herself, then you are a very lucky mom.

Well... I do think that you're maybe being a little overly concerned - assuming your with your daugther a lot, she's not going to call your MIL "mama" instead of you. That said, I think you've set find boundries and expectations - now just stick with it. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but in a situation where this is family and she's going to be in your life for a long time, it's usually easiest to just make it into as little of a deal as possible. When she mentions the sleepovers just casually say "someday, I'm sure I'll be ready for that, but not yet" and then change the subject. If she persists, say that you already answered her about that. Same with the car ("Sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with someone else driving her. I know it seems overprotective, but that's my rule for now.") Don't allow yourself to create or get wrapped up in the drama.

I don't know why she would need to bring your daughter shopping. it is not as if your daughter will enjoy that. So I don't see anything wrong is having the visits be at your house and not elsewhere at this age. When your daughter is older and expeditions are fun eg. wonderworks, or the zoo or the playground etc. then it will be different.
I would definitely relax about the first crawl etc. The first crawl for you will be when you see the first crawl. It is definetly very nice that your MIL wants to spend time with her granddaughter. I am sure in the future when you want a date night, it will be fab to have a relative that is willing to mind her. And if in a year or two you want to go on an overnight, it will be great to have a relative that could mind her. Many of us don't have any relatives in sight and would love some support. It is fine to have boundaries but it sounds like you are overstressing on this. Enjoy the fact that your MIL wants to be involved. The most important thing is that your daughter will gets lots of love. The next important thing is that when your daugther is a little older, that you MIL follow whatever direction you give her regarding rules in the house eg maybe no juice, no candy, bedtime, no TV whatever the rules are.

Enjoy.