The day before yesterday my daughter came home very upset. She told me that her friend had told her that she "isn't Black", according to her the discussion came up when her teacher told the class that next month is "Black History Month" & the first thing that they were going to cover was Martin Luther King, when the teacher asked the class if anyone knew who he was my daughter told the class that he helped make it possible for a Black person like her to have White family and play with her White friends ( this was her own 7 1/2 year old interpretation). She told me that one of her classmates then told the whole class that she wasn't Black, because her father is "Mexican" & she didn't have "Black skin" like hers. I guess the little girl was "carded" for talking out of turn in class, but my daughter said that once recess came the little girl kept taunting her telling her she's not Black, she said the classmate commented on her hair and even called her "Lighty skin". I couldn't believe this, I can't believe that this sort of colorism STILL exists and that a 7 year old child is aware of it, I mean what kind of conversations is an adult having with a child that she learns all of this!?!?
I never really talked race with my daughter, to her she's always just been another Black girl. But after this she kept asking questions. Her father from Belize,& his family speaks Spanish (I guess that's why the little girl said her father was 'Mexican') & I've always considered him "Black Latino" and both of my parents are Biracial, I explained to her that my parents, myself, & her father are all considered Black, so she to is Black, end of story, but she came home yesterday claiming the little girl told her that she "isn't Black or White or Nothing", which made her even more upset, I just don't know what else to say to her, any advice???
THANK YOU EVERYONE, such great advice & encouraging words. I just had no clue where to go from here in dealing with the situation. I also want to make it clear that I fully embrace my "White side"/family :) ( GO IRELAND! ) & my daughter has most definitely been taught about her "Latino side" & White family. I guess when I was younger it was a mouthful stating that both of my parents are "Biracial" and since my skin isn't "White" I would simply answer "Black" when someone asked & I taught my daughter the same since "My father is "Black Latino" from Belize and my mother's possibly technically 'Biracial' because both of her parents are 'Biracial'" is definitely a HUGE mouthful, haha :).
The race issue isn't the real problem here. It is bullying.
Talk to the teacher. The child is using blackness this time.
Next time it could be fatness or slowness or what kind of
car the family she is after has. Go to the teacher/principal
ASAP.
Sometimes when we try to teach pride we end up with arrogance. That little girls momma was probably trying to teach her to be proud of being black but she hasn't gotten to the humility part yet. Someday she'll be really ashamed of saying those things. It sounds like your sweet baby, on the other hand, has the humility part without the pride. Do your best to teach her pride, not just in her color, but her unique heritage. Our differances make us special, but that's a hard thing to convince a little girl. There is a website full of famous biracial people you can show her. You can teach her some snappy comeboacks for dealing with bullies. She will eventually get to the concept that.... We are all people. All Gods children. We all bleed red. Everybody has feelings that can be hurt and everybody has a momma that hurts with them.
Explain to your daughter that she is bi-racial (I guess actualy multi-racial) since you are black (actually bi-racial yourself) and hispanic. Teacher her the differences in everyone skin tones (even "pure" caucasians and "pure" blacks have varying skin tones).
She can then respond to the little girl that she is both black, white, and hispanic but most importantly she is human. She should also tell the little girl that she is being mean and hurtful and walk away.
I feel your pain. I have biracial children. My daughter has been taunted at her school by the white girls who tell her "We don't play with Black Girls" And she cries and says who cares what color I am! I have taught my children to love people for what they have on the inside and not what it outside, becuase people are people, no matter what color they are. That is why mommy and daddy love each other so much - because we love what is inside and not what color our skin is. I wasn't raised that way. I *used* to have a pretty racist family, but I have done a good job in changing their minds :-)
I would tell your daughter that she is prefect and beautiful inside and the color outside doesn't even matter. You are doing your best to teach her to be proud of her heritage. She knows that she is black and the little girl that is teasing her just doesn't have the capacity to understand that yet.
I would have a talk with the teacher about this too. This month would be a perfect time for the teacher to discuss with thte children about this very issue. The taunting and teasing is unacceptable.
In a way, I think this can actually show how far we have come in realizing racial differences....your daugther was taunted for NOT being 'black' enough, whereas in the 60s, she wouldn't have been allowed in her classroom. It can almost be empowering to let your daughter know that no matter what her skin color, she is allowed to be in any school she wants to be!
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Kids think more in "black or white" than adults and i mean in a broader kind of way, not just in term of colors. You either are or are not something to them, and that's just because they don't have the knowledge/experience/ mental skills to include "gray areas" in their thought process. They don't understand the complexity of the reality, they tend to simplify things so they can "handle" them better and are superficial in a non-intentional kind of way. So don't be mad at the girl, she can't get "race", which is, more and more, a VERY complex concept. Now,I too heard that, in general, if you have some "black genes" in you, then you are considered black, and you seem to confirm this construct (you consider yourself black), so I guess you could explain your daugther that there are different "hues" of black??? The subject really makes me smile a bit as I too was considered not entirely caucasian by my ex mother in law, who thought, at first, that "Italian" was a race of its own...I thought it was so funny! So my advice is to tell your daughter about all the very fine lines between the races, so she can understand (and maybe explain to others) that skin comes in different shades and that definitions really don't matter.
You can only tell her the other other girl is ignorant and to ignore her. There is internal racisim within races. I.E A dark skin black person mocking a light skin black person and visa versa. I've seen this over the years and my own very dark skinned GF mocks the light girls. She said she was raised that way. Not that it makes it any better, but there are people like that and probably will alsways be. Tell your daugter you are blessed to be mixed with a few different races, none of which define who you are.
How sad.... kids reflect, their parents attitudes....
In preschool, my daughter was told by a girl, that she couldn't play with them because "You don't have blond hair like us...." and she was shunned. All those girls, had blond hair. My daughter has brown hair.
I told the Teacher. The Teacher talked to the kids, about discrimination... and that everyone is the SAME inside. This girl... had issues and bullied other kids too, about their appearance and coloring.
Which, in Hawaii... is really not the norm... because here, it is SO diverse and MANY MANY people are of mixed ethnic backgrounds and heritages. It is so common.
My daughter, knows who she is, her culture (which is mixed) and she is proud and she does not go by skin color or cultural differences. We, from the time my kids were babies, just always spoke of other cultures, and theirs, and that it is all so interesting.... not putting a 'personal' attitude on it... but respecting... other cultures and ethnic backgrounds.
Here... in Hawaii... SO many people have so many skin colors.
Even the Polynesians... come in varied shades. And heck, SO many people here have 'dark' skin anyways... because it is a beach culture and we are always outdoors and we get tan... in the sun. So you cannot assume "race" or ethnicity, based on skin color. It is superficial.
Anyway, there are so many culture groups & Clubs in each State... that ANYONE can join... and to learn about and make friends that way. That is also a GOOD way.... to teach diversity and cultural and ethnic knowledge... to children.
all the best,
Susan
I don't think you should play down your own biracial heritage, let alone your multi-racial child's. There is nothing wrong with being a "mutt", and in fact mutt's tend to be the most beautiful due to all the mixing of the genes. I'm a European mutt and am proud to have such a varied group of heritages.
You need to tell her it doesn't matter if someone calls her white, hispanic or black - she should be proud of who she is and who her family is.
If you don't like the term mutt - switch it out for another word you prefer to give the impression of a blended heritage.
Show her skin color compared to your skin color...compared to her father, her grandmother, aunt, uncle, etc. No two people have the same exact skin color when you compare forearm to forearm...this is just always what I've done with my son. Who is white. Whiter than his dad. But not as white as me. See?
OK personally I think you need to come up with something for her to tell this little girl to shut her up.
If you've explained your heritage to your daughter, you can't do more than that.
To me, this is an issue of dealing with bullying in school, and she needs to learn how to stand up for herself. This other girl is getting under her skin (no pun intended) because she can. She needs a good one-liner to shut this other little brat up. I'm thinking of something like, "It's not my fault that you don't get it". I'd be meaner. But, that's me. And of course, you don't want to teach your kids to be mean. Just to defend themselves.
She's dealing with a bully. Teach her how to back them down.
kids can be so mean..i am white so my experience is not exactly the same but i got picked on bad when i was a child. teach her some quick comebacks.
we have good family friends the mom is very dark black and dad is white. in school some of the mean kids called their children "oreos" my mom told me this as a child and i said what they eat too many cookies? they had to get thicker skin. but why...why cant the mean kids learn to be more compassiate? i would give you a big hug if i was there..
It sounds like the girl taunting your daughter has a darker skin tone than your daughter and has been brought up with the old saying, "if you are whire you are all right; if you are brown stick around; if you are yellow you are a nice fellow; if your black stay back." This statetment comes from the days of slaves when the lighter people worked in the home and the darker ones worked outside.
Yes, it would be good for you to contact the teacher and the school and have a viable discussion to show that not everyone who is black looks black. In fact my daughter gets taken as Hispanic regularly because of her skin tone and the way she wears her hair. If she puts in the blue contacts that's another story altogether.
So please teach your daughter a few comeback lines and how to grow a thicker skin as this is the beginning of many little incidents to come. We have Halle Berry, Alicia Keys, the late Lena Horne, Lenney Kravitz, Prince, as examples of people who are bi or multi-racial.
Good luck with the lessons.
The other S.
UPDATED: My grandson is bi-racial so the family is a huge melting pot. I foresee one day the whole country will be one and possibly one color of cafe lait for all the mixes.
I would tell my daughter that she is very lucky to be of different races, she has so many different cultures to celebrate. That is must be boring to have only one place to say where family is from. I should know I'm a British Mutt , while I LOVE where my family is from it must be much more interesting to be from all over the world.
sorry it's not a long drawn out response , I kind of thing this has a simple answer.
That's unfortunate that ignorance still persists. Reassure you daughter that some people just haven't been taught the differences in ethnicity and culture and that this other child certainly has not learned yet while you probably dislike saying she is ignorant..her parents certainly are.. Also, the teacher who is teaching should be discussing ethnicity and culture and the varying array of skin tones and should be supporting your daugther and her background as well as any other child in the classroom.
America is a wonderful place to be any race! This is a form of bullying and at 7, this little girl needs some guidance from her parents. I would first talk to the teacher and see if her parents are the cause of this or if they would be open to talk to you....(just to be prepared for anything) then I would talk. You'd be doing this little girl a favor!
God bless,
M.
I'm not really sure what to say here but my daughter's father is black and I am hispanic and european. So...in the future, when my daughter can talk I want her to know that she is black and white. To me it's important for her to feel like both, not just be lumped into one category.
I think you need to discuss this with the teacher and/or principal. This is a form of bullying and those kids are just ignorant that most of this world is made up of mixed ethnicities whether they are white, black, asian, etc.
Sorry I can't help here but I'm curious to see what others say.
I feel your daughter's pain. When I was 5 we moved from Chicago to a small town in Mississippi. A 'yankee in rebel territory" ! We lived there for about 5 years and moved back to Chicago. Now I was a rebel hillbilly because of my accent and on top of it as soon as the other kids realize I was German I became a rebel hillbilly nazi! Kids can be very mean. I would talk to the teacher and continue tlking to the teacher until it stops!!!!
The way I see it is the issue isn't really about color but is about your daughter needing to learn how to deal with difficult people. We all have to go through life learning how to deal with difficult people. I was taught from a very early age that when someone/anyone says something true about you don't worry about it and when they say something that is a lie about you don't worry about it. The truth can speak for itself. I also learned how to develop other skills and tools of coping with difficult people. I remember my first experience with some one telling me that I was something that I wasn't. It was very upsetting at first but then I just learned to grow a thick skin against it. (My ancient as dust Uncle Garland would always call the little girls boys and the little boys girls. He would love to hear us kids argue with him and try to explain to him that we were who we are. He had been doing that since my mother was a little girl (hence the ancient part). He died two years ago at 98 years old and even thought he had lost his sight he did the same thing to my son and my neices and nephews when they would visit him when they were little.)
Long story short we live in a tough world and we all need the skills to deal with difficult people. The teacher at the school may be a helpful resource as well as the school administration and the little's girls parents too.
You might check with the children's or Resource librarian at your local library. There are tons of books on race and bi-racial families. Some are quite good, about how different ethnic and cultures are mixed and observed. It might help her understand the mixed ethnic background she has. She is going to hear this again if she says she is black but doesn't have all the physical features but is a mix of several. They also address the questions of What are you" that eventually comes up from rude people.
I have a friend who is white and has a daughter that is half black. The daughter looks Polynesian, she is olive skinned and has waist long wavy, black beautiful hair. She has fuller lips and is quite pretty. But she always has to say she is half black because everyone things she is from the Islands.
How sad she has to deal with this taunting! As a teacher I had a biracial child who mostly lived with her white moms and not her black father. During Black History Month we read a story and a white child pointed out that this child was black in front of the class. I know the white child did not mean it as a taunt but as one of the few children of color in a room full of white children, it was hard to be singled out. She did not react well back and was resentful and upset the rest of the day. My point being your child is old enough now to figure out together with you how to deal with more innocent situations like the one I mentioned in a mature way with your help. As for dealing with the situation you are in now, I would arrange a meeting with the guidance counselor so that the two girls can meet with a mediator. The message needs to be delivered to this child that she has no right to be defining the racial identity of people based on their skin color. That the shade of your skin is not a good indicator of where your family is from. If more families focused on that instead of color labels, I think much more interesting and fruitful conversations would happen in schools. Best of luck--your daughter needs to feel safe and the school has the responsibility to intervene here to help clear the air and to apply consequences to this child for taunting others.
This stinks, but as a former teacher I know this kind of thing is rampant among little kids. They do get it in part from their parents, but I also believe that some amount of this kind of racism is just inherent in kids and we need to educate it out of them. Regardless, your responsibility is to your own kid and not the others. Although there might be something you can do to increase acceptance within the school (look up the story of the Princess Boy and what his family and teachers did to help him), I think it's time to have a big talk with your own daughter. I see you already have talked with her a bit.
Basically, the way I see it, there is a wealth of resources for her. First of all, you need to explain to her how racist misperceptions like the other girl's are really common among little kids, who can also be mean and that it's not so much a reflection on your kid but on the other little girl's poor self esteem. It's not going to help her much if she's hurting from the incident, but she does need to be told this. Then you need to explain to her how in Latin America, they've always had a different outlook when it comes to the range of skin colors, celebrating it instead of negating each others' differences. There's a name for a huge variety of skin colors and ethnic mixes there, and knowing that can make her feel good about her own skin tone. I wouldn't bother teaching her any comebacks for this other little girl, who will probably continue to harass her for a long time, until she gets bored. I'd just teach your daughter how to make her get bored faster, which would be by pretending that the other little girl doesn't exist.
I would see if you can get some children's books about ethnic and skin color differences for the teacher to read to the class and discuss how everyone is valuable and unique. See if you can get your community to rally behind your daughter, while at the same time not making the other little girl feel bad. Maybe you could try contacting the other little girl's mom and talking to her about it, just to see if she's open to teaching empathy or not. She could end up being your biggest ally, because no mom wants their kid to be teased. And in the end, if the school and community don't show their support for you, put her in a different school that will.
