Ideas for Helping Adopted African American Baby Find Role Models

There's also a play group/parent support group in SLC area - sw part, Colorful Kids Connect. Contact me if you want more info. There are a lot of people in this area who have adopted babies of a different race. In fact, adoption agencies in the East call Utah agencies when they can't find an adoptive family.

There is a group that I think gets together in Longmont of mostly families who've adopted children of color.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ncoloradochildrenofcolor/?v...

You can also search meetups.com (might be meetup.com) to see if you can find other either biracial families and/or families with adopted children.

As a mom of a biracial child in a place where there just isn't a large African American population.. personally, be a good role model, with a strong women and men in their lives and love them.

L.

We have adopted a little brown baby who is now three. We have some friends of his same race so that helps us and him to learn. We also have 2 white adopted sons as well. We take them to a mixed race home daycare and have found this to be quite satisfying for all so far. As he grows I suspect we will need to do things different so that he can interact more socially. I think also teaching him about his heritage will be important in the future. Possibly a school where there are children of color, not a majority white will be important to. He has been a wonderufl addition to our family and I wouldn't hesitate to adopt a brown baby again. We call him our litle brown baby, well cause he is not african, and as many colored people have brought to our attention their not actually black either. At any rate I'm just babbling, but that's how our life looks like with him so far. Best of luck.

No matter how you create your family there are people who will critisize and people who will praise. You will make the decision that is best for you and your family. Just by starting to think about what adopting a child from another culture or race is huge. Thinking about parenting is something a great number of families could benefit from! We have a son from Korea and a daughter from Ethiopia, and we work to make sure they know they are from other wonderful countries and they have/had families there who love them very much. They are still young, so this is just the beginning. We try to find ways to incorporate their culture into our lives - our son attends Tae Kwon Do, we have a group of other Ethiopian adoptive families we meet with, and we cook food from both countries. And that, too, is just a beginning. There are a few resources that are good. Here are just a few to get you started!

http://www.interracialfamilycircle.org/
http://braidsbeadstruth.wordpress.com/
http://www.rainbowkids.com/
http://www.antiracistparent.com/
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/index.php

Good luck!

L.

Hi-
I know this is not the same thing, but I am white and provided respite care for 6 weeks for an African-American foster child who was being removed from his awful placement. I had a close relationship with the child, who was five at the time as I had been his preschool teacher for three years. Anyway, I got information on hair and skin products from African-American co-workers (what to use, where to get his hair cut, etc.) I even sought out businesses in Denver that catered to African-American clientele and walked in asking advice. The people I encountered were extremely supportive of me and did not make me feel uncomfortable at all! I also took him to restaurants, and other places in neighorhoods that were more diverse than my own neighborhood was at the time. How old is the child you intend to adopt? I think lots of rich discussions will help and children's books and toys that represent people of color. You need to be committed to allowing the child to dress how he wants, wear his hair how he wants, etc. even if it is different from what you like or what your other children like. Also, please keep his given name or if he does not have one, give him a name that fits his heritage!! One of the ill-suited families who was fostering the boy I am talking about wanted to change his name to a more "white" name. How demoralizing!!

It is important to have at least a few people who are African American in the intended babies life, but I don't think it is a priority right off, the baby won't care what color you or anyone else is in the begining, there are big sister/brother groups that could help you out once the child gets older. The playground is a good place, it isn't so much about the bonding expierience as it is about the interaction, but I think that is true of any child no matter what race or color they are. My sister has 5 kids (at the moment) and 3 of them are half black and one is 1/4 black, there isn't a lot of interaction with the dads side but there is with ours and we are white and it really hasn't been a big deal. Now a friend of the family also adopted 2 children of African descent many, many, years ago and they didn't have much interaction with people of their heritage except for in school or out on play dates and they never felt excluded or different. I honestly think it comes from outside sources, sometimes family,that makes them feel different. I wouldn't worry about it to much know, there may be a time where the child starts to ask question but until then I would not stress to much about it. Good luck!

Hi T.!
I have to transracial and international adoptees...
I agree with everybody who suggests support groups for adoptive families and with everybody who stated that the most important thing is a mom and dad who love them for who they are.
I think it is important to have friends of a variety of cultures and background regardless of what your family looks like - we've found that be open to a variety of cultural experiences allows us to celebrate those that are special to our family based on our children's country of birth - without over emphasizing it.
Something else to keep in the back of your mind is that your culture, the way you were raised, will naturally be dominant. My children are not going to be "like" other children of their race who were raised by birth parents - my culture is white catholic - my husbands culture is wasp - and our values and traditions are what they are. And that is okay. We do incorporate as many aspects of our children's birth country as we can but I have cousins who are transracial adoptees and they aren't quite accepted as adults by "their racial group" because they "act white." That was something they had to come to terms with on their own - and they have.
One thing that has helped us is finding babysitters of a variety of ethnicities while the kids were very young... and look at your neighborhood and school system. I do know families that moved into more diverse neighborhoods so their child wouldn't be an "only"
this is an excellent article:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=586
and here is another one:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/694309/a_few_thi...

T.!
What a wonderful commitment you have made! Before we married my husband asked me to please consider NOT having any biological children but only adopting (I already had a son from a previous marriage). We had been traveling the world and knew first hand that there were SOOO many children that needed homes. It almost seemed immoral to bring more children into the world.
Well, today we have a son from China and a daughter from India! We also have a bio daughter now. It has been the best and most precious experience to know we have given 2 children a home and hope for a future. The pure love I feel for them is no different then I feel for my biological children.
OK, to answer your question. Ask yourself WHY is it so important to make sure your child has "a lot of interaction" with his own race. Our daughter has an older couple that are Indian and a few kids at her private school but other than that we just don't make a big deal out of it. Our Chinese son has virtually no one that looks like him. If you are in Utah, diversity is pretty hard to find. We do celebrate Chinese New Year and we do have a lot of books in our home from their countries and make sure they know we respect and honor those places but if you make such a big deal out of it, I believe it only makes them feel more different and set apart. This is such a short answer to a complicated question but Best wishes! If I can help, please write to me!

T.,

My advise: Inquire at The University of Utah
You missed a lot of opportunities in February,
but I am sure someone there can assist you.

http://www.kued.org/productions/voices/about/program.htm

I do feel it is important that everyone appreciate the
culture that they come from. I do not know your religious
affiliation but there are baptist and LDS congretations
that have a black majority.

Wishing you all the best,
with Joy, C.

I am a caucasian woman who adopted an African-American baby when he was six months old - he's now almost 11 years old, and he is one of the greatest blessings in my life. We were told the same thing about providing interaction for him with people of color and it was a concern for us, but it's amazing how it all worked out...

When we adopted our son, we were living in California where there is a lot of diversity. Although we didn't have any African American friends, there were people of every race all around us, so we started to look at opportunities to connect with people of different races. But the amazing thing that happened is that once we adopted him, African American people started showing up in our lives...I met a caucasian woman who had a son that was a few months younger than my son whose father was black. They (the boys) grew up together and eventually became best friends. Black people started showing up at our church and in other areas of our life, so our son was provided with that type of connection almost immediately.

About 4-1/2 years ago, we moved to Colorado, and everything changed at that point. We live in a white community, there's no arguing that point. All my son's friends are white and we rarely see black people anywhere. So far, it's not a problem, and I do talk to my son about it - but he's been raised in a family that doesn't see color and so at his age, it doesn't seem to be an issue. I am concerned that as he gets older, it will become more important to him, and I'm already considering moving back to California in a few years specifically to give him the diversity he might desire. I have to be honest, living in California all my life and then moving to an almost all-white area (Boulder, CO) feels a little weird to me. I prefer the diversity and ethnic differences of a more diverse community. Denver has a huge African-American population so as my son gets older, we may spend more time there connecting with the community...we'll see.

Another thing we did was connect with his birth mother and her very large family (including my son's older siblings). Although we don't see them much anymore - we're in Colorado and they're in California - we do communicate regularly by telephone, letters and photos, etc. When we do go to California to visit, we visit them as well. My son knows he has a huge family in California and feels connection in that way. I don't know if this will be an option for you, but if it is, I urge you to take advantage of it. Depending on the situation, you will have to have strong boundaries with the birth mother and her family - I have, and it hasn't always been pleasant. But the fact is, they are my son's family and I will do anything to foster that relationship in the case that he wants to be involved with them as a teenager and an adult. Plus, we can get any questions answered about his heritage, parents, grandparents, etc. that he might have. This has really been a blessing to us all.

Another thing we've done is attend festivals honoring all cultures, not just African American. Our family (my husband and three daughter, plus me and my son) all love learning about different cultures, and we appreciate the fact that caucasian and African American are just two cultures among many others. This tends to minimize the focus on our little world and create an opportunity to look at the big picture.

But here's the main point I'd like to make...African American boys are the hardest children to place in families that want to adopt - they are at the bottom of the list. You didn't say whether you were planning to adopt a boy or a girl, but either way, you are giving a child a loving home who may not otherwise have that opportunity. There are more African American boys in the US foster care system than any other race/gender, at least when we adopted 10 years ago, that was the case. Whether you have black kids/people around for your child to connect with or not, he will be loved, connected and part of a family that wanted him. In my book, that's beautiful. What's important is family, love, being wanted and cared for...this is what makes healthy, happy children.

We all have challenges in our lives - I had a really unhappy childhood, but the fact is, the lessons I learned and the growth I experienced as a result of the pain of that made me a really awesome, caring and loving parent (if I do say so myself - I guess if you want the truth, you should ask my children...) My point is, my son may have issues when he grows up about living in such a white world, but the fact is, he's a really happy, well-adjusted and caring kid who doesn't judge people based on the color of their skin. I know two African American adults who grew up as adoptees in white families, and they both have stories of the discomfort (mostly as teens) of growing up in white communities, but they are both wonderfully loving, creative, successful adults who grew up to be fine human beings who do great things in the world. Follow your heart and do what feels right to you. And if you'd like to continue this conversation or if you have any specific questions I might answer for you, please feel free to contact me directly (____@____.com).

Best of luck to you and your family. I love my son with my whole heart and couldn't imagine my life without him. I wish the same for you.

T.

Many of my husbands family have adopted multi-racial children. They have had to adopt from another country first to prove they could handle the racial issue. It is great you want to adopt inside the US but you might look into the laws of the adoption ageny's first. You will have to jump through the hoop (so to speak).
C. B

for role models, look into historic heroes like rosa parks and mlk. tell stories about them. go to different communities and activities. make friends. church is a great place too. when you become friends with other people, you will have more opportunities to have your children play with theirs. even if you meet someone in a store, get to know them, switch numbers, and get together for fun.

I adopted a Latina child at 20 months. Although I am Caucasian, I have darker, olive-toned skin, so my daughter looks like a birth daughter. She's always been at a pretty diverse daycare, so we haven't dealt with this issue much.

(One time she told me she has dark skin. We put our arms together and I showed her how my skin was dark, too and aren't we beautiful. She agreed and went off to play.)

I do have plenty of Hispanic friends, so I think that helps.

All of this information has been very helpful to me also. Thanks.

Bless you for considering the wonderful route of adoption! We are a biracial couple (black/white) and have adopted (separately) two kids who are bi-/multi-racial. This, of course, gives us a slight "advantage" over your situation though the kids are part Hispanic which means we're supposed to raise them with "that culture" if you take that sort of thing seriously.

Here in Colorado adoptive parents are required to take parenting training classes. Doesn't matter if you have kids of your own. In fact, one adoptive mom came to the state with FIVE adopted kids from the US, Africa, Vietnam etc in addition to her two bio kids and she still had to take the parent training! She's now the main instructor for the agency! :-) If you adoption transculturally or interracially then you also have to complete a segment on interracial child development.

Agreed, the chlid won't know nor care about the differences in your skin color nor that of her friends. Our son is almost 3 and only one kid in his play group seems to have an issue with his skin color. I won't say that this kid's dad is a card carrying member of the Klan but it's plenty obvious that none of them have had any interaction with people of color. I think you should steel yourself for "the look" that you'll get from people if you're out and about or worse, the "help" you may get from those who mean well.

The instructor mom I mentioned said that she had to learn how to "do" black hair because of her two daughters from Liberia. Problem is she can't use the same products in her Vietnamese daughter's hair or it will come out like a pizza!

We live in an area that has little diversity. Sure there are a few people of color in town but none to speak of in our development. Many times I've been the only black person on the street, in a class or wherever and it never really bothered me. But if you have active mommy groups, then that's a good way to make new friends. At this stage, I wouldn't worry about trying to have role models in place. If you really want "exposure" you could try attending a predominatly black church. My parents' church in California isn't a "black church" per se since there are plenty of white, Asian and just a few Hispanic members, but they welcome anyone and everyone.

Besides, I think it's more important to have role models who are high quality individuals of ANY color rather than just role models who happen to be X race or Y gender.

Hi T., I am not too sure if the book you are reading is all that accurate. I personally was adopted by a caucasian family and I am AA. There was really no one in my immediate family or extended for that matter (maybe one) that was of another race other than white. I had a very very supportive family and great friends. Most of my life (until college) I was the ONLY black person in my schools. Although sometimes it was weird because of ignorant people it was just a part of life. I do not feel like I missed out on anything because I didn't have a "black" role model in my life. Honestly it's pretty ridiculous if you ask me (the book, not you). All that matters is that you have good role models no matter what color they happen to be. I have some awesome parents and family that never made me feel less loved or different and that's all that matters. Now, if you adopt from another country, say Ethiopia (a lot of my friends are in the process or have this) then it has been important for them to teach the child where they came from and learn to love that culture. But if you are adopting domestically, then there is no need to introduce them to the "black" culture because your culture becomes their culture. Sorry if it makes no sense. Feel free to ask me more questions. I know a lot about adoption and would love to dialogue more about it. ALso I must say that I do agree with most of the responses but I really disagree with just about everything that Monage has to say. Seriously. No one should question you about why you feel led to adopt a baby as oppose to others, and/or why black people don't adopt a white baby. I would in a heartbeat if I had the resources and was married. LIke I said earlier. Just about 99 percent of my life has been with me being the only black person in my school/church/neighborhood. But I was secure in myself, involved in sports activities, had the best supportive family and the best friends. Yes, my mother had me looking a mess sometimes, but I know she tried and learned as she went along. It wasn't until I went to college that I was able to form relationships with so many other types of races/cultures. What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't have to go out and find people to be a part of your families life just because they are the same race as your child. You, your husband, your children are enough. You can educate your child as to where they came from and about their history but believe me, a little self-confidenc goes along way! Seriously, contact me and I will put you in contact with a bunch of families (blogs) of friends who are white and adopted black babies/children. They can give you some helpful advise! I think what you are doing is awesome!

First let me say that I am African-American with a biracial ( 1/2 polish) daughter. This issue really touches my heart for 2 of easons.
1. I grew up with quite a few families (In Boulder, Co.) who where white with adopted black or multiethnic kids and saw their struggles trying to create a healthy self identity.
2. I was black in a prodominantly white community and I stuggles to find a healthy self identity eventhough my parents were black.
It makes me sad when I see a black child with a white couple and the kids hair is a mess and their skin looks like sand paper! It's not becasue their parents don't love them, they just don't understand how to take care of a black childs hair and skin. It is their responsibility to know this before they adopt. Ignorance is absolutely no excuse, it's neglect. I am not saying by any means that you will be one of those parents, but it is something to be cognicent of.
My question is why African-American? What attracts you to that race as apposed to others? Just curious.
It is not only necessary to expose an African-American child to other African-American's, but to emmerse them. How would you feel if you lived in a little town in the middle of Africa? You have one TV, and you see other people who look like you (you may have seen some others on occasion. but don't have any relationships) but your family never acknowledges that you are different. That sends a message that it is bad, not that it doesn't matter, because it will matter to you. They only wash your hair once every 2-3 weeks, so your hair is greasy all of the time, but they don't seem to notice that anything is wrong, because that is what they do with their kids.
People will tell you that color doesn't matter. It does, and not because we, people of color, want it to. It's because other people make it an issue. It's because when I go to by a bra and the color is "nude" it looks white next to my skin, so it's obviously not my nude. When I want to find a black "nude" bra I have to specify that I want brown, not light tan or ivory, and I'll probably have to shop around to find one. It's because I'v had neighborhood watch called on me when I was walking to school and I looked "suspicious". It's becasue I remember not being able to do hair at sleep overs becasue they didn't have the right products. It's because diversity is beautiful, so why ignore it?

You will need to find black families to conntect with. You will need to find other white families with black children to connect with. YOu will need to find black events, and shows, and art to expose your children too. You'll need to find a ways to explain that the MTV music video girl is not what a black woman should be like, and expose them to other black women who can combat those images. You'll have to learn to care for their hair and skin. You'll have to find the words when he/she is called a nigger for the first time. You'll have to find posotive outlets for any frustration, isolation, or anger they may be feeling because they live in a state where there are only a hanful of black people, and they see the looks when they are out and about. You'll have to help them understand that being "ghetto" is not what being black is about. You will have to prepare them for any mean spirited black and white children that may make fun of them because his/her parents are white. The burden is on you to do all of these things before you adopt, not after.
Racism is not gone. It is just more covert. Me and my husband get stares all the time (from black and white people alike) when we even hold hands in public. We get even more looks now that we have a child. You'll have to prepare them for institutionalized racism, and blatent racism, and self oppression.
I could go on forever about why there are a ton of things that you have to do to raise a black person with good self image, and create role models that they don't have to look to MTV for. It's possible. It's difficult. Love alone is not enough because the world can be cruel.
Here is a question to ask yourself, why don't you ever see black families adopting white children?
Did you know that eating disorders are much more prevelant in the white community? Do you know why? It's because black girls have their mothers and grandmothers to show them what a women's body should look like, and the black women on tv are more often than not heavy set too. Obesity is rampant in the black community, but the girls don't feel like they need to starve themselves to look good.
If your family is committed to all of this, and more. Go for it! Do your homework, make connections beore you adopt and be a wonderful parent. Don't be suprised if they grow up and move to North Carolina or Atlana, though. One of the black girls I grew up with graduated early an moved to Raleigh, because she just wanted to know what it felt like to be in the majority for once in her life. She never left, and rarely comes home.
I challenge you to conduct a family experiment, and examine your own deep seeded issues and family dynamics before bringing a black child into the situation. Take a trip somewhere fun, but somewhere where you and your family will be one of VERY few white people for miles. Emerse yourself in a sea of chocolate chips and see what it feels like to be a true minority for a while, so that you can better understand what it will feel like for your child. If it feels uncomfortable or awkward, examine why you feel that way. If it is too much to handle, or you feel like you need to leave. Don't adopt a black kid, because you will then be illaquiped to deal with the things that may come up for your kid, and will be doing them a disservice.
In a fit of anger I blogged about this very topic. If you want to read it, here you go.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&Myt...#

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll...

If you are interested I have some good reading suggestions for you! Let me know!

PS Thanks for asking!

PSS To actually answer your questions: You'll have to do a lot of footwork to find good role models. I would start with some of the adoptive support groups. Craigs List, Meetup, and Hip multicultural moms too! What about big brother big sister? Could you request and African-AMerican big sibling?

~*Manige*~

visit
http://forums.adoption.com
to find other people in your situation, I've gotten a lot of my questions about adoption answered there

Hi T.,
My husband and I adopted our little boy 14 months ago. He is african american and we are not. At this age that is not a factor for him but when he gets older it most likely will be. We are involved in a local adoption group called FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) it is connected to LDS Family Services. There are couples in this group that have bi-racial families and we are grateful for that because our little boy can go to play groups with them and be around other families that are like ours. I would look into FSA groups or any adoption groups in your area. Get your child involved in adoption playgroups and stay involved with others who have adopted your child will appreciate having that to be around and also appreciate the chance to talk to other adopted children when he/she gets older. We have an amazing family and my mom has purchased african american dolls for the grandkids to play with and I have purchased books for them to play with so that they can be understanding to our little boys race. All the grandkids at my moms want to play with the doll that look likes Rieker (our little boy) and the all call their dolls at home Rieker. Good luck in you adoption journey, adoption is the most amazing miracle and I feel so blessed to be involved in adoption. Let me know if I can help or if you have any questions. As long as you love your little one and let him/her know how much he/she is loved and how special he/she is I know that you will be able to help your child through any challenges he/she might face. Good luck!