My Daughter Told Me She Hates Me and Wants to Move Out to Grandma's!

Does she have any sort of abandonment issues? My niece has some and she would do the same exact same thing with me and my parents. She would throw the worst fits ever when they had to leave. If it is abandonment then I would defiantly get her into to a councilor. My sister just now has and it already has been a world of change.

Seek a professional to help your daughter if this continues.

For now, limit her visits w/ grandma to shorter ones (have your mom come over instead of taking her there). Give her your undivided attention as much as you can. If grandma is doing something besides the typical "no rules and lots of treats" that grandmas tend to do, maybe you could mimic some of that at your house.

Things to consider...what does grandma do when this kind of thing happens, does she calmly tell her that she has to go home or does she perpetuate the drama? I don't know your situation but is there a sibling or other relative that chould be hurting or stressing your daughter out at home? Is she over tired/over stimulated when this happens? My daughter would have a great time when my cousin and aunt watched her but would act up horribly when they left...she was overtired and had been stimulated ALL day (no down time).

Good luck.

haha! I would tell my daughters that I would help them pack-hehehe! No seriously my girls are very very close to my mom but not like you describe. Do you think there is a reason why she clings to her so much? It almost sounds like she is "afraid" of something. She feels comfortable with Grandma and at Grandma's. Mine do to....but eventually they get to missing mommy and want to come back home. I lived with my parents for awhile and took some time for an adjustment period for my kids but they still love going over to "nana and paw-paws"
I sort of laughed at the professional counseling but then realized it was on a serious note -do you really think it needs that much help? I mean I thought it to be sort of normal for my kids especially there for awhile after we moved back out of my parents home....but you never mentioned you living there at one time do I don't know maybe you should take her to counseling then.....maybe limit the visits to shorter time periods and explaining to her BEFORE you go over there she isn't staying. That way you can prepare her for that. I have a problem with my twin girls when I tell them its time to go home no matter who's house we are at they throw themselves down and cry and whine and carry on like babies and they are almost 8! Yeah 8! It happens every single time too but once in the car headed down the road they are fine. I think its the initial we are having "fun" mode and kids don't like being pulled away from their "fun". Good luck I know how frustrating that must be as a mom and as your own mother's daughter ;()(

It is entirely possible that grandma listens to her and gives her warmth and support while she's there. By yelling at them both in such an aggressive manner, you have further strengthened the attachment and "us vs. you" feeling. I would like to think that you calmly explained the "our home" concepts, but it sounds like you may have yelled that too. Why is she spending so much time with grandma? Is grandma taking care of her while you are working? In which case, grandma isn't just for visiting- she's a caregiver.

You need to make an appointment with a therapist, but for both of you. There is notable strain in your relationship and she is finding the support and comfort she needs in grandma b/c she's probably not finding it in you right now. In fact, it sounds as though you have expectations of complete compliance to "your rules", but do they know what those are? Are they realistic considering the circumstances.

There must be a stressor here...new job, divorce, recent move? Something that is bringing out such significant behaviors in a child. Suggestion from a child psychologist... stop yelling and start watching and listening. Your daughter is too young to verbalize what is upsetting her and punishing her for expressing emotion isn't going to help her communicate with you.

Hmmm....my daughter who is 5 has actually said the same thing to me in anger. But I don't feel my daughter needs help. She was tired/mad/angry because I wouldn't let her do something her way. I think this is more than likely the case with your daughter. If she is acting up in school, its time you put consequences in place. Maybe, not going to Grandma's is the answer. I also think spending a little more one on one time with her couldn't hurt either.

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You don't mention your mother's response to your daughter's tantrums. My grandmother no matter how much she loved me and I loved her would ever allow me to speak that way to my mother. Does your mother know your daughter is going through this disruptive and disrespectful period at home and at school? How does she interact with your daughter? Part of the reason why I never would speak to my mother that way and I was my grandmother's obvious favorite was because she wouldn't tolerate it. My grandmother had six grandchildren and I was the oldest girl. She didn't shy away from disciplining or loving up on any of us. I suspect we all felt like we were her favorites.

Get grandma to help and get little one some counseiling or if she continues to behave this way let her know she will not be permitted to spend time at grandma's until she can learn how to respect you. Tell her you know she loves spending time with her grandmother but that doesn't give her permission to misbehave.

My daughter told me that she thought in her head that she hated mommy. It broke my heart.

I asked her if she really knew what it meant when she said that and she said no. I explained what it meant when you say I HATE YOU. She got really upset and said she didn't feel that way.

I know it seems you have some other issues as well that you need to work on with your daughter and grandma too, she needs to play a part in what is going on, but also you might ask your daughter what she meant when she said hate, she might not understand the word in the way we do. Heaven knows kids/cartoons/adults/etc use that word like its hello.

If this starts up over visiting Grandma, it might be time to take a break from Grandma for awhile.

My friend's daughter asked to live with me. She even promised to take out the trash if I let her, lol. She loved her mommy. I think may be a case of the "grass is greener" and kids that age don't really understand. That said, I do wonder about the fact that she's not happy when she's home with you. Is there anyone else in your home that might be causing her anxiety? And you mentioned your mom needs to obey your rules which makes me wonder what your mom's role is in all of this? If you believe your mom is doing something that fosters this behavior then maybe it is necessary to take a small break?

I know it's easier said than done but by all means don't feed the fire by over reacting...

Seems to me a lot of the time children tend to get away with much more when their with Grandma, so their environment tends to be more conducive to what they want and when they want it. I would be interested to know how grandma responded during the tantrum. Sounds like you're a single mom like myself and you probably don't have much free time on your hands but if you can find time on breaks at work or perhaps your lunch time, or after you put your daughter to bed I would highly recommend reading the book "Boundaries." Re-establishing or establishing boundaries that perhaps your mother has over-stepped will be tremendously empowering and enable you to take back the control you need to handle the situation in a healthy manner. You can find this book at Mardale's or perhaps your local book store and most definitely online. It is worthwhile... I promise. It will apply to all aspects of your life.

Good luck and God Bless you, your daughter and your mom.

I know it hurts but tell her you love her enough for both of you.
Unless your mom is undermining you in some way, it's not her fault.
Find a counselor for her anxiety. Ask your ped for a referral.

First, my children would not be allowed back to grandma's house until I figured out why this was happening. Grandma would be welcome to come to my house and spend time, but Grandma has to be the one to leave, while child is screaming and crying about her not wanting to go. I would not accept always being the "bad guy."

Also, I would want to know more about what happens at Grandma's. Somethng about the attention, the environment, the activities -- something is happening there that she really likes.

The chewing sounds like it may be a sensory issue, so I would go to an Occupational therapyst before going to a psych. The OT info would be helpful to the psych.

Regarding the hitting -- what is happening before she strikes the other child. Is she being teased, picked on? There are reasons for these things.

Also, if she is chewing of a reasons, and the teacher is scolding her infront of everyone, then the other children learn that picking on her for chewing is acceptable because that is what the teacher is doing -- basically.

My daughters' Pre-K has a child with a chewing issue (I am not sure which one, they did such a nice job handling it.). Because of this child, all the children were given a "chew necklace" that they made and washed as part of the regular day time routine. Anyone could wear their necklace and chew on it whenever they wanted. It was great, because chewing is helpful to calm kids down, regardless of their issue.

Another thing to consider, is that there is nothing wrong with your child, she is just in such a stressful place right now she isn't able to cope and behave as you would like. Maybe she isn't ready for school, or maybe this isnt the right school environment for her. My daughter had terrible problems in school in first grade. They had us completely convinced that our daughter has some real serious problems, finally we switched her schools. The next three years were a dream! When I asked her second and third grade teachers if they saw any of the problems the other school had mentioned, they looked at me like I was crazy. Alos, the problems we noticed at home went away because our daughter was just generally happier being in a school, where people liked her, for who she is.

Makes sense when you think about it. Most important love her for who she is, and help her. Something not right is happening and she is 4, she cannot tell you, you have to go find out! Good luck detective Mom. :-)

I am not sure about anxiety. Sounds like power to me. I am sure at Grandma's she gets more of what she wants. To be expected and it's not bad for a child to have a place where the feel like they are great. Grandparents don't have to do the ugly disciplining/parenting. The parents do. She is hoping to get her way with you by acting this way or getting a big reaction from you. So no children live with their parents, not Grandma. If she keeps crying she can cry in her bedroom all by herself. My daughter used to cry for two hours wailing "I want my real mother. My real mother won't be this mean to me". I am her real/birth mother. So go figure. Stand your ground. Your doing well!

It hurts when comments are said like that. Don't give her so much power. It is simply not up to her that is why you are the parent and she is the child.

I would stay calm. Then say I am sorry you feel like that. I loves all your days and nights. Tell her to go up to her bedroom until she is able to talk to you in a respectful way.
I would take away her special things to do. Also use positive encouragment when she does something great..tell her your proud of her.
No one ever said being a mom was easy.

Sandy:

I am sorry you are going through this.

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom. It sounds to me if your mom is encouraging this behavior - especially if your daughter was clinging to her like glue - you didn't state whether your mom was trying to help get her in the car or not.

It's GREAT that your mom plays such an active role in your daughters life. I envy that. I didn't get to know my mom's parents before they died. I was VERY fortunate to have my dad's mom and step mom in my life - but I didn't see them but once a year if even.

I can say that your daughter is trying to get her way with you by acting out. If you cave, she's won. Your mom needs to be on YOUR side. She needs to tell your daughter that she can come VISIT but she cannot live with her. You can go one step further by asking your mom to step up about your daughter's behavior - if she cannot behave in school - then she cannot come visit. PERIOD. This can be your rule too. Actions - whether good or bad - have consequences. If she cannot behave in school, she cannot have a play date with Gramma. She can yell, she can scream - but she can do it in HER room. UNTIL she can speak to you respectfully, she can scream in her room.

Get your mom on-board as of right now - i see your mom as part of the problem.