Clingy 4 Year Old - Santa Clara,CA

It's the second half of your post that you got it...she WILL grow out of it! Give it time. My six year old still has moments where she clings to me. I let her, hug her and then find something that interests her to unglue her. The part that does bother me about your post is her wanting to disturb your 9 year old's sleep. I would insist that if she has to wake anyone let it be you and your husband. I would also suggest that you sit quietly and ask her what she is afraid of, give her a night light, have dad put a force field around her (I have made this suggestion to several people). It will pass before you know it.

Hello Krysia,
I have to say I feel for your 9 year old daughter. She shouldn't have the responsibility of making sure her younger sister gets to sleep, etc. Does your 4 year old have a blanket or stuffed animal that will help her sleep? Sleep is one of those things that I think we need to train our kids sooner or later. It's one of the few things that can continue into adult life. I know a few adults who have a hard time putting themselves to sleep or depend on blankets, etc. So it is really a life skill to teach a child to put themselves to sleep.
Anyhow, the clingy part really struck me. I recently started taking a parenting/book study class. We are reading and learning from the "Positive Discipline" book (can't remember the author. We were talking about my daughter and how she became clingy when I lost my job and I started being home again full time. The routine we had had for most of her live changed and mommy was home all the time. Our teacher was telling us that her daughter was the same way. The teacher worked from home and couldn't get anything done. Then, while reading "Positive Discipline" the author discuses the idea of "special time". She suggested putting aside 10 minutes a day (the same time each day if possible) and let your child chose the activity. It's 10 minutes, every day at the same time that's all about them. Our teacher said after she started doing that she could work for about an hour and a half with no interruptions. We plan to start doing that in our house, 10 minutes with me and 10 with my husband every day.
Best of luck,
C.

Hi Krysia,
Interesting responses... I just wanted to add that our son, who is normally a pretty sensitive little snuggler ( I don't consider him clingy) went through a stage like this recently. He is also 4. We did have some changes and I am sure that was the reason for his sleep problems and need to be close to me. With patience and comforting the problems resolved finally, but it took a while.

I think 4 is a hard age. Kids start to realize that things can happen to you and things can happen to them when you are not together. I think separations anxiety at at 4-5 is very common, and not always a "behavior." Since this was a sudden problem I suspect there has been a change that, you either don't know about, or are missing.

We tried several different sleep situations and I would be happy to share if you want to e-mail me. We are not a co-sleeping family, but I am not anti-co-sleeping either. I think it works really well for some families.

Good luck I hope the problem continues to be resolved for you!!

J.

By four years old it isn't really a temper trantrum anymore but being in a rage for not getting her way. She should not get any attention at all for this very negative behavior. Praise her when she behaves well and ignore this behavior. Put her in a safe room and say, "You can kick and scream here in this room but I am not going to watch you behave this way. When you are done, we will talk, and then leave the room. I use my back porch which is a nice room.
The kids can sit on the time out bench and think or behave this way and as soon as they are done we will talk. I have had two 4 year olds that raged and it was not pleasant at home or here. It sounds like your daughter doesn't take no for an answer. Your husband and you are the parents and can not let her manipulate you two. You have to have rules and that is it. She has a bed, your other daughter has a bed and you two have a bed. Case closed. By giving in to her you only make it worse and last longer. She is 4 years old and understand what is going on and what she is doing.
You have to be firm, use a firm voice. Your yes is yes and your no is no and stick to your answers. Do not give in.
NEVER! Give her lots of affection, lots of attention and make sure you give your other daughter lots of affection and attention too. Your daughter may have learned if she rages you will give in like where she sleeps. She has learned this works on you. Stick with it. Tell her you are the Mommy and Daddy and she is the child and you know what is best for her. You are the boss and she is not. Let her make decisions in her life of course but not where she sleeps and this behavior is not going to be tolerated any longer. Litle by little she will rage less and then say, "I am ready to talk now." Then talk and hug and off to the rest of the day. Don't give in and don't give up please! Also a child care enviroment with less children may beter suit her. A better ratio of adults to children so they get more one to one attention. We care for children from the time they are babies until they start school so we are their family too. And we care for thier brothers and sisters too.
F.

Hi. If you are a full time working mom, then you are missing most of your little girl's day. By the time dinner is on the table, laundry in the machine, homework for the older child, etc, what is left energy and attention wise for the 4 year old. Not much. Is she in preschool or daycare? It's a myth that children are ready for that type of socialization at a young age. As a species more and more studies show that we need one on one time with the adults in our life. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just speaking from experience of working in a preschool for seven years and the mother of two girls. I think that quality time is fine, but quantity is what children crave when they are little and your girl is definitely exhibiting that need in a very obvious way. She needs your attention, not things. A great way to do this is to wet aside to read to her every day. It's great one on one cuddle time. You could even show it to her on the clock. It's hard to split your time between two, however, you care enough because you wrote about it. Good luck. Even now with girls ages 14 and 11 I am exhausted by what becomes girl drama, however, I feel lucky to be able to help them with it and support them in their lives. It takes alot of energy, however, it is SOOOO worth it when you see the girls who don't get enough parental attention and it is very obvious by middle school. They end up trying to hard to get attention from anyone and end up in early sexual relationships. Therefore, by putting the extra effort now, you are really providing the building blocks of self esteem for your child by showing her that she matters.

Helllo Krysia: Unfortunetly this is the natural consequence of your 1st choice.
With 4 birth children that all slept with us and a 5th child that we adopted as a teen who didn't, we learned that we had to make a compromise. Because it does get worse in a good way-- when our teens came home from dates they always came in ( they knew we were up til they got in- no matter the time), and some times they'd have a friend with them and talk about the guy they dated. So as my adult children now say-- mom learned when we were young to sleep with clothes on!--
This is what we did- for our own sleep needs. I kept a pile of quilts and blankets in a cornor- and taught them to build a nest and sleep like big bird. They did this at nap time, as well. It made agreat differance as our older ones didn't like to be disturbed when sleeping.
Like I said it's just natural consequence, but unless you are prepared for a puppy or cat to sleep with the child so they hear a breathing sound and feel the warmth, or have a TV on all night for noise of people talking, you might try this.
Good Luck, with the great adventure of parenthood, NanaG

You didn't mention what the arrangements are for her care while you are at work. Have you talked with her childcare provider to find out if there might be something that's happened there to cause her to feel less secure? You say nothing has changed at home, but there may have been even one tiny incident at home or somewhere else that has started some of this.
On the other hand, this could just be a four year old 'stage' she's going through. Going from three to four may be a bigger issue for a child than we adults realize. It's a subtle passage from babyhood to childhood, and that may not be an easy transition for her.

I assume you've already done this, but if not do talk with her honestly about the situation. See if she can shed some light on what's bothering her. She may not be able to, either because she doesn't really understand it herself, or just because she isn't ready to articulate it to you. But you at least will have the chance to explain to her how much you want to help and how much you all need her help to get your rest at night, and feel free to go about your necessary tasks during the day without her clinging so much. Perhaps you can even negotiate some together times with her that will give her the assurance she needs and allow her to back off of the clingyness at other times.

I'm a firm believer in treating children like people. What I mean by this is I sometimes see adults separating the way they talk with children from the way they talk to other adults. It almost sounds more like the way people would talk to a pet than like talking to a person. If you see that you might be doing this type of talking with your daughter, try to change that pattern. No 'baby' talk, and do expect her to be able to understand (because she really can). Listen carefully to what she has to say too. Give her small responsibilities and expect her to be able to do them... teach her how. For example, our two year old grandson went to the drawer in the kitchen yesterday and got out four small zip-lock bags for me to sort treats into for the children. This may not seem like much, but he felt good that he was able to do something for me. He also likes to get his own diaper from the drawer when he needs to be changed. (I know, it seems that if he can do that, he should be able to go potty and not need changing, but that comes with time too.)
Now, let me hasten to say that I'm not assuming you don't already treat your daughter just as I've suggested. I only bring it up because I have observed parents who don't, and since I don't know all of the dynamics of your parenting, I wanted to cover the bases.
I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Dear Krysia,

I must be honest and say I am very anti-co-sleeping. I feel it is bad for intimacy between husband and wife, and as you are experiencing first hand, it can result in an insecure and clingy child. Having said that I realize this is a very personal choice and each family should decide what works best for them.

Giving in to your four year old to avoid a tantrum is also unfair to your older daughter. Being forced to sleep in a small bed with her younger sister, must be a little uncomfortable. If your four year old is a kicker or restless sleeper, this too will prevent your older girl from getting the rest she needs.

At age four, she is old enough to understand what she is asked to do. A good solution would be for your children to have their own rooms. If this is not possible, I suggest getting a divider screen and let each girl do a little decorating of their choice on their respective sides. Maybe a set of new sheets or comforter.

Make a privacy rule that they may not go over to their sister’s side unless they are invited.

Let your four year old know if she makes a fuss about sleeping in her own bed on her own side, she will have to start going to bed a hour earlier then her sister.

I remember as a child not wanting my mother to go anywhere without me, especially at night. I wasn’t a tantrum thrower, but I would go find a place and cry in my pillow. I know it made my mom feel bad for leaving me. I did not have my father in the home, in fact I never knew him, so in my case, it was definitely insecurity and perhaps the feeling of abandonment.

The next time you and your husband plan to go out. Get a calendar out and explain to her in advance that, “Mommy and Daddy are going on a date to spend time alone together”. Plan a special treat for your girls, and rent a movie or plan an activity they can do with the sitter.

Show her on the clock when you plan to return home. (She will probably already be asleep, but I think it helps a child feel secure if they have a few details.

Before she throws her next fit, talk with her about her behavior. Let her know you love cuddling with her and telling her stories, etc., but you can’t hold her all the time because she’s getting to be such a “big girl” and sometimes you have things to do around the house or need time to yourself.

I would also let her know that when/if she continues to throw a fit, she will be put on time out and loose some privileges. Whether she likes it or not, her father should get involved with discipline when she is acting out. Sometimes a man’s voice and strength have a better impact on a child.

Blessings…..