My Dad

A week ago my father had a heart attack too. They cooled his body temperature down for two days before they raised it slowly and eventually unsedated him. The next day as I sat with him, he said he was very tired. I told him to sleep and he said he was afraid of dying and wanted to live for many more years.

It occurred to me that he was afraid that if he slept, he would not wake up. I told my mother, who told the nurse our conversation. The nurse tried to share with my dad that he was hooked up to all these machines and if anything happened they would know about it immediately.

It has been interesting to watch my other family members during this crisis. My sister basically has not left his bedside. My mother and brother are there every day but are trying to give him some room to sleep and for the doctors to work. I live an hour away and I have three children. I am there when my older two are at school but must return to my town when school is over.
Additionally, like you, I realize that this is going to be a long term recovery, maybe not physically but certainly mentally (my dad and mom were at a restaurant when it happened; he told my mom he never wants to eat at any restaurants ever again).

Are you the only one in the picture for him? If not, I think it will be important to spread out the 'help'. If so, I think it will be a struggle to have it not take over your life. It sounds like you are using the resources that the hospital has access to and that is important. My family is very resistent to speaking with the patient coodinator or social worker and anyone else for that matter. I personally think this is ashame. These resources are there to help.

I wish the best to you and your dad. Good luck.

I have, it's not fun. Do what you have to do tho.... your heart will keep letting you know what that is. Once you've completed the necessaries it will be a lot easier and free you up. At first while you are prepping him for re-entry to home and setting up schedules and doc appts it can feel horrifically strangling.... just remember that it is temporary and you are setting it all up for him so that you can be free again. Remember "what comes around goes around" and some day you will be old and in need too... you are setting an example and a bar for your own future.

My dad also has had quintuple bypass surgery after his first heart attack, yet I was only 12 at the time and he was in his 40's, so not quite the same boat as you.

IMO he really needs you right now. Can you take a week off of work to just be there for him and really help him get his home/meds/healthy foods all together for him? How old is your dad? If his relationship with these people he lives with is so strained, why does he stay there any longer? Sounds like he really needs more love and care and support than these people can give him. Not sure what finances are like, but do what you can to get your dad back on his feet. He's your dad. He won't take over your WHOLE life, but I bet he really needs you right now with his depression plus physical ailments. Hang in there. Just take one step at a time. Talk with your husband about what you will and won't do with/for him so that you two are on the same page. (That way you don't invite your dad tolive with you for a week and your husband goes ballistic b/c you two didn't discuss that ahead of time). Good luck. Hang in there.

It will take over your life for a while...but try and think of it as just a season in life and not forever.

My mother had bypass surgery, then year or so later a stroke, then years later a really bad fall with a limb amputation, eventually she passed. But each event looked so dismal and took up so much of my time and life. But looking back now...I am so glad I was there and involved for all of it.

Think of it as eating an elephant...you just take one bite at a time...figure out each step one at a time and as needed...try not to think too far in the future.

A skilled nursing facility is a great start...also look into alternative living maybe even just a month at a facility that once he is past nursing needs can just monitor his medicine and provide meals and social outlets (bingo, games, movies, trips to stores, etc). By then you will have had over a month to get his regular living situation cleaned up and ready for him.

I am sending you a great big HUG...it is so hard when we become the parents and our parents become the children who need care.

My mother had 3 open heart surgeries to replace her mitral valve. Depression is very common after surgery. Eventually, my mother took an anti-depressant but it seems that they didn't want to give it to her initially. You could ask about him taking one.

I suggest that you help your father find different living arrangements. The stress and unsanitary, dirty environment is not good for him. Perhaps he would qualify for an assisted living/retirement facility. There are also many good foster homes that might not be much different from the renting a room that he has now.

This did take over my life completely for a couple of months until my Mom got settled back at home. She had 2 surgeries just weeks apart. I took a month's leave from my job and my daughter's Dad moved in to my house to care for our daughter. I stayed with relatives near where my mother was hospitalized.

I'm glad that I did this. Not only did my parents need my support but I needed the time to mentally and emotionally adjust to the fact that they were not longer as healthy as they had been and would need continued support. At one point my mother was not expected to live which added to the burden.

Hospital Social Services was a big help. We also had an appointment with DHS about possible ways to utilize government services. My father arranged for someone to come to their home to evaluate it for what could be done to make it easier for my mother to be at home. They installed bars in the bathroom and discussed other safety issues such as not having throw rugs and connecting cords in pathways.

They were able to have in home assistance for awhile after she went home. They helped her with personal grooming as well as light housekeeping.

After the second surgery my mother was in skilled nursing for a month or more and I gradually resumed a normal life. My father regained some sense of security and they needed me less.

Based only on what you've written and my experience with my mother, I suggest that a foster home might be the direction in which to move. She was extremely fatigued forever after the surgeries. She had my Dad and a brother who lived in town to help her.

All I know is if it were my father he would be coming to live with us..but my father has always been there for me and same with my mother and i'm planning on taking care of whichever one is left after the other passes..i would in your case get him out of that house..into the nursing facility ..he should not go back to some gross place where people stress him out..you'll never forgive yourself if something happens to him.

good luck

xo

D.

WOW! YES! I feel your pain. My dad was in a very similar boat. He fell a few years ago and broke his back. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks then a nursing home for about 2 more. During that time I threw virtually every piece of nastiness that inhabited his house. he took in some drug addicts a several years before that TRASHED his place. I had just had a new baby and was NOT going to lket her crawl around the pigsty which was his house. I repainted the whole inside, remolded a bathroom, and got new carpet throughout the house and new sofas for the front room. The house was DISGUSTING. When he came home he was a bit mad but then realized how nice it was after that his grand daughter could come over anytime and play and crawl around. I threw away a whole lot which I heard about for the 2 remaining years he was with us but by the house being clean I was able to bring my daughter over daily and spend time with Grandpa. I got him on some antidepressents that helped, even though he would never agree he was depressed. It is very hard to deal with a parent like this. Stay strong. You have to become the parent now. My dad has since past months agoa nd I miss him like crazy. I know he is in a better place.

Do you think your dad might be suicidal? Giving away one's possessions can be an indicator of someone who is planning to commit suicide. You might want to raise this concern with his doctors.

The social services people at the hospital may also have some good suggestions for alternatives to going back to the house he was living in, which sounds less than ideal even if you do manage to get it cleaned up. Also, check in with the department of health. I know that some states have state-funded programs through their departments of health to help keep elderly people independent for as long as possible.

It's tough to have aging parents. The past 2 years have been rough for our family with my mom having lung cancer and going through chemo and radiation, followed by a massive brain hemorrhage caused by a very bad fall that was caused by inner ear damage from the radiation. She wasn't expected to survive the brain injury, and if she did, was expected to need 24/7 living assistance, which her insurance was not going to cover. The social services people at the hospital were very helpful in connecting us with services to help her recovery and potential long-term needs. She ended up making a complete recovery from the brain injury (some short-term memory issues, still, but she is now able to drive and lives alone). Having been unemployed at the time all this was happening, I ended up having to uproot my life and move in with my mom while she went through the cancer treatments and recovered from the brain injury. It was a difficult time.

Your dad should seriously look into taking some supplements to help with all of this. Magnesium and Co-Q10 are big ones along with high doses of Vitamin D3. Vitamin C, Vitamin E with Selenium, Vitamin Bs especially B12 as well. He had surgery, was already under stress with the body so the free radical damage going on inside needs help to reverse it.

I don't have a lot of experience like you're going through, but my grandfather went through something similar to your dad in terms of the heart attack, quintuple bypass and dealing with depression. One thing I really wish had been addressed for him was the depression. In his case, it factored into his never coming home again because, even though he was physically strong enough, mentally he wasn't up to the challenge.

I think having a support system that includes therapy or counseling for your dad and for you could be very beneficial. I'm fairly certain we will end up caring for my mom when she needs extra help, and that is already part of my plan. I've seen how people can react to and be impacted by a dramatic shift in an important relationship.

Best wishes to you.