Help!!!! Abusive Father Living with Us

First of all you are an angel for putting up with this. Second you need to stop being an angel and move him to elderly housing or assisted living. You are not required to care for him and you are not responsible for the fact that he has estranged everyone in his life.You need to put yourself and your family first. Tell him that he's worn out his welcome and he needs to move on. If your extended family doesn't support this decision then tough luck. Get him out now because he'll continue to be abusive.

From your post "He wants me to drop him off to the state where he is from and just let him be but he needs help he can't do it alone."

Take him to whatever state he wants to go to and drop him off, just as he asked. He's an adult and it's not your job to tell him what he can or can't handle.

You don't want him in your house and he doesn't want to be there. Once you drop him off, he can figure out his life for himself.

Kick him out. I get he is your father but it is okay to cut toxic people out of your life. He may not want a nursing home but that is really not your problem. Do not expose your son to his behavior.

Taking him to the state he wants to live in is a good plan. As Diane B suggested, he can get services there. Call Senior Services there and ask how to get him involved with him. If your Dad is intellectually unable to navigate the social welfare system, you get it started.

What is his plan regarding moving? If it's reason able help him move. Helping him move is taking care of him. You are also taking care of yourself and your family.

Reasonable plan involves having a place to live and having enough food. He can get food stamps. He can get help finding a place to live. First step is making an appointment with state aid Human resources. They have an office that deals with adults. My brother receives assistance through the State Office. They have offices through out the state.

Why do you think he cannot live on his own? Sounds like it's because of 2 heart surgeries. Heart surgery does not automatically mean you can't take care of yourself. Most people after heart surgery do take care of themselves once they are released by the doctor. If he truly cannot do surgery self care he's probably eligble for SSI. Social Security because he's disabled. My brother is an alcoholic and gets SSI. The process takes months. It's worth applying.

Get help for yourself from a county office on aging. Get help for yourself at a domestic violence center.

Your father is NOT your responsibility. Helping him move out will help you feel less guilty.

It's tough - you can't just "dump" a "vulnerable adult" anywhere and take off (not that you would, but some posters seem to think this would be ok). I know that this is really difficult, but it sounds like at least he isn't doing it in front of your son (yet).

If he has a doctor here, meet with him first. Tell him what is going on. Ask him what his assessment of his general acuity is - can he be in assisted living or a nursing home or what? Next, generally an assessment has to be done by the county or the doctor (I don't know how he would pay for stuff, so it would depend). If he is able to be in assisted living, I would call one in the state he wants to live in and set it up (if he can pay for that). If not, then I would set it up in your state.

Keep in mind that Assisted Living and Nursing Homes CAN KICK OUT YOUR LOVED ONE for undesirable behaviors so be honest and be careful of the fall out later if he does this to staff at the new place. It is possible that he could end up back in your care.

Good luck!