Mother Treating Two Daughters and Grandchildren Differently

If you genuinely want to see more of your mother, you can tell her that you would like to get to know her better, and that you regret not being as close to her as your sister is...

But if this is not the case, then just FORGET about the envy!
It is only going to poison your heart.

Boy do I know how that feels. However, there is a bright side!! I think your mom thinks that you yourself can handle more than your sister can. No doubt you have shown her that many of times. On the other hand maybe your other sister is phoning her and complaining or whatever and she feels she needs her more. My sister had 2 children, she lived not far down the road from my mom later on. Prior to that she lived with my mom. Here I was like 15 miles away with 3kids and no help. Oh I'd get a phone call or mom would ask to have one of the kids overnight but thats where it ended.
I can't say that my mom was mean about it or anything its just something I noticed. Are you the one that is always there when mom calls? Does she rely on you for answers? If your answering yes, your mom adores' you and knows with all of her well being that you are in control. Don't feel hurt, feel proud of yourself and the fact that you can be independent. I lost my mother 6 yrs. ago and I know without a doubt that she loved my sister and all of her grandchildren. The same applied to my father whom I lost 10yrs. ago. You have every right to be upset and hurt but don't be. You are the apple of your mothers' eye.
Take care, hope to hear back from you

I completely get what you are saying and I would try to take this as a compliment rather then be hurt. You sound very much like me very self sufficient. Like your sister my brother is the one who my mother is always saving, and helping out. I think your mom knows you can handle things and you don't need her as much as your sister does. I am not one to ask for help either I would much rather do things myself. I also do not like to appear weak so sometimes we get what we ask for. If you continuously put up a strong front people will not reach out, if you do not ask people for help they will not reach out. Sometimes I say to myself I just want someone to take care of me!!!! I don't think we give off that vibe and people are not mind readers. I had to learn that in my marriage as well. If you need help ask, if you want your mom around just ask, you might be surprised at her reaction and how happy she will be that you want her there. Good luck and don't feel hurt.

So you don't "really want to spend that much time with your mother?" Trust me, she knows it! You have no interest in her as a person, you just want what? Free babysitting for your kids? Gifts? What?

You feel no emotional connection to your mother. I'm betting your sister does. She sees your mother as a human being. You see her as "help." No wonder the poor woman feels more for your sister and, by extension, her children. And now she feels guilt because you are no doubt laying it on her thick. Wow.

Try to reach down in your heart and feel something genuine for your mother. Everything else will flow from that.

You shouldn't feel hurt. The two things you have going on here are that first, you mom is no longer working, and second, the ages of your children. Your sister's children are in that age group where they are absolute time-suckers and there is always something to be changed or washed or repaired or chased. It is also a time when grandma can easily step in and help with changing diapers and feeding the baby as well as wandering around with the toddler who is in the extreme explorer mode. Once the kids get to age 5 & 7, there is some independence and caregiving takes on a different routine. Your sister likely has the look of desparation that we all have when we are caring for newborns & toddlers concurrently! You also much realize that your mother is very likely in a different mode than when she was working - she likely has the ability, not just the desire, to give more of herself in terms of time.

Now for your role in the situation. You say on one hand you don't want to spend so much time with your mother. It's quite likely she perceives that and may be limiting her time because she doesn't want to impose, but as a mother, does want to be fair. If you do indeed want more time out of her, it needs to be because you want to be with her or you want her to be with your kids, not simply to make things equal. It's likely easy for her to step in with your sister, again, because of the age of her kids. If you want her to step in with your kids, find activities they can do together. Have her work with your 5-year-old on preparing for Kindergarten - spelling & writing his/her name and address & recognizing letters, for example. Have her work with your 7-year old on his/her school work or a favorite interest. My 6-year-old son loves playing board games and reading with my mom & it is a special thing that I'm sure he will always remember doing with her even though she lives a few hours away & their time together is way too short. So don't feel hurt and don't think of your mom's visits as a right, but rather view them as a luxury for your kids. Unfortunately, there will be a time all too quickly when memories of being with grandma will be just memories, so feed the relationships now! And you might just find yourself feeding your own relationship with your mother.

I think you've answered your own question here. You state that you don't really like to be around your mom that much, and that your mom and sister are closer. Also that your mom has made an effort to be around more since you've complained.

I think your mom is doing her best to give you the time and attention you and kids need, but also your space. Its easier to hang around people you have things in common with and get along with. If you want more time with her, then seek to reconcile your relationship so you really enjoy her company and then I think things will even out a lot!

Here's my experience. My mom and I are very close, but my older sister and mom have had a strained relationship. (possibly because she's more melancholy and has my dad's temperament and I have more of my mom's temperament). However over a year ago my sister was diagnosed with an aggressive ovarian cancer and underwent 3 major surgeries and a round of intensive chemo treatments. I went down to stay with her at my mom's and help out during the surgeries and the first 2 of 6 chemo treatments. I honestly thought it wouldn't work out for me to leave and have my sister and my mom getting on each other's nerves. Especially at such a critical time. However they worked through things and now are MUCH closer. Not like my mom and I, but my sister now enjoys going to visit them and talking on the phone, and asking my mom to come help her plant things in her yard etc... My sister is cancer free now and back to her normal life, but the relationship is now stronger with my mom, even though she isn't as needy.

I don't mean to point all the blame at you, I'm sure your mom has some work to do to make things right with you, but make a commitment to work things out with her and have a strong relationship!

Best wishes!

I would work on your own feelings before you give your mother a hard time. From what you've said, your mother was working when your kids were the ages your sister's are. It's reasonable to expect that she would have more time to help out now than she did then. Your mom seems to be making an effort to come over to your house more despite the fact that you admit you don't want to spend that much time with her. If what you need is a babysitter/housekeeper/errand runner, hire someone. It sounds to me like your mom is already doing more than I would want to do for someone who appreciated my efforts so little. Envy and bitterness are only hurting you and your children, not your mother or your sister.

So you are saying you have told your mother at least a little bit about how you feel and lately she has made it a point to see you and the kids more often? And that you don't want to "...spend that much time with my mother!". I guess I am not sure what to think because it sounds like both you and your mother have a fairly reasonable relationship. Maybe it would help to know specifically what help your mom gives to your sister that she is not giving to you? Like babysitting, financial support, knitting baby things...whatever.

I forgot to mention that my mom and I see and talk to each other more than my sister does. I think the reason is I have kids and she doesn't. However, she provides a ton of financial and other support to my brother and his 3 kids because their needs are so significant. I totally understand that we each get what we need from her. My MIL might be a bit different. I could go on about that at length but the best example I can give is she charged us to do daycare for our 1st (which I thought was totally appropriate) but never ever ever charged her daughter a dime for it and provided 5 years of daycare vs our 1. So I do understand parental inequality and you can definitely feel hurt but would expend just as much energy focusing on the great parts of your relationship.

To be honest here I am not sure what your complaint is. You have stated to your mom that you wish she spent more time with you/your kids. which she has done and now your upset that she is doing it? You need to stop trying to "keep up with the jones" if your kids are getting grandma time be happy about it. some grandma's couldn't care less about spending time with their grandkids. just my opinion here but if you continue to keep up the "you don't spend as much time with me as with her" thing your mom will stop trying.

You mentioned your mom was working when your children were little. Sounds like she was not working when your sister's kids were born so she was right from the start able to visit more. You also state that your sis and mom have always been closer, so perhaps your sister was quite accepting and appreciative of the help. Once you stated your feelings your mother is trying to do more with your kids and that's great!! Sounds like you and she are on the right road so I would be feeling quite good if I were you!

N. - My family is like this, my mom and my sister are closer always have been and over the years I have figured out why~ they are more alike. My mom feels my sister is closer distance wise too and she would do more with her and finally I asked my mom ....sort of just a question why do you go to her house more often, I would like to have you come over too. It came out that I am and always have been more private and independent and therefore she never felt I needed the help. I sort of felt proud of that. Here is what I have done, I call my mom every Sat at 8:30am my family and friends will tell you that is my time and I rarely miss my time and we get caught up. I try to make breakfast plans w/ my mom once a month with my mom and it can be me and the kids or just me. I always tell her she is welcome to come over. I feel better about it not that I know and don't feel hurt...and my kids love their grandma and I will always want to see her more but if I can't I feel I have filled in some of the gaps. If your mom is asking which day pick a day and commit to a time and make it 2 hours of complete fun for you and your kids and that will encourage your mom to come back and your kids to dig grandma day and time. Maybe you will move it to 2 days a week. You do need to be super accepting of her when she is over. Good luck but don't compete with your sister that is wasted time ~ just find your nitch.

i have dealt with the same thing. "hurt" is pretty much how i felt. i voiced my 'feelings' but then had to listen to the excuses as to why things have happened the way they have, although things never changed. so, if someone doesn't see the unfairness than it is not up to me to change one's behavior. i always say, it's their loss.

Hi N.,
You have just basically described my life. I have 2 children 10 and 7 and my youngest sister has a 3 year old. My parents watch my niece about 2 to 3 times a week. They even come home early from their place up North because my sister will need them to babysit. When I ask for help they always seem to be busy with other things. My parents hardly ever stop over to my house which, by the way, is right in the path of my sisters house. When they do stop, the visit is very short. One of the biggest reasons I believe, is that there is no smoking in my house. My mother is a smoker and she has to go into the garage to have a cigarette. I was raised with the best grandparents ever. I spent EVERY weekend at their house. They were the kind of people that would do anything for you. I just assumed that when I had kids that I would have the same for my kids. It was very disappointing and has taken me years to get used to. But I try to take comfort in knowing I have very good friends who will always help me out in a pinch. I have put a little distance from my family and me over the past few years. I figure if I stop expecting their help or support, then I won't get my feelings hurt. I try to remember that they are the ones who will be sorry in the end. At this point my kids don't really even care to be around their grandparents that much because there has never been that much interaction. I just keep telling myself that I will never be like that to my children or grandchildren. I very much want to be apart of their lives always.