Question About Love of a Grandmother

As a daughter and cousin to many boy-girl siblings, I can say that the reason your MIL acts like that is because she must feel that she has a say in your SIL’s life, as well as in her children’s life. Even if your SIL didn’t like her mother’s input, it is her mother and unless it’s something mayor, they’ll get over it and will always want to have her mother there. The caretaking of children is usually done by mom’s and they will use their own moms as guide and help, not their MIL.
On the other hand, most daughter’s in law do not want their MIL meddling and telling them how to raise their kids or giving her advice all the time, only their moms can do that! So that’s why most grandmothers are much closer to their daughter’s kids.
That being said, most grandmothers still love and pamper their son’s kids, but they’re usually not as close to them or pamper them as much as they do the daughters kids, but they definitely don’t mistreat the kids either in favor of the others.
It is a shame that your MIL is acting this way, because she will lose a lot of people in her life for that behavior.

M., I know exactly how you feel. We all live in Austin at the most 20 minutes away from each other.

My MIL NEVER attended anything our daughter ever did with her school, her ballet, her art.. anything.. The moment her daughters children were born she attended all sorts of events, parties.. etc..

This was not because I did not keep them all informed. I sent emails, made copies of the school calendars.. made sure they knew about performances. Nothing.

For years I had felt that my husband was also kind of ignored by his parents. he never noticed and said it was all in my head.

Finally, once his sister had a HUGE/ Expensive wedding (even though his mother told us we should really not have a big wedding, it was just a big waste of money), and then once her child was born MIL was at almost everyone of his events.. My husband began to realize and recall the disparity..

He and his mother went together to counseling. She told the Therapist that "mothers are always closer to their daughters children."

The Therapist told her, "No, that is not true, it is your choice if you treat them as if the daughters children one is the favorite."

He then said most parents/grandparents cannot control how they may feel, but they can make a choice as to how they handle it.

And so my husband then realized that is was his mothers choice. He realized where we stood in the family.

It had always hurt mey feelings they way they treated my husband, but it broke my heart and infuriated me how they ignored and made excuses for not giving our daughter the emotional support they gave their daughters children.

Our daughter is an amazing student, she is an award winning , published artist, she was a National Merit Scholar, has been awarded all sorts of recognitions for her Volunteerism and was a great rower.. They saw none of this.

They still to this day have not visited our daughter up at college. Our daughter will be graduating with honors in the Spring and she told us she can already tell they are starting to make noises like they may not be able to make it. They have the money, they are retired, they are in good health, they love to travel.. Hmmm, what will they use an excuse???

My daughter told me " I am over it". "They are just odd people."

I think they are heartless.

Well, M., your MIL is pretty silly. She is losing her families because they don't like being treated this way. Sounds like she will get to have only one grandchild, which seems to be what she wants anyway.

I'm sorry - I can't imagine this from our families.

If she is yelling at your kids, you should go home. If she is ignoring them, what's the point of bringing them over?

Dawn

Sometimes things aren't equal. Sometimes things are different. Are your SIL's children the youngest grandchildren? The last grandchildren? This could make them feel more sentimental about these little ones. Do they live closer to their grandparents and see them more often? Do they need the love of grandparents more for some reason?

I have the same situation. It is tough. I actually have TWO sister in-laws, so I experience it double-dose (my husband is the only son). I have always played second fiddle to the real daughters and their children. I was hoping when my son was born that my MIL would treat him the same as the other grandkids, but she doesn't.
I will say that so far, my son (he is 9) doesn't seem to notice very much, but that could be because I don't tell him that his grandmother goes to almost all of the other kid's events/activities and that they spend the night once or twice a month.
It really, really bothered me a few years back to the point that I did talk to my MIL. She didn't get it, though, and all it did was make things worse for a while.
Since then, I have decided that she and the situation are not going to change. So we limit the time we spend with them. I do my duties and go over for holidays and birthdays, but other than that, we have our own friends and activities that keep us busy. I don't want my son to not see his grandparents, so I will continue to make sure we see them. But, I have given up on the dream that my son will ever have a close, sweet relationship with them. It is what it is, and I can't change it, so I just have to accept it and work within it.
Just my two cents,
R.

I can say that favoritism of grandchildren in my husband's family has torn any type of grandma/grandachild relationship my two might have had with their grandmother.

My two were her official first grandchildren. One day while talking with my MIL she mentioned her 'first' grandchild and my niece. Well I lite into my hubby and had him talk with his mother about that. After all it is his child that was being slighted and he should be the one to correct it. Well it still didn't come off well with my daughter and she "washed" her hands of grandma. She won't even call or talk with her. My son has seen her a few times more be he too has washed his hands of her.

The favorite grandchild abused grandma. She talked her into moving out of her retirement community apartment to another state to care for her and her kids. Grandma had to use her money to pay to keep the lights on in the house and then stole money from her ATM card and would not press charges because "she is family". Well needless to say, she finally got fed up and moved to another state with another family friend for a few years. That came to an end when the mother of the friend retired and wanted to move home. So MIL had to move back to Kansas and wasn't quite ready when my BIL told us of a time range and I booked the flight for her to move.

Long story short she wishes she had never done what she has but it is too late. She made her bed and now she is living in it without any words from my kids. If they were to see their cousins in the street they would walk right past them because they don't even know who they are.

It is a sad situation but it is life all because one person favored a grand child. Of course that grandchlid left the state and returned to Kansas with her brood. She couldn't live with grandma because grandma didn't have enough space. Good thing.

All this to say that a family can be torn apart over this. So do what you have to to protect your children regardless of the age.

Have a good year.

The other S.

PS I speak with her on the phone but I really don't have much in common with her or her ways in life.

I have similar situations like this with my family. I always said I will brush it off until my children realize: The day that, that comes when they are let down or not treated equally then I'm throwing in the towel. If you want to see me and my family you can go out of your way type of attitude. It's one thing if you don't see the treatment vs. having Grandma treat one grandchild better than the other right in front of the other children. what does the daughter say? I'm sorry but if my mother would put me and my family on a pedistal vs. my other sibilings I'd be mad as all hell, and you can bet your hind end I'd be having some conversations with my mother to bring this to her attention and let her know the hurt it's putting on the other families

I had the same thoughts along the lines of what Laurie A. said. Your sad story reminds me of a similar question to the "Ann Landers" of our day.

Unfortunately, you can not make your MIL change her mind or attitude. I would ask, and insist, on getting a picture of my MIL and my kids to have around my house (hopefully with a smile on my MIL's face!). Just the picture could be a reminder that my children are still her grandchildren. She may not love all of the grandchildren the same but the love is there (I would emphasize this point with my kids).

I do hope things get better. Good luck!

This is sad to hear...I'm in a similar situation. I don't blame for the other family members to just say..forget it either and not come around. In my situation, we don't see my husband's mom and step-dad because of the similar situation you're in. It's definitely sad..and unfair to the children.

I'm with you....the grandchildren should be treated and loved the same. You guys are definitely not wrong for feeling or thinking that way. In my opinion, if you continue to bring your children in that type of environment...it hurts them. My two older boys (14 and 11) feel hurt and unwanted more..now. They noticed how different their grandparents were with the other kids/siblings at a young age, but as they got older...my boys have expressed that they don't want to be around if or when they come around. They would ask me all the time, "how come they don't like us"..or how come they only say hi to..so and so. I remember them sitting in a corner of the living room...feeling sad. I never want them to feel that way again. My husband agrees and he feels for them..so we just decided not to have them around anymore. His parents are aware that we're not going to have that type of behavior around our children..so we don't see each other.

It's impossible to treat all children the same. Are you saying that they ignore the other children when they're with them or that they are more sensitive to misbehavior of the other children?

Of course they're going to ignore your brother's children if he's not bringing them around. And, it is possible that your sister's child is better behaved.

It's also possible for them to feel more comfortable around their daughter than their daughter in laws or sons. It's just the way it is and is not a reflection on the DILs. Your sister may bring her kids around more often. She no doubt is upbeat in her relationship with them. The grandparents may feel that her babies need more attention. There are many reasons that are not personal to you and your children for them to pay more attention to one set of grandkids than to another.

I suggest that the more you criticize your mother-in-law the more she's going to withdraw. No one likes to be criticized. If you want them to spend more time with your children find fun ways for them to be together. Don't leave it up to them. And then praise them every chance you get for what they do do.

My daughter kept telling me that I paid more attention to my granddaughter than to my grandson. She was right. First, my granddaughter was the first grandchild and she is a girl. I'd always wanted a baby girl. But the more she told me I wasn't being fair the more I resisted spending time with him alone.

Then she suggested that my grandson stay overnight with me one night/week as my granddaughter was doing. In a couple of weeks, I fell in love spending time with him, too. My relationship with him is different. He has a father with whom he spends time which cuts into the time he has with me. It's good his father is involved. It just changes the needs he has to be met by me. His sister's father is not involved and she does spend more time with me. Not because I favor her, tho I admit I may, but because the nature of relationships are dependent on many factors.

Later. The grandparents make choices. You also are making choices to take offense to the way they are acting. You cannot change them but you can stop letting them create such angry feelings in you. Feel sad for your children and sad for what they're missing and make adjustments in your life so that it's not made unhappy by what they do.

I also suggest again that if you show them love and acceptance that they'll feel better about you and your children and treat you better. I'm not saying to do so is easy. But it's possible. I'm back to this old saying, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

No matter what... children WILL feel that too.
And they know.
They see it and experience the disparity.
Maybe if your MIL sees... and understands that children... WILL realize that there is a disparity in how she treats her grandkids, she will amend her treatment of them.

Kids know these things too.
They feel it and see it.
And her favoring that one grandchild... is tearing apart the family. And the children.... will know.
Does she really want to... be a Grandma in which her other Grandchildren, will remember her by being that way?

The Mom of that favored Grandchild... should also, realize, that.
And talk to her Mom about it.
I mean, it is tearing the family apart. Because of the way Grandma is favoring a grandchild.

That is really sad. As Laurie A. said, your in-laws are making a choice.
My SIL and BIL are coming to my son's Eagle Scout Ceremony next week. it is the very first time that any relative on either side of the family has attended any family event we have had. My husband's parents had attended many events for their other grandchildren. It has really been hurtful to us also.

Oh, I see this happen all of the time and it's sad. Your MIL and FIL really need to force the fairness, even if they don't want to. I am sure they do not love one grandchild more than the other but it's just a fact that many times mom's are more comfortable with their daughters than their sons. I don't know how to explain it. In my family, there are 2 girls and 2 boys. My mother tends to spend more time with the two of us girls vs. the boys. The wives put a crimp in the relationship (not meaning to but don't want the MIL around more than she needs to be). I even have problems with my mom because she prefers my sister (and her lifestyle) over mine with children. I can only imagine what the brothers feel. My husband and his siblings have major resentment towards their grandparents for doing the same. They would fly across the country to visit the other grand-kids but wouldn't drive 30 minutes to visit them. I think their was a relationship issue between his mom and the grandmother (his father's mom). ....see, there it is again; the parents spent less time with the son and his wife and kids. Sad. It's not right but I think it often happens naturally. Your husband and his brother's should all point this out to your in-laws but need to be VERY careful about it!!!!!! She is likely to become defensive because in her head, she most likely loves all of her grandchildren the same. I'm sure she just feels more comfortable around her daughter but she needs to fake it for the sake of her other relationships. Again, they need to approach her in a manner that doesn't make her feel ganged up on or she will get defensive, it will hurt her feelings, make her feel awkward and result in her coming around even less than before. I'm sorry you are going through this. Life becomes harder once we have kids. Relationships with family become even more complicated. You are NOT alone!

I believe it absolutely matters. If the adults can see it so can the kids. The same thing happens in my family and it's my oldest daughter who is the golden child. I voiced my opinion about it over the years but never removed my daughter from her grandmother. Now she is a sophomore in college and has been so crippled/enabled by her grandmother that she can't stand on her own two feet at all. Her father and I gave her all the tools she needed to leave home and be self sufficient and her grandmother took that away from her. I no longer to speak to the grandmother which has caused my dad to no longer want to speak to me. It has torn the whole family apart. My biggest regret in life is trusting this woman with my children. My other children are visibly hurt by this too. You have to set boundaries and stick with them. There is a great book called Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud. It has helped me immensly with my situation. Perhaps it can help you as well.

my mil has done the same thing. my SIL lived at their for almost 2yrs after her child was born, mind you she payed little if any room and board, free child care as well as mil buying diapers formula ect for her also the kicker is sil was making over 60g a year. after we had our dd she bought us 1 pkg diapers and 1 formula and that was it. And we were struggling with making ends meet. and now dear neice is a MAJOR brat so very rude its awful. We have had to move out of state for dh's job and now its oh we miss you guys do you need anything, blah balh blah. Dh hates driving back into town bc of how we were treated before. When the inlaws see dd they are amazed at how well mannered she is potty trained at 2, please thank you, I guess in hind site its a good thing mil had little to do with dd in the begining, our dd is not anything like dn.