More added....People Try to Take Advantage of Me

I used to have this problem except I was asked for money. If someone gives me TMI, I excuse myself. I felt torn at first but now it is reflex

Updated

I used to have this problem except I was asked for money. If someone gives me TMI, I excuse myself. I felt torn at first but now it is reflex

if 'almost everyone' is imposing on you to this degree, you're inviting it.
you don't mean to, and clearly you don't realize you're doing it, but you are.
this doesn't happen to me because nothing in my words or manner encourage that degree of intrusiveness.
and if it happens, i shut it down courteously, clearly and immediately.
the other women aren't the problem.
khairete
S.

One of the skills you seem to have is making people feel comfortable and invited into your life. That's probably very valuable in your job but in all aspects of your life it gets annoying really fast. I think the problem right now is more where you are meeting other women. When we have young children we tend to meet others with young children so there are fund raisers, product parties, etc as a way to get out of the house and have grown up talk time. You choose to attend or not.

Instead you might want to join groups that are hobby or interest based like book clubs at the library or coffee shop, craft groups, hobbies or interests that you can find on meetup.com.

I think the problem is pretty clearly stated in your first paragraph.

No, if we met, I wouldn't feel like I knew you forever, and I wouldn't feel that I could tell you anything. That kind of intimacy is developed over a lengthy period of time. It grows, like a strong tree. Perhaps if you start viewing yourself as someone that everyone knows deeply, and view yourself instead as a polite, approachable person, that might help. By approachable, I mean having a friendly smile on your face, thanking someone aloud if they hold a door open for you, appearing pleasant. But not like everyone has known you forever.

Trying to help people see the best in themselves, and trying to help anyone who is hurting, are fine qualities, but they need boundaries. Perhaps you are too much of a "fixer", going too far to help someone whose story you do not know. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't say something nice to the greeter in Walmart whom you encounter weekly ("you always have a great smile! Nice to see you today!"), or telling you cab driver as you tip him generously that you appreciate his service. But don't try to find out everything about everybody, and fix everything.

I have never heard of someone begging to go along on a friend's business trip, and assuming the business would pay. How on earth did you find three such people? What kind of business are you in? Are these women in the same business (perhaps you all are Amway distributors or something)?

Start by trying to view yourself as something other than "if we met you'd feel like you knew me forever and could tell me anything". Something along the lines of "if we met, you'd think I was a happy and pleasant person, and perhaps you might be interested in getting to know me. I wouldn't share everything about myself in the first 10 minutes, nor would I expect you to share everything about yourself. I wouldn't want you to tell me everything. But after I encountered you in line at Starbucks, your day was a little better because I could see you were in a hurry and I let you go ahead of me, and I smiled at you because it seemed like you were very stressed". And leave it at that. Take time to grow real friendships.

I have to agree with everyone else, it is you, it is how you present yourself. Things like this just don't normally happen to people. The first thing you tell us is that we would instantly be friends like we had been forever. That is how you perceive yourself not necessarily how others perceive you. Because that is how you perceive yourself you unknowingly do things to fulfill that perception of yourself. That is what is causing your problems.

"I have had to get pretty blunt with three women who actually put me on the spot and asked to start traveling with me since my husband always stays home." That is an odd statement to me. My husband travels, he would never say my wife always stays home. If he did it would imply that he wishes I was with him, that he is lonely, wants a companion. Then you are shocked they want to travel with you and keep you company? That this would have value to you?

Pay closer attention to what you say and try to understand what it says to others, not to yourself. You are communicating a need and people are responding to that need.

Get out of that church. I don't know if those "needy parties" are throughout the church or if you are just being sought out for them, but it's a huge red flag, especially for people with your problems with boundaries.

I think you really need to look at your statement that "If we met, you would feel like you knew me forever and you could tell me anything." How would I get that impression if you weren't giving WAY too much personal information right off the bat? So you have to figure out why you do that. What is the need in you that is met by sharing way too much info and eliciting way too much info from others, in an attempt to "help them"? What is it that compels you to take on every person and help them see the best in themselves? I know you think you are meeting their needs, but in fact I suspect that it's meeting some deep need in you. It's easier to feel strong and capable and secure if you have a big line up of people who need what you have to offer!

Please see a counselor who can help you by exploring these reasons and by helping to identify things you say and do in personal encounters. We can't do that from a distance because we are only reading what you wrote and not seeing what you do or hearing what you say.

You say that you don't give out info on your travels - but how would people know your plans if you didn't tell them or put it on social media or leave your itinerary lying around? There must be SOMETHING you are doing that informs the world.

I'll bet some short term counseling would be very enlightening and helpful.

I read this and cringed at the first paragraph. If that's how you see yourself, then you are attracting these kinds of people. My husband refers to them as parasites.

Emotionally healthy, stable people don't need people to help them see the best in themselves. They already know it and are sharing with others. They are not hurting so much that they need someone to help them. Everyone hurts a bit, but you rely on your close friends, family or see a therapist if needs be at times. You aren't looking for a stranger that you meet to be there for you.

So if these kinds of people keep popping up in your life, then look at what you are doing.

My BIL goes from one relationship like this to another. He is now just ending a relationship with someone we all clearly knew was using him, but it took him months to figure this out. How he didn't know that's what their intentions were, I have no idea. So obvious to the rest of us. I think he mistakes neediness with "Oh this person makes me feel valued and important" or something. Codependency as B mentioned.

You should surround yourself with people who bring you up, not bring you down. And if you want to help people, that's great - but stick to just being a good friend to your friends and family. Be warm to new people, but have boundaries. Oversharing means - they are telling you stuff they really shouldn't be. That's a sign that it's not a healthy relationship.

ETA: That's not a church you are attending, it's a cult, in my opinion. You need to stop going there.
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This will be harsh, but it needs to be said. The problem is you. You open yourself up to people. You invite them into your life and share things with them that probably shouldn't be shared right away.

In regards to your travel? If you don't advertise? How do they know you're traveling? YOU TELL THEM. You've done this to yourself.

People can't take advantage of you unless you allow them to.

Ilene:

Welcome to mamapedia.

You are your own worst enemy. You allow people to come into your life and that's fine, but you don't set boundaries. So people feel like that can intrude on your life. You don't even realize it. You stated "you would feel like you knew me forever" - well the only way I'm going to "feel" that way is if YOU blab to me your life story and talk about your travels.

I have a hard time believing there are people who are asking you to take them with you and expecting you to pay for it all. Did they actually tell you "take me with you and let your company pay for it?"

If you are done. You're done. Why harp over it? You need to step back and see your culpability in this issue. YOU open yourself up and blab to people, you give them an impression that you are either a) wealthier than you are or b) that you can bring people with you.

I'd throttle back on my talking with people I just met and listen to them first.

You are going to need to look deep within yourself to figure out why you attract the type of people that want to use you.

This has never happened to me.

Reading your post reminded me of a dear, dear, friend, who always seemed to attract other women who needed support. Quickly the requests escalated and became demands on her, her money and her time. It took her some reflection and practice to recognize when she was over-offering or when someone was too quick to ask for a favor.

She began using stock phrases to give her time to think of saying no. (Hmmm.... I won't be able to do that. Hmmm... Thanks for asking, but no. Hmmmm.... Thanks for thinking of me, but no.) Notice eventually she got to No. Then she'd have to repeat it again, without explanation.

It's ironic how many folks truly think that you owe them an explanation and it's also ironic how often we think we owe someone an explanation. Not so. Just decline requests.

P.S. I bet you are as lovely as my friend.

Coming to this late, but run away from that church! Sharing what you want to freely give is one thing, being a support for people who are failing at life is quite another.

That is so strange to me that women ask to go on your work trips with you. Just say no, the company does not approve of that and besides I need to work the whole time and meet with clients in the evening...or something like that. I have never heard of someone inviting themselves to go on someone else's work trip. I can't even imagine how that would come up. I think it's time to distance yourself from these "friends". Your church also is strange. People give to the church and give their time to help volunteer...but it is the church's job to help those less fortunate (with money from donations, gathering other types of donations (winter coats, food drives), and organizing volunteers to distribute or help physically do something). I think you should quit the life group and tell them you only have enough money to support yourself and give to the church...they are welcome to take what you give to the church each Sunday. Honestly, I would be tempted to go to a different church if they pressure you or make you feel bad. I have had plenty of mom friends try to sell me things. It seems like every other woman has her own home sales business. I used to sometimes buy from them but now I say no to everyone...it's nothing that I need or it is not in my budget. I don't take it personally...they are trying their hardest to work from home bc they want to stay home with their kids yet still make some money. I personally would never want my own sales job...how exhausting! I find all the home sales parties annoying now. So...I guess my advice to you is to have more boundaries with people. Work on saying no and not having a problem with it. Be ready with some canned phrases....like, Hm, I'm not sure, let me get back to you. PS - Your first paragraph tells me a lot about you. It sounds like you are attracted to people with issues and you want to help them. Maybe you see yourself as a savior? Why not look for friends who are confident and stable and who don't need saving. Instead the relationship is built on a give and take...both of you are equal. These are friends who lift you up and don't feel a need to ask you for things.

I really question the setup of that "church", particularly if it's attracting mooches like you describe. It might be time to seek out a new church. At the very least, back out of those life group classes. They sound like a real setup. I'm all for charity and giving to deserving organizations, but this pressure to reveal to others what you have and give one-on-one to others who present themselves as needy sounds borderline dangerous to me.

Maybe you can just focus on saying no in a way that folks hear the 1st time (instead of the 30th time), being ok with it and expect that to some degree this will just happen and it kind of sucks, rather than focusing on changing who YOU are and how YOU present yourself.

Usually people who present as kind and helpful folks do mostly attract the wrong type of people. BUT it is usually folks who are kind hearted and have been helped themselves that act this way. It is who you are and there are people who would love to be friends with and not take advantage of you. You may never meet the good folks, if you change who you are to keep the bad folks away :(

I'd work on that stronger NO and worry less about who you are attracting - you clearly can recognize a parasite when you see one. Shoo those folks away and keep your eye out for the good and wonderful folks who will appreciate your qualities.

Good luck!

I cannot give advice as your initial question seems to have been removed or maybe the question has been scrambled out of order, so now I am seeing only part of your question and it's not very clear. It makes for a confusing read. I hope the people who read your initial question were able to offer good ideas, but next time, add the "more" on the "so what happened" area, or create 2 separate posts, one with the "added" so people know what you were asking initially. Good luck.

I was just feeling sad for myself because everyone at work has cliques up and I am left out of a lot of work related things...last to know about meetings and policy changes. I figured I'm too closed up and self sufficient no one needs to rescue me..and I don't get into others drama so I'm never rescuing anyone.....
Sometimes I think friend ships can start by you buying something from someone or both going on a trip together...so I think you need to think about the kindofpeople you want in your life..sometimes them using you a little might be ok...if not..maybe don't smile as much...don't share as much..and join a group where you all might be more equal or more involved in the same things

"My business travel is strictly business." That's what you say. Repeat once, if they continue to try to manipulate you. Then, change the subject and refuse to discuss further, or simply get up and leave.

After seeing your SWH, I am convinced that this "church" home group is not for you. Even from your short paragraph describing it, it gives me the vibe of people who are trying to find others they can emotionally pull strings of (you) and take advantage of them. Get out of there and find a group that is truly worship based. This does not sound spiritual at all.

Anyone who doesn't respect you when you say "no" or that you already have charities to which you give is not worthy of your time and attention. They're simply users.

Asking for help means being put in the situation so that you may use the tools to get out of that situation.

You cannot manage something you are not in the presence of......you know what I mean?

It does not mean the situation will not happen again. It means you will recognize it faster, speak up sooner, be more assertive and feel more confident (instead of second guessing yourself) in handling the situations.

It's a paradoxical relationship...the more you are exposed to these situations, the more you will use the tools, the faster you will move on and the less they will actually occur.

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That being said, I am a very 'concrete thinking' person.

What that means to me would be to set standards:
*know person xx amount of time before....
*reveal small things about self first and see how persons respond
*examine persons response to things revealed (were they trustworthy/judgmental/opportunistic with this knowledge)
*is the effort being put into relationship balanced
*is the ratio to take/giving balanced

Privately journal and update these questions. Wait a few days/weeks and then objectively examine your responses. This will help you find "evidence" where boundaries were violated.