Follow up Adult Daughter

Updated on March 30, 2015
M.V. asks from Rochester, NH
16 answers

I gave up a great job for my daughter she became my world as should be. I have no regrets. I gave her everything we could, she was involved in dance, sports what ever she wanted. We went on several family vacations and paid for a friend to be there for her. I should also state when she is in her relationships with her boyfriend she has Nothing to do with anyone except him and his family and friends. She has nothing to with her other friend and family. Her friend have ever reached out to me and asked what happened? I feel bad. We are also apart of this cycle she has created. I know what I did......... i spoil dyer and gave her everything. I even let her tell me how to act in front of her new friends. I went to a bridal show, it was surpassed to be just us, but she had me go with another friend who i do not know and her mom. I was not allow to speak or draw attn. She dissed me the whole day I was not involved in anyway or spoken to. I was so hurt when I got home I just cried. My husband put his foot down.My daughter hates it when I speak so proudly of her or how she is my light. I don't get it. She want people to think we are bad.I have saved stuff a forever for her wedding. My wedding dress to be made in to a wrap for flower or a garter for her . I have purchased glasses and thank you gifts. I finally just dropped them all off. She only response when it comes to money or gifts. I had my first wedding ring put in a necklace for her wedding day. There is just no pleasing her. She is just out to make us look bad to her new friends and family.

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So What Happened?

Thank you to everyone:) i just joined parents anonymous. I still think I was a good mother and wife(30 yrs) and business partner. I still think given your children all your love a all the thing they want is not bad. But again I need help with this. Thank you and will let you all know how the classes go.

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answers from Miami on

I don't understand why you wrote this. You just wrote the other one. Do you not understand what people are saying on the other one to you? Go back and read those answers. Again.

Parent's Anonymous isn't enough. You need a real counselor, not a bunch of other parents who have screwed up with their kids. You don't need to tell more strangers the same thing over and over, like you're doing here. You need a counselor to help you understand how YOU made mistakes here. Why? So that you can stop making these mistakes with her.

If you don't, then you will never learn.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

STOP enabling her.
STOP giving her things.

You are trying to "buy" her love and respect and you can't do that.

She sounds like a piece of work, ungrateful brat and entitled little biotch.

Close the bank with EVERYTHING including gifts, step back and leave her alone.

STOP begging her. I bet if you go away for a while, she might come crawling back BUT I would not take her back so quickly and start give give giving again. This will be a slow recovery process.

8 moms found this helpful

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answers from Houston on

STOP!!!!!! Enough. We understand you are hurt. She is NOT your world and shouldn't be.

She is a grown woman making decisions. You might not like them but they are hers to make.

No more money, no more anything. Just stop! Please!!

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I read your last question as well as this (which doesn't seem to be a question, more a vent of your feelings) and your So What Happened...

and you still seem stuck, like you just don't get it.

Giving your children *healthy* love, which includes guidance, boundaries and discipline, is never a bad thing. But what you are describing is very unhealthy and codependent: giving your kids all they want isn't what they need at all. Years ago, I read a great article on parenting entitled "The Gift of 'No' ".... the word "no" gives our children a wonderful opportunity to learn how to navigate the world with realistic expectations of other people. Saying no to our children gives them structure; they realize there is a time and a place for things, there are limits to what you may or may not have--- in short, we teach them reality. We teach them to work for what they want when we let them earn it. We teach them patience and perseverance when we use this word judiciously.

I know you have joined Parents Anonymous, be aware that 12 step programs are known to have serious flaws and a lack of oversight. As Doris Day suggested, you may just end up in a room with a bunch of other hurt and angry parents without good counsel. But it's not enough--as Marda pointed out, you have zero boundaries and until you work on *you*, that's going to continue. But can you also try to imagine how good it would feel that when your daughter was being rude or dismissive of you, that you could look at her and say "I don't like how you are treating me, I'm leaving now" and take charge of your own actions, your own self? Do you see that you are choosing to be subservient to your own child? Because I can hear the humiliation in what you describe.... my guess is that you are very enmeshed in a codependent relationship with your daughter and counseling would be a great start.

You made her 'your world' at the expense of who you are. You *do* have regrets. It's time to find out who you are again, to challenge what you think motherly love really is, and to stand up for yourself. Or it will continue....

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I don't know what advice to offer you in your current situation, but I would certainly warn other not to get into your current situation. Do not spoil your kids. Make sure they understand the value of money and that they need to work for what they get. Make sure they understand that adults need to be treated with respect. Do not live a completely "child centered" lifestyle, make sure children know they are loved, but that they are not the center of the universe.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

"my daughter she became my world" - that was your first mistake.
In order to become well adjusted adults they need to know their place in your world - and it IS an important place - but to be the center of your universe is a pretty daunting task for an infant/child.
Your kid was not up for that responsibility - no kid ever is.
When she started school you should have gone back to work.
You are responsible for this situation and you need to get out of her orbit.
Find your own center and be your own person.
She's an adult - and your active parenting days are over.
An empty nest isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Let her deal with her own wedding - you step back and/or step out and away from that whole process.
Heck - go to Disney World, have fun and relax.
Find a hobby, get a job, volunteer - what ever - but your daughter should never ever be 'your world' ever again.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Geez! She doesn't respect you because you have not taught her respect. You don't respect yourself enough to stop this never-ending cycle in which you give her every thing hoping she'll love you. Giving her everything she wants is not love nor does it teach her how to love.

Let go of your need to win her love by sacrificing yourself. Stop with the money and gifts. Why would you give her heirloom things when you know she won't appreciate them? Why would you do anything for her when she's not appreciative?

I suggest you literally put her out of your life until you can respect yourself enough to have boundaries. Take care of yourself. I was in therapy for a couple of years before I began to understand boundaries. A book that helped me move forward was about codependency. In short, we are codependent when our happiness depends on what the other person does or doesn't do. Learn how to be happy without her. Your responsibility as a parent is over. She is an adult.Once you learn how to take care of yourself you can let her back in to your life or not.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on will continue to be a doormat so people don't "think bad" of you?
I'm having trouble seeing what you think is your issue at hand--your daughter or how others perceive you.
Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Dang! What kind of daughter did you raise? Oh right an ungrateful spoiled hateful one! Time to cut the cord mama and move on. I would never EVER EVER allow my adult daughter to treat me this horribly and tell me who i can and cannot talk to. Take your checkbook and run! If she wants to be so ungrateful and disrespectful, let her pay for her own damn wedding! SHEESH!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

So you planned out her wedding, too, without consulting her? Did she ask for any of this? It sounds like you are trying to live vicariously through her and it's not working. So get your own life and let her have hers. Honestly, though she sounds like she's spoiled, you are also making yourself sound more and more like a controlling, demanding mother. You think she is just out to get you...have you really looked at yourself? I'm having a hard time seeing that you aren't contributing to this. You can vent here all you want, but you really need to figure out how you got here. Perhaps therapy will help. You might someday have grandchildren and you will need to mend fences with their parents to have a relationship with them. Right now, you're just drilling holes in your own boat.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

She's spoiled because you spoiled her.

You teach people how to treat you. You taught her that she can have anything she wants, monetarily, and that there are no consequences for her actions. You taught her that you don't matter, that how she treats you is unimportant and you are surprised that she isn't nice to you and grateful? You have to teach children how to be grateful.

I'm sorry that you were ever under the impression that giving your child whatever they want is a good thing. It's a horrible thing.

It's important to give children love. It is not important to bow down to their every whim.

You didn't teach her that hard work pays off. You didn't teach her that if you want things you have to work for them. You taught her that her actions to not have consequences because Mom's money never runs out. You taught her that you are a door mat for her to step on.

Good luck with "parents anonymous." I hope you learn how to have a better relationship with your daughter.

ETA - Just read your last paragraph. It's great that you wanted to do things for her, but it's her wedding. It has to be things that she wants. Does she want something made from your wedding dress and wedding ring? I wouldn't. Are you if talking to her about what she wants? Or is this just want you would want?

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

She sounds spoiled and rude. Later in life when she matures I'm sure she will regret being rude to you. But you also sound a bit clingy and saying things like she is "your world" would be really really annoying. Please...get yourself some hobbies that you love and can really get into. I am guessing you focus to much on your daughter. She would like you better if you were busy with travel or gardening or volunteering or whatever instead of focusing so much on her and her wedding. Let go. Stop wanting certain things for her. Stop wanting to give your input. Don't do sentimental things like giving her your wedding ring unless she seems interested. My mom is often trying to give me things that have great meaning to her. I don't want them. I sometimes say no thanks and sometimes will take it to be polite...but really when she passes away I am not keeping all these things. Some people (like my mom) feel sentimental value over things. Some people (like me) have zero emotional attachment to things and see them as clutter. Let her make her own choices and don't give her all the things you saved for her wedding. My mom had a huge period of depression because I did not have the wedding she wanted...years of her lamenting over this. I am not like her. I just wanted friends to gather outside in a beautiful place. No dress, no church, no wasted money. She is fine with this now, but it took her many years to realize I do not want the things she wants.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

She gets sympathy for having a horrible mother. She tells people stories because it makes her look better and makes her feel superior to you. Just say no and be done with her.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I just read this also. You feel hurt. She doesn't seem to operate through guilt, as the dropping off of the glasses and gifts are. It is her wedding and she should be doing that thank youing. And you are the mother who can learn to enjoy life without her.
I have two sons both who I feel I treated the same way. I felt I did everything possible for both of them. But they are very different how they turned out. Yes, you did everything for your daughter and she doesn't appreciate it. You can make your world happy without depending on her for your happiness as she isn't going to give it to you at this time. Maybe someday
Please try to disengage from her nonsense. I am thinking she is getting great joy out of this what appears to me to be bullying you emotionally. You have to decide what you want. Clearly buying her things isn't making her the warm human being/daughter you want. So perhaps find a counselor or someone who will show you that you are valuable to the world if not to her.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

You're new to Mamapedia. This post would be more helpful as the "So What Happened" on your first post. That way, everyone can read the whole story on one page. I'll be responding on the original post - I think most people would prefer it that way. Just FYI for the future.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

This must be really hard for you. Giving your daughter everything and giving in to her every whim doesn't make you a good parent it makes you a permissive parent. She needs counseling and you do as well. Your checkbook for the wedding comes at the price of you having some input into the wedding. Time to adjust your family dynamics. Your DD needs counseling at a min bc you said she dumps all her friends when she gets a boyfriend. She also sounds like she has other issues to work out

1 mom found this helpful
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