Money/VENT

My ex was this way. I never spent money, and if I did, I would get the 3rd degree....but he could spend as much as he wanted. We never were on the same page. One a lot of other things too.

I suggest that you get counseling and head to a Dave Ramsay class. Also, stop using debit cards. Really. Start taking out a cash allowance every two weeks. Once it's spent, that's it. No more.

We do a Joint for household expenses, a minimum goes in there, and we each get an allowance. Now that I am no longer working, mine is smaller than it was as I do not need as much for going out and such. Here is an example:

Bills are 3000/month, we put in 4000 each month
Savings got 300/month and put half of what was not used the previous month into savings too. So if we only spent the 3000 then 500 went to savings (800 total for the month).
We each got 150 per week while we were working. This covered lunch outings, gas, unexpected clothes, going out solo etc.
"Date Night" was included in our "bills" account but if we had drinks with friends with out the other that was on ourselves. The debit cards for the "Bills" account stayed home and how we handled our personal funds (acct or as cash) was up to us. He liked cash, I had a bank account that was all mine. Hope that helps!

My wife is like that. I griped about it so much that she didn't buy anything unless I agreed with it. Its not that I was domineering, its that we couldn't afford to live if she kept buying without caring. Her dad was on welfare (the whole family was.) Her dad smoked and drank. If her dad felt like he wanted lamb for dinner and it happened to be $5 per pound, he just bought it. ($5 per pound back in the early 70's would be $10 to $15 per pound today.)

Example: I asked my wife to buy strawberries. I told her the store that had the 1 lb tray of strawberries for $.98. I made sure she bought the 1 lb tray at the sale price. I told her to buy 4 lbs. So she goes to the store and buys 1, 4 lb trayfor $5.98 instead of 4 1 lb trays for $.98 each. So she spent $5.98 instead of $3.92 for the same strawberries. That's the way her dad and mom taught her. And no matter how well I taught her, she always goes back to doing what her mom and dad taught her. When she buys groceries, she easily spends twice what I spend.

She isn't stupid. She graduated 8th out of a class of 1200. She has a bachelor's degree. When times are good economically we each have $100 per month to spend on what ever we want.

I would recommend to you that you and your husband have $X to spend on what ever you want. And you have the same. If you want to make that $X be $25 or $65, or $100 that is up to you. But that is your limit. I feel bad sometimes when she reaches her limit or when I reach my limit, but that's life. I generally tend tspend my$100 on stuff for us, like a cruise ad she tends to spend her money on expensive stuff I would never buy, but that's life. Giving him and her a set spending amount lets him have some economic independence and removes the stigma of never having any free to spend money. It will also give him an incentive to watch his spending.

Just a thought for you. Good luck to you and yours.

The secret to my happy marriage is separate checking accounts. There's an account for household stuff, and then we have our own money which is partly for things like gifts for the other but also for stuff we don't want to have to justify to the other.

I have friends who have 3 accounts too - the household account (mortgage, utilities, groceries, taxes, snowplow guy, joint gifts if they go to a wedding or a friend's birthday, donations they agree on, and so on), her account (her hair, her son from a previous marriage, her trips to see her father, her lunches out or wine nights with the ladies, her charities), and his account (his dad, his haircuts, his poker and golf fees, his lunches with his buddies, his charities). They don't sweat it on the small stuff once in a while, like if she sees a great gift for his dad or he sees something for her son. But otherwise they are pretty strict about it. Neither one of them sees or oversees what the individual account covers - but they both see the joint account.

Decide NOW how much % of your income goes into which account. And whoever makes more pays that percentage into the joint account which in your case pays for all the house stuff but also stuff I didn't mention above like kids' clothing and school fees, doctor visits, insurance, gas, etc. Obviously that's the biggest account.

And if your husband is out of money at the end of the week, there's no transferring money out of the joint account into his personal one. Decide how much goes in on the first of the month or with each paycheck, whatever is easiest for you to manage. And that's it.

Stop sacrificing so he can party! He needs to learn to do without, and you need to maybe do "with" a little!

Everyone gets a monthly budget and how they spend their money is their business. You have to allocate for the family expenses first, of course.
Figure out how much you can have - both of you get the same amount.
YMMV

I would try to not "split" everything.... unless you make exactly the same amount of money.
"splitting" turns into MINE and YOURS. which is not good for a marriage.

What I think you DO need to do.... is ask him to be more involved with how what he spends affects the WHOLE picture.

So - ask him to plan how much money he needs each week. CASH, no debit card. Then - see if that's do-able. (he *may* be more reasonable, if he gets a say).

If it's NOT reasonable. ASK HIM TO MAKE THE DECISION.... "honey, I know you want a slush of $200 each week. In order to do that you will have to eliminate the movie channel or your subscription to racecar magazine. Which one should I cancel?"
The tip.... just like with a toddler - is the consequences have to be felt by HIM.... so YOU don't go to a different hair stylist (or whatever). HE gives up stuff HE wants in order to have other stuff HE wants.

The problem with splitting is that what if he is in charge of paying the electric bill and he doesn't have the money? What are you going to do? are you still going to review the money and make sure everything gets paid? Now, you're just being his mother. Bad times.

Good Luck.

My husband stays home so we'll keep the joint account but I have definitely felt that there was an attitude of "You be careful with the money; I'll do as I please" from him. In anger I have blurted out "Let's switch -you earn the money, and I'LL spend it!"

So I think it's possible your husband would have an over-entitled non-team attitude whether he worked or not. That's just his handy excuse for now.

Honestly, I think counseling is in order to help the two of you align better. You may need to do more for YOU and he may need outside help to learn he's on a TEAM now when it comes to income.

My husband is in counseling and it's not perfect, but it's helped. Do try to go together some, because that's key to finding the right counselor. My husband went to a counselor for awhile that did us more harm than good. The counselor was into "validating feelings" when my husband really needed to have some sense shook into him regarding whether I was his wife or his tool.

Not going to work if you both aren't on the same page. Your posting is all about I I I and him him him. The 1 we was quickly followed up with a or at least I. "We" are never going to accomplish anything as long as it's I and him.

You both need to sit down and figure out goals for both short and long term. Cutting back shouldn't mean doing without everything. Fun money should be in your budget too. If you want to save your fun money in your own account while your hubby spends his on lunch then so be it.

All that being said, I don't have a joint account with my hubby. Never have never will. We each have bills we cover every month out of our own account. His money belongs to him and mine to me. I know quite a few couples that have separate accounts and a joint 1 for bills. Figure out what works for you and go for it.

If he isn't on the same page as you then your plan has no hopes of succeeding.

My sister is the same way. Her husband makes a good living, he's an engineer of some sort. She made, clear, over $10K last year on her Etsy shop. She also is older so she gets social security each month, he's in his 50's and younger than her.

So they make a really good amount of money each month. They live in a beautiful huge house with a pool and manicured lawn, it's in a super nice neighborhood too.

My sister is constantly on him for anything he spends any money on. He's a Southern Baptist and she's a Jehovah's Witness. Every dime he spends on tithes and additional offerings or building funds or the Lottie Moon fund....she's gripping at him again.

I tell her over and over and over when she calls me to talk about how he gave his church hundreds of dollars this Sunday. She needs to take care of her own money and let him spend his money how he wants it.

She's a real penny pincher and he's a not a total wild spender but she doesn't want him to spend money the way he wants to spend it.

I think that they need to keep their finances completely separate. That way she has no idea where his money is going. As long as the payments are made on the house, vehicle he drives, she pays her own car payment, and any other bills are paid then the extra money should be decided of course and certain funds set aside for savings or retirement situations but after than he should be able to use his money for stuff he wants.

The same for you guys. If your bills are paid then you guys must come to an agreement about the money.

I think you do not have half the bills, that's roommates and not a marriage. You both owe 100% of the bills. You both owe 100% of the house payments and every bill. BUT there is a line where you don't get to tell him what he can eat or not eat when he's at work.

If he is in a position where he is expected to go to lunch with customers or co-workers where they even discuss one point regarding work then you need to keep track of those "out of the office meetings" and file them with your taxes.

He needs to eat lunch out if he would be looked down upon by anyone in the office. They'll think he's poor and lose respect for him, he may end up losing out on promotions or better clients or even higher paying jobs.

It's not about him minding you or doing what he wants. He's in a position where he should be able to eat if he's hungry and not have to take him lunch.

I suggest you keep your coffee club, that's an amazing group. Keep eating your lunch like this IF, IF, IF you enjoy it and find it perfect for you.

BUT if YOU would really love to go out to eat with some friends with work every now and then or eat a delivered meal to the office then do it.

If you can find a way to set a goal and do something where you can totally be on the same page about the money you want to save that's when you can set a goal and find fun ways to meet the goal.

Can you check out Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey from the library (for free)?

In that book he talks about the envelope system of budgeting and managing weekly expenses. What if you handed your husband an envelope of cash every week and told him that was it for the week's lunches/coffees etc.? Would your husband go along with that? Especially if you both did it?

My husband is the saver (mostly) and I'm the spender (though I'm weirdly frugal about certain things). For me there is just something about handing over cold, hard cash that keeps me focused on not spending too much. The weeks we do this with our grocery money we "magically" come in under budget most of the time. Gee I really DON'T need that $5 bottle of hand soap when I can get one at the $1 store that works just fine.

Figure out his issues and try to exploit them for your budgetary gain. :P

ETA: Unless a marriage is in trouble I'm not a fan of handling "your half of the bills" separately. Now if he is spending the money before the bills get paid that is another issue.

I don't think any couple sees eye to eye on ALL issues when it comes to money and spending habits.
How's the big picture?
Are your bills paid?
Are important things (like savings and retirement) getting funded?
Do you pay cash for most things?
If you can answer yes to these questions then maybe you need to cut him some slack. My husband NEVER brings lunch to work, he prefers getting out of the building and hitting up the local eateries. When I worked I brought my lunch most of the time, because (probably like you) I felt it was a waste of money to eat out every day.
Now if you guys are in debt and struggling to make ends meet, well that's a different story. Maybe you could try one of those financial planning systems that seem so popular now, like Dave Ramsey. Of course it will only work if your husband is committed too.