Mommas Boy

Hi-

I agree with Heather, but there's nothing you can do to make him "grow up" if that's the problem. My suggestion is to sit down and talk. Find out exactly what it is that is appealing to him about staying in that area. Is it the security of his mom being close, is it just familiar surroundings or is he scared about the financial burden that having your own place will bring? Find out exactly what he is thinking and then explain your concerns about staying. Once you understand exactly what you both want you can start looking for a place that meets both of your needs. Maybe neither the cousin's place nor the appartment that you have chosen is the right place. You need to compromise and get together on this decision. Maybe there's another mobile home to rent elsewhere that would give you your own home and a little space from his family but would allow him to not be in an apartment and to still be close enough to go see his mom when he wants to. This is just the first of many compromises the two of you will face in order for your marriage to work. Most things (especially big things like homes, cars, vacations, etc.) will never be exactly what either one of you want on your own but it will be a perfect blend of both of you so that you can both be happy with the outcome.

Good luck,
K.

In the end ultimatums only work to destroy your union. Someone feels totally over powered while empowering the other. It will ony cause division between you, not the oneness that a good marriage needs as a foundation.

You should definitely sit down and talk w/ your husband w/o accusations and see what his concerns are. I believe your husband is just afraid of the responsibility of providing for you guys. You did not mention if you work or stay home. If you stay home then the sole income would be coming from your husband to support you guys, which is fine, if he feels he can handle it on his own.

I don't know if either of you has ever paid rent, utilities, cable, car note, insurance, etc before. Have you been paying any bills or saving while living w/ his Mom? I believe knowledge empowers. So, I would suggest that you all sit down and try as best as you can to map out your expenses, if you were to move out. Really sit down and budget a move out plan and see what your expenses have to be in order to handle it w/o a struggle. You could even enlist his Mom's help by asking her advice on the cost of utilities and any unforeseen costs that she could think of. Let her know that you have appreciated her letting you all live w/ her, but you are ready to see if you guys could make on your own in the near future. I hope she wants you all to succeed, b/c this will go a long way in helping to build up your husband's courage.

Once you have set up your imaginary budget, maybe you could "pay" those bills by placing that money in a savings account over the next three months and see if you have any problems paying those bills. If not, I say go for it. This will help your husband feel more confident in providing for you guys. Knowledge is power. The first few years of marriage is hard enough w/o adding unneccesary power struggles.

I hope this helps.

If other aspects of your relationship are working, then ending a 2 yr old's daily contact with her father should not be on the table... As in, I don't think this in itself is a reason to move out and leave him. Take a step back, take a breath... Remind yourself that single motherhood is 10 times more difficult.

Y'all will need to develop a compromise. Start with calm communication and work towards a solution that both of you agree to.

I also agree with the other moms that have posted.
My husband and I married very young, but we did not have a child for 10 years. Reading your post, I keep thinking, we would have had this problem back then if we had , had a child at that time, cause my husband was not used to living on his own. He felt comfortable asking for help from his family and I was brought up to do things on my own. We had and still have many, many "conversations" about this subject.

The thing that helped us the most was marriage counseling. It taught us how to "Talk to and with each other." It was hard to go and say everything to each other, but that is what saved our marriage. Counseling is a "safe place" to tell each other everything. There is no class out there that teaches you to be married, to be a parent AND to grow up.
You could go to the preacher that married you and ask about counseling.

The 3 of you need to learn that you are the most important to each other. Other family members are very kind to offer you help, but you all need to be self sufficient to be able to grow as a family. You guys are really young and I can only imagine how overwhelmed you husband must feel about having to be totally responsible for taking care of you all on his own. There are people my age that cannot support themselves month to month. He could be really freaked out about it. You 2 need to really sit down alone and talk about ALL of your fears and concerns so that the other can offer support and reassurance.
I am sending you both strength and clarity.

Cold, hard truth? If you two are the same age, then he is still a baby. Being a grown-up is not automatic; it doesn't come with age or with wife and child. It's a choice. Living with parents doesn't help much if he's already in that mode. Maybe he's overwhelmed with such big responsibility at such a young age. It looks like it happened kinda fast for you two. That's not an excuse, but this will need to be addressed.

Also, you've already said that he feels like your child favors you over him. He doesn't know his place in any home that you two would create. He is secure in his position with his mother and cousin, established relationships. he is not secure in his role in your immediate family.

He needs a mentor or life coach or someone similar to help him set step-by-step goals.

Stick to your guns, girl! Does mom do everything for him?? Is he afraid to grow up?
Maybe you leaving and taking the baby will wake him up.

You could talk to his mom and see if she will talk him into leaving the house. Most parents want their kids out and on their own, especially if they have a family.

Good Luck!

Hi
sounds like you are trying and hubby is not. I have never thought it was a good idea to live with relatives unless absolutely necessary. If you can afford to life in your own apartment then by all means do it. If hubby comes, then all is well- if he chooses to stay "a codependent" on family then he has a lot of growing up to do....... I would never recommend breaking up a home, but you need to make yourself and your child the first priority.
good luck and blessings

All I can say is hang in there and honestly keep trying. I am of the mindset that once you have a child with someone you owe it to that child to do everything you can to make the marriage work. Children don't ask to be created or brought into the world. However, I do sympathize with your problem. My husband was a mamas boy when we first got married. We even bought our house less than 3miles from his mom so we could be close to her. We did so much for that woman. I had to one day finally let my husband know just as you have. That either he became MY husband or he could remain HER BABY. When you take your vows, most of the time, the pastor/priest says something along the lines of "a man shall leave his father and his MOTHER. And he will cleave to his wife. The two shall become one. What God has brought together let no Man (or Woman) put asunder." I would not make threats or promises. I would sit down as calmly as you can. (which may take a great deal of work) and just let him know. You need a Husband. You need him to put YOU and YOUR BABY first. Explain you are not taking him away from his family. Just putting YOUR FAMILY (ie; the one you two created) FIRST! He will always be his mothers baby to her and in his heart he can still be her baby. Just in practice he needs to be your husband FIRST. He has to leave his childhood behind and be your husband. He will still see his family. You will all still do family things with them. BBQs and such. I find most men are more left brain than right. He just has to see the logic. He needs to remember that this is what God told us in the Bible. Not abandon your parents but put your wife and new family first. The needs of his wife and child need to be his first priority. That means that he won't always be available for his parents and extended family. He will however, be much richer for it in all the ways that count. He will have a dedicated wife who knows she is #1 in is heart and his life. He will have a child who knows that he/she are what is most important to him. These things will pay off for him in ways he can't even imagine right now. You will also have to compromise and be reasonable,of course. Talk, Talk and when you are tired take a break and talk some more. You need to communicate from the heart. IF you honestly do all you can and he CHOOSES not to do what you need of him. THEN I say, you tried and tried and now have no guilt in the end. You do not want to think in your head 10 years from now. Maybe I should have tried harder, or been more patient. I will pray for you. Hang in there. Marriage is work. If it were easy there would be no divorce. Sometimes you give more, sometimes he gives more. Sometimes you will feel you can't go on but he will give you strength to go on. You can do the same for him. A marriage is not 50/50. It means waking up every morning and CHOOSING to stay. CHOOSING to keep working. CHOOSING NOT TO GIVE UP. Too many people think of marriage and only think of the wedding. Marriage is what comes after the wedding. The wedding is the beginning. Life will have ups and downs. BUT life always has ups and downs weather you are married or alone. I wish you all the best and my prayers are with you. I have had times myself where I have thought I wasn't sure I could continue. BUT in the end, I chose to stay and keep working. I am so much better off for it now. Going out to bars with friends is only asking for trouble. Alcohol influences us to do things we should not. Not that you can't do it once in a while. BUT maybe a sports bar or dinner and movie with friends. I know may people who are divorced and many who are still married. The ones who are still married will say that staying home and being home bodies who put their lives together first is key. AND many who are divorced have said to me that they should have tired harder and being single stinks. They are tired of bars and such. It gets old real fast. PLUS, truth be told, there is almost no one will love your baby like his/her daddy can. There are people out there who can take someone else child and treat them like it is theirs but they are few and far between and becoming extinct. Again, best wishes to you and your family. May everything work out for you.

Men are simple creatures. They need to be fed, admired and given the physical pleasures they need. Love is about doing what will make the other person happy - what will make his life worth living.

Tell your husband how much you admire him for providing for you and your family. Tell him how much prouder you will be when he can provide a home for all of you. All positive. No whining, no arguing. Tell him you look forward to having your own place because then you can be intimate ALL the time. Sound very excited and sexy. Tell him your marriage hasn't been what it should be. Do what you can so he will want to be with you instead of his mom.

Make all the preparations to move to the apartment. Just continue to behave as though you are all moving there together. Keep reminding him about how you can have sex right when he walks through the door after work. (Your daughter can be put in a playpen or crib for a few minutes.) Whisper to him how you look forward to rubbing his back while he is watching TV without anyone wondering why you are so affectionate. Tell him you how you can eat dinner in the nude... You get the idea.

You provide these things and you will not believe the transformation. He will start doing things to show his appreciation. He will feel so bad for all his friends who don't have the wife he has. Sure, there are times when you will not feel "in the mood." So what! I'm sure there are times when your husband is not in the mood to go to work to provide for your family but he goes anyway.

When you can, read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. VERY insightful about how much power we women have.

Trust me, it has worked for us - we have been married for over 27 years and I am happier now than I was when we were dating!