Mid Life Crisis??? - Shreveport,LA

It's funny, occasionally, when my small children disappear for a moment or run off when I am trying to round them up, I get this," maybe they will just go away" feeling. I then feel a moment of peace, and then I race to find them.

I love them more than anything. I never knew how amazing motherhood could be. But sometimes I do feel like I can't breathe.

Yes, running sounds nice sometimes, but the grass is never greener.

I'm 39. I think a "welcome to adulthood" is in order for you.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I hear a lot of sadness in your posting and I feel certain there is a lot going on in your mind and heart besides a vague "I did not want this life." It's easy to pine for things that never were because they seem so desirable, but what direction would your life have taken if you had not had children? Had not married the man you married? Would you be....in a different career? Would you have gone on for further education? Traveled more? Moved to another area? Sit down and think about what exactly it is that you are missing, or mourning, or have somehow lost -- what specifically you seem to have missed out on, rather than just "This isn't the life I wanted." What WAS the life you wanted? And is the life you wanted at the age you got married and had kids (teens? 20s?) really truly the life you would want back now? Or are you uncertain what it is that's missing and what you would want to replace it?

All this cries out for professional help. Please, please, before you find yourself distancing yourself from your husband, before you realize your kids are nearly grown and you didn't really get to know them well -- please see a counselor or psychiatrist tomorrow and try to find some specific help for your unnamed dissatisfaction. You can find ways to cope and get yourself back into the life you ARE living rather than waiting and wondering about a life that never was.

We can advise you all day long on Mamapedia but we are not professionals and can't diagnose you, or delve into your past before you got married and had kids, or figure out if your marriage is the issue, or probe whether there are other things going on. You do not have to live like this -- take control and get help, not just our advice. If money is an issue, see your primary care doctor and ask how to get low-cost counseling and help paying for medications if needed -- such help is available. Take care of yourself, stay physically healthy too, and pursue your mental and emotional health for your kids' sake and your own.

I can tell you I've never met a single person who doesn't regret leaving their family. Even in instances of divorce...when getting a divorce was really the best thing...they regretted having to put the kids through that. You are depressed, you need to seek help. If not, you will do something you can never take back. Oh, and your husband knows. He knows by the pain and distance. You will realize you are not hiding these things.

The grass is always greener...that's a famous saying for a reason. Water the side you have. The other side will just die too, if you risk everything going over there.

I really think only horrible people can leave their family, and you don't sound like a horrible person! You sound like a terribly depressed person, who needs help. People run and run, and find themselves at every destination. YOU don't go anywhere. YOU are always there. YOU need help. And there is no shame in that, either. Getting help for yourself and loved ones, is one of the bravest things you can do.

I actually think you are not so much going through a midlife crisis, as you are going through depression.

Please, go get counseling. Ask your doctor for help. You can't do what you "wish" you could do. You would probably end up living in a little trailer somewhere eating beans, and watching your husband get a new wife. On the outside looking in is a sad way to live.

My own grandmother did that when my mom was 5. She had 3 little kids. It was unheard of for a mother to leave her kids back then. She regretted it all the rest of her life. Her older son only talked to her again a month before she died, in her 70's. Can you imagine that? The other son only started talking to her when he was in his 40's. My mom renewed acquaintance with her when we were children - my mom is the kindest woman I know, and because of this, I had a grandmother on my mom's side.

Men might run away from their families, but that doesn't mean that they are happy after they do. They mostly just screw around and use people. Is that what you want for your life? Changing your name won't change you - you won't be a new person.

Go get some help. I really think that depression medication might bring some clarity and some peace for you.

Good luck,
Dawn

I don't know if this a mid-life crisis or not. I do suggest that you're depressed and that counseling and/or medication would help you. You deserve to be happy. Your family deserves to have a happy wife/mother. Please talk with your doctor about the way you feel.

You are not being selfish! I think I understand you. There was a time in my life I felt similarly to the way you describe your feelings. My life was so different than what I wanted it to be. This was back before medication was available. I was in counseling and this helped quite a bit. I began to feel much better once I started with medication.

Talking with you husband, if he's a kind and nurturing sort, might be helpful. You, at least, wouldn't feel so alone. Say it as you wrote it here, without accusation or expecting him to have an answer. Tell him you just want to share this awful way of feeling with him and ask for him to hold you while you cry.

It sounds like depression. I recommend you go to a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and to help you make your life more of what you envisioned, without fleeing the life you have made for yourself. Your family can probably sense this resentment or dissatisfaction and you don't want your children to feel unwanted, so please sort this out. We on mamapedia probably aren't adequate therapy.

Well first let me say, a lot of people don't have the lives that they invisioned when they first "started out". Some people may, but I'd bet most do not. But don't let that get in the way of you being a wife and mother. Think of the pain and heartache you would cause your girls if you left. You owe it to them to stick it out. You are what they know and love!! Have you spoken to a doctor about your feelings? Maybe you could be depressed as well. Do you have a good friend that you can talk to? One that won't talk you in to leaving? I agree with you, that if you did leave, you would regret it for the rest of your life. Think of the life you would have without your girls, and how they would more than likely hold it against you, for the rest of your life. I think it may help you to talk to your husband as well. But tell him in a gentle way, so he doesn't think that you hate him. Maybe he can help you to get through this. I'll be praying for you and that you feel better soon. Hugs.

Well....I don't know you or your situation.
Try to think--really think--about what you would like to change about you & your life, then take some steps to achieve that.
WE can only change ourselves and until you do what you need to do for yourself, you're not going to be any happier--regardless of your situation.
Do you feel like you are not growing as a person?
Do you feel the need to help others more?
Find what "it" is and start making some steps in the right direction.
Sometimes when I feel stuck, I have found that what works for me is giving to others--time, energy, resources, etc.
Good luck!

I remember coming home from my job on the interstate late at night and seeing my interstate exit and just wanna keep going. Sometimes life is overwhelming...maybe your family is in a financial rut or something...but really....you know you can't just leave everything. It would take a certain kind of person to do that....i.e...my cousin and husband and 4 kids were in route from Georgia to Virginia moving back home...they stopped in a store...and my cousin just up and disappeared to be with a boyfriend in Georgia...she never lived with her kids again....they didn't even remeet her until they were grown.....and to say the least....all four of the kids had messed up lives...even as adults.

Hi There,

Are you kids toddlers or elementary school age? I think that raising two kids and particularly in the first say... 7 years is really really hard. I think that a lot of us at some point, get overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed and sometimes re-eveluate what our lives have become and what we wish our life would be. And I also believe that these years are the hardest on a marriage. The kids need so much from you, your husband needs things from you, YOU need things from you... it's easy to feel stretched too thin and want to run away.

If I were you I would seek counseling with a good Marriage and Family Therapist. If your husband will go, I would go together. If not go by yourself. You may need an anti-depressant to help you through, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I know exactly how you feel, mama. I've been right where you are. You can private message me if you like. Sometimes talking to someone helps.

I have gone through this as well. I even had the suit case out and checked the flights to London! Totally irrational but I was convinced this is what I needed to do. Reality finally slapped me in the face and I went to the doctor. I have a thyroid problem. I always know when I'm having problems because the irrational thoughts come again as well as emotions. You don't sound suicidal you sound like someone who would like to disappear for a while. Completely different!

I recommend you go get a complete physical. Make sure that your homones are all okay and nothing is out of whack. Also, discuss with the doctor the possibility of depression. Your primary doctor or your OB can be your friend. Use him/her.

You need to see your doctor. I have been going through the same thing....I thought I hated my husband, wanted to die and hated my life. Mine was my hormones but because of your age yours is probably anxiety or depression. I am now taking hormones and was thinking just yesterday that I couldn't believe I almost threw it all away.

See your doctor asap!

Its doesn't sound bad that you feel this way. You are human and speaking for myself I've got through this before and I'm in my late 20's. We can't expect to plan out our future exactly how we want it. Life happens. It sounds like you are getting depressed and whether you go to your dr or someone professional for help is up to you. Don't be ashamed if it comes to that. From a Christian perspective, I say start praying. Pray that whatever is making you feel bad heals. When things are going good the devil likes to come in and make things bad so he feels like he is winning. Don't let that happen. Be strong and pray for strength, pray for yourself, healing, and know that God loves you and is there for you. He knows your thoughts and feelings so don't be afraid he wont understand.

How old is your youngest? You totally sound like you've got post-partum depression. It can last up to a yr after birth. If it's been longer than a yr since you're youngest, it totally sounds like depression that can be easily treated. Go to your doc soon and talk to them about the feelings your having.

First, marriage is work. Every marriage has ups and downs and you just
work thru them. Sounds like you need to get out of the house. How about
a college course that you would be interested in. Anything to get you out
and away for a few hours. Life does not always go the way we planned.
However, if you have a husband who loves you, a home, your health and
healthy kids. you are in a really good place. I know right now it does not
seem that way. Try everyday to write down the things that you are thankful
for. Maybe once you put things on paper, you will realize you are truly blessed. Better days are coming, but it will require work on your part. Hang in.

I had to go to a counselor for these same feelings, although they were triggered by one, traumatic event. My counselor told me that usually between 30 and 35 years of age, women hit a spot in their life where they analyze their life so far. Sometimes it's triggered by a bad experience, sometimes it happens gradually, sometimes it hits like a rock in the head in just one day. IT'S NORMAL!
As mothers and wives, we are automatically unselfish, almost to a fault. We spend so much time caring for everyone else, we forget to care for ourselves. We forget HOW to care for ourselves. My counselor told me one day, "You need to care for and have compassion for yourself...." I burst into tears because I had no idea how. I agree with the other mamas, talk to your doctor (I went to my OB/GYN since she's a woman) about your symptoms and she might suggest anti-depressants. Counseling, unfortunately, can be expensive. Usually $65 to $125 an hour for just licensed counselors. If you're like me, you'd worry about the financial hit to the family for this. Save up if you can, and do at least one session with a professional. If you think this is something that you can't pay for in the near future, check with your church or local churches to you. Some might have a mamas support group you could attend just to vent and hear with your own ears that you aren't alone in your feelings. Good luck and hang in there!

It sounds like PMS :)
You'll feel better in a couple of days.
We all feel that way sometimes. We would like to be young, single, unattached, with a hot guy on our hand... I totally get the feeling.
Only problem,..... we not.
What you do not want is change. Becoming a mother and having all this responsibility is a huge change in life and huge load to carry. You just do not get to drop it.
God bless. You are stronger than you think.