Messed up Marriage

If I were you I’d secretly talk to an immigration expert and find out what would happen if you divorced. You’ve held out a while, and things are not going well in the marriage, but this news isn’t really much worse than all of the other things that are bad. If the immigration thing is not an issue, you may be entitled to spousal and child support. Maybe there is some exception to the normal immigration rules because he was physically abusive? I say, don’t make a move until you get more information about the legal issues.

Get a consultation with an attorney.
Document everything for now.
Get your immigration issues settled.
I'm sorry.
You have a lot going on.
He sounds like a real prize.

I performed a marriage last summer for a couple, the wife had an expired green card. The husband went from beng a nice guy to an abuser starting on the wedding night. I contacted the domestic violence shelter in our area and found out she could leave him and still get her immigration situation taken care of. I had to write a letter that she had married in good intentions and taht was used as evidence to support her permanant residency. The shelter works with Catholic charities to assist abused women twith immigration issues.

Contact a shelter in your area to see what help they can give you.

I agree with what many said here: don't do anything yet. Collect evidence to prove that he is abusive (emotionally, physically etc) and put a plan together for when you can get away from him. Where will you work? How will you handle childcare? Where will you live? Put a plan together so that when the s*it hits the fan, you will not be stressed out trying to make these decisions. Do all of this before you inform him that you know of his transgressions.
Find out as many facts about your immigration situation as you can - there are people who offer free legal services (Legal Aid) and there are websites out there that can help inform you of your rights in this situation. Learn everything you can before you make a move.
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I have a friend whose husband would find girls online whenever he was away from home (every week!). When she discovered that, she had to get tested for over a year to make sure she didn't contract any diseases! They are divorced now and she is about to re-marry to a wonderful man - just remember there IS happiness in your future!!! The road to get there might be long and hard, but I know you will find a happier time.

Only you know your husband and how he will react to "confrontation." If confronting him about this is going to cause him to be abusive, hide money, or somehow hinder your immigration, then you absolutely must not say anything to him until all that is taken care of.

I agree that you need an attorney.

To me, the main issue, like you said, is his being controlling about how you spend money, while he's out wasting money on call girls. You're certainly not going to have sex with him again.

You're right, concentrate on the kids, don't waste your time on his whereabouts, you don't like him anyway (justifiably).

Yeah, you should probably wait. Make sure you've documented what you discovered, in case you need it. I hope this guy's a decent dad, at least.

Sorry about what you're going through, I'm sure it feels terrible.

Keep us posted.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
First I would not confront him.
Get your affairs in order: open an account in your name only, have the
statements emailed to you not mailed, give your friend's address if you
can, take copies of any documentation you may need then put back the
originals so he doesn't notice them gone.
Get our imigration paperwork in order first.
You can visit a lawyer for a free 30 min consultation (call in the yellow pages of the phone book first to inq abt a free consultation. then have a list of your questions ready)
Contact a local shelter in your area when you are ready so you will know of any help they can give.
Don't worry about forwarding the email to the coworker. Let that all go
for now.
Ask the shelter if they can help w/the housing situation you will need afterwards.
Save any money you can (even sm change).
Best of luck to you. Hang in there & plan ahead.

I am so sorry for your situation. You need a lawyer who is familiar with immigration issues to advise you. I wish you the best of everything...

Honestly, why do you care? If your goal is to have financial security and a roof over your head until your immigration issues are resolved, you should be pleased that he's keeping himself entertained. There's nothing to be infuriated about.

Maintain the status quo, get your ducks in a row, and then get the heck out of there.

I am so sorry this is happening. I can imagine that you are devastated.

I think you should go to the bank and take exactly 1/2 of everything in every checking and savings account. Open an account with those funds in your name only. After you have done that, contact a battered women's shelter and arrange for you and your children to go there. As soon as you get there, get forms from the local courthouse or go online - everything is available on line at www.courts.ca.gov. Look for the forms tab. Complete the forms necessary to obtain temporary custody of your children, exclusive possession of your home, and an order for child and spousal support. You might also want to apply for a restraining order from your hubby since he has been physically abusive.

I wouldn't worry about any confrontations at this point. You probably aren't strong enough emotionally at this point to have such a confrontation.

I think you should leave. It's not even a question of whether to confront him or not. He's been physically abusive. He's cheating on you. Being married is a privilege, and he doesn't deserve it.

There's no reason to wait, on the confrontation, but the confrontation itself probably won't change anything. What's most important is that you and your kids are in a dangerous situation. And you have to get out.