In a family counseling session earlier this week the subject of my husband and I not understanding what moves and motivates our opposite-gender children came up. In essence, both the counselor (a guy) and my husband take it for granted that I am "clueless" about boys (in spite of giving birth to three and growing up with 2 brothers and a dad) and that my husband is equally as clueless about his daughter. I disagree a lot with that premise but I'm trying to be open-minded and the counselor highly recommended the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book as a great read, great for spouses and children, etc.
I thought I had read it already (and didn't think much of it) but I recently picked it up again and remembered that I disagreed with so much of it the first time through that I never finished it. I'm having the same reaction again despite trying to keep an open mind and find some nuggets of insight.
So...if you read it, did it ring true for your perception and experience? Or did a lot of it strike you as generalized drivel? I'm trying to not be stubborn and indignant and open to learning about some general gender differences that are good to recognize and understand, but I just disagree with much of what this book says. It may be that my husband and I take on atypical gender roles (I'm very logical and analytical, mean what I say, etc. and he's more dramatic and emotional, loves counseling and talking through feelings etc.).
Has anyone read any books that offered real insight into gender? I really enjoyed Michael Thompson's "Raising Cain" and would love something as substantive for girls.
It's not awful, but "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (as well as "The 5 Love Languages for Children") is much better.
The book that taught my wife more about me and me about her was, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", but it is for/about adults and not for/about kids.
Good luck to you and yours.
I read it a long time ago and to me it held a kernel of truth, but every person is an individual. It's a bell curve. But I do think that generally men and women are "wired" differently and it sometimes causes communication breakdowns. Understanding the differences makes things a bit easier.
Open minded - think big picture. Not the liberation of the last 50 years. Think 5,000 yrs of Human Nature and Evolution. Natural Selection. We are hard wired differantly. Women choose a mate based on security, ability to provide, keep a roof over the kids head and keep the women and children safe. Men choose a beautiful, kind woman to have and nurture thier kids. Not much has changed in 5,000 yrs.
Human nature plays a role in how we view the world. Women have a differant perspective than men. Not to say you don't have an understanding of the men in your life - but you are viewing them through a differant lens.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Ne...
This book goes more into detail about it and makes it much more clear.
J B, I think most books that try to give insight into the opposite gender are drivel. They are filled will assumptions that each gender can only behave and think in a certain way and "never the twain shall meet".
I wish I had a book recommendation for insight into girls, but I have not read anything of the sort. I do agree with the 5 Love Languages for Children book. It applies to both genders and is very, very helpful.
Good luck in your search! Just because some people like a certain book doesn't mean that it's applicable to all or even most situations, so don't let anyone claim that you are not open minded! It might also be time to find a more neutral counselor instead of one with such a clueless view that women can't possibly understand boys. Sheesh!
There are gender differences. There are personality differences. I have read the book and I disagreed with much of it as well. It is better to look at that book as one person's take on the differences between men and women, and then put the women stuff he talks about on the far extreme and the men's stuff on the other far extreme and just assume that most people fall somewhere along the line between them with most guys tending to be toward the male half of the spectrum and most girls on the female half.
The only thing I take seriously in not being able to understand men or my son is that testosterone DOES play a part in their motivation structure, and since they have so much of it and women have so little of it, it is hard to really understand how it affects them. But you can get some insight into it. Get your husband to read the book WITH you and point out where it is accurate for him and where it is not -- that way you are getting insight into the man who matters most to you.
Good luck!
I couldn't read it because the writing was so bad. I don't even remember what was written, just that it was horribly put together and difficult to follow. Sorry.
Is this counselor your only option right now? Do you have the option of a man-woman team?
I too love the book "Raising Cain"!!
The best book I have ever read that has helped me understand my husband is,"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." I know..I know...the name kinda rubs you the wrong way. But in all sincerity..this book has helped me and our marriage. I have two copies of it because my friends are always borrowing it and I hate to be without it to refer back to. I even asked my friends to write their name in it when they read it...the inside jacket is full of names.
I have seen such a positive effect occur in our home and between my husband and I because I better understand him.
Sooo, I say give it a try! Some of my friends read it without their husbands knowing because they thought their husbands would have "expectations". And in the end...the ladies ended up talking to their husbands about the book and it opened up great dialogue.
There is also "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages."
Good luck and best wishes!!
"Transactional Theory in Relationships". Find this booklet at your library. It's a a little booklet discussing Inner Parent, Inner Adult and Inner Child.
How we as individuals have each of these - and how we communicate to other people. It's from the 70's, and seems to be the basis for "Mars/Venus" and most of the other marital aide books.
I did a quick google - there appears to be a Wiki article - but of course it's down today. So this seemed to be what I was talking about - http://www.transactionalanalysis.eu/the-ego-state-or-pare...
The 50 pages in that book changed my life (that sounds so goofy). But it was very much the instruction manual to me, and other humans.
Get a new counselor!
More than anything else, I always recommend "The People Code" (formerly titled "The Color Code").
It's not about gender - it's about motivation. The premise is that there are four colors that everyone falls into - Red, Blue, White, and Yellow.
The key about this is that it focuses on MOTIVATION not on behavior. So, where Men are from Mars... stereotypes by gender, this doesn't. Gender, ultimately, doesn't matter.
Reds are motivated by power and tend to be analytical, driven, task-oriented, impatient, and can be viewed as bossy, rude, and intimidating.
Blues are motivated by intimacy (close relationships) and are opinionated, caring, emotional, self-righteous, and quality-oriented.
Whites are motivated by peace - they want inner peace and they want to reduce conflict as much as possible. They tend to be easy-going, good listeners, diplomatic, and stubborn (though silently).
Yellows are motivated by fun and are typically talkative, difficult to focus, need a lot of interaction/relationships, and can be afraid of committment.
In our culture, we assume a lot of men are red and a lot of women are blue, but in reality, that's behavior. A lot of men may ACT more red than they really are because that's what's expected of them, but it's not who they are. I know LOTS and LOTS of blue men and lots and lots of red women.
All this to say - if you can figure out what your child is motivated by you can identify how to work with that child. All of these factors are affected by social acceptance, introvert/extrovert, birth order, etc. But, the core motivation of someone doesn't change.
It is a life-changing book and philosophy in how to deal with others - especially those you don't understand or get along with.
I read that book & thought it useful at the time.
Now that I'm older & married, I read "The 5 Lanuages of Love" finding it to
be more helpful. Mainly because it's not gender based. I know a lot of girls that have more "male oriented components to their personality
makeup. It shows that while one person may be more analytical & keep to
themselves another person might be gregarious but need to be alone to
re-charge their batteries etc.
So it is more of a description of a person's personality in order to find a way to better appeal to them/make them understand/speak their language etc.
i personally was not a fan of the book (Mars/Venus)....couldn't really read it...but for men, and the women who love them, it is really, really good - i know i can't believe i'm saying that, but it wouldn't be so bad if your sons read it before they start dating...it really does help boys understand girls, how we think differently, and learn how to treat them well and listen to them etc...my husband is a testament to that : ) and i feel lucky that he read it
"Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin-not perfect, but interesting and helpful, I think in terms of trying to understand your husband and yourself.
the only recommendation i have for you is a book for your husband to understand his daughter, 'strong father, strong daughter'........best wishes
