Here's a Question for the Ages...

There's a book called "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish - great advice and it works for adults as well as kids!

So what is "really good", and communication IS the "basic way." Without it, you have nothing. And no, it doesn't change. Trust me; I know.

Ok... Not only do I work with all men (prototype military truck mechanic), but that's just about all I'm friends with. I do have a few female friends, but they are tomboys like me.

#1- You will never change a man. He will only change if HE wants to.

#2- Men do NOT understand hints. EVER.

#3- If you want their attention, you MUST say their name, loudly... At least once.

#4- Men will NEVER tell you anything unless you ask.

#5- He will never understand what you're thinking unless you explain it IN DETAIL. (i.e. - you're mad at him because he didn't take out the garbage on garbage day. what you need to say is, "I'm mad at you right now. For not taking the garbage out. It is garbage day you know.") And you cannot say it in an angry voice... Because he's already zoned you out.

#6- If you really want to know what he's thinking, ASK!

#7- Men will not divulge any info unless asked for it.

#8- Men don't share feelings.

#9- Men are simple. If they're telling you about their work day... That is all they're thinking at that moment.

#10- You're not expected to read his mind, but don't expect him to read yours either.

#11- He is likely thinking, "Mmm, beer." "Mmm, game." "I need an oil change." "Mmm... Need sex." or "Mmm... need food." Other than that, probably nothing else in his head.

These are basic generalizations. But very common ones. If he has a sandwich, he wants sex. If you've just had sex, he wants a sandwich.

Men are simple. Women complicate everything.

Your question reads a lot like the intro to "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus." My huasband and I read it, and I still refer to this one occasionally. Check it out.

Also, I don't know if it helps, my DH and I finally established a system of, "I don't understand, but I accept." We've discovered that we don't always have to understand each other. He doesn't have any idea why I feel like the house has to be clean before we leave on a trip, I don't know why in the world he feels the need to start loading suitcases into the car before all of them are packed. But we don't have to understand. We just accept. That sort of thing.

Well for my husband having a REAL talk is alot like the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) when it does happen its beautiful, so on the rare occasions it happens enjoy it. thats just mens nature i think. they are tought from young on to "be a man" you know what I mean?

OMG you are too funny girl! Well I think it is not that we can't communicate, but that we speak different languages and spend a lifetime getting fluent in the other's language. Every time my husband and I have communications probs it is usually bc we are speaking differently. SO I think figuring out how he speaks and him figuring out how you speak is super important. Of course, for me this is an ongoing never ending issue that leads me to the depths of frustration many times!!!!!!!! It is so much easier to talk to a woman!!!! But for some reason God made us to compliment each other in our differences. Hey at least he finally opened up, that's progress!!;)

I may be slammed for this, but I sometimes feel that men are really children emotionally - the geneartion that I interact with were taught that showing never mind discussing emotions was not masculine so they never learned how to communicate their feelings. That makes having a real relationship rather tough. I think the fact that he actually showed up was fantastic, it means he wants to try, even if he is uncomfortable with it.

What it takes is patience (which I unfortunatly sometimes lack) and here it comes... really really good manipulative skills. Not in a bad way, but only so you can maneuver around the mine fileds of the disagreemnt so you can figure out what the heck is going on. Once you understand the real problem - which may not be the one he is verablizing - you can start working on making it better...

I've been with men that we just *understood* each other. The eyebrow at a party meant time to go, the nod and look in the kitchen meant something totally different than in the car. Communicating via body language and expression. Sure the occasional long talk, pillow talk, work talk, but the vast majority of our daily communication was by look, glance, body movement.

My husband, however, is a talker. He talks and talks and talks. He doesn't listen, he doesn't remember, and he doesn't *believe* (over the past year I've found out he just assumes I (and every other person) is lying to him.

Personally I'll take silent understanding over pointless talking any day of the week at this point.

Because when you get down to it, that's what communication is; understanding.

Read the book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I just got it and am in the process of reading it. It has tons of insights into men and what they think and want from us women. Good luck!

Jodi said it so well, you can't hound a man into being a woman.

Men don't think or make decisions like women do. Men = black and white. Women = an entire spectrum of colors. There is little to no emotion tied to decisions or answers that men give. If you ask them a question, they will answer it directly. They don't consider how it would or could be interpreted by you, or how it *could* make you feel. They honestly don't know.

It's not a fair way to put it, but you have to dumb it down for them. Simple questions, and then you have to be prepared for any honest answer you get, and to deal with it. They don't know how to react when you start crying about what *seemed* like a simple question to them. Etc...

DH is a great communicator. He's better than I am. And the thing that he pushes for most in our marriage is for me to address things with him BEFORE I get angry or frustrated. Because when emotion enters into it, irrationality takes control and no one gets anywhere. It's worked for us for 11 yrs (and takes CONSTANT practice on my part).

You just have to sit back and really process how and when he's talking to you.

You spoke in a lot of generalities, so it is hard to know exactly what he doesn't do that you feel you aren't getting. One thing you should know, if you don't already, is that men do communicate, but differently than we women do. Once you understand that, you might find that he is communicating more than you realize. It is the same for boys (which will be helpful to know if you ever have a son). Men and boys are more open to talking about meaningful things when it is not the main focus, but when they are physically doing something. Want to know what is on your son's mind? Go outside and play a game of basketball with him or throw the baseball... Want to know what's up with your man? Go ride bikes with him, play a set of tennis, or go for a walk (not a stroll on the beach, but a power walk). It may not be YOUR idea of how to go about communicating, but it is much more your man's style.
hth

I have to say they just don't work like us... They never will. You can't hound a man into being a woman. No, they don't change. If you love them for the good things, you have to love them for the bad things too. That is reality. The things you find cute now can become agitating later... The silence you get now may become a comfortable moment. It is the woman that evolves in the relationship, not the man. It may not seem fair, but it's true.

I'm not really sure what you are trying to talk to him about, but you might just write it down. Look at it a few times yourself to make sure these things are that important because we sometimes put more emphasis on things than is actually real. That's called hormones and OCD.... I know because I have it. Make your sentences into a list of short questions or statements... Give this to him and let him respond. It may take him a moment or it may take him days... You don't get to control when or how he responds.

The other thing... for some reason women think when men are sitting it is the best time to talk to them. This is not true. When a man is still, he is recharging. He doesn't want to deal with anything. Don't take the remote away and don't interrupt his football. Like the other poster said, get on his turf and get active. That is when they open up.

Have patience and GL! :)

You can't change a man into a woman! Talking, feeling, etc...that's what girlfriends are for! LOL
Seriously...is he a "good" man? Does he have good morals and values? Is he a hard worker? Would he be a good provider? Would he take a bullet for you? If "NO" to any of these questions, have him hit the road now rather than later.
Let me warn you--there's nothing that will shut a man down faster than FORCED hashing and rehashing of an issue that IS reality.
They HATE to discuss and analyze, etc. something that is what it is.
Men are not wired the way women are. They are creatures of action. Often they let their actions speak volumes--you just have to start listening in that way sometimes.
What was so extremely URGENT that you needed to talk to him "face to face" and was so unappealing to him that it took him 2 hrs to make a 5 min trip? (I'm wondering if this doesn't involve your previous question about him vacationing with his ex wife?
There are children involved in this relationship. Tread lightly.

Oh, boy, do I know where you are coming from. It has taken me quite a while to adopt this line of thinking but I truly to believe that men and women are wired very differently and thus communication can be difficult. I recently read a book called something to the effect of the 5 Love Languages of Children. It basically says that some kids respond better to touch, others to quality time, etc in order to feel loved and connect with others. There is a similar book out there for married people and I assume it pretty much follows the same premise. It might help you understand your SO better. A book I am just about to finish, "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage", makes some points about marriage and relationships that really make sense to me. One of the points he makes is what you have noted about turning off the tv before engaging in a conversation. The author - a pastor, motivational speaker and musician - includes behavioral research, Biblical stories and his own life stories to illustrate his points. It is a quick read and well done IMO. The book isn't necessarily about us using humor to maintain relationships but more about him using humor to describe/explain facets of relationships. Best wishes to you.

Yes, it can happen. My husband and I have been communicating well for the last two decades.

Please consider subscribing (it's free) to David Cunningham's daily newsletter from www.makingherhappy.com. Both you and your husband should read them, even consider buying his e-book. This newsletter (and forum) deal with creating, building and maintaining strong marriages and relationships and he has dealt A LOT with communication differences between men and women (you can research the newsletter archives). It's made my otherwise good marriage, great.

Good luck.

Check out "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Her overall message is how to build connections. She has a website too.