Marriage Trouble - Daly City,CA

I would try to keep going to therapy for a while, it definitely takes more than a few sessions before it starts to feel like it gets better. I havent been to couple's therapy but i have gone to therapy on my own and at first jut felt like it was getting worse before things started to get better. If you can, try going to at least 2 months worth of sessions before you think about giving up. Good luck to you and I hope things gt better for you all.

Honestly it sounds like you're the kind of person who tries to please everyone and make it so that everyone is happy. I used to be like you when my first was about the age your son is. I was constantly trying to please my husband while pleasing my parents and his parents, and trying to be a good mother all the while. Eventually I realized something. When you try to make everyone happy, you usually end up making no one happy. Least of all yourself because then you feel guilty for messing it up even worse.

That doesn't mean that you just say screw everyone, I'm not going to even try anymore because what the hell is the point (even though that's what I WANTED to say for awhile). Instead you start focusing on what's really important.

1) Be the best mom you can be.
2) Take care of yourself - if you make time for yourself - exercise, healthy living, and doing whatever it is that makes YOU feel beautiful, then you're going to be more equipped to handle anything.
3) Tell your husband you love him. Try not to drag out the emotional weight when he goes downstairs to work. Instead, comment on how cute it is as he's playing with your son. Have your son make an art project for dad during the day. Text your husband pics of your son sometimes when he's at work.
4) If you can do all of the above, then it will become evident pretty quickly who really has the emotional issues in the group. It sounds like you're dealing with a tense group of people. I think everyone needs a little time apart, time to take a few deep breaths and calm down.

No one needs to tell you whether you're a good mother or not. You are one. The only validation you need is from your son. The rest will fall into place. And your parents don't have to like his parents. It would be nice, but no matter how much you mix, you can never ever make water blend into oil. Good luck.

Aside from the family, whom I would stay clear of for now, your problems
just seem to be the normal stuff that goes on in a marriage. Marriage is
work. No one said it would be easy. You are going through some rough times. Heck, I am happily married 36 years, together 40 and there are days
I wonder why. It passes and all is well. We have a great relationship and
family. Based on what you have said, I do not think you should think about
divorce. These problems are solvable, just takes work and in the end very
worth it. Let you family and your in laws work things out themselves. They
should also stay out of your life because they are adding to the stress.

Well the parents need to butt out in a major way! Goodness, are they trying to sink you guys? I know family can mean well but the most important thing right now is you and him and your little man. All that you cited above sounds like normal marital communication problems. Raising kids, figuring out how prioritize each other, him being gone a lot, actually trying to tell each other how you feel without accusation, all that stuff is very normal and is just part of two human beings figuring out how to live in harmony. Counseling sounds good, it can help. I think the number one thing is to cast divorce out the window. Unless there is more than what you put here, none of this is tragic, painful, tough, sure, but divorce material, I don't think so. You promised forever and other than some tough communication issues, there doesn't seem to be much wrong. My vote is to boot out the parents and listen to one another. My hubby is in sales and one thing he always says is 'listening builds trust'. He is so right! We have both worked so much on our listening skills in the past few months and our relationship is at a new level now. The thing to do is to ask your husband a question and listen. Then when you think he is done talking, wait four seconds before you talk. He may not be done! If he feels heard by you and even better understood, you may get a front row seat to some miracles in your marriage. Also, tell him how you feel. Try to not accuse only talk to him. Try 'I miss you so much when you are gone' 'When you get home I feel so lonely when you go downstairs before we talk'. See how it goes! You may be surprised. Wish you the best, hang in there!!

I wouldn't entertain your quarreling parents vs. inlaws. Just tell them you don't want to hear it and stop whining to each other. Seriously, a marriage shouldn't constantly be barraged by outside sources like in-laws and parents, look what it's doing to you. Both of you need to tell both your parents to butt the hell out and to stop communicating to them about things going on your your home. Then, work on the issues within your marriage, and ignore all those other unnecessary forces outside of it.

Kate, I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like a mama's boy, and nothing is going to work if he doesn't put you before his mother.

From your description, he puts his work first, his mother second, and you and your son dead last. That is a bad prescription for a marriage.

Perhaps what you two really need to do is separate so that he understands what life is like without anyone at home.

Have you seen an attorney? You need to. You need your own bank account and credit cards. You need copies of tax returns, bank statements, brokerage statements, your husbands benefits package at work, the whole thing. And you need to put money in that bank account before you separate. The attorney needs to make sure that he cannot drop you and the baby off the medical insurance too.

If he doesn't start changing his attitude, there will be nothing left for you to do but tell him to leave. Get that lawyer. Keep going to counseling. But protect yourself.

It's too bad your MIL doesn't understand that she will slit her own throat on this. She won't see her grandson nearly as much when you two aren't married anymore. What a twit!

Dawn

Can you have your mom watch your son for a weekend and you and hubby go away? Kind of rebuild the two of you.

Then work on boundaries for everyone -- hubby when he comes home from work a little time (with family and you separately). Then draw of boundaries for his mom and your mom/dad. Put things into perspective.
You are a woman, wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law. Okay? Let the outer ring mom, mom/dad know where they stand. Your inner circle is hubby, you and baby. Draw up a plan of what to do and how to do it and stick to it. As others have said, don't involve the outer circle in the inner circle. If you have to vent, find a girlfriend and vent.

Marriage is a full time job and must be attended to daily. Also do you guys do a date night? You need to do it at least monthly if you can't do a weekly.

Good luck and remember not to throw the bath water out with the baby.

The other S.

The bible mentions something about leaving and cleaving. Time to start.

Take a deep breath hon. Those first few years, with the stress of a little one and your husband's travel, are hard but it doesn't sound like all is lost. Keep with the counseling and take it one day at a time. Things can definitely get better but draw on all of the patience you have.

I would caution to you protect your marriage like the treasure that it is and keep all outsiders OUT, like your MIL AND your parents. No more talking about each other, no more meetings, nothing. Just take the high road with your MIL and ask your parents to ignore her as well. You have a enough to work on without refereeing a fight between your parents and your ILs and involving them will just make things harder and uglier than they need to be. Perhaps you and your husband can work on appropriate boundaries with your counselor because it sounds like setting healthier boundaries is something that you can both benefit from.

Hang in there for your son - there is nothing in your post that screams "irretrievable breakdown" to me. Yes you've grown apart and you both have needs that aren't being met but with help, you can refocus on each other and have the strong marriage you envisioned. Don't throw in that towel yet.

I am going throgh a rough time. Not feeling like I want to be inthis marriage. Honestly, things just suck!! But someone said once that just bc you are not inlove anymore does not give a reason to break the committment. C.S. Lewis said something like that. Try to make it work. People make mistakes and life gets ugly at times, but you loved him once, you can find it again

Not sure this will help, but if things don't turn out the way you hope it is actually better that your son is small and won't have any memory about you as a family unit. My son was not even 2 when I divorced and by the time his dad and I cooled off and were able to have a cordial and supportive relationship (AFTER putting everything on paper) he was old enough to enjoy the current arrangement which came natural to him, so he had no trauma whatsoever.

It is going to take work but you need to continue the marriage counseling. Your biggest problem for you and your husband is that you are disconnected and not communicating and not relating. The argument between your parents and inlaws is a separate issue. We are all going to have ups and downs and yep when you first start counseling it seems hopeless but you it does work. If you are committed to eachother and love eachother then isn't your family worth fighting for? It also seems like there needs to be some healthy boundaries with the parents. I encourage you to see the counselor individually and together. Definitely use his/her suggestions and work on it. I hear you loud and clear and have felt the same way...but I love my husband and our family and its worth the fight.

The two of you haven't been in counseling long enough to determine it will not work for you. You both have to be willing to put in the hard work and it is work. Heck quiet as it is kep, a successful marriage is work. Keeping secrets from your husband is poisonous to your marriage and the fact that his mother requested you keep a secret from her son is interesting. Now that you know that you shouldn't keep secrets and won't do so again you both can move forward.

If divorce is an option in your marriage one of you will exercise that option. Try working things out but it will require work and it will require change on the part of both of you. Instead of missing him so much why not try a hobby or learn a trade or build a business. Find other things that will keep you busy. Get some great girlfriends you can talk to because our husbands can't handle how much we have to say.

It took time for your marriage to come to this place, so give it time to get to someplace better.

Counseling can help whether or not you stay in your marriage. Whether the two of you are married or not, you will need to co-parent your son. Counseling is intended, partly, to learn to communicate better. Life can be good for your son, or not so good for your son, based on how his parents communicate and work together in his best interest - whether living in one household or two.

First, though, both sets of grandparents need to be DIVORCED from the raising of your child. They are way overstepping the bounds of grandparents here. That is something else the counselor should be helping you both with.

Somehow the two of you need to become a united front against his Mom. She has a right to her opinion but she needs to understand that it is just that an OPINION, not fact - not law. It soundls like she wants to stir things up and if not control all 3 of you at least be able to control her son.

Counseling will help you to learn the tools to better communication with yor hubby and how to form a family unit independent of your parents and his parents.

I don't see your not telling hubby about the incident with is mom as keeping secrets. He was out of town on business and couldn't do a lot about the situation. And he had to be able to consentrate on his work.

I had a MIL like her. I got so sick of not being respected and being told what to do all the time. When we went to visit I would read a book and simply ignore her. When it was time to go I maked my page, closed my book and put it back on the shelf, when we went back it was there for me to pick up again.