In Laws & Marriage

I have a good friend whose marriage nearly bit the dust due to bad in-laws. She took their 3 year old daughter and moved back home (halfway across the country). Her husband held out for about 3 months and then came crawling back to ask forgiveness. She still wouldn't let him move back in! He had to get an apartment nearby and win back her trust and convince her that he could really put their little family first, ahead of his crazy mother. Anyway, he finally got his head on straight, they got back together, and now it's 15 years and 2 more kids later! So it worked out in their case. But even so, his crazy mom STILL tries to cause drama! Apparently, she called recently and told her son that he had to choose between her and his wife. His response: "Mom, I already chose, 15 years ago!" Good man. But I know they really had their struggles getting to the happy place they are today.

ALMOST!

But when my husband married me...I became his number 1.....not his mom.
So, thankfully....we are still toghether. And everyone is happy.

I lost what I thought was going to become a marriage to future in-laws. BUT, ultimately, it wasn't their fault, but their son's. If husband & wife stick together, there's nothing the inlaws can do. If hubby can't stand up for his family, then I think things can become unbearable.

EDIT: Based on your previous question however - regarding your terminally ill father in law & your husband spending time with him - PLEASE support your husband during this time. He might not be going about it the right way, but losing a parent IS a big deal. I think a lot of the initial responses you got here assumed (myself included) that you just have some nosy in-laws who constantly butt into your life. But it sounds like you have a very special situation on your hands. It's very h*** o* you as well, obviously, but do try to tackle this as a team, even if that means that you have to play a major supportive role right now.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know lots of posts said that in laws can only interfere if you let them, but that's not always true. In my case, the in laws have made a horrendous mess of their life- financially mostly. We have and will have to pick up the pieces. Yes, it's their fault, but no, we won't let them live on the streets. But the balance of how much to help is a real struggle. So in this case, all the boundaries in the world won't help. Hopefully this is not the case with you.

If hubby needs to enforce boundaries, maybe go at it in a different way than you have been. Maybe he needs to feel more supported. As in, "it must be hard to feel a separation between your parents and you, what can I do to make this transition easier for you?". Yes, he needs to put you first and your marriage first (not sure if this is your issue), but it's fine to support the effort and that he is obviously have a hard time for some reason. At the end of the day, if he picks them over you, that's a deal breaker (I'm assuming). But recognizing what is keeping him back is important. We did struggle with how to make our marriage primary, it's a process. But it's possible with some work. Good luck to you.

I suggest that the in-laws can only put as much pressure on a marriage as you allow. You and your husband need to set boundaries together. If necessary stop visiting with them.

It becomes a matter of how you and your husband make decisions. If you cannot agree on boundaries with in-laws then I suggest getting counseling. The problem in not your in-laws but how the two of you problem solve.

I just discovered and read your other post. You are in a terribly stressful situation. I've had parents dying and yes, I did put them first. Fortunately I wasn't married and so could more easily do that.

I urge you to find a way to come at this with compassion. It's natural for your husband to devote much more than normal attention to his parents. Try really hard to not take it personally. And be supportive of his efforts knowing he's in a place of deep grief.

Find a way to let him know what you need without being critical of the time he spends with his parents. They need him, big time, now too. Work together to find a way for his time to be shared with both households.

I strongly suggest that if you're able to empathetic to your husband and his parents' needs that you will be able to get past this. Yes, it doesn't seem fair but it is what it is. Find a way to accept this temporary situation.

What is your relationship with your parents like? How would you feel if it was your father dying?

You said: " I have tried to set boundaries but they are not being respected by husband. "

So your answer is this: The problem in your marriage isn't your interfering inlaws...it's your husband.

Inlaws can only interfere if one of the people within the marriage are allowing it. If he won't stand up for himself, you and your marriage...he's the problem.

I really don't think it is the inlaws as much as it is about your husband's love for his father.

He could have said things better than he did. What hubby did was lash out in frustration and in fear. He is a scared little boy in a big man's body right now.

All he can see is that fact that his dad is dying in front of him and he can't do anything to stop it. All he knows is to care for him the best he can. He feels and knows in his heart that you are there for him. Right now he is in the forest and cannot see the trees or light on the outside. (I have been there.) The weight and the darkness have consumed him and doesn't have an exit plan at present.

Do your best to weather the storm. Remember the bible says that the trials are what make a marriage or relationship stronger not the good times. It is what you do now that will help and heal in the future.
If you decide to move on you maybe the one that will be looking back at the what ifs when he goes and marries again.

Revisit this situation after the dad is gone. Talk with him with love and let him know how he made you feel. You maybe surprised that he is very ashamed of what he did to you and will do his best to make it up to you.
Marriage is a work in progress every day and communication is the key. Sometimes we as women are doing 90 percent and sometimes we are doing 30 percent and the balance is being picked up by the other spouse.

Look deep down in your hear and soul and find a good spot to be happy. It is going to take a while to get over the hurt and pain caused but you have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Remember there may have been a time or two you said something to him that caused him pain and he gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I know raising two small children without hubby being there but not being there is not fun. Try being a military wife with husband deployed or away for a year. Be thankful for what you have and not what you don't have. This too shall pass.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

The other S.

PS I thought many times about leaving but it wasn't my inlaws it was me and what I thought was about the "me" and not the "us" in the relationship. I stuck it out and have a wonderful marriage. Sometimes we have to drink the Ripple in order to get to the Champagne.

You and your husband are a family now, and you are a team. Its unfortunate when in-laws cross the line and they don't realize what a negative impact they can have. Especially if the inlaws are not willing to listen. Hopefully, you and your husband band together, approach them together and it will all work out. But sometimes it doesn't always work out, we tried to set boundaries, but they still did whatever they wanted. We had to cut ties. Hopefully your outcome is different!!

I nearly did. I recused myself from anything having to do with the mother in law and told my husband he could have a relationship with her but I would not...but I also didn't make him feel bad about his involvement (this is a case-by-case thing, of course...if the involvement is causing the issues...). Eventually he told my MIL if she couldn't play nice, she couldn't play at all because once I stopped fighting back he realized she was the one lobbing grenades in my camp. Incidentally, she's very respectful of me now and we have a fairly good relationship.

Updated

I nearly did. I recused myself from anything having to do with the mother in law and told my husband he could have a relationship with her but I would not...but I also didn't make him feel bad about his involvement (this is a case-by-case thing, of course...if the involvement is causing the issues...). Eventually he told my MIL if she couldn't play nice, she couldn't play at all because once I stopped fighting back he realized she was the one lobbing grenades in my camp. Incidentally, she's very respectful of me now and we have a fairly good relationship.

If you and your hubby put YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST, they can't tear you apart! Your marriage has to be the priority - not the in-laws or parents.

One of the hardest times in our marriage was when my husband's brother was dying. It changed my husband and killed him inside. He was a wreck, and even though he figured out how to cope, it's 11 years later and he's still not the same man I married. We only had one newborn at the time.

Recently, we lost my father-in-law after a very rapid decline in health over less than ten months. It was incredibly difficult, and this time we had three children all old enough to know their Nonnu was dying. My husband idolized his father. On the surface he handled things in the end well, but he's devastated and he didn't handle the final ten months well at all.

His mother needed him. His sisters needed him and he needed them. His father desperately needed him. For months on end, he was helping care for his father and the kids didn't see him much. We fought more because of the stress and tension, and I knew that I had to turn my eye away from most of his harshness because it just wasn't him. But his father legitimately needed him, as did his mother and sisters. He had to take on that responsibility.

I just had to remind myself that when the time comes for me to need consideration for my siblings and parents, he'll remember my patience and how I encouraged him to go. Our normal boundaries were lower than usual, but that was all right. I knew it wouldn't last forever.

I also had to remind myself that watching my husband care for his father and mother and sisters the way he was throughout that entire ten months the way he did, the way we all supported each other, broken boundaries and all, was teaching them through example.

I know he recently said some things that hurt your feelings and I hope you got over them. Even though he said them in anger, he had a right to feel that way. He was right to put his father, his parents, as a number one priority right now even if it means you're not comfortable with a certain seeming lack of boundaries right now. When your FIL has passed away, when the funeral has passed, when the initial mourning period and shock of it all has passed, the old boundaries will go back up.

Back before we were married, my husband's parents tried to come between us. For a while, it was an issue, but what everyone is saying is true. It doesn't sound like you're losing your marriage due to in-laws, you're losing it because your husband won't respect the boundaries you set up when it comes to his parents. In-laws can only do so much to interfere if he has YOUR back. I think some marriage counseling might be in order.

Bethy:

No. because it's MY/OUR marriage. NOT theirs.

I don't give MY parents permission to control/pressure my marriage. Neither does he. Why are you allowing it? It's OKAY to say NO! It's okay to tell them - please, butt out. this is our marriage. You can be polite and respectful. And it's OKAY to give them boundaries.

If your husband is NOT on board with this? He might not have cut his aprons strings. I would suggest marriage counseling so that you guys can learn how to communicate and get on the same page about YOUR marriage. It's yours, not anyone else's.

What works for me. Might not work for you. But it HAS to work for YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE!!

I understand that you are very hurt and upset right now. I would be, too. Try to recognize that what he said was said in the heat of the moment. Imagine the pressure he is feeling and how enormous this burden is.

This is an incredible burden for you as well. Do you have anyone you can turn to? Parents, siblings, friends? Anyone who can take some of the burden off you?

It's so good to hear that you've been supportive. I encourage you to continue to be so. You won't regret it.

It sounds like you and your husband could use a date night. If you've both been under all this pressure, some time together to just laugh and enjoy each other's company might be just what the doctor ordered.

Hang in there!

Yes. My husband and I ended up in counseling for over a year because of his family and they live over 200 miles away. I was ready to walk. There are still days I don't like dealing with him/ them because of it. But, counseling helped me understand his perspective and it made me understand things a lot better. It also helped me understand why it made me so crazy. You might consider it, if you haven't already? We are in the southwest suburbs and have an excellent counselor. Let me know if you want his info. Good luck. It sucks! :(

i understand what you're saying - but i think the first question is not accurate. it should say "has anyone ever lost a marriage due to husband?" - NO ONE can get into your marriage without being allowed in, and we can each only control ourselves - if your husband is unwilling to set boundaries and follow through, you're in for a tough time. i went through this for quite some time with my husband, i was finally fed up just after the birth of the 3rd, and took my own advice... i told him that if he couldn't set a boundary with his family, i was going to set one with him(meaning i was heading out the door), i had never threatened leaving/divorce, i was very calm when i said it - things changed VERY fast, i still have nothing to do with my MIL, it is as though she doesn't exist - she is no longer a bother to me!

Of course that's why my husband doesn't see his family anymore. They are all bitches!!

From the little you've described, I'd like to suggest that your problem is with his parents, not him. HE needs to respect the boundaries. Sorry. Have you talked to someone (counselor) about this? Maybe if a third party pointed out his errors, he'd accept it?

Almost.

We had to move away.

It is exhausting to set up and try to enforce boundaries all the time. My MIL wants to be inbetween every relationship. It is sick!