Marriage on the Rocks - San Francisco,CA

Wow! I was upset with my husband for not helping out around the house more during my last pregnancy. This is unbelievable!

I will admit, I am a hothead. I must commend you for not grabbing the nearest blunt instrument and laying him out (especially when he made his threat to find "friendship" elsewhere.) You don't inspire him!?! Well, you inspired him enough to help you make three babies. If being a husband and a father doesn't inspire him to man up, you may have to accept that there is no hope for him or your marriage.

In the meantime, understanding what is going on will help both of you. (Admittedly, at this stage, I'm much more concerned for you than him.) A lot of men feel emasculated when they've had difficulty with work and providing for their family. There is a transference of emotions that occurs where they associate all the negativity of their life with the woman who bears the children, literally bringing into the world these creatures he feels obligated to take care of. If you are a SAHM, there is the added business of him feeling like he works so you can enjoy the close relationship with the children and them with you and he is left out in the cold. If he hates his new job but feels tethered to it in order to provide for his family, that could be a source of great stress for him. No excuse to treat you the way you described, but a step on the road to understanding.

Talk to him. Tell him you understand and appreciate how difficult it has been for him and how he must be struggling with his place in the family. Tell him what it means to you to be a wife and have a husband.... have a very sweet and loving monologue on the subject. Conclude with asking him to search he soul and figure out if being a husband and father has lost it's value to him.

If he is a decent fellow, he will break down in tears and unload whatever it is he's been keeping pent up and being a jerk about. Otherwise..... I would be talking to a divorce attorney. Blunt, I"m sorry, but true.

First of all, it is not your job to inspire your husband. That should come from him. He sounds depressed. Sound like the loss of his job and the move and a new little one has him over his limit. However, that is no reason to become nasty with you. Has he done this before? Is this a new behavior for him? If so, talk with him. Tell him you want to make a happy home but that he is part of that happy home as well. He needs to be engaged. If this is not a new behavior then regardless of money you need couseling ASAP.

Not all counseling costs. Try a local church. Many pastors with formal education are trained to do couseling.

I would not let him place his feelings on me. Each person needs to be responsible for their own happiness.

Alcohol is a depressant so plying himself with that poison and then spewing that poison on you with his drunken words is not acceptible and this is where tough love should come in.

First start by taking care of yourself and the baby you are carrying. Then proceed to strenghten yourself. You have to fight impending alcoholism since he seems to be self medicating and help you and the kids to be healthy and strong simultaneously. This won't be easy but it does take a village. For the support of your marriage and life and living get all the help you need because you really need it.

Try to relax, do it for your baby and yourself.

I don't want to say this because your pregnant but just by reading your post there are a few signs here that you need to pay attention to.

* HE SAID "that he is largely unhappy because I don't inspire him at all."
* I don't talk about the things he is interested in.
* I never open up.
* I am not creative enough with him --- ((( in his mind --- maybe he is referring to the bedroom. )))
* If I don't change NOW he is going to find "friendship" elsewhere.

For me, I think that he has a woman co-worker that he is looking at / talking to.
I really can't stress this enough, there is no man that is worth the stress of hurting your baby. So please try to find peace and relax and let him be.
I am SOOOOOOO Sorry that he is doing this to you. I wish I was there with you so that I could handle him for you. I WOULD PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE!!!!!!!
For your baby, your kids, and yourself - go be with family and don't return until after your baby is born. Right now you need LOVE, KINDNESS, AND SUPPORT.

I wish you the best.
Take care.

I am really sorry about all this, it sounds like somebody needs to get sober, quick. I wish I had some really awesome advice for you, but the best I think you can do is take care of yourself and be prepared to move if he gets aggressive toward you or the kiddos. He is blaming you for all of this and just sinking fast in his own issues, I am very sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is to watch someone you love go through this. Whatever he says or does right now is just an outpouring of this junk raging in him, it's not a reflection on you. Pray for him and for your life together. You can't control him, the quicker he sees that you are just going on with your life, the better for him honestly. He is using you as a punching bag bc he can and he probably has so much pain inside he is just lashing out, but it isn't about you. I would suggest separation if it continues like this. I am not saying divorce or anything, but do you have family or some good friends you could stay with? There is no reason for you to take a front row seat to his personal down fall. Maybe realizing he is losing you and the fam will snap him into reality. Just do what you need to to take care of you and kids to the best of your ability. Hang in there....

Find a church to do counseling for free. Expecting that sex will automatically turn your marriage around is ludicrous. Read Ephie's advice again! She is right on!

I am sorry that you and your husband are going through tough times. I hope you can find someone to help you!

Counseling IS an option; look into your local government... ours gives family counseling for little to nothing. Definately start there.

This sounds similar to when I was pregnant with #3. It wasn't easy until recently (meaning, it's going to get worse before it gets better), but after baby hits about a year old, you guys will start feeling 'normal' again.

Start with counseling. That's what saved us... that, and the willingness of both of us WANTING to be together and stay together as a family. The key to a happy healthy marriage is ALWAYS putting the OTHER person first.

It sounds to me like its the stress of everything he has had to go through, loosing his job, being unemployed, finding a new job, and maybe not liking his new job or someone there giving him a hard time or harassing him. Stress makes you do strange things. If you are adding to his stress, by telling him "No", then change your behavior. I'm NOT suggesting you make love to him just before you go to the delivery room. You know what you are capable of. Part of a man's self esteem comes from knowing his wife loves him and values him and values his contribution to the home. One way to show him you love him is to make love to him. (This is not just me saying this. Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It was also stated in, "Total Woman", now out of print . . . and numerous other publications.)

You say he doesn't help. Tell what you want him to do. NOT, "I want you to help around the house." Tell him, "Would you please take out the trash for me." "Would you please change Billy's diapers?" "Please make PB&J sandwiches for Sam and Pat and give them a half glass of milk." Then give him thanks for what he does. Have you told him "Thanks" for him finding a job with benefits and economically supporting you and his children?

Develop the Attitude of Gratitude. It will help BOTH of you.

Abstinance does NOT make the heart grow fonder. Good luck to you and yours.

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Okay, the no job thing will put a marriage on the rocks QUICKLY. My husband was out for 5 months last May-September and it nearly broke us up. I wasn't pregnant either! So to add that stress on top of the no job/tight money situation, of course things are going to be bad. Try counseling, or even just getting a night alone. You two need to TALK about what you want. It doesn't sound like you don't want to be together, just that things are really hard. Don't give up if you don't want to though - that's what makes things so much better when you pull out. Hang in there, mama!

My heart is going to out to you. My advise is to try to take care of yourself first by going to a local church. EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT RELIGIOUS, find a nearby church, ask to speak with a womans group at the church. There are women who have been through what you are going through and will help, even if it's just to talk. I think helping yourself now, b/4 the baby comes will help with the reminder of the pregnancy, help with the stress of being a mommy to your other kids, then finally give you perspective on your husband and understand your next move. I think once you realize that someone is in your corner, you will find the strengthen to keep moving forward.

Read The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Its a controversial book and although I don't agree with it 100% it gives great insight on men and how they think and what they need. good luck.

it sounds like the two of you need to reconnect. i know it's hard with two kids and one on the way, but is there any way you can get someone to watch the kids for you? you and your husband can go to the park or take a walk. something that's free. pack a picnic and go on a family picnic. lay off a little on volunteering at your sons school and go home and rest. after the kids go to bed at night, let your husband lead the conversation about things that he wants to talk about. talk to him about these things. it's hard to know what the two of you are interested in as you didn't say, but stay on top of current events. there has to be something the two of you are interested in together. my husband and i don't like the same types of movies, but if i find a good comedy, we will both sit and watch it. we dont' enjoy the same books, but we watch the news and talk about that. we talk about gardening and what we want to grow next fall and what we have now. we talk about the economy, religion, etc. we also talk about the kids, and i ask how his day was at work. he asks me how my day was and what i did, etc. you don't need counceling all the time. yes, sometimes it necessary, but many, many people have and do make it without it. my husband and i got into rough spots while i was pregnant do to hormones and after the babies were born, but we worked through it without any help. we are now stronger. i think the best thing that my husband told me was for me to tell him when i am in a mood that way he knows and can watch what and how he says things so that i don't get carried away, and vice versa i know that in the mornings, he's a total grump. i'm sorry that you are having such stress right now, and i hope that things work out for you.

Stress can create and manifest in someone so incredibly that they begin to take on a different personality, and say things that they wouldn't have said if any given situation is different. Your situation is entirely stressful, and seems entirely impossible for you to be creative, inspirational, and communicative. Ultimatums aren't something that your husband should be giving you right now. It's entirely not fair. Your first priortity is taking care of your children ,and yourself! If you want, I can look up services that might be available to you. Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to, or who might be able to help out? It sounds like you need a safe place to refocus and relax, at least for a couple of days.

No advice, just wanted to send hugs to you!!!

I have had a really difficult past 7 months since our second child was born, I can't imagine you, pregnant with your 3rd, and all the rest you've been dealing with. For me, I decided that divorce was not an option, but my husband treats me very well. I try to see this as just a phase and a tough time, and hat it will get better. Try to imagine yourself a few years in he future, and see that it will work itself out.

Hopefully your husband will stop being so selfish and mean and come around. Was he decent before all of these stressful things came up? If so, hold on.

Anyway, you've gotten a lot of good advice. Think of what's best for you and your kids for now. Hugs to you!!!

p.s. Do you have family/friend's supporting you? (Emotionally supporting, I mean. :)