Listening Problems

When my boys were younger I made them repeat what I had just told them. It seemed to make them actually stop and think about what you told them to do. I'm not saying it always worked but seemed to help most of the time. When they are busy it is pretty easy to just tune out what Mom says.

He's manipulating you. The way to avoid yelling and getting angry is to act way before that point. He's four so he has full comprehension and self control. He's extremely good for his age and has no ADD and ADHD. You want him to learn to respond to your normal spoken word and not make you repeat yourself a thousand times. So you let him know the new rule: he does not ignore, and he responds.

Thereafter, you give one warning, and enforce a firm consequence (calmly, you're not mad) with the second warning. Pretty much all kids go through an ignoring phase. My step sister (mom of 6) would always go to them on the second warning and put a hand on their shoulder or make direct eye contact as the "Last chance to respond" contact warning.

If you are consistent in enforcing this, he will then get in the habit of naturally responding on his own. Don't allow it. And as for the scolding you for discipline?! Nope. Same thing, but it shouldn't come to that. Be sure your tone is instructional during his consequence so he knows his firm consequence is a result of his actions, which he had a choice to change, not because you're mean or mad. Not that you need to excuse yourself to him, but the message is that his choices and actions bring his consequences just like in life.
Be firm!
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating. My four year old may have ADD (not so hyper), but I have not had him tested. He doesn't listen very well, but it seems like he is so distracted more than insubordinate. Anyway, I found myself yelling constantly to get anything accomplished with him. It seemed like the only way he would put forth the effort to reign himself in and execute my directions. So I told him I was sick of yelling, and from now on I will ask once, give one reminder, and then it's a four minute time out if he doesn't do as told. The time out is for not listening. It actually works. My husband times him and counts loudly and dramatically. That works as well, but I can't go around all day counting at the top of my lungs for every little thing!
It will go something like this:
"Honey, put your cars away, they are all over the floor"
five minutes later (he has made no effort)
"Honey, this is your reminder to clean up your cars. If I have to ask you again, it'll be a time out because you aren't listening to me."
It always works! If not, he's in time out. Then he has to do the task.
Also, when I told him we were going to start doing this, I explained that it is because I love him and don't want to yell at him. I told him that I don't want to put him in time out either, but I need him to do as I ask. And, this was going to help him learn (better than me screaming at him). I think he got it.
Hope this helps!

When you give him your instruction, do you tell him from across the room, or do you make a point of connecting with him first? If the latter, try this:

Bend down to his eye level, touch his arm or shoulder as you say his name, and pause until he's looking at your face. (If he can't do this without noticable discomfort, then he probably does have a touch of some neurological deficit or other, in spite of his negative tests.)

Tell him clearly what you need from him, and ask him to repeat what you said. Then, in a cheerful and positive voice, give him a time limit, and ask him to come and tell you as soon as it's done. If you're asking for a multi-step job, like cleaning his room, break it down into shorter, clearer "bits." If you merely want him to stop playing with a toy, ask him to choose an alternative toy/activity, and tell you what that will be. If he's already focused on the no-no, he may need you to help him find a desirable alternative. This turns the bane of too many "don't do thats" into a more positive "yay, do this!"

When he does anything you want or appreciate, even small or fleeting moments like getting up right away to deal with a task, make a habit of noticing and commenting (NOT manipulative over-the-top praise, just a positive comment). He obviously values your high regard, and this is one way to give him opportunities to earn the pats on the back he desires.

It is usually helpful to give advance notice when you'll want him to do something differently, so he has a little time to make the necessary emotional adjustments. "Five more minutes, and then I need you to _______." Then, "One more minute playing with that toy, son." And if you can make the new activity sound appealing, or playful, or satisfying in some way, all the better.

Since he sounds like a pretty sensitive kid, you might do best using an approach that incorporates lots of empathy for his feelings. This is not pushover parenting, it merely lubricates the many potential friction points in a day, and makes it more effortless for both your son and you. Find out more by googling "emotion coaching."

And the marvelous book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish is oozing with real-life examples of how parents make positive, empathetic connections with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the practical lessons to work. This is simply the best, most effective parenting book I've ever read, and I have read a bunch.

I raised two kids by myself and believe me, they thought they could listen when they felt like it. They knew if I had to raise my voice enough for them to hear me, I was getting mad. They didn't cry or say I was mean because they knew they'd pushed me too far. In my opinion, all kids will try tuning us out.
This is actually a pretty easy thing to try to correct.
You don't have to repeat yourself a bunch of times.
You need to make a rule with him, and with yourself, that you will say something once. If he chooses not to "listen" to you, there will be a consequence.
Here's the trick.....
Make eye contact with him, ask him to look in your eyes and at your mouth when you speak when you say something and ask him to repeat exactly what you said.
I started that with both of my kids when they were really little because it alleviated them saying, "I didn't hear you" or "I didn't understand what you meant".
You say it one time, they repeat it one time and the choice is theirs from then.
The other thing I did was have a sense of humor and whisper things under my breath like, "Hmmm, I wonder if we should have cupcakes for dinner."
You can bet their hearing worked just fine in those situations. And I would call them on it. Not in a bad way, but they knew I was on to them as far as selective hearing.
Just do the "listen to my words and repeat them" with a one time rule. Tell your son you will not say things over and over and you will not yell or raise your voice anymore. You will make sure he understands and then he will have a consequence if he doesn't follow through. Be consistant.
Little kids are heart melters, for sure, and when they cry we start feeling bad, but they're pretty smart. They know how to tug on our heartstrings. They also know how to prolong things they don't want to do.

My kids tried every trick in the book so I just had to be one step ahead of them as a single mom.
Talk to your son. You don't like raising your voice either so make a game plan of agreeing to listen to each other. You can also repeat what he says to you. "I know you want to ride your bike in the house because it's too rainy to ride it outside, but we don't ride bikes in the house. I wish it wasn't rainy and yucky out, but it is, so let's find something else for you to do."
It's worth a try.

Best wishes.

You had some good responses in terms of discipline. I would suggest reading some of the books on logical consequences. The Love and Logic series is one. If you can find one, they even offer parent trainings on Love and Logic. Some kids also respond to parent given choices. It helps with control issues if kids think they have some choice in the matter. You are giving choices that are acceptable to you of course. This can be exhausting but less exhausting than fighting and yelling.

I can empathize with you. I have a strong-willed son who is now 8. It will get better with time and consistency on your part. The biggest thing that I can suggest is to 1) make sure you take care or yourself and have some time off for yourself so you can be at your best when you discipline him. You are right kids feed off of parents moods and behaviors. 2). Realize that he will listen when you are consistent about following through with whatever consequence you choose for noncompliance. It may take time. If you find yourself repeating yourself than you need to think about your actions. If you are repeating yourself more than twice without a consequence than it is too much. 3) Try not to take it personal. I find for myself that when I am tired or taking what he says as directed at me than I am more likely to yell or lack consistency.
4) Connect with other parents with small children - you will find that your son's behaviors may not all that uncommon for many kids at least in some point in their development. It is how parents choose to respond that makes the difference. I wouldn't consider myself or siblings hyper as children but my mother always swore we had selective hearing when she was speaking to us. 5) Pick your battles. Think of what will be important in the whole long-term scheme of his development, health, and safety. Some things aren't really worth the battle. 6) Try to figure out what the trigger points are. Is it all the time or certain times of day?; Are there certain things that are consistent issues? I know my usually compliant daughter is less compliant when she just wakes up or when she needs to eat. Some kids have issues over things that involve control over their body like car seats, going potty, or dressing. Some kids need more help with transistioning to a different activity - consistent routines and 5 minute warnings will help them figure out what comes next.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

very 1st thing which jumped out at me: wow! He's only 4 & you've had him tested for ADD/ADHD? You consider him hyper, but teachable....& sometimes you discipline him to the point that he feels you're mean.

While this may truly be a case where he needs to learn "how" to listen to you.....let's flip it & think about ....maybe, just maybe.....you are a little tooo demanding of him? You are describing normal toddler/preschool age behavior which needs to be turned around.....but not stuff which is the end of the world! What is beyond control is that you end up yelling at him! Which really makes me think that this is a case of you needing to learn "how" to teach yourself before teaching him......

Harsh words, but it truly seems as if you're stuck in a rut of making demands from him - for example the "outside toy" scenario you mentioned: if it's an outside toy, then why does he have access to it? Create a home where he can succeed in your life & rules. Monitor him closer.....not just passively, but play with him. When he moves from one activity to the next, teach him how to properly transition from one activity to the next. By investing this time - in a peaceful & more tractable manner - he will learn life's lessons without even knowing it! In other words, be proactive in how you teach him.....not reactive with the yelling for him not listening!

& as for the "not listening": children respond better when you are eye level & touching their hand/shoulder/etc. You have to be "in their face" to get their attention, you have to make them understand that you expect compliance, & as soon as you see noncompliance or deviation from the goal at hand.....then you immediately step in with a calm/quiet reminder - before moving to the punishment end of the process. But, remember he's 4 & will require your prescence to be able to succeed!

& when dealing with children, you should never/ever let them see you sweat! Instead of getting louder in your requests, try getting quieter! You will be amazed at the difference!

I have a couple more thoughts: is the tv on? If so, turn it off. Use music to help build listening skills. Does your son attend preschool? If not, then it's time to do so.....& I mean an actual preschool, not a daycare. It's time for him to learn to listen to other adults before moving into KG! Good Luck!

Did you see specialists for the evaluation? If it's just a pediatrician, it's not a reliable evaluation. If specialists ruled out ADHD, did they just give up from there? You really need specialists such as a child psychiatrist or neuropsychologist to do a full evaluation, because there are a lot of conditions out there similar to ADHD that could be what you're facing. Also, could it actually be a true listening disability? If things are extreme, it's not normal, so you need to find out what the situation is and how you can help your son.

We have a son with ADHD and I've learned not to discount feelings that something isn't quite right. Keep pushing with the doctors until you get some answers. At the very least, they should be able to send you to some appropriate parenting classes that can help you deal with the defiant behavior. That's what Kaiser had us do early on in the ADHD evaluation process.

Good luck!

That is so crazy that this is the first thing that I read when I came in this morning. I had an awful morning with my son today. He's 3 (will be 4 at the end of April). We were screaming at each other over the fact that I asked him to put his boot on and he wouldn't. We had to leave...I had to get to work. He was just refusing to do it. I usually tell him I'm going to take something away and that will work...not this morning. I didn't know what to do either. I was just yelling at him and he was it time out yelling and crying. And like you said he will be completely cooperative other days. I have a couple of theories....I think he might be going through a growth spurt (either physically or mentally/emotionally) and it's "messing" with his normal behaviors. Or he hasn't gotten the proper amount of sleep. I put him down between 8 and 8:30 but fights it so much...comes out of his room numerous times. Or he "feeds" off of my mood. I was thinking and stressing about money a little this morning and maybe he picked up on that. When I feel as though I'm at my "wit's end" I take a time out myself :)...I had to go in my room, lock the door and take a few deep breaths. Hang in there! Just know you're not alone :)

I feel your pain. My 3 and a half year old son is the same way. Sometimes I do get frustrated and yell and him and all it does is make him cry and tell me I made him sad--so horrible. For a while there he would not respond to my requests at all if he didn't want to stop doing what he was doing/do what I was asking him to do. But now he's moved on to "But I don't WANT to!" I am not sure which phase is harder, but it's just that--a phase. Preschoolers are stubborn and he's trying to exert his independence. All you can do is step back when you start to get annoyed and just take a breath and calm down. Crouch down and look him straight in the eyes and tell him in a quiet, but firm tone what he needs to do. If he chooses not to do it, then do an appropriate punishment to let him know you mean business--time out, take away the toy, etc. I did want to add, that I do NOT think he sounds like he has ADD or ADHD whatsoever. He sounds like a 4 year old. I think it is very sad how many children are diagnosed with that in this day and age. I find it hard to believe that that many children truly have it. I think kids are just being kids. Good luck!

get his ears checked. this may or may not be the cause but from what you are saying it sounds like he is trying to please you. and gets hurt you get upset. but if he has an ear infection or something he honestly cant hear you. I wonder this cause you have to constantly yell at him. which upsets him. My son is hard of hearing and we have to constantly yell also. yours could be as simple as an ear infeciton. where mine is constantly hard of hearing we dont know if its temporary or permanant yet.

does he talk in a loud voice???? does he have problems following directions kids with a hearing problem will. is his speech normal???? can you clap behind him and he will respond to you?? mine wont. is he excessively loud when he plays???? just some things to consider. not being able to hear wether hearing loss or ear infections is not disobediant its they cant hear. even though it will seem they are disobediant because they are " normal" in all other senses.

Okay, well, you have to stop repeating yourself. I know it's hard and we all want to give our kids the benefit of the doubt, but you're letting him get away with this behavior. This is his way of acting up. He's way too young be testing him for ADHD, this is normal preschooler behavior.

I really like Parenting with Love and Logic...the basic idea is that you make your child accountable. Give directions one time and expect them to be followed. If they aren't, provide a logical consequence. If he's playing with something you don't want him to play with tell him to stop playing with it and put it away. If he doesn't, take it away. If he throws a fit, put him in time out.

You're not a terrible mom, you're just frustrated, and rightly so. It's hard to be the strong, consistent force but you can do it and it will make both of you happier. Your son needs to know what to expect from you. He needs to know that if you ask him to do something you're going to require it be done immediately or he will have a consequence. You can't get mad (even if you feel mad on the inside, don't let it show) you just have to set guidelines and follow through. Praise the good times and when he does soemthing right away, make a big deal out of it. You can stop the yelling and make it better! Hang in there!