My 6 Yr Old Daughter Won't Listen Until She's Yelled At!

Is she ignoring you or does she really not hear you? Try noticing if you have to talk as loudly if she is faceing you.She may have a hearing problem and has learned to use what hearing she has and also read lips and facial expressions even at her age.

Great suggestions already. I've also got to start using them and not yelling. I have a friend who said even if her son is facing her, he doesn't fully get what she says, unless she is holding his hands. He needs the physical contact to fully tune in.

A.,

I recommend to you, the book "The Compleat Parent," by Nancy Van Pelt. Or, if you can find such a thing, a guide to child rearing from a Mennonite author. (You do not have to subscribe to their religion to appreciate their success in raising children of high and well-balanced character.)

Directly to your problem: It is a classic, which is not your daughter's problem. It is your problem. You have conditioned your child to not obey until you blow your cool. That is the signal to her that you really mean business. You need to provide her a new "last warning," before consequesnces.

What is it that you do AFTER you yell, if she does not listen to you when you yell? Just skip the yelling and go directly to that step. While you are at it, skip the repeated requests which I will bet lead up to your yelling. Just request ...once... and immediately punish non-compliance. Soon (and very soon!) your daughter will learn that your calm quiet and polite request is the last chance she will get to comply before consequences occur.

Let me illustrate with something which happened with my 15 y.o. daughter, Amy, just this week. She was allowed to visit her friend across the street for an hour. After 75 minutes, I called her friend's number, but got no answer. So I called her friend's dad and asked him to tell her to come home. She came home just under a half hour late.

I calmy told her that the next time she wanted to go over to her friend's house, she would not be allowed to do so; AND that the next she was allowed I would call the contact number early in her visit. If no answer, I would ensure that visit was cut short. Then I smiled, gave her a hug, and told her that I love her. She KNOWS that I love her, just like she KNOWS that I will follow through on my promise to punish her.

Now, I know there is a big gap between 15 years and 5 years; but, barring a significant physical or developmental disability, your almost-6 daughter is highly capable of hearing and immediately obeying your whispered directions. My wife's grandmother raised 7 children. Even after the kid's dad had passed away, all it took from mom was a raised eyebrow, to immediately terminate bad behavior. That is old school, but still illustrates what is possible, based on the behavioral expectations the parent sets.

Several things you should know before implementing this plan:

1.) NEVER threaten a consequence that you are not willing and able to implement. You are making your child a promise. Do not break your promises, or else your child will not be able to trust anything you say.
2.) NEVER request something of your child unless you are willing and able to implement consequences if your child picks that time to disobey/ignore.
3.) NEVER make a rule that you are not willing and able to enforce consistently. Again, keep your promises: build trust.
4.) NEVER give your child something for which they are crying.
5.) Remember that delayed obedience is DISOBEDIENCE.
6.) Do not use corporal punishment, except as a last resort. There are lots of little punishments which will suffice (like not getting dessert). Save corporal punishment for the time when you draw a line in the sand and say, "Do not cross the line!" and your daughter looks you firmly in the eyes while stepping across.
7.) Remember: You are not your child's friend, coach, buddy, etc.: You are, first and foremost, their parent. You can give lots of love and provide structure to your child's life; or you can give lots of love and provide no structure. Your child will love you, either way; but she will feel more secure and have a much happier life if you train her to obey immediately, upon your first request.

I hope that helped. My prayers and best wishes are with you as you fight the good fight.

Hi A.!
My husband and I have also struggled with this with all of our kids in some way. This is what we do now- ask them or tell them to do something- ONE time and if they don't, there are consequences. We were tired of getting angry and also, decided that we were doing our kids more harm than good by continually yelling at them. This requires ACTION on our part- sometimes taking time from what we were doing in order to deal with the problem. If you administer a consequence before you get to the point of being angry, you will find it very effective. Consistency is the key and she must understand that you mean what you say!

Hi. She sounds alot like my 6yr old girl. Very sensitive, but very stubborn sometimes. My 4yr old boy is not much better, but not quite as sensitive. My daughter also has had trouble focusing at school sometimes. (Listening to the teacher and not the kids around her, or remembering directions) My theory is she focuses on what's going on instead of what needs to be done. I haven't found a solution for this yet besides reminding every morning to listen and pay attention. But I did want to share this with you.....
Last year I had laryngitis for about a week. The kids would start their usual fussing and fighting. Unable to yell at them, I would have to whisper at them to stop. Immediately, they would stop and listen. And sometimes they would whisper back! Very amusing, but it got me thinking. I would periodically try when they were seemingly not listening to me. It's worked every time. Though I probably don't try it enough. Maybe they get so used to drowning out everyday conversation, they don't notice something unless it's in a different tone. This may not work with yours, but it might be helpful.

Being extremely smart, she might be in a stage where she's processing extra stuff, so she's distracted easily or kind of in her own world. This will probably pass.

For now, get down on her level and establish eye contact. You might want to also touch her shoulder or her arm to get to this point. Then, say, "There you are," and continue by saying what it was you wanted to say, like "put the toys in the bin and put on your shoes so we can go to the store," or whatever.

Don't finish your sentences with "...okay?" because this confuses children. It sounds like you're giving them a choice, and so if they choose to say "no," parents get mad because it's not a real choice, and this heightens conflict. It sounds like your daughter needs a minimum of confusion and conflict right now, and instead needs extra patience and support.

I got all of this from Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline (she means that it's hard for parents to know how to discipline their kids - not that kids are so difficult). It's a great book. So is Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child. Highly recommended!

Good luck!

L.

this is normal behavour and you have been given good advice. Use the time out sitting in a chait in the corner and ignote the tears. The tears is to give you a guilt feeling and get ones way.

Does she hear well at other times (when not facing you)?
Have her ears checked. M. W

It is called manipulation,lol. My daughter same age does the same thing and though she is really tender hearted she knows when to throw those tears to get her way . do not give in and make sure she knows not listening or selective hearing as my mother called it is not appropriate!

put her in timeout with out yelling at her or send to the room with no toys not in her bedroom but a room or anywhere that she need to sit down and think what she did wrong of course u need to explain before put her for time out and tell her to come when she knows whats wrong and can talk about it. yes it takes time but eventually it works

I have a six yr old as well. We started having some behavior issues with, not serious issues, but still yet...we were yelling a lot as well. I started a "Quarter" system with her. If I catch her being good I give her a quarter. I don't limit the number of quarters she can earn, but usually I have to catch her helping her brother or doing something nice for somebody, etc... sometimes I will give her a quarter for helping with dinner or watching/playing with the baby while I make dinner. Then, if she misbehaves she has to give me a quarter. At first, I had to take several quarters. But not anymore. As soon as I say, stop or no or come inside or time to go .... she says..."yes mam" WOW!!!!!

Good Luck :)

Hi there. I'm not even going to pretend to know what to tell you to do, since my kids are 2 and 5 months! But I have found a website that has tons of great advice on rearing children. It's www.nogreaterjoy.org I have found it super useful so far. Hope it helps!

Because you have taught her that she does not have to obey until you yell that is what she is doing. If you teach her by spanking her immediately when she disobeys that is what she will respond to. You are teaching her obedience for HER PROTECTION, because of LOVE.
B. Smith RN CCM

I could be wrong...
but you may have unwittingly created a pattern of this.
I personally did this with my oldest daughter.

It goes something like this:
We ought to tell them one time, and when they don't obey, we calmy administer discipline/consequence of choice. (Always calm--we want to model self-control and not codependency.)
When we warn and warn and warn, it gives us too much time to get angry. Then we get up and do something about it, because our anger compells us to do so.

So then the child knows that we're not going to do anything until we yell...they have learned that.

If this is the case, it can be remedied.
To fix it, you must become a 'one-time-teller'. Tell her one time, period. Then, if you are certain she has heard and understood you, and she still isn't obeying, take action immediately. In time, she will learn a new pattern, and that you mean business...the first time...with no yelling.

Praying for a new relationship between you and your daughter : ) It can happen!

Blessings,
H.

Try reading the book Soft-spoken Parening by Wally Goddard. He's a family counselor and works for Univ of Arkansas and is amazing. He teaches the psychology of kids and how to reason with them and teach without yelling. It helps a ton!
http://www.amazon.com/Soft-Spoken-Parenting-Ways-Lose-Tem...

I have read that seven is sometimes sort of like adolescence--a time of growing independence and some rebellion. I remember being yelled at a lot at that age myself. So perhaps you can take comfort in knowing it's a stage. Also, perhaps giving your daughter increased responsibilities--as a reward for her being more grown up now--would help. Letting her do a few things by herself that you used to supervise, giving her an allowance (perhaps as payment for chores)--those sorts of things.

Is there any reason that something recently has caused her to not hear as well? Allergies, sinus trouble, infection of any kind? If you even suspect this, have her hearing checked. If you are sure that is not a hint of the problem, sounds like you have a good handle on her personality. It very well could be transitioning from little girl to big girl and testing the boundaries. The other advice you have so far is good. The eye level practice, the repeating, etc. She may also be reacting to a 3 year old brother who is not as independent as a 5/6 year old and using this method to capture your attention. Watch those tears. Little girls, precious as they are can really be drama queens, especially if they see it works on the adult in charge. Oh, you can't help but love them and I know it breaks your heart to see those tears. This may be possibly some reacting out at home of something she has picked up at a daycare or school situation. My next step would be the kitchen timer, as in "honey, mommy needs you to ......., I am setting the timer for 5/10 minutes so you will have time. When the timer goes off, I know you will have done a good job. If you cannot help me with this, you will have to go to your room for 6 minutes, not get to watch TV for 6 minutes, be in time out for 6 minutes, etc. You must learn to do what mommy asks." Then leave it alone for the set time. Let her see you set the timer. When the timer goes off, be strong. Follow through. This worked so well for us when our two were little, years ago. Consistency and not expecting more than they could manage from picking up their toys to getting ready for bed or naptime makes it work. We probably began this practice when they were less than 2. Kept me on my routine as well. Good luck, girls and boys are so special. After rereading your comments, children who are extremely smart really are, she probably has figured out exactly what is going on and knows exactly how far she can go. Let her know she is not the one in charge. However, do be sure she has enough to keep her stimulated and not be bored. Also remember, the smart ones get so involved in what they do like she really may not hear you at first and that is her being so focused on what she is doing, not a hearing problem.

A.,
Have you tried doing time outs with her when she gets that way? If not try sitting her in a chair or in the corner for a couple minutes, say 5 minutes, explain to her why she is having a time out and don't discuss it with her or argue with her about the why. Just let her know you are not happy about how she is acting and that for her misbehaving she is having to answer for her doing wrong with a time out. The most important thing is to be consistent. The yelling is not a good thing to get them use to, I know it's a VERY hard thing to not do, but kids learn how to ignore yelling at a young age. Plus all it does is make your blood pressure get up...lol. So my suggestion would be to not yell or argue with her, just calmly walk over to her, take her hand and sit her in a chair and explain that she was doing wrong and that she will have a time out to think about what she did wrong.
I hope this will be of some help to you.
Chella

Hi A. W.
If you are like me that yelling gets old and it drains you and in the end you are more upset and hurt than she is. I know I've been there and actually did it last night. I had tried the talking calmly; the mother/daugther conversations; the daddy/daughter conversations; the family conversations; the reward system; spankings; taking things away, etc.
One thing did seem to work better than all those however. At one point I tried the "Mama Doesn't Care Game." In this game things that I would adamantly care about (as HARD as it was) for 2 days I acted as if I didn't care. I told my daugter who was 7 at the time that if she didn't care enough about me and my feelings to do things w/o me having to yell at her, then I didn't care. So when she asked me what I thought about things, my response was "I don't care." When she asked me lie down in bed with her at night, as hard as it was, I had to say no because remember, mama dooesn't care today. And while it was hard, it sure beat the heck out of yelling and getting my blood pressure up and it was a lesson to her to let her know I have feelings and to let her know how it feels when people don't listen to you. Keep trying, something will work. Keep the faith.

First of all, you discipline your children BECAUSE you love them, not in spite of it. Secondly, I think you are going to have to follow thru on something in order to get her attention. Children "don't mind" being yelled at (even if they cry about it) if they know they don't get any real consequences. You don't need to promise not to take something away... DO IT! Take something away, revoke a privilege, make her miss an event she was looking forward to. You are allowing her to do what she wants, get yelled at, and then things go on. If you want her behavior to change, you are going to have to punish her. You don't have to yell; just tell her calmly that she will lose _____________ if she does __________ again. When she does that behavior, take the thing away. You have to have some "bite" behind your "bark" or she will never listen to you. Much better to solve this now than when she's sixteen and can run off. =-) She will love you and know you love her because you have cared enough to help her become a better person. We aren't our children's friend, we are their parent. Besides, children are happier when the lines are clearly defined. Good luck!

Kids respond to actions. Physically remove her from the situation, swat on the bottom, give a time out, take away a toy, whatever your method of discipline, use it BEFORE you get to the point of yelling. Stop asking/telling her multiple times, tell her what is expected and what the consequence will be and then DO IT! What she has learned to understand is that you don't mean it until you yell, which gives her that much more time to continue the behavior and no reason to listen until she hears the verbal cue that you are serious. Also, make sure you are consistent about directing her behavior and asking her to do things...if you don't care whether she does it or not, don't ask. If you ask & then do it yourself when she doesn't respond, she will again think that you don't always mean it when you ask/tell her something.

Oh, so it's not just my almost 7-year-old doing this. And...its not because of repeated tellings either. She gets one warning and then a consequence, but she could really care less about the consequences until you yell at her...that's what she hates most. I've taken away computer games and cartoons of any sort. I've taken away swimming time, we've tried time outs in a corner or in her room sitting on her bed, taking away whatever the offending toy or product at the time was, taking away v-smile when she's into it or has a new game...but yelling at her really upsets her and she'll stop whatever it is only when yelled at.

M.

PS...I really think it's a phase, but because she's been so rebellious lately we've started going to bed a bit earlier and eating a snack as soon as she's getting home from school to see if rest and food help with her behavior because 90% of the time that's when she acts up.

this is going to sound nuts. but my oldest grand daughter does this too. yelling and talking done no good. so when she throw fits, i would too just like she was doing. talk about suprising her and halting her in a stop when i acted like she was doing. it may or may not work for your child. also if i had planned something to do with her, i would warn her twice and explaine that we wont go and she done it for the third time, i would cancell the plans. and i would sit her on the couch and put on cartoons and tell her to sit there til i said; for her to get up. be firm and stick to your guns but do the best you can not to yell. believe me i know that is difficult. good luck. cc in okla.

WOW! You have gotten some GREAT advice already! Just remember, you are the adult. You are modeling the behavior that you want your daughter to use. When you yell, she is learning that in order to get her way she should yell. That won't be much fun for you to hear that she has been doing in public (school, other people's homes) and will certainly not win her any friends in life! That thought helps me refrain from yelling at my kids (some).

Also, FOLLOW-THROUGH with what you instructed her to do. HAVE A CHORE LIST that you can refer her to instead of always having to bark commands. That way YOU are not the bad guy, it's just on the list and you ask if she has done everything on her list. Tie it to rewards, but be sure you check her work. If you don't check, she is taught to do sloppy work because it doesn't matter anyway. If you are physically present and walking her to the chore to be done she won't have much choice but to go with you and you won't have to yell.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the books the others referenced. They are all wonderful (I've got shelves and shelves of such self-help books)! GOOD LUCK. You are on the right track.

Several responses tell you to take action after calmly telling your child once what you are wanting your child to do. There is a book that is called 1 2 3 Magic effective discipling through 12 years of age. I am sorry I do not remember the author. It tells you how to effectively do the time out discipline. The hardest part is for you the parent to be the one who changes. It is simply become a habit to yell and raise your voice. That has to stop for this kind of discipline to work and your family will be a lot happier.

In my opinion, yelling doesn't work. It only escalates the situation on both sides and makes you both feel bad. It is also ineffective as far as teaching good behavior. Try getting down on her level eye to eye and talking to her. When you ask her to do something, ask her to repeat back to you what her task is and then have her come back and tell you when it is accomplished. It may be time to introduce a star chart to her for tasks, or school work. The things on it need to be age appropriate and if she struggles in some areas, try to do the task with her side by side. She will need to see it, in your face that you believe she can be capable of accomplishing things. If she doesn't do what you ask of her, then maybe she won't get a privilege. The key is that she earn privileges. So many completed tasks or good behaviors may mean she gets to pick out a video for the two of you to watch or something like that. For things like back talk and bad behavior, try time out-One minute per year of age. Try complimenting her on good behavior when she talks nice or asks for something in a polite way or is nice to her brother. Put your focus on noticing good behavior. Get Dad on board to reinforce what you do. Good luck. She may need some one on one time with you. But try to be consistent in your methods, even if it's exhausting.

Could it be a hearing problem? If you are certain nothing medical is involved then I would make her repeat your request of what you are wanting to do. Make sure she knows the consequences if she doesn't do it (even ask her what happens if you don't do it). Tell her then that it's her choice to have a nice/calm mommy who doesn't yell or a yelling mommy who needs to sound mean. I hate yelling too and I wish I could say it didn't have to happen sometimes but when I remind the kids that if they just do what they should .. no yelling is ever involved. Tell her it's all about making good choices, even with minding.