Lack of Desire After Having Babies

L. -

You need to see a doctor TODAY. This is beyond depression. You need help.

Sex should NOT be painful and these feelings your are having are NOT healthy feelings, especially given you are pregnant.

Please call your OB/GYN and tell him/her that you need help. You are suffering from depression and detachment. Ask them to help you find a therapist.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I really am. If I could hug you right now, I would!!

L. listen to wild woman. It is not just normal depression. You may have some post partum stuff going on. It is usually diagnosed early but it sounds like you have some medical issues other than depression also. Go talk to your obgyn doctor and ask for a referral. I went thru something like this when my middle son was 6 months old. Didn't think I would ever feel normal again. Baby screaming all the time, pregnant with another one I hated all the crying, hated my husband didn't want to be touched, didn't want to touch anyone it was awful. But it only took a couple sessions with the therapist and a couple of weeks of good sleep and I was a new person. It happens a lot.

It's always a good idea to start by ruling out any medical conditions.
Sex should not be painful for you!

That said, if you honestly think that as a wife and mother you should be "staring at him for hours" with "goo goo eyes"? Yeah...that's a problem.

Women have much on their plates: cleaning, cooking, laundry, working, being a partner to their husbands, child care, sick kids, diapers, bathing....
Doesn't leave too many hours for goo goo eyes, does it?

Does your boyfriend help? Around the house? With the kids? Because if he doesn't? You'll frow resentful and your feeling of alienation will only grow.

Maybe you could use some couples counseling?
You say you KNOW that your relationship is causing your depression, but people can't always see the forest for the trees.

Good luck.

" I give him what he wants".
Well, in a perfect reciprocal relationship - he should be giving you what YOU want too - so some hugging and snuggling should not be out of the question.
No infatuation lasts forever - that's just the 1st stage of love.
In long term relationships desire has some peaks and valleys.
A healthy relationship has more than just sex to keep it together.
Doesn't he care that giving him what he wants causes you pain?
Talk to your doctor and see if there's anything that can be done for some pain relief.
Try some couples counseling.

What a terribly sad story. Why did you get pregnant again? I don't understand. I assume you didn't mean to, but really, another pregnancy is the last thing you need. I cannot imagine that you are going to even stay with him, the way you talk...

PLEASE, get yourself to the ob/gyn and talk turkey. You need help physically and emotionally. Maybe the ob/gyn can help you with the physical issue, but you need a therapist for the rest.

Please don't just continue with this as is. This is the second man you've done this with. It's crazy to live like this. GO GET HELP.

I think Wild Woman is right on the money. It doesn't sound like it is your boyfriend/relationship which is getting you down. It seems more likely that you are having postpartum depression, combined with the hormonal issues of being pregnant. If I were in your position, I can imagine feeling a lot of fear, wondering how I/we are going to cope with another little one. This seems like the time for a talk with your OB/GYN and a referral to a counselor. Sending you good wishes, and reassurance that there will come a time when this phase is in the past and you will feel joy again.

Very common. I recommend talking to your OB about depression. Your body is going through a lot of changes... Uncomfortable changes, physically and mentally. Its hard to want to be intimate and feel pleasure when you're just not comfortable or rested. I can just speak for me... But I had a very similar period of feeling disconnected after my first daughter, then from time to time depending on what stage of subsequent pregnancy was going on. Seemed like the second trimester my hips and back did hurt like hell for a few weeks... Then it got better, and later third trimester was just all around too uncomfortable.
These times didn't last too long and eventually past. However, it really helped to be honest and be like. You know, no way... Not today. I'm too uncomfortable. :) Having been heard and respected was quite a turn on when I was feeling better. :)

So you would like a hug or a cuddle. I get that. I think when pregnant, that's probably all I was interested in, until I hit a very hormonal stage where I was chasing my husband. But yes, for the most part - all I wanted was a hug or a cuddle. How about a massage?? :)

I don't think that's totally unusual. I had a baby and was pregnant within a year, and I was exhausted. Drained, tired, zonked, you name it. And I was working too .... Sex was the last thing on my mind. It's not that I didn't find my husband attractive or didn't love him, but I would come home and flop on the couch and take care of my little one and want to go to bed.

I was lucky. My husband understood this and didn't take it personally. Talk to your boyfriend. If he feels rejected, you'll feel guilt, and end up just having sex to appease him - which is no good. If you're not aroused, sex will be painful. When I was pregnant, my back and hips ached. Some of this could be pregnancy, some could be hormones .. but it's worth checking with your doctor.

As for the depression, well moodiness comes with post partum and then on top of that, you're also pregnant. You've got a lot of hormones going on. I was very down after my first baby - for quite a while. I was overwhelmed and felt like I didn't have a handle on things. I also felt my husband probably thought I was terrible at it (although he didn't really, that was just my fears). Tell your doctor about it. Some of it sounds pretty normal, but if it's extreme or really wreaking havoc with your relationship, it's worth talking to your doctor about. They'll be able to advise you. They know the questions to ask. If you could benefit from counselling, they can hook you up.

I would say, the fact that you would like a cuddle and hug from your man is a good sign. That to me suggests that you still are interested in him, and want to share love - you just aren't up for sex at the moment. I've been married a long time, and I can go through spells where I'm just not in the mood. Sometimes it's because I'm zonked, stressed, winter blahs, you name it. Having the pressure taken off you (so you don't feel you owe your husband) is huge. It's very hard to feel anything real if you feel pressured.

How about you just talk to your guy, suggest a break for the time being (even a few weeks),give yourself a break and schedule a visit with your doctor.

If your man's not understanding, then he needs to come around. If you can get a break from the baby and go out for supper, or go to a movie, that would be great - it's a good way to see each other outside of all the baby stuff.

Good luck :)

It can be normal.
It has happened to many friends & family members.
However, I would go see a doctor AND a counselor to rule out anything
serious.
I would try spend quality time together first like going to lunch for an hour
to try & revive basic connections. It can happen.
Then you need to make sure you're getting rest as you have little ones
AND are pregnant.
If it's depression, seeing a counselor will help.
Having a child w/someone can change things w/a partner
Also, our bodies change w/pregnancy, delivery & aging.
Be sure to take care of yourself w/exercise, rest/sleep, good eating &
seeing a counselor.
Know that relationships change. You may not get the same feeling while
kissing that you did when you first met. So you connect in other ways:
spending time together, doing things together (walk, bowling etc.),
creating family memories together, intimacy).
Change your expectations w/the chagne of aging, time & your always
developing relationship.
First you get healthy/happy.
Then work on one other thing at a time (motherhood, relationship etc.)