Am I the Only One Who Is Not Interested in Sex?

I don't have time to read all the answers, but my best advice is this - let him have sex with other people. Not an emotional committment, just sex.

Dan Savage says it best, "I don't understand why some people insist that sex is just so unimportant, but won't let their spouse do that trivial, unimportant thing with someone else."

Good luck.

I'm with you too! Although we try to do it at least once a week. I honestly think it went downhill once I had my 2nd child (5 years ago) and went on birth control. I am thinking about bringing it up to my doctor at my next appt. I never had a huge drive though either. I think everyone is different. You either want it or you don't. I work full time as well an by the time I get home and take care of the family, once I get to bed, I just want to sleep!!! Good luck, I hope things work out for you!

I would say a vast majority of low-to- no sex drive is due to adrenal malfunction. This is a physiological, not a phsychological problem- that's why therapy doesnt change anything. It would be like talking to a therapist about a failing root canal and expecting that to make the infection/pain stop.

Low testosterone occurs when the adrenal gland is not working properly.
That causes low sex drive in both sexes and also impotence in men.

You should have hormones checked. Check adrenal gland by doing a 24 hour saliva cortisol test. If a doc wont order it, order it yourself through ZRT at the canaryclub.org site. Low or high adrenals do NOT only affect just sex desire- they will eventually affect the health of your whole body: your heart(palpitations,racing heart, heart attacks), kidney(diabetes and blood sugar swings), liver, metabolism (wieght gain around middle that cant be lost), asthma, hair loss/balding, night sweats, red face, ....permanent organ damage years down the road. People with low sex drive typically have leanings toward what i just described, known as cushings disease(high adrenal cortisol output). Google it for total of symptoms.

The adrenals can also swing the other way (low output) called hypoadrenalism or Addisons. This can affect testosterone and estrogen levels also. It causes dizzyness, fatigue, inability to sleep well, inability to concentrate, low blood sugar(anxiety, dizzy, anger/behavior issues,nausea,breathlessness, chest pain) food allergies, puffy face, arthritis,( especially knees, low back,hips, ankles, toes) migraines, salt and sugar cravings, middle of night waking, etc...google for more symptoms..

One doctor said 80% of people have some form of adrenal problems. The adrenals are the most sensitive organ in the body to toxic buildup of pesticides, heavy metals or bacterial infection. Shock, blunt trauma, tic bites, urinary tract infections, meningitis, strep, concussion, can all cause
adrenals to fail.
Email if you want more info on treatment. I DO NOT sell any treatments.
I know of these issues because of the illness in my family(2 people).

You are NOT alone in feelng this way and I can totally relate..I have a 5 yr old and a 9 month old and sometimes I just view sex as "one more thing on my list of things I need to do before I can finally go to bed". Not very romantic, but totally honest. Me and hubby barely average once a week and I would sometimes be happy with LESS. I get so IRRITATED with mine during sex (when it DOES happen)....I'm literally lying there irritated by his style of kissing, his talking (if only he would just SHUT UP and get it done), how long its taking. I know he would be happier if it were more often or if I showed a little more interest, but.....I don't even know how to make that happen. I think most women go through this phase (or at least I'm hoping that they do so moms like us don't feel like such freaks of nature).

I have been through these times in my life too. I know that the more exercise I get the more willing I am to be interested and often it ends up t be positive for me. Realize that for men sex is not an option. It seems like you love your husband so you really have to be with him as a loving partner - show him you love him - respond with your mind and your body will follow. Intimacy is a time in your marriage when you can really connect at a deeper level - and even if you don't do it because you're in the mood if you're making your husband happy it's a good thing for your marriage. For men it's such an important way for them to feel loved. Do you make your husband his favorite meal from time to time, or fold his shirts? Do you shop for his favorite snack or desert? Well - he'd rather have sex with you then have his shirt folded, or his favorite meal made. Personally I don't understand it - but that's the way they are wired.

As for me, my fantasy is two men - one cooking and the other cleaning...! Maybe I'd have the energy to get horny then! HA!

I havent read the other responces so sorry if this is a repeat.

I would get your hormone levels checked to rule that out. I also have no real desire to have sex. I don't think that you need to have sex just to make your hubby happy but also it could be a deal breaker for him.
My levels are off and I am now going through more testing to see what I need.
My Hubby is really good about it.

you need to fix this.
when we deny sex to our husbands, they will all of a sudden be tempted elsewhere. all of a sudden, that sweet, pretty coworker is going to look awefully attractive.

talk to your doctor about hormonal issues. talk to your doctor about emotional issues. is there thoughts in the back of your mind that somehow sex is wrong or dirty?? talk to your doctor about that.

you are GOING to lose your husband if you dont get in gear here. i GUARANTEE IT. and not the easy way, where he just leaves you or you mutually decide to separate, im talking hes going to CHEAT on you, RIP your heart out and stomp on it. im not blaming you, im not trying to make you feel bad, but you CAN NOT expect your husband to just go without sex. doesnt it feel good? doesnt it help you bond to him? if those things arent happening, you need to change something. you need to figure

you NEED to listen to some of mark gungor's information that you can find online. and you have to understand it. we women, we need the romance. right? dont you love to be snuggled, or romanced? isnt that what we women live for in relationships? isnt that what we want most from men? well, for men, their need is sex. yeah, it sounds stupid and very "un feminine" of me to say that, but its true. a man wont feel like putting an effort into his marriage unless he is getting his needs fulfilled. what you are doing is putting him and you at a perfect standoff.

listen to mark gungor. go on youtube, go to his website, listen to his radio show and the archives of his radio show. look at the tags underneath some of them and pick some that just say "sex" or something, and see if theres any questions that have been asked that are similar to your problem. im going to almost guarantee that there is.
in fact, here you go. the link to all of mark gungor's shows that have been tagged "sex". theres GOING to be something there that applies to you. in fact, todays episode talks about "If marriage is a sexual contract, can 2 people live together without having sex and it not be a sin?"

its a start. educate yourself. yes, you do and should "force" yourself to please your husband sexually. at least once a week. you will figure out the problem. think of it this way, you have a THREE MONTH OLD!!! low sex drive is TOTALLY normal at that stage!!! so start from scratch. you have a low sex drive because you have a three month old and 3 yr old to take care of. busy moms are usually stressed and dont feel like having sex. i know i dont! and i only have one almost 4 year old! but i do it anyway, and usually i end up enjoying myself.
another tip: the more you have the more you want. what is the most often you have had sex in a week? try going for it every day if you have to force yourself at all, you might as well force yourself every day for a week. not only will this SUPERGLUE your husband to you while you figure it out, this gives you the opportunity to see if you can CREATE a sex drive.

something else to think of: what are you thinking about during sex? are you thinking about your to do list? are you thinking about money? are you thinking about the kids? are you thinking about your mother? are you thinking about work or whatever? STOP IT. LOL. start focusing on your husband. have him blindfold you and run a silk ribbon or feather all over your body. turn on the lights, but no one is allowed to make a sound. if you normally have sex ____ way, then flip it, do it the OPPOSITE of how you normally do it and see (if you usually do it in the dark turn the lights on, vice versa). start paying attention to your body, what your body is feeling, and FOCUS on it.

maybe you have ADHD and cant focus on it. talk to your doctor about that.

the best thing about this situation is that you REALIZE its a problem, and you seem to WANT to change. THAT MEANS THERE IS HOPE!!!

one last thing; involve your husband. tell him what hes doing or not doing that isnt working for you. tell him things that WOULD make you feel close to him. if possible, go for a really nice dinner out, and some necking in the car or something. there is no husband in the WORLD that doesnt want to please his wife, especially in sex! tell him exactly and specifically what you need to get you in the mood, whether its a massage, him reading to you, whatever. figure out what can get you all emotionally ready and mentally ready, so you can be more physically ready.

to end this: like i said in the beginning: GO TO YOUR DOCTOR and rule out hormonal, emotional or other physical challenges that might be causing this. theres nothing wrong with needing and getting help for emotional, hormonal issues. you are a mom of 2 kids! thats a LOT of work!!!

i hope something i said helps you and i hope you arent hurt or offended. you do realize that none of us posting on here really know your situation and all the factors that are involved in your life. so when we say something that doesnt work for you, it doesnt work for you. toss it out (mentally) and move on. dont get upset at us, or hurt because of something we say .
but its important to figure this out.

the thing that i just noticed too is that you say "If I don't fix this problem soon my marriage is in serious danger of ending, which makes me really sad."
really sad. thats it? it doesnt make you devastated?!?! it doesnt make you want to do everything you can to keep this marriage together? if i felt like my husband might leave me, i would be BESIDE myself with greif, even before it happened. it would spring me into ACTION with URGENCY. that sentence alone makes me think you might have a depression issue that you need to get help for. you sound very apathetic where ending your marriage is concerned, and for that reason alone you should most definatly see a doctor about getting some counseling. its not your fault if you have depression, it might even be post partum depression which is SO COMMON because of the hormonal changes you go through after having a baby, and the exhaustion that comes with it. please please please, for your husband, for your children, for YOU, get some help. dont accept a doctor saying "you'll be fine" - get help. even if you have to see another doctor to get.
oh yeah, get some vitamin D3. that might help. ;)

me either!!!!!!!! not only do i have no interest, it actually turns me off!!!!! but i think mine is more because i had an affair and after that the sex hasnt been the same with my husband. i hope that is not your case, not fun living in the aftermath of an affair.

Um, did I write this? No, you are not alone. And I feel for you as I know how awful it is to be like this.

Statistically speaking, Ive read that, of all the sexless marriages, 60% are due to the wife losing interest and 40% are due to the husband. So, you're definitely not alone.

I've been on the opposite side of this situation and I have to tell you, being forced into a celibate lifestyle is infuriating. Everyday, the rejected spouse feels more and more bitter--and more and more pessimistic and hopeless about the marriage's future. You say, if things don't change, your marriage *will be* in a serious state... Don't fool yourself; your marriage is already in critical jeopardy. Your spouse feels rejected and abandoned. He has probably already 'surveyed the landscape' and contemplated the details of a divorce, even if he hasn't vocalized it.

So... What kind of solutions have you considered? Are you ok with your marriage evolving into an 'open marriage' so that you stayed married but he doesn't have to live in celibacy? Are you ok with him having an affair? Or, would you rather cut ties and divorce? Are you financially able to support yourself should you divorce over this issue?

I think it's also important to ask you how you feel about your appearance and body image...? A lot of women lose interest in sex--and especially don't want to be touched--when they are unhappy with their body/weight/appearance.

Have you talked to your doc & had your hormones tested? Things like low thyroid can negatively affect libido.

Did you always feel this way or is it something new after having children? It could be that you have a touch of baby blues or depression, could be on some meds that causes it or have a hormone problem. Best thing to do is go to the doctor and let them know what is going on and perhaps it is an easy fix, if it is a new thing. If it is something long term, were you molested or raped? Did someone make you feel bad about your body? These things can cause you not to enjoy or want sex and you will need a therapist to help you with those things rather then a sex therapist. You aren't alone, there is many out there that feel the same way so don't beat yourself up over it.

First of all don't think of yourself as "wrong" just different.
Sexuality and religion often go hand in hand. The messages we get as children and teens is that sex is bad, dirty, etc often causes feelings of guilt if we are interested in or enjoy sex. If we enjoy sex then we must be "bad" women. The thoughts become so ingrained in us our sub-conscious minds begin to turn off our sexuality.
Couple sex counseling is a great idea and you should proceed, hopefully you will find some answers. But I also recommend indivual counseling for you. Sometimes it is difficult to be completely open with a counselor if someone else is in the room, even if that other person is your hubby.
You may want to try some positive self talking. Find some time about 30 minutes a day to meditate and tell yourself "sex is fun"-- "Sex is a good thing" -- "loving my husband sexually feels soooo good" things like that. The sub-conscious brain doesn't know when it is being lied to, this is why brainwashing works so well. If you continue to tell yourself the same thing over and over for a 2-3 week period your sub-consious will begin to believe it and then so will your conscious mind.
You might also want to do some research on the health benefits of sex and include this in your self talk.

First of all, you are not alone. For many women, sex drive waxes and wanes due to many factors- hormones, stress etc. I have been through something fairly similar. After having a few babies, plus working full time, the last thing I have wanted for the past 3 or so years was sex. All I wanted at the end of the day was to lay on the couch and unwind in front of the TV and not to be touched. It became destructive because my husband has a very high drive- he probably would want sex at least twice a day and for us a month would pass and- nothing.

I realized that to keep a healthy marriage, sex is vital. And I also realized I was missing the physical touch myself. Something that is helpful is to engage in intimate behavior- not sex per say- but massage, cuddles, a relaxing shower with your husband to connect at the end of the day. You might find yourself "in the mood." That has helped for me, especially it is hard to transition from mommy mode to being intimate with your husband. If you don't have a drinking problem- throw in a glass of wine.

Hopefully the therapy can help- and if you've been going 4 months and nothing is "helping", maybe it's time for a new therapist. Maybe even couple's therapy might be more effective to find out if something is at the base of the problem.

you're not alone. I use to want sex 4 times a day...my hubby couldnt keep up. I use to wake him up in the middle of the night for it, since we had our son I don't really want to as much. I read it can take up to 2 yrs for your hormones to go back to normal after having a baby, so I am not really worried. but I do have sex with my hubby a couple times a month anyway, because its something that he wants (really wants lol) he never mentions it and never itiates sex because he doesn't want me to do it if I don't want to. he is very understanding, so I know that I have to be understanding about his needs to, and he needs to feel the intamcy of sex

Well, I can tell you that I also have a low sex drive BUT I know how important it is to my husband. I make sure we have sex once a week (sometimes twice). So while I can relate to the idea that you have very little interest, I can't relate to not wanting to do it for him. Are you unhappy or resentful about anything? I know when my hubby snaps at me, he will not be getting any that night...but a few days later, sure.

Good question and I think there are so many women that feel the way you do and I am one of them. Add to the fact that I have no desire, and that my husband is 80 pounds overweight and doesn't take care of himself in any way. I have no answers for you. I endure it for his sake and I know that many would disagree with that, but I want my marriage so that my children will grow up in an intact home. Hopefully I will figure it out or it will get better. Good luck.

I'm right there with you. For the last 6 years I have either been pregnant or nursing with just small breaks in between so I'm hoping that once I have my body back (not pregnant or nursing) that I will have a drive again, although I never did have a big drive.

It sucks!!

So no, you are not alone.

I hope 26 answers gives you and your husband support!
Once on Dr. Phil they had this subject. The woman had her blood tested and that gave the Dr. the information they needed. I don't recall the specifics - but it was completely out of her control. Some of the chemicals (hormones) in our body change when we have children - which you just had!!! My sex drive was gone after child number 2 (4 years ago). Since then it is just starting to feel like I might be OK with some sex. I was told that breast feeding and the hormones involved completely take away any sex drive in many people (me). It took almost a year after stopping for me to start to think about sex without being like you - completely not interested!
You are normal - and a wonderful wife for reaching out!!!

You did not say how old you are but I had no sex drive during my twenties. None. I did everything I could to avoid it. I knew every excuse. In my mid thirties, something happened and suddenly I had a sex drive and I enjoyed sex immensely. Looking back, I feel it had to be something hormonal. I truly think this could be a physical thing. Talk to your ob/gyn. I think there are medications you can take. Not sure what they counsel in sex therapy but hopefully your husband is taking it slow because I know how distasteful it was to me during that period of time and it seems that forcing it before the physical drive can be medically evaluated would make it worse for you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I know you got a lot of responses but I just read this and needed to response. I think it is normal to NOT want to have sex during pregnancy and certainly after!!! I did not want to be touch at all after giving birth for a long time. We rarely have sex and my husband doesn't bother anymore. (I am also much heavier than before kids and he might be turned off) I so disagree with making yourself do it for him!!! you should never force sex, is forcing yourself to have sex any different then him forcing you? You will hate it more, I would. I do realize men NEED sex but I NEED sleep and I get very little sleep due to my little ones. So he needs to be understanding until you figure this out. Or until your kids get older. Not wanting to have sex while pregnant and a newborn should not be a deal breaker!! What if you had depression and I am guessing most severly depressed people do not want to have sex, so that gives the husband the right to cheat or leave? Or the wife had an illness? You have something going on whether it is hormones, having a newborn, or it could be something you need to see the doctor or maybe not. If you want to want to have sex (hope that makes sense) then go see the doctor but if you are just doing it to save your marriage I would say it might not work. If you husband can't see you through this rough time that is not good. It can not always be us women making sacrifices. I would say marriage couseling is way more important that sex therapy. Once you rule out any ill feeling towards your husband you can explore medical reasons or even wait it out until your newborn is older. Either way talk to your husband (and I understand it might be really hard) let him know what is going on and ask him to give you time, that you don't want the marriage to end, etc...
Also what about oral sex or hand jobs, something to help him but you are not touched very much? Maybe you don't want any sexual contact or maybe you just don't want to be touched. Just throwing it out there.
Good luck and take care of yourself!!!
M.

Hi A.,

There are many women going through your same situation H.. I was there a time ago for 2 years. In my opinion that happens because there is a lot going on in a woman's life! Husband, house, kids, everything depend on us, and all of that add up to our hormones, lifestyle, health etc. There are many things that turn us off. As women, we need perhaps more demonstrations of love, kindness, attention, support etc many things that not all men understand or support. Happily, I had a lot of support from my husband. After my second child was born, I didn't have any interest at all in having sex, it was kind of boring, I felt like it took too much energy while I just wanted to sleep or rest instead having sex or make love with my husband. I would see myself just not having sex without missing it, I was not in the mood, period. You are not alone and I think that is normal because of the reasons I gave you before, but it is important for you to find a good communication with your husband to make him understand that you NEED HIM to be supportive, nice, and caring and find a way together to make things work. Many, many things have an effect on a relationship: the way your spouse is with you), health issues (thyroid, anemia etc), stress, chores, time considering you have 2 little ones (4 years old and a 3month-old baby!!!!!) Kids take a LOT of energy and time from us, a good "timing"(he likes to do it in the mornings and you prefer at night for example, or he wants to do it today and you tomorrow..etc). Your kids are too little, you are raising your children and that is a factor.Some woman can start sex right after the 6 week period from their delivery, and some others have to wait long time before resuming sex. Take your time and talk to your husband, be sweet to him, and keep kissing him or holding his hands, pay attention to him. Tell him what you need from him and listen to him as well. Your libido will come back. Be patient.

@A. O - I'm in the same situation as you are (I'm going to be 32 years old, will be married for 7 years, and we have a 6 year old boy with special needs so I'm home with him) except we have not sought sex therapy, but the stress of the nonexistent sex life is a HUGE deal to my husband so we're looking into couples/marriage counseling.

Your first part of your post is like I'm reading my own feelings - on the nose! I am flabbergasted & somewhat relieved that I'm not the only woman, in a strangely similar situation.

I forgot to mention that my husband is concerned about my lack to no interest in sex since the day that I turned 30 (almost 2 years ago) because he believes in the whole "Once women turn 30 years old, they hit the peak of their sex drive and get aroused easily, every day" thing!

To me, he seems to forget that we have a nonverbal son who was diagnosed with Autism, mixed expressive-receptive language disorder, ADHD, SPD, idiopathic chronic constipation, and other health conditions.

get checked for endometriosis. I also am having that problem but I think it is due to me being pre menopausal my other half is not real happy right now either. I can start wanting it and half way through lose interest. and its not that he is bad. its just real dry anymore and hurts. my water pipe has been turned off. I dont know why I just cant lubricate anymore. so no sex interest.

First, you are NOT a freak. I feel for you. While I have very much enjoyed sex in the past, it has gotten much more difficult since having kids. That said, talk to your doctor. At 33, your body should be responding in some way to sexuality: physically, hormonally, even with no sleep and high stress and no time for yourself. There are physical conditions that can cause suppression of sexuality. If your doc checks you out and doesn't find anything physically wrong, I strongly suggest you find yourself a great therapist. You say it is something you have never enjoyed . . . absent a physical cause, a great therapist can help make sure your other (non-sexual) needs are being met, help you to carve out some self-care time, and perhaps help you build a bridge to your sexual self. It is a marvelous, wonderous gift of our human bodies, to be shared with love, respect, and generosity. There is not something "wrong" with you, but it sounds like there is something separating you from your sexual self, and there are professionals who can help you. I wish you and your husband patience, generosity, and grace with each other as you make this journey together.

HI THERE WELL I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME VERYTHING AND I AM 31 AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY I DONT WANT TO BE TOUCHED OR KISSED OR ANYTHING AND I DONT WANT THE SEX TO BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING TO KEEP MY PARNTER HAPPY TO I HATE SAYING IT CAUSE I USE TO ENJOY IT BUT FOR THE LAST YEAR OR MORE I DONT WANT DONT CARE FOR IT AND I AM GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I AM STARTING TO HATE IT WELL IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK MORE MY EMAIL IS ____@____.com YOU CAN EMAIL ME WHENEVER U WOULD LIKE TO TALK MY NAME IS M. WELL I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON BYE FOR NOW

I'm really wishing I could read the responses before I post my answer! Anyway - this is going to sound harsh, but sex is something that you need to do for your husband. You don't want your marriage to end, yet you don't want to contribute to the intimacy that marriage provides? Not providing sex for your husband will make him take other paths to get his fulfillment. It maybe pornography on the computer. It may be finding a prostitute, or even committing adultery.

You definitely need to keep up with the therapy, does he attend some sessions with you? Have you talked with a medical doctor regarding your low libido? Has it only been the past year, or your entire relationship? I can understand the year, I was not interested in sex during my pregnancies either, but if it's continuing, you need to get help.

Good luck!