Kids in Our Cove Are Ganging up on One Child

What are the age differences of these boys? My son is 5 and when we go to the playground he wants to play with the older boys (7 or 8) and they don't want him around because he is too young so I tell him that they are older and he needs to find someone more his age. If they are much older, then maybe it's not so age-appropriate that they play together-- this is just my first thought. You can address the parents, but that might not help much either. Sorry I don't have great advice because my son is my oldest-- but the only related experience I have is at the playground

M.

Absolutely talk to the parents. From what you say, it sounds as if there are good relationships in place between parents and kids, and I'm sure the other parents would be just as upset if this were happening with one of their kids--and you would want to do your part to help.

Let the parents know what's been happening, what you've been doing about it, how upsetting it is to you and your family, and tell them that you need their help. Emphasize how you love your group and all the kids, and you'd like to work together to fix this problem. It's a teachable moment for all the kids in the group. Even if it's a couple who are causing the problem, the other kids need to understand the impact of their just standing by and watching it happen. Their inaction is a choice to allow bullying and they're just as guilty.

Bullying comes from insecurity, so there's probably something else going on with the kids starting all of this--they need to be called out on it and asked point blank why they're feeling so insecure that they have to pick on a four year old. The other kids need to be taught how to handle these situations too, and you've actually got a bonus that this is happening with people you know and like instead of at school or somewhere where you're less familiar with all the people involved.

When addressing the parents, just remember how you might feel if the tables were turned and another parent told you how terribly your child was behaving. You might get some knee-jerk reactions that you're not prepared for, so again emphasize your disappointment in the behavior (not the kid), your love for the child, and your commitment to helping all of your kids be the best people they can be.

At home you can try role playing with your kids. Teach your son how to respond or walk away. Teach your girls how to stand up for themselves and their brother. And teach them all when they need to get an adult to help out.

Good luck!

First of all, I would talk to my son and ask him why they are doing this. Is there any reason? Has he done anything to them? Then the next thing, maybe you could catch one of the boys that you think you could talk to the best, like the one that is the most innocent or 'real' and ask him why they don't like him anymore. Then I would go and talk to some of their parents. You cannot go in and accuse or talk negative about their child, that will only cause nothing to be heard. Go talk to them in a nice unaccusing way and ask them would they talk to their child about why your child is being left out or maybe the parents have already heard them say. Make sure you tell them that you want them to be honest with you so you can fix it and if they know but not saying, you can't help the situation. You may find out alot of info that way.
It may shock you that your child has done something to provoke it then you may find out that the child is just like his parents: jerks. you never know till you try.

Hi, L.. Yes. You should talk to the other parents. I would record the behavior on video just in case there are any questions about it. Don't begin in an accusing tone, even though you know it's true, but you might begin by saying you need their help with a situation. When talking to people about their children, you need to be very careful with choosing your words. That doesn't mean you let them run over you because you don't want to cause trouble, but parents sometime seem to think their children aren't capable of doing bad things to other people, or anything bad for that matter. You do need to handle this situation carefully, but firmly. Best wishes.

L., (that's my middle name)

There was an episode (or maybe two) on this issue on Focus on the Family just recently. You can probably still listen to it free online by going to www.family.org or www.focusonthefamily.com (their site is down for updating this minute but should be back up soon!) Mostly what it said is that we need to teach our 'target' kids (the quiet, compliant ones) to be ASSERTIVE (as opposed to 'aggressive'). They DO need to stand up for themselves without being 'mean' in return.

Good luck and God bless!

I would talk to the parents- not to say anything to the boys just yet- but perhaps just to have come them supervise their play and see what you are talking about. I think it will make a stronger impact if the parents catch them in the act and reprimand them themselves. If you have the parents just to talk to the boys, they make it out on him even further. You may also have to just limit his play to one or two friends his own age at a time. Some of those boys may be way too old to be playing with him, and older boys can be pretty ruthless to younger kids.

This can be made easy or difficult. If you have a good relationship with the parents of the boys who are instigating picking on your son, you AND your husband should talk to them and explain that you are no longer allowing those boys to "play" with your four year old.
At four, how can he be taught to be "assertive" as somebody suggested, against kids that are way too old for him to be hanging out with. Or you might try "reversing" the suggestion above by telling the hostile kids to leave when they demonstrate that behavior, and TELL THEM WHY!! Just say that it's not acceptable, and until they are able to demonstrate better behavior, they're not welcome. THEN talk to their parents and explain what your concerns are straight up, and ask them to please honor your decision for the sake of your son.
Bottom line IMHO is you and son's dad are his protectors, teachers, and above all parents. And there is no reason why he must be subjected to this and not have you guys in his corner. Enlist the help of his older siblings, his sisters. You'd be surprised how they can come to the defense of their brother!!
I hope you resolve this quickly so it won't continue to be a problem for you precious little boy --- it will affect his socialization skills in the future, and create problems with him possibly becoming a bully himself. Be an example to all your children, their pillar of strength, and this may well serve to show all of them that mom and dad are on their side no matter what.

I can tell from your tone in your post that you would come across very well to the other parents. Sometimes when we approach the other family, we have a tone or intensity that can make the situation uneasy. You seem to not have that and would only benefit from talking to them. Say a long prayer before you go and just be honest about your feelings.

Good luck :)
Amanda

L.,
I have a four year old grandson, and it breaks my heart to think of older boys abusing him. The little guys really do look up to the "big boys," and tend to be made victims by boys who just want to toy with them.
How much older are the boys who are mistreating him? Are they around ten, or are they teenagers? If I were you, I would sit down with my husband and set some very clear, very firm rules for the children who are playing in your yard. Your yard, your rules. Together we'd sit them all down, talk through the rules, and make sure everyone agree to abide by them. I'd include a rule of "three strikes and you're out." Of course, this means you guys will have to keep an eye on what's going on, and call warnings ("Strike one, Brian! No pushing, remember?")to those who break the rules. On the third strike, the rule-breaker is out of your yard for the day, the weekend, or whatever. I might also suggest that you let the other parents know what you're doing, and why.

I used to own and run a daycare center, and I can tell you that children - even those who demonstrate resistance - need, want and respect rules.

If the boys are over ten years of age or so, I would not allow the four year old to play with them. The age difference and the difference in how they play is too great.
You and your husband are your little boy's primary protectors. If he can't feel safe, free and happy in his own yard, there's a problem.
Best of luck, I know you'll do the best thing for your son.

Hi L., I completely understand how you feel. It breaks my heart when I see that kind of stuff with my four year old boy too. He hasn't had a situation where kids are truely mean ... but where they say "lets hid from this boy" or something of that sort. My son is the same way - he looks up to older kids and only believes the best ... that they are playing with him - when they have actually turned on him in an exclusionary manner.

I would probably just tell the boys that they are not welcome to come over if they won't play nicely with your son.

I wish you the best with that! D.
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Yes, I think that I would definately talk to the parents.

First I would start speaking to your son about sticking up for himself. Whether he tells them to "stop" or whether he laughs it off, or whether he comes and gets you asap. Teach him that it is ok to defend himself. But you may also look at the situation and consider the fact that he does not view it like you do. My son is very sweet and allows certain things to be done and said and I am always there to rescue his feelings when he didn't think it was anything but a joke anyway. Lastly I would have everyone over your house at once and talk to all parents AND their children at the same time. Have an open discussion including your son and make sure that they know, and the kids know, that you are by no means stating that your son is perfect but that your son is the youngest and you expect them to teach, lead, and show your son respect so he can in turn treat children younger than him well as he grows. This is calling the kids on the floor in front of their moms and also showing them that you mean business but also telling the moms that you are aware that your son is not perfect but that this behavior should not be tolerated and you are sure they would not appreciate it if it were their sons. If nothing changes, your son should not go outside with them. Do you have a fence? May be a good time to get one. My son can go out back and play by himself for hours and use his imagination, not learn from older boys anyway. Good luck.

I would not allow children to play with my son who were older. Talk to their parents and explain the situation and ask that only children that are the age of your child play in your yard. Ask them not to tell the boys that you talked to them about it so that they don't get mad at your child and target him more.