Need Help Dealing with Neighborhood Friends

i have had similar issues. I have determined that it is problably better just to have one play at a time rather than both. Also, may be you should tell the parents. I would want to know if my son was doing that to another child. In this day and age there is a no tolerance policy at school and it should carry forward in the neighborhood. Hope this helps.

While I don't have experience with this, I am a parent. My first reaction would be to talk with the parents in front of those 2 boys. If that gets nowhere, I would probably talk to the parents more forcefully and let them know that I would involve authorities if they did not discipline their children and teach them right from wrong. That just what my gut reaction is.

I agree with talking with the parents and if it's not resolved, not letting your son play with them.

If it comes to that and the parents aren't willing to do something, maybe look into classes/activities with your park disctrict to encourge meeting new friends in the neighborhood and to keep your son busy.

The behavior these boys are displaying is well beyond "boys will be boys" and crosses over into something I don't even want to think about.

I hope these parents are mortified at their children's behavior and take immediate action. Good luck and please let us know what happens!!

B.
Wouldn't you want to know if your son was acting that way? If my son did this I would deft want to know. If you talk to the parents and nothing postivie comes off it, then don't let your son play with those boys. It sounds like the one boy is a follower so maybe just deny the other if need be. But really, I can't believe they said "hit you in the face till you bleed"!! My jaw dropped when I read that line..That's serious violence. Maybe they don't comprehend how serious that is or how nasty it comes off, but they're not too young to learn! Good luck

B.,
How is your relationship with the parents of the other boys? We have similar dynamics-- in our short block we have 13 boys between 5 and 12. Some parents are more watchful than others. While I completely agree that some of the social dynamics are natural, anytime a kid is being threatened with "you bleed, you go to the hospital, we laugh" I think the other parents need to be brought into the discussion. If they aren't interested or concerned at their boys' behavior then you might have a huge impact on these boys' attitudes and aggressions by gently reminding them of the Golden Rule. Remind them to think of another's perspective-- they are old enough to 'get it'. In order to become responsible, strong men they are going to need someone helping to steer their path. Invite their parents into the picture, but you might need to do it yourself.

T.

I would definately try to talk to the parents and let them know how their kids are behaving. In the meantime, if the other parents do not want to supervise their own kids, I would think you have a right to talk to the boys or put them in timeouts for bad behavior, etc. If the parents don't like that, then they can keep their boys in their own yards all summer! Good luck!

Dear B.,

Firstly, I'd stop your child from playing on the streets immediately - these boys are obviously not behaving in a normal fashion and if I were you I'd be very concerned that my child was going to be seriously injured (or worse) by them. As a second step, I'd report their behavior to their parents. If this appears to be ill-received, I'd be inclined to contact social services. This is not normal and you have to wonder what they are experiencing at home to play in such a fashion.

As the previous respondent pointed out, there are so many supervised park district activities for children these days that I'd be inclined to hit the street playing on the head all together.

Doctor James Dobson say this is a case of who is at the top of the pecking order.

Your son and this other boy get along really well until this other boy comes along. Then the boy playing with your son gangs up with the boy that just comes along. That is because the boy who was playing with your son needs to have the respect for the other boy. Other other boy may have said to the boy your son is playing with "If you want to be my friend you need to do what I tell you to so and that is chasing your son with the rack." So he does it because he really wants this boy to like him.

Dr. Dobson has some good advice at http://www.family.org/.

When this happened when our son was little it was the grandchildren of our neighbor that were bullies. Our son just decided that he did not like what they were doing so he would just stay in our yard. But every child is different. But I bet the boy who is the big bully is that way at school also. Unfortunately there is leaders and there are followers and the leaders will always have children who will do anything to be their friends even if that means giving up another friend.

Good Luck to your Family,
S.

Hi B.,

I know it may sound condesending... but I'm not trying to come off that way at all... have you tried talking with those kids parents? Are the two boys brothers or just everyone is from the neighborhood? I would definatly see how the parents reaction is to a conversation. If they come off defensive and uncaring toward your son and the condition of play time outside, if it was me I wouldn't allow my son to play with the boy. I would be the stickler mom letting the kids know play nice or go home. (I'm 25 years old... and a bit protective when it comes to threats like that towards children.) I would also share some tactics with your son how he can defend himself. I say do what comes natural as a mom/parent. Sometimes those other boys don't have parents who are going to tell them whats right or wrong so it's a cautious decision to make when it comes to discipling a neighbors kid. I hope this helps!

I agree with the great responses.
Above all stand up for your child ....so often we think "stepping-in" disables our children from learning from the experience....they are still growing so much at the tender age of 7. Perhaps continue the story for the other children..."if we call the police ....you will be taken down to the station and you will be watched very closely by the police in the future"....They need another 500 pound gorilla to look out for and gain consequences from if they do not respect the parents.

I would speak to the parents. Threatening to beat up any kid and send them to the hospital is not "kids being kids." I would also supervise the three when they are together. I have no problem stopping such behavior either. I would talk to those boys as well. And I wouldn't let those kids off if they claim they were "just kidding" either. They shouldn't even joke about stuff like that!

When two of my daughters ganged up on a neighborhood boy, the mom talked to me about it. I was so embarrassed and apologized profusely. I also talked to my girls about their horrible behavior, that there was no excuse for it ("but mom, we don't like him!), and I wouldn't tolerate it. They had to go to their rooms until it was dinner time. They did learn their lesson and are more pleasant with the neighbor kids.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

B.,

definitely get the parents involved.

And then, I would suggest your son getting involved with some other kids. It sucks though, because it's so handy that they are neighbors. It will be hard to keep them from playing at all...

I have allowed my kids to be 'defensively aggressive' - in that, they don't have to tolerate being pushed around by people just because they don't want to be mean. teach him the differences between being a bully and being bullied - it's a hard social situation...

so while you can teach him how to deal with kids like that, I am more concerned that those other punks find it funny to make somebody bleed. that's disturbing enough in itself.

You have already gotten some great advice, but I wanted to add something. I think you can use this as an opportunity to teach your son to stand up for himself. Ask him if he liked being treated that way. When he responds "NO!" (probably emphatically) tell him that when he doesn't like how he is treated, he should speak up. Role play with him where you are the other boys and give him lines to say:
You (as boys): We're going to chase you then hit you until you bleed!
Son: NO! I don't want to play that game. If you are going to play that way I'm leaving!
You: You're a baby!
Son: Don't call me names. I'm going home.

Or whatever you can come up with. I think it's important to make sure kids know what to do when they are being bullied. Your son is probably confused and doesn't know how to stand up for himself or even that he's allowed to do so. We teach our kids to listen and obey us, but often forget to teach them when not to obey people. I don't think you need to teach him to physically defend himself since he's just in the neighborhood and can go home. Make sure to tell him that he does not have to play with those boys and that you will help him find other kids to play with if the other boys continue to bully him.

IMO -- it's really important for kids to know how to deal with difficult people and situations on their own. Yes, you need to protect your kid but you also need to make sure he is confident enough to protect himself. It will save you in the long run with peer pressure situations.

I feel for you. We recently had a bullying situation with our 10 year old daughter and it was very hard to deal with - made worse by the fact that this girl had been one of my daughter's close friends - and her parents good friends of ours. Although what she did was not as violent as you are describing, her behavior was still very disturbing. When we tried to discuss it with her parents, they laughed it off and chose to believe that our daughter was lying. Even when I explained that I had witnessed the behaviour on several occassions and that I was concerned for their daughter's sake, they chose to ignore it. Twice since then they have asked us to get together and we have declined - they know why but just won't deal with it. They keep referring to their daughter as a "little angel" who would never do what we described (and one of the parents is a psychiatrist!) Sometimes I feel sad about losing the friendship - but, on the other hand, what kind of friends were they really?

I agree with speaking with the parents - even if you decide not to let your son play with them anymore - these parents need to know how their children were behaving. Hopefully, they will not take the route that our friends did, and will really take it seriously. I hope that it does not start a tense relationship with your neighbors but you just can't help that. We have to protect our children and teach them that this is totally inappropriate behavour.

I have seen kids bullying other kids as young as 3 years old and it frightens me about the future of our world. When I was a kid, just the thought of having to face my parents if I treated another child badly, was enough to stop me in my tracks - plus it just would have never entered my head. I don't know where all this violence and anger is coming from in our kids and youth, but I think we, as parents, better start really paying attention to it and start spending time and listening to them.

You could, as one responder suggested, try speaking with the 2 boys directly, but in my experience, there is a good chance they'll go along with everything you say, and then promptly do what they want to. I hate to say it, but kids don't seem to respect adults much anymore - which is probably part of the whole problem.

You can see this has touched a nerve with me and I truly hope
for you and your son that whatever you decide to do, it works out well. Good luck!

I am interested to see the responses because I have a similar problem myself. If only we could pick our neighbors... :)
I have and 8 and 6 year old and neighbor boys 8 and 11 that are completely unsupervised as well. We have no other boys in the neighborhood so they always want to play together. We have had so many bad incidents in the past two yeats, I have finally told my boys they can only play with those neighbors in our yard and may only go over to their backyard when my husband and I are outside. I hate to be so restrictive on my kids, but the older boy was teaching mine inappropriate things and destroying property. Unfortunately, the other parents are unresponsive to the situation. Over the summer, I have thought about trying to orcestrate more playdates with school friends but still, it is hard... I am eager to see what other responses you receive. Good Luck!

Try only inviting one boy over at a time. Find out which one your son likes to play with more and have him over. It may be that one of the boys is the instigator and the other is intimidated to 'play along'. Talk to the other parents, let them know what their kids are doing. If they are not interested, then do you really want your son involved with their kids? There are many activities for kids 7 years old, if you can sign him up for one, he'll make new friends and ones that will have more respect for him and also gain more respect and confidence for himself. More importantly, if kids are chasing him around with a rake, tell him to let you/your husband know immediately. Let the other kids know that kind of behavior is not acceptable and send them home. If it happens at a 'friends' house, tell your son to get an adult or go straight home. This is not acceptable or 'normal' behavior for 7 year old boys. Good Luck.

If it were me in your shoes I would respond directly to the kids themselves. I would ask the two boys to repeat what they said to your son to you. If they lie, tell them you know what they said and repeat it. I would then ask them how they would appreciate it if I did the same thing to them. They might then need some prompting that they would not like it. I would then explain there are ground rules and if they cannot abide by the rules they will no longer be playing around your home or your son.

Everyone elses advice invoved talking directly to the parents but I have found that oftentimes directly dealing with the kids first, even at that age, works. If it does not then talk to the parents and let them know that the kids are not welcome around your kids or your home.

I totally agree with everything in the last response so I am not going to repeat it. There is no way I would let my child play with those boys again until I had a serious conversation with the other parents. If the other parents don't think that it is a big deal then I wouldn't let my child play with those children ever. Instead I would be planning play dates with children from his class so he still gets to play but I would and will be very choosy about the friends that my children keep. Your son might be upset but I would rather my child be angry with me than have him get hurt by a bunch of bullies.
Good Luck!
J.

I would gently but firmly talk to the boys and tell them that they are to play nice, this teasing is not being tolerated. If that doesn't work, I would bring it up to their parents. Then, if that doesn't work, I would not let them play with your son. Good luck, neighborhood situations aren't fun!

K. B