this was my husbands weekend off. we took my daughter to shoot her new little rifle (please no flack for my 5 year old having a gun and yes it is kept under lock and key and no she does not have access to the keys). thats all we did this weekend. so today he slept in till 8am. my daughter and i got up 30 mins later. i made breakfast. it wasnt more then 4 hours later he goes back into our room. i go in there an hour later to see what hes doing and hes passed out. i let him sleep for a few hours then ask him to get up and help with chores. i finished what i needed to went back in the room and told him that he needed to get up because i was going to get easter and birthday gifts that are this month. i was gone for 2 hours. i came home and hes asleep. i asked my mil if he ever got up and she said no. now im irritated! i walked in there and told him to get up! he gets angry and snaps at me saying whats your problem. i told him that he doesnt need to sleep the day away because he needs to sleep tonight. he just rolls back over and goes back to sleep. 2 hours later (7 hours have passed) i tell him dinner is ready. he gets up eats and goes back to bed. by now im furious but stay calm. im only mad because the weekends hes off is supposed to be family time and he should paticapate. anyways 9 pm tonight i kick him out of our room because it will hit 1am and hes going to wake up and crawl over me (i work tomorrow he does not) and its going to make me really really furious becuase i barely get more then 4-5 hours of sleep a night due to insomnia (i will not take a sleeping pill because i fear not hearing my daughter). so when i get woke up im up for 30mins to 2-3 hours. he is currently alseep in the recliner.
am i so wrong for wanting him to be up and doing things with his family. note he is not sick nor has complained about not feeling well. our daughter gets her feelings hurt because more then not he blows us off on his weekends off. she looks forward to his days off so bad and i hate to see her dissapointed because she wants daddy to do things with her. i do let him sleep the first night hes off (thursday), and he goes to bed early friday night. so saturday and sunday are ment for family time because mionday night he goes back to work and is in bed by 5. i did take a short 1 hour 30 min nap due to a head ache but i was not in the bedroom i was on the couch where i could hear my child that was from 4:30 to 6p
thank you all. for the mom who said to try working his shift i have basically. i use to work 4am to 1p with a grocery store and no matter how tired i was i would still spend time with my family and him (we were dating at the time). for the mom who said he needed to catch up its not about that. when it comes to sleep its quality not quantity. since he went to bed at 7 the night before i think 13 hours is more then enough. he does have apnea but refuses to wear his mask. so him being tired there is his own fault. he made no effort to remotely get out of bed.
as for me that took a small nap. yes my daughter who is 5 like i stated above is more then capable to sit on the couch or computer watching a movie, playing a game, etc. shes not one to get into things shes not supposed to.
I would be in that bedroom vacuuming, banging dresser drawers, etc. Anything to make it as uncomfortable of a sleeping environment as possible. I don't get mad, I get even! lol
So, you're complaining because...let me get this straight. He works nights. So on his weekend off (what, every other weekend) he has a hard time adjusting to a daytime schedule? This seems like a no brainer to me.
How old is your child? Old enough to be on her own while you nap, then she's old enough to understand daddy's crazy schedule he works to help provide for the family.
You sound unreasonable. The guy is working at night, he needs to catch up on sleep, your daughter is old enough to hang out for a bit while you nap, stop nagging him or he will find a different place to sleep!
first off, good for you for teaching your child how to be a responsible gun owner.
as for your husband, i totally understand your frustration. it must be very galling to have anticipated a nice family-time weekend and have him sleep it away. i wish he had said to you, 'sorry, J., i'm wrung out. i need to take this time and get caught up on my rest.'
it sounds like his schedule is pretty brutal, so it would also be great if you could take that into consideration. it's nice that you 'let' him sleep on thursdays, but clearly that's not enough for him.
honestly, it sounds as if you're both edgy and snappish from sleep deprivation. i want more sleep for you as well as him, and i'm betting that your own exhaustion is causing you to be more short with him than you normally might be.
rather than fighting and accusing each other of not caring, finding more ways to get some rest would probably benefit the whole family. family time isn't good if everyone's exhausted and pissy.
khairete
S.
Your husband works nights right? In my opinion if he works nights then he needs to sleep some part of the day away in order to stay on his regular sleep/wake cycle. It is exhausting to switch back and forth from being awake at night and then awake during the day. It is much harder for the body to adjust. I understand where you were frustrated but I feel sympathy for him as well. My husband worked nights while he was in school. He would work from 11p to 7am, come home and sleep until 3p and get up and go to school. When he switched shifts and went to days, it took weeks to readjust him sleep schedule.
If you had made big family plans for this weekend I would be frustrated as well. It doesn't sound like you did. If he agreed to help you with your stuff this weekend and slept I would be frustrated. Again it doesn't sound like that. I would be more inclined to just ask him if he is getting enough rest on his weekends off. It sounds like that is a rare occurrence. You need to talk to him - resonably and without argument.
Sleep is an escape for many.
He's needing escape.
Why?
You two sound like you need to work on your communication.
I know from friends that working a night schedule throws everything off. He can't just be a night person 5 days a week and then a day person 2 days a week. He has a schedule ingrained in his head, and breaking it is not only difficult but it can be bad for your health. In addition, people who work the night shift get sick more often, have higher rates of depression, and die younger than people who work during the day. (
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/17/night-...
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-famili...
) Your husband isn't out drinking and gambling the day away, and he didn't go fly-fishing, either. He's sleeping, and he's sleeping so much because he desperately needs it. He is either sick, depressed, or exhausted. My bet is exhausted. I don't really see a fourth option - you don't sleep just to annoy someone.
So the first thing you need to do is correct your daughter's and your expectations. If your daughter is expecting her father to do dad things with her during his "night," she doesn't really grasp his schedule. When my best friend's husband was working graveyard, they planned their family activities in the evenings, when he was most likely to be able to wake up and participate. He was "allowed" to sleep through the morning and early afternoon because that's his schedule, and he needs to make up the hours he has inevitably missed, since sleep during the day is not as deep, even if he's used to it. Work our a schedule with him where he gets up at a reasonable time, like 3 or 4 PM and that all the time after that up until your daughter's bedtime is family time. Let him sleep until that point if he needs it. And if he doesn't, it's a bonus, not expected.
Then, you need to inform your husband that since you have insomnia and work, sex is an evening activity, not a wee-hours-of-the-morning one, and since you will be working so hard to respect his schedule, you expect he will respect yours. If he doesn't, let him know you consider it an insult, not a compliment.
I have personally had days when I am just exhausted and I don't know why, because I am up all day. I also suffer from routine insomnia, and I do understand the struggle of not being able to take anything. Luckily, my husband is very understanding, and recognizes that if I sleep like that, it's because I need it.
I think the real problem in your letter is that neither your husband nor you understands the other person's position, and you're both sleep-deprived, which makes you short-tempered. I hope you two can work it out.
P.S. Have you tried a naturalesque sleep solution like Melatonin? It can help you fall asleep but does not keep you asleep, so if your problem is falling asleep, it can usually be used safely without preventing you from waking if you need to hear your daughter.
Sounds like he works the night shift, no? It's pretty hard to switch back and forth from day to night and night to day. And it's h*** o* your health too. Is this his schedule going forward forever, or is this a temporary thing. Because if it is temporary, I would just try to explain to my daughter that it can't be helped for right now but things will get better when Dad's scheduled gets changed. Do not say anything negative to her about Dad or his sleeping. Be sympathetic and yes, make excuses for him, for now.
It is REALLY hard. But as kids get older, they understand the realities of life. And this sounds like one of those realities to me. My husband worked mid-shifts once a week for a while when our kids were little, so I know it is hard. I've sortof been there. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. And kids are tough and will figure out that Dad has to work to provide for them. Eventually, they will even recognize that THAT IS FOR THEM. Dad does that awful shift FOR YOU and FOR HER. You just have to explain it that way to her, and not give her negative ideas about it.
Good luck, and hopefully he can get a different shift soon...
He may have said he is not sick but he is either very sick if he is capable of sleeping like that all day and hiding it or he is very depressed or hungover. I know how lonesome it must feel but you also must insist he sees a doctor. Or a therapist. My exhusband slept all the time, I mean all the time and he turned out to have a whole host of problems.. Too, there is scientific study (where right now I don't know) that claims men do sleep more. My husband now is able to sleep hours and hours. And I'm like you...so I admit it is frustrating, but he needs to quit fighting about it and get some iron pills. Hate to say it but when I had the beginnings of cancer I was tired all the time and was given iron pills. For your family's sake urge him to see a doctor. He might not be just lazy
No, you're not being unreasonable to ask him to spend time with you and your family. IF he's working overnights, you need to give him some slack though. I do think guys tend to need more sleep than us ladies. I think part of it is just all the things us mom's have to do or think we have to do. We may lay down for a nap but then lay there and think of 20 things to do vs a guy who can shut down and nap.
BUT, you need to have a sit down chat with him about it. Tell him you feel frustrated when the short time you have together is spent cat-napping. Ask what you both can do to make this work. Acknowledge that it is a difficult situation. Then if you agree that he can take a couple naps for so many hours, then you won't be seething while he's napping. Maybe he needs to sleep later in the morning vs being tired all day. But he'll have to make the effort to get up from his nap and spend time with his family, rather than just eating and running. Maybe, he could spend 1:1 time with your daughter too so it's true quality time. Even if it's running a couple errands with her, while you get a break at home. Communication will be the key in resolving it. If you both get heated, take a break and come back to it even an hour later. It's going to be a continual topic if he keeps working these hours, so you may as well work on a solution now than bickering for years.
You need to get over it. He works a schedule that is difficult and he sounds like he was tired. Even through he is off every other weekend, he needs to stay on some type of schedule so that it isn't hard for him to go back to work.
So, I think you are being unreasonable. As for the gun, good for you. I think girls need to learn this skill as well as boys!!! My daughter just learned and she is 23 years old!!!
Try working his schedule and see if it's that easy to switch your routine from nights to days in a blink of an eye. It's hard...trust me. And when you get a chance to make up for lost sleep...it's wonderful.
Regarding your insomnia - take a pill and get some sleep. Your 5 year old can come and get you if she needs you. Try an Advil PM. They are not strong at all (like an Ambien).
It's a tough situation since he works at night. His mind and body are so confused. Why don't you talk to him about how he can make his schedule work. I find that when I tell my overworked hubby that my daughter misses him and asks for him all the time, he suddenly finds the time and energy to spend time with her.
Then, there is always that shotgun! :)
No, you're not unreasonable. I, too, would be really annoyed!
Seriously, though, make an appointment for him with his doctor. Could be depression, could be sleep apnea, could be a cold or allergies, could be nothing but habit or laziness -- but he needs to get checked out.
If he's physically fine, make an appointment with a therapist. There needs to be some discussion, compromise and agreement on expectations.
Hug...
I feel your frustration. A couple of things come to mind. Does your husband do this all the time? Is he on medication that would make him tired? My husband slept too much before I got on him to get his meds changed. If he wasn't working, he was sleeping most of his life away. He's better now, but still naps twice a day on the weekends. Honestly, it makes me nuts because like you, I'm energetic and want to do family things. What I have done is plan stuff way in advance during the time of day that works for him. I let him know when and what our plans our, so it gives him a heads up. I do not cram our weekends with too many things out of respect for his sleep schedule. I've learned to accept it and work around it. I like and 100% agree with Grandma T's post...so true.
