Long story short (way too many details and back history to type) my ex has 6 WEEKDAY overnights a month (some weeks one overnight and some weeks 2 nights in a row) and he is requesting 2 options and I'm not really thinking either of them.
Option 1: Dad wakes our daughter up at 5am and drops her off at my house at 6:00am (I don't start work till 9:30am) We have been doing this for about 5 months and it works but it seems so h*** o* our daughter. She is usually passed out for a nap by 10:00am at her babysitter's house and is she doesn't get a nap its a long day full of meltdowns. She has preschool from 12-4 every day, so she does have time but doesn't always nap (4.5 years old too old for naps?)
Option 2: our daughter can sleep in at his house and I can pick her up at 8am (her usual wake up time). She would be in the care of her step grandmother who does not drive or speak English. She moved her from Mexico less then a year ago and not sure if she is legally here? Then I would take her to her babysitter and then go into work. I think it would be hard for my daughter to see me for the 20 minutes I pick her up and drop her off?
My ex has about 10 overnights a month and I totally respect the desire to have his child overnight but what is more important? A child's wellbeing and ample sleep or time with her father and his family? I hate to go back to court and I certainly don't want tot be dramatic but I feel my daughter is suffering and having more meltdowns then necessary and I see her being so sleepy that it affects her attitude and behaviors.
I know I'm missing lots of info but thought someone might have some info, suggestions, ideas, support?
How about three, you let her hang out with grandma, sitter picks her up at 11:30 and drives her to preschool.
Why do you need to go to court? Can you and your ex come up with a plan that works for your daughter? Both options stink although I think option 2 is better. Whether your ex MIL is here legally or not seems irrelevant.
I'd go with option 2, seems like it would be much easier on your daughter.
As a kid who got woken up in the dark and shuffled around from bed to car to another bed/house I can tell you that it is AWFUL.
I think both options are fine. The fact is when people have to co-parent from different homes things are not always going to be perfectly convenient for everyone. If option one is really making your child too tired then go with option two and start working on spanish with your child. What a great way to give a child a head start in our changing world by helping her to learn a second language, and it will help her communicate with her grandmother, a win win.
Option #1 seems a little unreasonable. You have been doing it for five months and it's not working. Option #2 seems fine. I don't think it makes a difference if grandma is there illegally. I've known lots of children with grandma's and nanny's who don't speak English, yet they manage. I'm not sure I understand why it would be h*** o* your daughter to see you for 20 minutes. Have you even tried option #2? I think your child having enough sleep AND spending time with dad are equally important.
I don't personally like either option either; however, of the two Option 2 would seem best for your daughter. You could even pick her up earlier than necessary so you can spend a few extra minutes with her.
Could there be an Option 3? Could you maybe allow him an overnight on Friday (assuming he wouldn't have to leave her so early on a Saturday morning) and he could bring her to you at a more decent hour on Saturday morning? That way, he gets the overnight, more time with her, and she gets more sleep?
I suggest that you have other options. You need to brainstorm. I suggest that the judge will either choose one or the other or tell you to work it out. He is very unlikely to take away the overnights. He might even give overnights in a row to minimize the problem. This could mean more over nights. Sounds like you're wanting to get rid of overnights and that is unlikely to happen.
If she needs more sleep she can nap or go to bed earlier. There is no rule saying a 4 yo can't nap. And why would seeing you for 20 minutes be difficult? She is spending the majority of her time with you.
Whether or not the grandma is legal or that she's a step grandma has no bearing on the issue.
I personally believe that you should have a "family home" that your daughter lives in and you and your ex move in and out. It was the two of you who created this situation, and no matter how you work this, your daughter suffers. I don't care if she gets to sleep until noon, she still has to move every couple of days. Just think of how unsettling it would be for you; it's no better for her. You and your ex should be doing the suffering, not your child.
As someone who has used family mediation to smooth out the rough spots and hiccups in our original parenting plan, I highly recommend trying mediation before filing anything in court.
Consider how a family court judge might read your argument that the child's need for a couple hours more sleep trumps the need to spend time with a parent. He or she could support your ex's plan to keep the child at his house under his stepmom's care from 6 to 8.
8 AM is actually the standard transition time in many parenting plan templates.
Not willing or able to do mediation: Get a better proposal in place than either of Dad's. Generally, the court likes to see that a fair offer was made and then rejected before it was asked to intervene. When no fair offer was made, it can make both parents look bad, but especially the litigating one.
Judges prefer to minimize the number of transitions for pre-schoolers so going from Dad's care to stepmom's care to your care (for 20 minutes) to a sitter and then to daycare is not very like to look good. However, you ought to come in with a plan that minimizes transitions and doesn't reduce Dad's time in the name of more sleep. Dad can always tell the judge that he'll move bedtime up by an hour or two to avoid the problems you saw.
Of your options, I would pick 2. However, what I would really do is tell him that it is his responsibility to make sure his daughter gets to the sitter on the mornings that he has her.
Can't it be worked out so that she spends weekend nights with him instead of weekday nights? That seems like it would solve the problems.
I need to say though that if she's not getting enough sleep put her to bed early. Lots of kids have to get up and go to a sitter early in the morning. I would just have him drop her there on his mornings why are you involved in that at all? She will play off you so if you act like it's a big hairy deal she has to get up early she will act out. Also, do you feel she is not safe with her grandmother?
This sounds nuts! Since she's having mental issues from this her visitation schedule needs to be adjusted since he's working such odd hours.
He should be paying a baby sitter to watch the kiddo until she goes to school. This way he's getting free babysitting and it's a hassle for you. If she's in his care he needs to care for her.
