When It Is Fair to Non-custodial Parent to Allow Consecutive Overnights to Start

Wait until July. It is just a little while longer. If she doesn't follow through, then go to the next step.

I sympathize with your pain in not being able to spend more time with your son. At the same time I wonder why you insist that it has to be overnights on every other weekend. Time is time and from a psychological viewpoint it would be better for your son to see you more often for less time. Toddler's brains are still developing quite rapidly. And Mother's milk is still quite important to that development.

1) you will have a much better chance for co-operation with your son's mother if you do some research so that you can agree with her when she says something as important as "he's still nursing" and find a way for you both to get what is good for your son.

2) you will also have a much better chance for co-operation if you are open to a different answer than the one you are pursuing at the moment. Compromise is essential in all of life.

3) why are you so impatient that you can't wait another few weeks? She said that she is considering a trial in July. Good lord man, it's nearly July now. If I were her and knew that you felt this way I would resist any change in custody, knowing that I as a mother have that right. I would resist based on your apparent immaturity.

If you apply to the court to change custody arrangements at this point based on this information I can almost guarentee that if your wife doesn't resist the judge will. (FYI I've had many years of experience with the court system.)

So be careful with that attitude! Find a way to respect your son's mother! Find a way to understand why she says what she says! You will need these skills in every relationship that you have if you want to be successful.

You say there is "no good reason" for his mother wanting to continue nursing for a few more months. So, I ask, what is your good reason for insisting that it be 2 nights in a row? It does take maturity to wait 4 months until he's 2. I think your son't mother is showing a willingness to compromise when she says she'll consider a weekend long visit in July.

Willingness to co-operate and compromise and work things out without official involvement is essential to your gaining any additional parenting time.

Getting along with your son's mother is the most important task that you have next to loving and caring for your son. There is no one right way to do anything. I think that perhaps a bit of humbleness and awareness of the needs of your son's mother and your son will go along way in helping to build a strong relationship with your son.

An added thought. If you and your son's mother do not get along you will be doing more damage to your relationship with your son than having or not having what you want at the moment.

At this age, I think your relationship with your son would benefit from more frequent contact rather than longer visits spread out every couple weeks. Do you visit with him any other time than the every other week overnight?

My perspective is that of a mother who has children with a man (my ex-husband) who doesn't respect my opinion on our children's readiness for different things. Nothing makes me doubt his concerns for my children more than discounting what I say my children are comfortable doing without any support of his position other than stating he's their father and thinks he should have such and such (whatever his demand of the month is). I'm not trying to compare you to my ex because you certainly aren't as uncommitted as he was seeing as my ex wasn't visiting his kids at all at 20, let alone 30 or 40, months of age.

It isn't about what you or she want or who misses the boy more; it is only about what is best for your child, and I'm pretty certain that waiting four months to spend two consecutive nights at dad's house instead of doing it right now by fighting his mother for it won't have a single negative impact on your son, though the stress on his parents from a court battle could affect him poorly even if only short-term.

There's also something else in what you wrote that didn't sit well with me. You said you have your son every other Saturday overnight. You also said that he is being kept away from you for no good reason. These statements don't mesh. Your son is not being kept away from you, and the reason his mother provided for why extending these overnight visits was not reasonable thus far is because he still nurses enough to warrant his need to be close to that source. You may discount her reason as invalid or false, but she is his primary caretaker and, as such, I urge you to respect her opinions on your son's readiness for this. She has a plan to move forward in accomplishing your goal of extended overnight visitation, so she is not simply saying no to your request because it's what you are asking for and leaving you wondering when the answer might be yes, if ever. This signals to me that she has given your request careful consideration and also evaluated the needs of your son in order to serve his best interest.

I also am like the mother in the first reply in that even my own mother, the person I'd trust most with my children above any one else, didn't have my children overnight away from my home until they were 2.5 years old, so I also don't see 2 as being too conservative of an age for starting extended overnight visits.

If all you're seeking is more time with your son, then I would see if the mother is willing to compromise with an overnight visit every week rather than every other or maybe an evening visit every week along with the current every other week overnight. From my research on these issues for my own circumstances, this would be most beneficial for your bond with your son while also getting you the extra time, just in a different schedule...one overnight per week versus two overnights every other week or an evening visit every week along with the overnight every other week. I really think there is a compromise to be had in your situation, and I encourage you to figure out how to accomplish what you want without disrespecting the wishes of your son's mother.

Hi Paul,

As a nursing mother, I know how difficult it is to pump at 20 months, so that may be an issue as well as the fact that many children are very dependent on nursing for comfort as well as the health and nutrition. How friendly are you and your ex? Maybe she could come over in the evenings and nurse him and spend a couple hours each evening so the nursing needs are met for both mother and child? Then you can continue your weekend with your son. Or maybe do single nights more often? I know my daughter sleeps well and has no problems not nursing if her father puts her to sleep, but when we were trying to wean her, day 2 was always much harder than day 1. They can easily go a day without nursing but start upping the days and stress kicks in. Plus, 2-3 days without nursing, can reduce or stop the milk supply for the mother at this stage and the WHO recommends breastfeeding until age 2.

Some thoughts and ideas that I hope will help you both come to a resolution for all of you!

I am happy you love your son and want to be involved more. Just a few more months, and you will have stronger grounds to push for longer weekends!

A.

Paul, I think it is admirable that you want to be a larger part of your son's life. I'm glad to hear you're engaged in mediation, and hope you end up with a decision you can respect, if not like.

I feel a caution when I read your words, and of course, because I'm not seeing your face or body language, not hearing your tone of voice, this is only a caution. But between the lines, I wonder if I hear that your deepest issue may not be about getting more time with your son. Is it possible that you are struggling for more control in your relationship with his mother, and this is one way you can try to assert yourself?

You are the only one who can answer that question, and I hope you will sincerely search your motives. If you can find even a doubt about your deepest motives (they can be tricky to recognize), I hope for the sake of your ongoing relationship with your son AND his mother that you will be patient for a few more months. And consider, if you will bend now, it's possible she'll be more willing to bend next time an issue arises (there will be others). If you push now, she may feel she has no choice but to push back.

Sometimes "loving with all your heart" means sacrifice. In fact, as a parent, it OFTEN means sacrifice of your wants to more important needs of the moment. I assure you, there are many ways to bond with your son, and one of the best is to be sure that he isn't a pawn in a strategic game. And you will have years in which your relationship can deepen as he gets more verbal, and more active, and believe it or not, a lot more fun.

As a granny deeply devoted to my grandboy (now 3.5 years), I was delighted last night to have my FIRST overnight with him at my house. I crave spending time with him, and so I have at least an inkling of what you feel. And I also appreciate that as he gets older, visits will be more workable and comfortable for everyone involved.

Coming from a mothers point of view, I would find it extremely difficult to leave a child under 2 with ANYONE overnight. I am happily married, and don't even like to be gone over night away from my children. My husband is wonderful and is a great father, but I don't like to be apart from them for that long.

I didn't even let the granddparents have my first daughter overnight until she was about 3 yrs old. We see them every weekend and sometimes during the week.

I would say that regardless of what kind of issues you and the mother have, it is good to give this some time until the "age" excuse isn't a factor. Your son is already 20 months and if she is considering the consecutive nights after 2 years, that means you only have 4 months to wait.

Perhaps you could have him more often during the day on the weekends to be more of a presence in his life and then in the next 4 months start to work those into overnights?

It is great that you are trying to have a relationship with your son, but I think it is equally important to maintain a good relationship (or at least civil) with his mother.

Hi Paul, it's nice to see a dad who wants to spend more time with his son. It's also nice that his mom is committed to nursing him this long.

Please let her have these last 4 months to nurse him without worrying that her milk may dry up with the extended overnights. It will be less stressful for you, and more peaceful for your son if you simply wait the 4 months and stay out of court.

You and your son's mom will be working together to raise your son for the next 16 years+. Even parents who live together must make compromises and decide what issues are worth fighting for and when it makes sense to give the other parent some grace. Finding that balance will pay off for you and your son in the long run.

Paul,

Kudos on your desire to be more involved in your son's life!!! You not only have a right to be involved in your son's life, but an obligation as a parent to be involved in seeking what is best for your son. Human milk is hands down the best thing for your son to be drinking until age 2. You are fortunante to have a mother for your son who is willing, able and committed enough to provide the most excellent source of nutrition for your son. No matter how great your parenting skills and your love for your son are, you are not physically capable of doing this for your son. This means that her request to delay extended overnights is really in your son's best interest (nutritionally speaking). That being said, your time with your son is also important to his development. If I were you, I would seek out alternate arangements for the next 4 months. Maybe a overnight once a week instead of 2 overnights every other week. Maybe additional daytime or evening visits during the week. There are lots of times you could see your son that would have less impact on his nursing than 2 consecutive overnights. Try to look at all of the aspects that matter to your son, rather than just the time spent with you. You are more likely to get cooperation from your ex and from the courts if you are open to more options!!!!

Good Luck!!

I went through this with my daughter's father when he was in her life. My lawyer advised me that there are no legal ways for a judge to court order a nursing mom to sever that relationship for any reason, nor to have to express milk instead of actual nursing in order to provide visitation with the non-custodial parent.

PLEASE RESPECT THE MOTHER'S DECISION TO NURSE, AND DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY TOWARDS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SON.

I understand that you want more time with your son, but please, let it go for now. It is only 4 months away, and it is not worth the fight you are about to start over it. You are very lucky to have a mother for your son that has been this able and committed towards nursing your child, and it is very selfish of you to view that as unfair towards you or your son. Shame on you!

If you were really educated about the process of nursing, you would clearly understand the impact of one night vs two, and the added dimension of every woman's body reacting differently to the process.

What would your "emergent basis" be declared upon that you would claim before the court? You are obviously misguided about what the emergent basis petition is for, it is supposed to be used when you believe the custodial parent is doing harm to the child. Please do not waste the court's time.

I apologize if this is harsh, as I am a HUGE advocate for supporting the relationship of the child and mother through breastfeeding.

Also, I find it extremely subjective that you would start your post with "I would appreciate women's opinions ". You are on a parenting site that does cater to women supporting each other, but is not inclusive of women. There are fathers and other types of parents on this site too. It was a poor choice of words and mindset for you to address the forum in this way.

Hi Paul,

What a terrible situation to have to navigate. Here's my two cents (both as a nursing mother and as a child of divorce):

First of all, your intuition is correct; you son will likely be fine not nursing for a few days. His mother, however, may be concerned that her milk supply will disappear due to the long break in nursing, and this can feel huge for her. Some of us who nurse have set a "goal" for ourselves to nurse our children up to a certain age, and like the certainty of having milk available for our children.

That said, I also know that, at this age (20 mos), nursing is really about comfort and bonding with our kids and less about food. So, if her supply is low, he could still technically nurse, and it's likely that he'd still get a little something, but the biggest benefit for the child at this age is comfort and habit. I know this: my son is 26 months and I am currently nursing a lot due to his teething. It sounds like you are an aware parent and your son will not go hungry.

My guess (just a guess) is that the nursing might not really the big issue at hand for her, but it is certainly an easy one for her to discuss. There may be larger, more complicated emotional issues that need to be dealt with, which is something that she is not likely to appreciate hearing from you.(and may not even be aware of.) Mediation is a great first step and a smart idea in trying to work this out before having to go to court. However, if she seems unwilling to budge on this, do start your plan of going to court on an emergent basis. My experience as an observer in situations like this is that there may *always* be a reason or two that she will have in favor of limiting visitation, for the rest of your son's childhood.

I do want to encourage you to play fair, never talk poorly about your son's mother to him, and never make visitation times his choice as he gets older. This is purely an adult decision. And certainly, do what you must to keep your rights as a father. It's all too easy to acquiesce and later be accused of "well, if you wanted more time with your son, you should have fought for him".

Some people are crazymaking, and so keep breathing...this will eventually work out. Keep focused on the end result--the relationship you will one day have with your adult son. Act in a way that is honorable, give his mom a chance to come around, and then, if that just can't happen, do what you need to through the courts.

My very best wishes to you.

I think that you should have a parenting plan in place and if you are willing to have him more and she won't budge you need to approach the courts. She can pump, so the whole nursing thing is just an excuse.

Before anyone jumps down my throat I am a mother of 3 and YES I nursed them all.

You sound like a great father, and your son is very lucky that you want to be so involved in his life. I hope the child's mother is truly basing her decision on what she feels is best for you son and not her feelings toward you.

Although i don't know your situation, I can tell you that my daughter nursed until she was 2 1/2, and honestly at 20 months there's no way she would have been emotionally able to be with her father alone for an entire weekend (and we're married and live together) Even now at 3 1/2 I think it would be hard for her. Nursing into toddlerhood is about a lot more than just nutrition- it's about comfort and security. I think it's great that your son is happy spending a night with you. I can totally understand your frustration- you just want to see your precious child more! Personally, i think a trial weekend would be a great idea, if you're open to the possibilty of postponing until he's older if it doesn't seem to be the best thing for him.

Good luck!!!

If she is still nursing there is a good reason, she is nursing. 48 hours is too long for her to not be with him. Her breast will engorge and be extremely painful. Think of a balloon implanted in your arm that is blown up until it is almost exploded.

You only have 4 months to wait. You are risking making her angry and creating an atmosphere of opposition rather than of cooperation for your child. And remember she has full custody--she is sharing, but does not have to.

I cannot say I can help much but I think its great of you to ask the question. Your son is 20mo. of age, and while sure its best for the boy to nurse as long as possible, they invented breast pumps for a reason. You should bring up at mediation that she could pump for him so that he can have breast milk when the baby is with you. There is no reason other than her own insecurities from what you've written here. Of course we don't know the whole story, but you seem concerned enough to risk asking a whole bunch of women..so I say yer alright. Breast milk in the first year is pretty important. By the time they are 1 they are old enough to have cow's milk or other beverages. You need to stand your ground and insist that she either pump, or give a good reason you should not have that time with your son. Definitely bring it up in mediation. It is completely possible for him to have the benefit of breast milk without his mother being there to give it too him..she just has to give it to you to feed him. If she cannot do that then you must provide other nutrition when he is with you overnight. Plain and simple. Don't give up the fight on this one..from what I can tell you are in the right!
You worded this just fine by the way..I've seen very few men on this site, and if there are male members they don't show up that often. Those that say the mom is right are right..she is right.... However, so are you, and moreso. In this day and age it is waaay past time for judges to realize the importance of the father in relation to the family unit. Keep up the good fight. By the way, I think from the responses I saw most are in agreement that you deserve more time. You will have some that will advocate for mother until age 3 no matter what. I happen to believe from newborn to adulthood that fathers are as capable of raising and providing love and comfort to their sons and daughters as the mothers are. I've seen it with my own eyes. (Except for the breastfeeding part). We also know that even though breast milk is ideal it is not necessary for the health and well being of the child after the age of one. The WHO recommends until age two because in third world countries it is easier to get enough food to feed a mother nursing her baby but harder to feed two separate people. Part of that has to do with the cost of things like formula. The WHO is not a good judge of what's going on in the USA as far as young children needs go would be my guess.

Hi Paul,

I too commend you on your love and commitment to your son. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be in your situation. I know my husband was divorced from his first wife when the children were not quite 2 and 3. There were no nursing issues as his ex never nursed them, but I don't believe he had consecutive nights with them until they got a little older. Eventually, he had them 50/50 (by the time the youngest was probably 5). At that time, they had 2-3 nights with him, then 2-3 nights with mom back and forth until they were older and then we had them for a week at a time, every other week. If you live close enough to each other, I think having your son more often, but not consecutive nights at this point is best for everyone.
As a mother of 2 small children that I nursed (my son until he was 2 1/2, and my daughter is 20 months and still nursing), I believe that going one night not nursing is one thing, but going more than that at this age I believe is difficult for mother and child. Your ex wanting to nurse your son is a wonderful thing and I hope that you can see and appreciate the benefits and don't take it as something to keep you from him. I hope you are able to compromise by perhaps having your son every week for one night instead of two nights every two weeks. This seems to make sense to most of your responders. I wish you luck and pray that you and your ex can have a good relationship with each other...this is the best thing you can do for your child.

Hi Paul,

You asked for a woman's opinion, so I will give you that. Let me first tell you where I am coming from...I am trained as a midwife, though not practicing due to needing to raise my own children first, and I am also an experienced counselor with lots of experience with breastfeeding and child development issues.

I applaud you for caring enough about this to ask for another perspective. It certainly shows your love for your son.

That being said, I think you have to really honor that, just as you were the "secondary" parent while your co-parent (which is what she will remain throughout your son's childhood and adolescence) was pregnant, through biology, and just as you were the "secondary" though much more involved parent during his infancy, you must remain somewhat in the background until your son is older.

Whether he has any problems at your house or asks to nurse (why would he ask you to nurse? He knows where that comes from!) during his overnight stays, one night is not the same as two nights and a full day in between. YOU know that, or you would not be asking to have two nights in a row. If there was no difference in how it felt, then it wouldn't even be an issue.

Imagine that, if this makes a difference to you, then there is a much greater impact on a toddler who is still nursing. And, whether you personally care or not, it also makes an important difference to his primary care-giver, his mother. Be honest with yourself, and you know these things: She is the one who provides the majority of emotional, physical, educational, psychological, spiritual, nutritional, disciplinary, and every other kind of support to your son's growth--and that is exactly appropriate at this age for him!

It does not mean you couldn't potentially have more time with him, or that you aren't important--you are! And that relationship with him will only get stronger and more important over time, as he grows into more of a child and less of a baby.

Think of the consequences..beyond what your immediate desires are...if you push for something that just isn't ready yet. Even if you cannot, as a man and as a father who has a personal stake in the matter, see why his mother might need to keep overnights to a minimum, or why it would be beneficial to your son to wait, consider the general, and potentially lifelong, effects of trying to force the matter.

If you do this, especially through the courts, that puts you in a position where she will have a harder time trusting you. Even if both of you are very careful not to make this an issue in front of your son, it still leaks into every aspect of the relationship you do have. You will be undermining her in multiple ways: 1) You will be undermining the VERY important breastfeeding relationship, 2) You will be undermining her efforts at managing single motherhood according to the needs of the person doing the most parenting, 3) You will be undermining the closeness of the relationship--a critical bond at this developmental stage for your son--with the person who is right now laying the groundwork for parenting him through to adulthood.

It will in no way diminish your ability to father him if you wait just the few months that she is asking you to wait. In fact, you say that just NEXT month, she is already considering letting you have a "test" weekend! What is the "emergent" situation you plan to bring to the courts that cannot wait such a short time?

I think you would do yourself and your son a great disfavor by pushing what is already happening just to serve your own agenda and impatience. You must take the long view--and in the long view, these next few months will go quickly. You can choose to allow your son's mother--who, if you really love your son as I believe you do, deserves MUCH credit from you for what she does every day for him and the commitment she has to him, regardless of your own relationship with her--to make this a gentle process for herself and for him. Or you can choose to turn this into an all out fight--which will serve no one's best interests.

I say wait, and while you are waiting, do some reading on bonding and the toddler breastfeeding relationship with momma--it's MUCH more than just nutrition, though that is critical. And then send her a sweet card to say thank you for being such a caring mom and allow her to feel just a little less pressured by you. In the end, it will pay off in her trust of you and her ability to let you have more contact with him.

Blessings,
Fiora

The part of this situation that I feel I can really give my opinion on is the nursing situation (i nurse my son as well). To go from one night away from mom (one night of no nursing) to 2 nights and 3 days of no nursing and no mom sounds like would be a much bigger transition for your son. Maybe easing into it and slowly adding more time would be an easier transition for him. If his mom wants to continue nursing and is afraid that her supply will be affected if she can't nurse for a few days, then she CAN pump to continue to keep her supply up. It's not an entirely impossible situation on that end. Also, ideally you two could start working on some bedtime strategies that would help you be more resourceful if he got upset in the middle of the night during a longer stay (i.e. drinking milk from a sippy cup).

As a mom, i can totally see how your "ex" is afraid to let her son be away from her for more than one night, not that you aren't competent but just that as a mother it would go against my nature to let him out of my sight for that long. Although from your perspective, i am sure you are feeling that heart tug when you dont see your son for a few weeks as well. Its unfortunate that you both can't be on the same page of putting your son's needs and experience first. As far as dealing with your "ex", just try to validate her that it WILL be h*** o* her to increase custodial time but that you two CAN work together so you have the resources to support your son on those challenging nights where he wants mom and she can feel confident that you have the resources to support him when she isnt around. I am wondering if taking a parenting class together would be a good idea so you can both start getting on the same page to start working together. Maybe even offer to send her text message pictures and videos while he is in your care so she feels connected for the longer stays. There ARE solutions. The important point is that everyone need's and concerns get addressed (including yours). So talk to her and say "what are your concerns and what are your needs while he stays with me for longer periods of time?" That can open up dialogue to start finding solutions.

There has to be a way to work together on this. Your son needs his dad AND his mom.

Good luck Paul.

I am in a similar situation. I did have to let my sons go with their father (even when I didn't necessarily agree) because I really want the boys to know who their father is. I would suggest trying to find ways that will help her feel as comfortable with the situation as possible...bedtime calls, take along nursing milk (freezer or fridge) etc, etc. I know it can be hard dealing with a woman like that, but it sounds like you are a evoted loving father who is getting his heart broken. You are right, it is not fair for your little one to suffer without daddy, but it is also not fair for him to be caught up in the middle...I hope that you and she can find common ground for the sake of baby. I wish you well and will pray for your situation. stay strong and devoted.

S.

Fight for your Rights! I see you have a lot of opinions, but not a lot of advice. I went through my husband's divorce with him (his daughter was 4 months old when it started). I also worked for 2 family law attorneys in our city and dealt with this situation (among others) frequently. The consensus is, if there is no concern for the child's welfare (nursing at 20 months is not a concern, since it is not as much about nourishment as it is about the emotional ties), then local rules should apply. If you are already receiving more time than is stated, then you need to do some work.

Custody should be determined by the courts and you should research your local laws. Some places don't allow for overnight visitation for the first 3 years (especially if you weren't married).

Keep a journal or calendar specifically to back up your situation (write down all time spent with your son and focus on the amount of time and frequency). Make this journal as non-emotional as possible, so it doesn't appear that you are biased (you are, but this is for your son's well-being, not your emotional state of mind).

Contact an attorney so you can draft a plan. If you are lucky, you'll be able to mediate a parenting plan, establish paternity and custody, child support, etc. If she fights you, then you will have a long haul ahead. Here are some starter sites:
http://www.dadsrights.org/
http://www.just4dads.org/resources-attorneys.html
http://www.fathersrights.org/
http://www.fathers-rights.com/

She is being very selfish to deny you the opportunity to spend more time with your son. He needs to have time with Dad, as well as Mom. I nursed both of our children and understand the desire to bond with your child, but at 20 months, going a whopping 48 hours without nursing is not impossible. Pumping is completely acceptable, even if it isn't quite the same.

I wish you the best of luck. As the other woman during my husband's divorce, I couldn't believe the stuff she would pull and she even tried to reduce the time he got to spend with his daughter. His daughter is now almost 15 and we have been providing child support and primary transportation for visitation for almost the whole time. If he doesn't make the effort, he wouldn't get to see her at all, since his ex refuses to drive farther than she has to (claims she can't drive at night, hates driving, etc.). The truth is she's just selfish, much like your ex sounds to me.

I nursed my children, which was quite unusual back then- in the '70s and 80s---- and think your little boys' Mom is being unneccesarily rigid and is making a barrier where one may not exist. The GREAT news is that if you present yourself as well in mediation as you do in these postings--- you should get a positive responce. Clearly---if she is willing to do a 'trial' in July- being that it is already June-- a trial could be done now- and assuming that it goes well--- there would then be no reason not to be more flexible. The other great news is that you are being consistant, open to negotiation- and are looking for ways to improve your connection with this little boy. You will likely find people stumbling over themselves to '''smooth your path''' -- I don't mean the court system will give you every single thing you ask for- but consistancy--flexibility- and being open- minded are NOT something the court system always finds- and you will shine like a star. Repeat after me '''' as long as I am willing to compromise- and as long as I put my energy into my son--- things should go pretty well for me'''' ---

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

As a nursing mom of a 23 month old, I wouldn't let her be away from me for one night let alone 2. There's no way to predict when a toddler will want or need to nurse and there's nothing that can substitute for a breast. Why is having him 2 nights in a row so important to you? It seems that having him for 2 full days and 1 night would allow you the same time together as 2 nights. Please know that I'm not trying to say you shouldn't have time with your son. Kids need both their parents even when they aren't together. It's just that a nursing child (no matter the age) needs to have access to the breast. My daughter won't ask to nurse when she's with my husband for a couple hours, but she wants it when I get back. She's old enough to know that my husband can't provide milk.

Also, it's just a couple more months. Is it better for your son to see you both working together to provide loving environments for him, or for him to see you battling?

Paul - I don't have any experience with divorce or visitation, but I do have experience with 3 baby girls. It has always been difficult for me to take that first step and leave them somewhere else overnight. In fact, I just left my 16 month old for the first time with a good friend while my husband and I spent a night away for our anniversary. Even though she was with her two big sisters and in a familiar home, I was concerned how she would do. (Same story for my older two, when it was their first overnights away, too.)

My daughter nurses when she wakes up, goes down for her nap, and goes to bed. However, it's become very clear that she only associates nursing with me and our bedtime routine. If I need to be out for some reason and my husband or a babysitter has to put her to bed there is not even a request to nurse. With anyone but me my daughter is rocked and perhaps sang to or read books for about 10 minutes and then put in her crib where she falls asleep on her own pretty quickly.

I am in the great position of being able to miss a time or two of nursing without a problem, but you child's mother may have to pump while you have your daughter. I'm pretty sure, though, that your child would be in the same position as mine, and be fine without nursing at this point. It's more behavior now than sustenance, so won't hurt any to miss a couple nursing times.

I would recommend, however, that you try to spend time with your son more often, rather than for a couple overnights every two weeks. If you're going to be a part of his life - a real parent - he needs consistency, not just a vacation twice a month. I'd say go for that instead and you both might be happier.

Blessings on your situation.

Hi Paul,

It sounds like you and the custodial mother are both afraid of losing control. In an effort to gain more control (however well justified), you just might be losing the war by fighting a bunch of smaller battles.

I understand that emotions run really high when a child's life is at stake...but have you ever tried working with your prior partner on a softer level in order to gain greater results?

Forget trying to bend her will...if I were you, I would work on being entirely positive, entirely consistent, and never failing in your son or his needs. Show her through your actions and words that you want your son not as a token of victory (having won a battle), but as an integral part of your life (winning the war).

However much you hate or resent your prior partner, in the long run your child needs for the two of you to respect and love each other on SOME level in order to grow up in a healthy environment.

I am Irish, so I understand temper. I'm also a mom, so I understand the depth of love you express. HANG IN THERE in a very positive and patient way, and your son's mom will have no doubts about your motive. There is great distrust between the two of you now, so the best thing to do is to move slowly, with great intent, and with the bigger long-term picture in mind. Loving your child's mom - on SOME level - is loving your child.

I wish you the best!
M.

Hi Paul...
I didn't read all your responses.
As a mom who nursed until just after two years with both my sons.. I can see your Baby mama's reluctance to want to end the nursing phase. there is nothing quite like the cuddle time.
On the other hand - I can see you want more cuddle time too :)

I know people are saying pumping is the way to go and surely she should just 'buck' up and do it - It's not the entirely the same and there is not really as much milk left at this point,. it's more a bonding time. Because you probably give your son whole milk or formula anyway when he visits you. So my point is, it is not about the milk but about the emotional connections.

If she said she would be ready at 24months/2 yrs of age.. perhaps wait out these last few months. & let's hope it will give her the time to adjust to the change in schedule you all are hoping for.
I believe if you support her in this phase,. she'll remember it and be more supportive when it starts to be more of a daddy/son type bonding later in life.

keep up the good work!! come back and share when you need other mama/single daddy info :)
-marg.

I don't have any advice for you, I've never been in your situation... just wanted to send some support. Sounds like you are doing a great job as a dad and I truly hope your situation improves soon. Great job and good luck!

Hi Paul,

You've asked a very tough question that has no easy answer. Your son may be ready for longer visitations now, while other children in similar situations may not be ready. This is a situation where "one size fits all" doesn't work for everyone. I'm not in a position to say if your son is ready for two consecutive overnights with you or not, but I do have a few thoughts for you about the situation as you've outlined it.

First, I commend you for doing the mediation route. I would caution you to keep things civil, if at all possible. For better or worse, you are going to have a life long relationship with the mother of your child, so if you can keep the relationship positive, the better things will be in the long run. I've seen a lot of relationships like yours go sour, and it's done nothing but cause a lot of pain all around, and that's not good, especially for the children, but I'm sure you know that. You seem like the type of dad who wants nothing but the best for your son; good for you.

Another thought. Since is sounds like the courts are involved, or will be involved, you may want to request that the court assign a guardian ad litum (spelling??) for your son. A guardian like this works in the best interest of your son, and will act independently of you and your son's mother. I don't know how this works exactly in Oregon, but the guardian will most likely talk to you, your son's mom, and other people in you son's life (and maybe spending time with your son), and then make recommendations to the court about what a good visitation schedule might look like. It's something to think about.

I don't know if any of this helps at all. This is a hard situation. The only other thing I can say is to be there for your son, and enjoy the time you have with him. I'm hoping you can get this resolved quickly. Good luck!

Hi Paul,

Even though your son does fine without nursing while he is with you, I think the fact that she says he needs to nurse will probably make any judge side with her. If I were you I would wait till July for the "test" weekend but....
in the meantime, while at mediation you need to push, push, push for as much time with him as you can get. He is little now and has no school to interupt the visitation so even if your work schedule is complicated you should ask for a few hours on Tuesday and Wednesday. Do whatever you can to start the pattern of you seeing him throughout the week, that way when he gets older and does start school it will be easy to show cause that your son is used to it and it wont disrupt his life...that way you might be able to get a more 50/50 split.

Even though my step-sons our 17 and 14 this is the first summer vacation that we get them for more than 3 weeks in a row, even though we split the summer equally. I am just throwing this out there to show how easy it is to get into a pattern and how hard it could be to change. The "no more than 3 weeks in a row" provision was put in the parenting plan when the boys were little and the Mom thought it would be hard for them to be away from her that long.

I applaud your willingness and desire to fight for your right to have your son as much as possible! Good luck!

K.

My ex-husband and his first ex-wife had week on/week of visitation of their children from ages 1 and 3, and they did just fine. there were no behavioral issues, though my oldest stepdaughter had some learning delays, but those were present before her parents split so everyone involved felt it was a non issue. they are now well adjusted 6 and 8 year olds, with no attachment issues, no behavioral problems, no eating malfunctions, no potty issues, nada. the 8 year old still has some learning issues, but again, unrelated.
personally, i feel it's selfish to keep a child away from a non custodial parent. you have as many rights to time with your son as she does, and the same goes for anyone who is divorcing/separated. it isn't about how much the mother misses the child, it's about the child being allowed to form a relationship with their other parent. that said, not every child is ready for consecutive overnights, but you never know until you try.
good luck. i wish my exhusband was as dedicated as you sound, i would feel much better about sending my daughter to his house every other weekend.

If she says in 4 months she will allow this I would wait for that time. No need to start "WW3" over 4 months. Things seem to be semi amicable between you I wouldn't push it. Now if at 2 she backs out of her word and is still not allowing the over nights then you should take your next legal step.

Paul,

No doubt you love your son, I sure his mother does too. We know nothing about her or your past, why she is telling you no etc. I am going through a terrible divorse with an alcoholic father of our 17month old baby girl. I don't deny that I had trouble of my own but have been sober for four years. My soon to be x on the other hand just finished in patient treatment in February for the sixth time and is fighting for full custody of our daughter who now only see's him on Sundays with one or the other of his parents involved. You have to think of the effects on your child. Can you imagine how my daughter is going to feel if she has to have overnight visits with her father who has never once in her life taken care of her through the night? I am the primary care giver, I love her more than anything in this world, as I am sure you do too but it is always about (as another member put it) the battle. I pray everyday not for selfishness as a mother who only wants to spend time with her daughter but for God to decide what would be right for her...be patient, kind and enjoy the time you have with him now. This life goes extremely fast, you are going to blink and he is going to want his first quad! From one parent to another, take your time, if you do need to see an attorney talk about options and try to work it out outside of the courtroom. Who needs that, stress will only make things worse on your son. It will work out for the best, do what you can to better yourself, educate yourself, take parenting classes etc. God Bless you. Like I said, see, it is almost another day closer.

It really has nothing to do with "fairness". The court system will more than not always side with the mother when it comes to the children. Unless there is a substantial change in the mother's life, the judge most likely will continue with the schedule that has been happening for a while. If you are serious about going to court to modify the residential schedule or parenting plan already in place, my suggestion is to get a very good attorney. I hope it works out for you!

Generally, if baby is on bottles, then weekend visits can begin at any time. If baby is nursing, then overnight visits will cause problems with that. After a year, weekend visits are usually expected because nursing is not only not a nutritional requirement, but it is not frequent. I'd be willing to bet that one of the biggest reasons she is still nursing him at this point is so she can say that you can.t have him for longer visits. The standard for a child this age is every other weekend (for the WHOLE weekend), and a few hours one night in the middle of the week. After the second birthday, you should also get a full two weeks every month through the summer. You need to assert your rights and fight for them if you have to. You are really not asking for too much!

Unfortunately I side with the mother. On this I didnt' alow my son to go for more than 1 day until he was 3yrs old. They are still small, and because I don't know know don't know how you really are my I knew my x and he would not take care of my son. He just drops him off with someone else. When i was talking with my lawyer she had told me the most don't start till rougly age 3 but I guess there could be exceptions. They childre are very emotional during this time and they get clingly and there comes times when they don't even want to go and it is very heartshattering having to be required to send you son when he doesn't want to go. Especially at that age. I would at least try to get her to let you see him even if it is not consecutive days a few hour for the other days so that he can start getting you to being with you more. But that is just my opinion. I just saw what my son went through and there were times that it ripped me apart seeing my son cry because he didn't want to go to his dads.

Question: Are you paying child support for this child? If so, then you must be listed on the birth certificate and so have some parental rights. A trip to a lawyer might be in order. If your ex-what ever she was, is using the child to punish you, you are in for a lot of trouble, but you do have more rights than you think. My ex-husband had a full week with his boys, ages 2 and 8 (I think 8) right from the start.
A word of advice: If you do go to court about this, make evey statement you make be about the child and his needs. Say things like, "A boy needs to have a strong father figure in his life." Not, "I want more time with my son."

Dads have more rights than you can imagine... and I found out the hard way, find a good laywer who deals with just fathers... the real problem does not lie with your wife's choices but in our major corrupt justice system we have to abide by

I wish you the best of luck
and fight for your rights you have many

firstly I'd like to say that I'm sorry for the pain you are going through, it truly sounds awful. However, if he's 20 months now, I would just recommend letting her have control for another 4. I think the contention and friction in your relationship with the child's mother by fighting her is going to affect things more negatively with your son than if you just play her game for now and wait another 4 months for her to feel it's the right time. UNLESS she is the type of person who will promise something and then backout. Then you should probably just fight the fight now with her. Good luck to you.

If you have waited all this time why not wait a bit longer? She is not telling you you can never have him for 3 nights she is asking you to wait a little while longer. This is the person that you are going to have to deal with the rest of your and your sons life is it really that much of a big deal to wait til she is ready?

But i would defintly go for shared custody!