Two years ago my bf was verbally abusive in our relatinoship. He got help and now he is not the same person. He no longer lashes out in anger. He has the tools to calm himself down now.
However, he can wear me down with his suggestions about what I should be doing in my personal matters. I have told him nicely to back off .. and he does ..then in no time he is back to wearing me down with suggestions. Even if I don't ask for the suggestions, he gives them.
Recently, b/c of all the stress I have been dealing with in my personal life and being a single mom, I have become depressed. He knows this. But he said something that set me off while we were on the phone the other day. I yelled at him and hung up the phone. I do not normally go off at all. I can count on one hand all the times i have yelled at ANYONE in my life.
Anyway, I followed up w/a very nasty text message. He was totally suprised and asked me if I meant what I said. I told him I meant it at that moment but that I was sorry for saying what I said.
Now, he won't talk to me unless it has to do with our child. I put up with his tantrums for over a year and took him back. But I go off once on him and he needs his space from me?..is tihs a case of him being able to dish it out but not take it?
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. We are talking again. He is still very surprised by what I said but we are taking day by day.
Sounds like you both could do better, no offense.
He seems like he needs someone who will just do what he says and you need someone to just understand you better. I wouldn't stress over it. You seem like you are a busy woman and don't need extra drama. Everyone has drama with significant others, yes, but I would blow my lid if mine told me how to deal with things!
To really answer that I would have to know exactly how mean what you said/texted to him was. You told him you meant it whatever it was, so if it was bad enough than he is well justified in his anger. His past bad behavior does not mean he deserves to be mistreated now, not if you truly forgave him.
He knowingly pushed you past your breaking point, you lost your temper and apologized. You did your part, now he can get over it.
Is he still your boyfriend? Do you really want to live with someone who keeps wearing you down like he does?
I wouldn't. I would dump his big baby behind!
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Just because he is not verbally abusive, doesn't mean that he is not emotionally abusive. I mean you have stated that in your post. He is upset because you dominated him for a moment and he didn't like that. He wasn't in controll and this is just his way of abusing you even more. I would just be happy that he is no longer nagging you on other things. Maybe it's best to just talk about your child and keep it that way. He is your ex after all Okay, if he isn't your ex, maybe he should be.
His needing space may be part of his tool set. He may be at a tipping point with feeling unwanted/needed by you. His suggestions are his way of helping you cope. Are any of them soo outrageous that you can not at least try them? It sounds like he was trying to be supportive (he is still not sure how to be) and you just told him it's not wanted, even thought that is part of the point of being in a relationship ... I wonder if he is still trying to find his place in this relationship.
Is he JUSTIFIED? yes! You yelled at him & hung up AND followed up witha "very nasty text". Of course he's upset. He got help for his issues, and changed his behavior, so its not fair to bring that up & ask why he cant put up with yours. Some people never "go off" or rarely do, but it still hurts & sometimes even more than if they did it all the time. Apologizing but saying you meant it in the moment, may be telling him something, I dont know what you texted, but you obviously hurt him. He may be taking a break, or he may be seriously considering what you said & wondering why you are together if you feel that way.
well, you changed the rules of your interactions with him & he doesn't like it.
Does he have to? NO.....but he also doesn't have to take your backlash either. Nobody likes being on the receiving end of bad emotions.
& Honestly, you are still on the receiving end of his bad emotions. The fact that you said that he can still wear you down.....means that your relationship is still somewhat dysfunctional. Take this event for what it's worth.....& leave it at that.
Be the bigger person & move on.....Peace......
K.,
You were stressed and depressed and you went off. He's a big boy he should be able to take it, realize that it wasn't personal, and get the hell over it. I'm with you on this. I do think he's justifiably hurt, of course, but because you apologized for your emotional outburst, he shouldn't be carrying this over so much.
Everybody has emotional outbursts from time to time. It doesn't mean we should we horse-whipped for it for christ sake. You apologized.
Good luck!
Think of it like this: When you lashed out at him and treated him the way he used to treat you, it was like offering an alcoholic in rehab a drink. And he had a glimpse of what he used to be like. The fact that you've rarely behaved that way before doesn't excuse it especially if you weren't justified in your behavior.
You need to apologize to him completely. Don't qualify it with, "I meant it at the time, but I'm sorry I said it." That's a lameass apology. That's not a genuine, real apology. "Honey, I'm so sorry that I snapped at you and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong for lashing out at you, for yelling at you, and for sending you that nasty text message." Full stop. Own up to it. Don't become the person he used to be.
In other words, yes he's completely justified.
EDIT: Plus what someone else said upthread that taking some time and space apart could be one of his tools/strategies to ensure that he doesn't rise to the bait and react poorly and in anger when someone goads him and treats him badly.
You yourself used the word "depressed." He got help a while back; now it's time for you to get help yourself. You were all in favor of his getting help, so be in favor of it for yourself too.
Your following up with "a nasty text message" indicates you couldn't control that impulse -- and controlling those impulses is something we have to do, or how will we teach kids to do it?
After you apologize to him -- yeah, that is something you should do, even though he is overreacting -- tell him you are on your way to see a doctor and get a full screening for depression symptoms and would like to have his support. If you are indeed depressed you can't deal with it alone; you need a professional to help. And you also need his support. You weren't clear if you live together or not, but you do have a child together and will have to interact on things related to your child. At a minimum, he can communicate with you and get past this one incident. At the best, he and you will continue as a couple. He may not realize that you are ill (which you are if you are depressed). Once he "gets" that your illness was talking and not you, he should support you as you supported him through his issues.
And both of you together could look into couples counseling and parenting classes since there seems to be a lack of communications skills. But first, see a doctor about depression. You want to be at your best for your child and depression prevents that.
You were angry and looking to pick a fight.
You yelled on the phone then followed it up with a nasty text.
He's had training to learn to control his temper and his training probably stresses walking away (keeping distance) before things become explosive.
An anger management class for you might be a good idea.
It sounds like he got help & recovered from the issues he had....and he is applying the lessons he learned to help you through your personal matters. I think he is trying to help you. I think it's common for a person to be "rehabilitated" so to speak, to try to help others w/ the methods that worked on them. I think you should apologize again. If he is truly recovered from his issues, he may have the attitude that he doesn't want to be around people who act the way he used to. Give him another try.
Without knowing exactly what you said, I'd say it's a case of not being able to take what he's dished out.
One thing that guys don't do well is get hints. Even if you're not asking for suggestions/help, he'll give it because he wants to help 'fix it'. So, unless you make a disclaimer before your vent or conversation with, 'I need to vent and talk. I just need you to listen. I'm not looking for a fix or help. I know you want to help, but I just need to fix it on my own.' Then say what you need to say. When he starts telling you how to handle the situation, use the time-out symbol and reiterate your 'I just need you to listen' segment.
Wearing you down, with his suggestions, sounds a little antagonistic to me. He was crossing a boundary with you & you may have over-reacted, but you still have the right to say no to & have that person stop the first time you ask. Does he need to hear your no?
Men have short memories. He probably isn't associating your outbursts will his litany of previous outbursts. Since it is so unlike you to lose it, he probably takes what you said very seriously. Sounds like you said you are sorry. Let him know that you love him and could use his support and understanding during a difficult, stressful time.
Ok, here is a different take on this. I kind of liken it to people who are married to alcoholics who get treatment. Now they are not in the same relationship, because they are different people. Sick as it is, oftentimes the old relationship worked or was exciting for some reason. And the partner and the alcoholic both blame it on the alcoholic. There are two people here. Is it possible that you are trying to figure out how to deal with this unpredictable person now? Before he was predictable, now he uses his tools and you still feel the same emotions that we all feel when angry. And perhaps you feel a little safer getting angry now that he has those tools. If you wish to remain in this relationship you both need a little therapy is my guess. And he won't see it for what it is (yes of course he can't take it because it's not him doing it) so he is probably shocked you are different too. You got a little stronger and he is not weak he just knows how to handle this another way. I would also guess that him not talking to you surprised you as he might have gone and kicked a cabinet before (don't know exactly what his deal was). You two need to talk and talk somewhere in public, and perhaps join eachother for counseling or some alanon type programs (not saying you or he has that problem, but family counseling) or let go and move on to a contemporary relationship that fits both of your new personalities.
2 wrongs don't make a right.
