Advice in Dealing with Daughter Who Is in Her Mid 30'S .

I think you should sit down with her and explain that she is 35 years old, a fully grown adult and that you are not her social secretary and are not responsible for her happiness. She needs to make herself happy. Her counselor should be telling her this while he's telling her she's entitlted to her feelings which she is, but she needs to know that it's her making herself unhappy, not everyone else.

Wow, I would not tolerate that behavior very well.

Her counselor is right in that her feelings are her feelings. But good grief,
other people are entitled to their lives and feelings too.

35 seems a bit late in the game to learn the lesson that competent adults are responsible for their own happiness, but she needs to learn it. You guys won't be around forever.

Her counselor is right. She is entitled to her feelings.

HOWEVER - and this is BIG - her counselor should also be telling her that no one is responsible for her feelings but herself. No one can "make" her feel anything. (And he or she may be telling her that, she may just be choosing to only hear the part that benefits her and gets her "off the hook.")

Feelings are information. If she's that upset that you will not be spending Christmas morning with her because she admits she has no friends, then perhaps her emotions are REALLY coming from the fact that she has no friends.

If her counselor won't help to understand this, then you need to understand it, ingrain it in your brains and hearts, and help her try to understand this every time she tries to blame you for her feelings.

"Honey, I understand you're upset that we spent Christmas morning with X. You feel lonely and abandoned. You are entitled to those feelings. However, our actions did not CAUSE those feelings. Someone else in your situation might have felt relief that she didn't have entertain her parents on Christmas. I hope that you can identify what is really causing those emotions. If you're lonely, and feel even lonlier when we leave, then perhaps that emotion is telling you that you need to develop some relationships outside of us so you won't feel so lonely."

Sure, she's entitled to her feelings.
She's also entitled to be the master of her own life.
How can she have it so together in some areas and yet respond (as someone else said) like a 2 year old with angst, tears and fury?
I hope that her counseling will help her get through this.

Oh--and I agree with the other posters that, while she is entitled to feel what she feels, she's not entitled to control your actions! I'm sure you weren't purposely excluding her--she may have had business obligations that made it impossible for her to join you....? And you were back in time to share part of Christmas Day--apparently just not enough of it for her liking?

I find her reaction, at 35, over the top.....and I, too, would be concerned about her emotional state...is it possible to sit in with her in a counseling session to discuss her reaction?

I remember O. Thanksgiving, my siblings and I had plans with our in-laws but my husband, son and I were still going to try to squeeze in dinner #2 with my mom & stepfather (thinking we didn't want them to be alone on a holiday). My mother very politely (not these words) said to not "do her any favors as she didn't relish the thought of making an entire Thanksgiving dinner, and all of the work that entails, for 4 adults and a small child. They went out instead! Did it kind of stink not seeing her on that day? Sure. But she had her husband with her, we saw them the next day, etc.....

as a parent, I hope that I will forever be a part of my sons' holidays & life events. I am 49 & have never spent a Christmas without my Mom. Does that make me needy or suicidal? Nope! It means that....as a functioning family - all living within 2 hours of each other....we ALL make every effort to be together for most events. My situation is very different from yours.

In your daughter's case, this is part of her ongoing issues. When you say her "counselor said"...did the counselor say it to you....or is your daughter relaying the message? Sounds like it's time for group therapy....so you can hear these words directly!

The very fact that you mention "her final straw"....do you consider her to be suicidal? That's what it sounds like. If this is the case, then it's time for you to step away & allow the dr to help her. I do believe that you realize that NO 35yo should present "fury & tears & angst"....that is what you would expect from a 2yo......& you know it.

While your daughter may be financially successful, she does have issues. Your entire post reflects your feelings & opinions of her. I do believe that the "tough love" attitude is about 15 years too late.....let the counselor help her, let her know you support her....but be very careful not to carry her.

& I'm curious: why didn't she make plans to go with you to visit family on Christmas morning? Was she not welcome....or does she require your total focus? Something to think about......

Wishing you & your family: Peace!

She is entitled to her feelings, but so are you and you also have the right to not be hostage to her feelings. Her counselor is doing her a disservice if she is not helping your DD work through the feelings and find a healthy way to deal with them. You cannot be hostage to her constant demands for being responsible for her emotional stability.

I wouldn't cut her off, but I'd do things to encourage her to find her own friends and put up healthy emotional boundaries. I bet your DH is tired of the hissy fits anytime it's not all her way. If she's codependant, then read up on it and how to deal with someone who acts like that. Think of it this way - if you got abducted by aliens, she would be forced to cope. Give her the tools now and don't feel guilty for spending time with another of your children (does that other family get shafted over Sister's emotional outbursts?). Her fury is emotional blackmail. 35 is WELL beyond the time when tantrums are acceptable.

If she cannot cope with finding something else to do on Christmas morning, then she needs a new counselor or something.

I am so sorry you are going through this! Your daughter was very selfish! You got some great advice here, but what really stuck out to me is what Malia B said about how she is not entitled to hold you hostage to her feelings. That was EXCELLENT and 100% true.

If I were you (and I'm not so you can take this or throw it out!), I would calmly tell her that her behavior was uncalled for and that even though she felt deserted, she wasn't! You could tell her that next time you expect that she rationally tell you how she feels instead of guilting you with fury, tears and angst. She has to consider your feelings as well as her own.

You are not responsible for how she chooses to live her life. If she reaches her final straw, that's on HER, not on you. Be free!

Yes, SHE is entitled to those feelings, but she is NOT entitled to hold YOU hostage to them.

Is there a way for all of you to get into a group counseling session of some kind? That way the counselor can act as mediator for both of you, and maybe she can see where she needs to branch out to other people. In some way, she does need to get involved with other people and activities. How, I'm not sure.

She needs to join some clubs that do fun stuff she likes, like a hiking club or bicycling club or walking club or book club or knitting lessons or art lessons or something that meets maybe weekly and has social interaction. There are so many options, just at a craft or knitting store, or at some kind of wildlife organization. She could volunteer to help others in any capacity, which will give her some social contact and self esteem. Or perhaps go to work at a bigger company where there will be social interactions during the day and possibility of finding women friends to talk to. Running her own business may just be another way to avoid a lot of social stuff at work.
You and hubbie could move far away to where you wish to retire to, or at least let her know that you are ready for the next stage of your life which means seeing family occasionally but not daily. I agree with your husband, and all the other postings below that say that she may be entitled to her feelings but she is not entitled to run or ruin your golden years.

Good advice below.

Her final straw for what? What do you fear will happen if you use tough love? What does "over the edge" look like to you?

Don't think of it as tough love, think of it as your little bird finally being pushed from the nest. It's time. She needs to find friends. Also, why couldn't she have gone to the other child's house, if she wanted to be with family so much?

Don't coddle her any more, it's not good for her.

I am going to have to go with hubby. He was looking forward to a nice time with the other child and this one just had a meltdown. He is tired of always being at beck and call of this one.

Your 35 year old is acting like a 3 year old. When does one cut the cord? You have heard that mother birds push their young out of the nest and they learn to fly for flop. It is time for her to do just that. No one is responsible for making another person happy only that person can do that. You can encourage a child but you can't be everything to them after 18 or 19. Will she see you in the nursing home when you go? Will she care for you when you are older? If no then you need to train her to be self-sufficient now while you are still around.

I have a 34 year old daughter that is out on her own and working, has her own apartment and a car and is not worrying about what we did for the holidays. She had to work but that is the only reason she didn't come home to see her brother, SIL and nephew and meet the new grandpuppy.

Somewhere when she was growing up someone didn't help her cut the cord. She maybe entitled to her feelings but so are you. You can stand your ground and let the game begin but don't give in. Who is going to care for her when you are gone? No one! So get her ready now.

Tough love, it hurts but it sure feels good when it is done right.

Counselor is right we are entitled to our feelings and only that. You can't push them off on anyone else.

The other S.

You are enabling her to not get what she may really need. She is successful but doesn't have friends. So that begs an answer is she a workaholic or have social phobias and protects herself by working and clinging to you. She is an adult who knowing your plans could have come with you ar found something to do. She sounds like she needs to learn how to find places to get soscially involved. She needs to find a non work club to dive into and do the activity and friends should come about. Here are other factors...does she exercise, is she over or underweight, does she have any disabilities or disfigurements holding her hostage? I'd go with tough love as I know we all want our kids to be loved by us and others and don't want to perceive that they will fail and blame ourselves if they do but sooner or later you won't be there and available what will she do then. At least right now if she falls and runs back to you there is time to treat the wounds and tell her she will be okay and sent her right back out to play.

As long as you keep doing what you've been doing, you are enabling her to continue to ignore her problems & not be well.

Your husband is right. She has you so manipulated that you think something bad will happen if you sever ties with her, when in reality, it's exactly what she needs.

Based on her emotional state & guilt trips, my advice is to write her a letter explaining that you love her very much, but that you will need to distance yourself from her until she can learn how to have other meaningful relationships & not rely on only you for her happiness. She needs the push, and will not do so until you take action. It will hurt & will be hard, but you ALL deserve for her to be a healthy, social, mentally & emotionally stable person.

Sometimes people need to fall, to be alone, with just themselves, to deal with what type of person they've become, and to admit their problems. She will need to do that herself. You cannot fix her, she needs to fix herself. Stop enabling her.

She sounds co-dependent. You, unfortunately, may be enabling her by feeling guilty and giving in. I would suggest slowly distancing yourself until you think it's a comfortable relationship with your adult daughter. Right now sounds too intense. Yes, she should be seeking friends of her own, but maybe too tied up in her business to do that. This is up to her to find the balance. At any rate, the best thing you can do for her is to give her space (not enable the co-dependency). GL.

My mom is here living with me to help with the kids and keep me company while my husband is gone on military duty (11 months so far, with 10 more to go). One of the things I assumed was part of that was being with me for Christmas so that I wouldn't be missing him so much.
On Christmas day we had breakfast at my aunts house together, then after my mom said she was following me home in her car to spend the rest of the day together, she texted me and said she was actually going to a movie with her boyfriend of three days and wouldn't be back til later. She came home 10 hours later.
Was I furious? yes. Was I crying? yes. Did I feel abandoned? yes.
We, though, have a whole host of other things going on. Like me feeling sad about a lost baby who was due to be born on Christmas day, like my husband being absent when we thought he would be here, like my mom having a new boyfriend and all that is wrapped up in new feelings and old feelings (missing my dad who died many years ago, for example). I ate left overs for Christmas dinner by myself after a quick call to my sisters and seeing that the whole rest of my family was together where I couldn't be for financial reasons, it was very lonely and sad.
There are some stark differences in my story and yours. I wasn't told ahead of time, or given any other options for what I could do on Christmas. If I had known she was going out for the whole day I would have called friends and local family and made my own plans so I wasn't alone. I am living in circumstances beyond my control (the military doesn't care who misses christmas!), and I have huge emotional correlations between Christmas and loss. (My lost baby - and the other three I've lost - and the fact that my husband is getting a vasectomy in three days so we have no chance of having any more)
BUT - I cried and was angry while she was gone, not when she got home. I am not going to use my feelings to make her feel bad about her choices or to make her choose differently, that would just make her resentful that her grown up daughter was keeping her from her own happiness. The next day when she said it must have been nice for me to spend Christmas day alone I responded calmly but firmly "actually, it was very lonely and sad." She was shocked, and later apologized with tears saying she had never meant to make me feel that way. I told her that I originally wasn't going to say anything because I am not trying to make her feel bad, but I didn't want to lie when she brought it up. I explained all the things that were going on that day emotionally for me and told her that I thought she was going to keep me company, and when she left without letting me know ahead of time I was surprized and upset. She apologized again and said that was not her intention at all. We hashed it out and the end result is that we both feel better and realize that better communication should have happened ahead of time on both our parts.
There was no fury, although there were some tears. We are both adults and if we want our happiness to be dependent on each other, we need to give the terms ahead of time - aka "I want to spend christmas day with you. if you want to spend it with your boyfriend, could you invite him over here? I have a hard time on christmas day and would really like some company, could you stay home please?" She still has the freedom to choose otherwise, but I know that she is my mom and she loves me, and if my requests (or hers to me) are reasonable, she (or I) will do what she can to fulfill my requests.
You daughter needs to learn to communicate ahead of time, and make requests that are realistic. Is asking to spend Christmas day with her family reasonable? absolutely. Is making her find her own happiness and learn to have friends reasonable? of course, but not ON christmas day. The day is over and done with, all you can do is move foward. I agree that maybe you could start doing some outside activities with her and get her involved in things she might enjoy, then you can start to back out slowly and let her find that there are friendships waiting for her outside of her mother. Maybe even find people that she may enjoy and go on a three person "date" to introduce them, make planned activities to happen once a week and then "drop out" of the picture while their friendship blossoms. Maybe she is too enmeshed with you and will not continue the friendship, but this is only something she can control. You can only do what you can do, and it sounds like you love her and only want her to be whole and healthy. Knowing what you do about her, just do what you can, then pull back a bit. Love her, but push her a bit. Good luck, this sounds like it's a long road ahead.

One of my best friends growing up, and still is (I am 36) is a 32 year old male that still acts like a 15 year old.
When I say 15 I don't mean hormonal, horny, bad a$$, boy trying to be a man. I mean the super dependent, babyish, fit throwing, scared out of his wits, boy that acts kinda like a man.
He has OCD, Phobia's I cant count, Social awkwardness, and fear of being alone. This guy is successful, wealthy, smart - bordering on mad genius, handsome, in great shape, and kind to a too-trusting default.
However, he lived with his parents till 25, he bought a house, no kidding, 2 blocks away and he walks there every day to take a shower, eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He still has birthday parties his mom throws every year complete with Star Trek or space themes. She invites tons of people, but only the same 4 people that knew him from High School keep coming back.

We never even liked one another in school, and the only reason we are friends, is cause he once called my brother when we were 19, to come with him to a casino. My brother hated him in HS and was totally mean to him on the phone. So I took the phone and apologize to him, and he asked me to go. I was bored, and I went. Since that night its like he is a parasite. For the next 15 years he was a surrogate son/pet... Its strange to call him a friend cause I don't really consider him as such, but more a burden. Sad I know, why are we still friends? It's like I feel if I completely cut him off, something bad will certainly happen and its gone on so long that its more normal to me than not. Up until 5 years ago, I had to go with him to clients, movies, dinner, watch shows at certain times, had to console him if someone at work yelled at him, and be their if his parents went anywhere with out him.
When I started having kids I had to put a stop to it and it was sudden, with out explanation. He kinda went crazy, and then he upped his dependency on his parents who are now in their late 80's. I really dont know what he is going to do when they pass. I guess my ex-husband will have to take on another pet. I know when I broke contact he was threatening suicide, and cried, and had fits, and threw things I gave him out his window. I just ignored him. After a year of the childish pouting, he finally started contacting me again, and we are hesitantly communicating and visiting again. However I do NOT bring my kids anywhere near him yet.
The guy has two therapists, two doctors he sees 2 times a week, and is on nameless medications. Its really really really sad. We, and by we that means everyone that knows him. Have tried all we can to help and break some of this stuff but its never worked. He constantly reverts back to this childlike state. I think once you enable someone for that length of time, they are too set in there ways to change properly. It just changes into another issue they come up with.

She certainly is entitled to her feelings, but that's "all" they are. That doesn't mean you have to cater to them. Recognize them, tell her you understand, and then move on.

She sounds as if she's still emotionally a toddler, and since she didn't get things her way at Christmas, her routine and expectations were disrupted, she had a temper tantrum. How would you deal with a toddler tantrum? Recognize it, tell her you understand, and move on. If the tantrum persists and she continues with a bratty attitude you would put a toddler in time out. Put her in an adult time out. If she insists on talking about this one thing, refusing to let it go, change the subject, walk away, ignore it, hang up. "I'm sorry you feel this way. I understand. I love you. It would have been nice if you had joined us. I'm not going to talk about this with you again because it's over. When you're ready to talk about something else, I'm here for you. I was hoping to talk about maybe catching a movie next weekend when you're ready to talk. Call me tomorrow." ::click::

Then she'll have her warning. If she continues with the emotional manipulation, you can say, "I warned you that the subject was closed. I'm hanging up now." "I warned you that I wasn't going to discuss this." and then change the subject.

The key will be using "I" statements and that will help avoid making statements that sound like criticisms that she can twist around. If you can make this habit, you won't have to walk on egg shells around her. She sounds very insecure, and almost as if she believes you "chose" her sibling over her.

"I'm sorry, I can't meet you for dinner tonight but I'm available on Friday."

"I have book club on Thursday and was planning to meet up with your brother on Saturday, but would love to go see that movie we were talking about this coming Friday or Sunday."

She needs to know you have a life outside of her, but are still open to making plans that include her. How she reacts that is her choice and it's not up to you to make sure she responds well. If she responds poorly, well, it's not your fault.

She needs to get out and make friends of her own, and not depend on you to be her entire social circle.

Galatians 6:2-5

New International Version (NIV)

2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load.

We are designed to care for one another, but your daughter must learn to carry her own load. She mustn't hold you responsible for her constant company or provider of happiness. She must learn to find those things on her own. Read the book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It is a good read that will help both of you find appropriate boundaries for each other without feeling a sense of desertion on her part and massive guilt on yours. I agree that tough love doesn't necessarily work, but she must be held accountable for her actions, so you don't enable this behavior. Good luck and God Bless!
A.

If she was upset about not being with family on Christmas, why didn't she go with you to visit the other family member?

I don't think that being single has anything to do with it here. I think its more about changing tradition. My sister, who is mid-30s and dating someone was upset with me because I had my family come over Christmas Eve for dinner with that side, which meant that no one was up to going to Christmas Eve service, which just upset her because I was messing up HER traditions! I hosted Christmas once, minutes away from my inlaw's house. My BIL (30 at the time) said that it just wasn't Christmas because they didn't get to stay the night at his Dad's house and that he hoped I didn't host Christmas again so that he could have his traditions back. ...

Perhaps she needs to be encouraged to start some new holiday traditions. Get together with other friends that are single, or whose family is out of town, stay in a hotel and order room service, etc.

Sounds like youv'e enabled her all her life, never made her go out and make friends. Why should she when she's got you and dad. I'm not trying to be mean but what is going to happen when the two of you are gone. Who's going to babysit here then. Your husband is right TOUGH love, her counselor is also right she is entitled to her feelings. Everyone is. But as parents of grown children YOU are entitled to your golden years. If she can't handle being alone for a few short days what else can't she handle. Sounds like it's eaiser to just give in to her than make her accountable for her actions. SHE'S AN ADULT and should act like one. If she's making threats to get her way then call her bluff that's what most parents due with their children. As long as you allow her to get away with it she will.

Your daughter's counselor is correct that the girl is entitled to her feelings. However, others are entitled not to adopt her feelings for themselves. I'm thinking, from reading your post, that she has other issues. Most thirty-something women I know or have heard of would be ticked pink not to have to spend Christmas with their parents, however the parents may feel about it.

I hope the counselor will use this situation to help your daughter learn how to make good alternative decisions when things don't happen the way she expects them to.

If it were my daughter, she would be coming with us if we weren't going to be home with her for Christmas. I would never want one of my children spending Christmas alone. That is just too sad. Even if she had loads of friends, they would most likely be with their own families. Christmas should be one where everyone can gather and feel welcome, not left to themselves alone. What about this situation requires tough love? She wants to be with you for Christmas, and not alone. It's not like she is a drunk or druggie and needs help getting through those addictions. Please, have compassion for her, treat her as your daughter, include her in your family events with open arms, not merely toleration.