In Laws That Are Smothering????

Tenderly. Read, "Boundaries". Find a marriage therapist. Look at big churches, they sometimes have counselors there.

Don't bring it up when things are bad. Wait till a neutral time. Tell him, I think things in our relationship could improve. I would like to get some help with our communication. Present it as sincerely and firmly as possible. Tell him, he can look around and choose a therapist or you will.

You need a third, neutral party.

I suggest that you are the one to set boundaries for yourself. I suggest your husband gets defensive because he doesn't know what to do. Also, it may sound like you want him to change them. Know that setting boundaries after the relationship has settled into a pattern is difficult. You cannot change them. You also cannot change yourself. They want closeness. You want more distance. You will need to meet them somewhere in the middle.

I'd start by listing specifically what bothers you. Put it on paper. Don't try to talk about them with your husband until you take the next step of deciding how you would want them to treat you. Then plan together how you can act so that they will respect your boundaries.

Start with just a couple of situations. Don't try to change everything at once. Once your husband understands what you need and ways to help this happen he can talk with his parents.

This will be a difficult conversation. I suggest both of you consult with a counselor or life coach to learn how to have a conversation in a positive way. It's essential to be open to their needs too.

Perhaps if you give a couple of specific examples I could illustrate how to deal with them.

Can I just suggest that your pastor is not doing his job? Counseling only being for pre-married people? I have never heard of that, it might be time to find a new church that will support you, not alienate you.

Oh boy...I can feel your pain. My DH comes from a large irish, Catholic family. They have different ideas of personal space. My DH grew up with 2 extended relatives living in the same house and his aunt's family 2 doors down. I am an only child of a completely dysfunctional, horrible childhood.

My MIL thinks that if you mention something in passing that you are automatically asking for her opinion. They believe that they are entitled to every personal detail of our lives. Not only that, my MIL thinks that she is entitled to share our information with everyone in the family. When I complained to my DH, he told me that if I didn't want everyone to know something, then don't tell his Mom. Ok, fine. SO, I went by that and the next thing I know, HE is telling her the very things that I considered private. So then he got angry and asked if he needed to vet everything he told his Mom through me...

The only way I have found to deal with it is to severely limit our time with them...and it still has its issues...

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I am glad you sought marriage counseling but I am shocked that your pastor told you it's only for unmarried people? WHAT? So married people can't have problems that they work out, they just have to live with each other and be unhappy? Some churches and denominations have a particular type of counseling for engaged couples, but that doesn't mean they turn away others. In fact, marriage counseling is a huge (and often unseen) part of what many pastors/priests/rabbis do. I would suggest you find a church when you can go to a pastor for anything that is troubling you.

Get another counselor. Your physician (primary care or gynecologist) can refer you to someone who accepts your insurance. You can also ask friends for referrals if you are comfortable doing this. Otherwise call your town's office of Family and Children's Services (or any similar name - if you can't find it, call the town hall and ask which office handles these things) - they often have staff and accept clients on a sliding scale based on income, or they can make referrals.

This problem is not with your in-laws. It's with your husband. You and he cannot communicate without him becoming defensive. It sounds like you have some things in common actually - you were raised with parents who expect to maintain a tight hold on you even when you are adults. You have figured out a way to deal with your own parents, but your husband has not. You and he must find ways to talk about difficult subjects and to forge your own path. Marriages must be based on shared core values and on mutual respect. Every marriage deserves a good chance and sometimes you need to get expert and objective advice.

You don't say too much about what is bothering you, but for me, my husband was at work while I entertained the in laws...more like took the beating.

It finally all took the big deuce when we were fighting. The timing was wrong, but I finally said I would no longer entertain them. They are his parents and are there to visit with him. Therefore, he should ask them to visit during a time that he can visit with them. I don't know how he did it, but it happened. My visits with them are much better.

Otherwise, perhaps you need to back off a little and let them visit their son from time to time.

Like I said, you don't offer much information, so I can only throw a few suggestions out there, which are off the wall guesses.

I think that you and your husband should agree about where you draw the line around your marriage--with lots of discussion--and then apply that to EVERYBODY. That's the general way to handle it. The specific way would be to address each issue on a case-by-case basis and let that build a pattern that everybody will pick up on and get used to.

Keep in mind that, because you come from different places, different backgrounds, people will tend to just do what they're used to doing unless you give them reason think otherwise. The longer you let it go and think about it, but the bigger it will be when it does finally come up, and you don't necessarily want a blowout, right? You just want your boundaries to be respected and, probably, understood.

I don't know your marital history. If you haven't been married long or if this has never come up, then maybe you can casually mention it in conversation, maybe a group conversation. You don't have to address anyone in particular, but you can offer up your feelings about something and then explain how you have come to feel this way. This will get the ball rolling, and it can remain open for discussion. Once you feel understood, you might even ease up a bit. Maybe you and your husband never established your rhythm and it feels like you are following somebody else's rhythm.

(I feel like I'm rambling, but I hope that I have said something that is helpful. You don't sound like you are asking for too much, generally speaking. I just can't tell much without more detail about how you and your husband interact with each other and respond to these so-called intrusions and what it is that is getting under your skin. I just know that talking with a mate about the differences between you and his/her family of origin can be a little tricky.)

Imagine raising your child for 28 years and then being divorced, aging, and socially lonely. I will be that MIL. I hope that my DIL will owe me gratitude for raising a son that will not turn his back on the person who raised him. That same kind of man will probably not turn his back on you when you gain weight, get gray hairs and have wrinkles.

Why does he have to change to accept your ways rather than you changing your selfishness?

This is a running theme. Your husband has to step up, otherwise it will worsen. I can attest. Review my older posts. The in-laws become runaway freight trains when they are not told and shown how their overbearing behavior impacts others. Good luck!