MIL Wants to Be in the Delivery Room

Updated on August 13, 2013
C.M. asks from Bartlett, IL
62 answers

My MIL was in the delivery room for all her grandkids so far--my husband's first wife, and my SIL's first child. She will probably be in the delivery room for my SIL's second child too.

I don't want her in the delivery room for my first baby. For one, I envision it a private time between my husband and me and I want to feel relaxed and having someone else there would just be a distraction to me. The second reason is if I let my MIL in then I have to let my own mother in or she'd be totally resentful for the rest of her life. I don't want my mother in there! I love her dearly but she makes me nervous with her personality of always worrying and flitting back and forth. I feel that she'd constantly be hovering, be making comments that would make me feel nervous, and generally be a chatty distraction too. I really think I'd freak out if I had both my mother and his mother there.

My mother isn't asking to be in the delivery room and she wouldn't ask. She knows I would not let her, that's the kind of relationship we have. She knows the boundaries I set. However, she would freak out if I let his mother in and that would make her want to be there too.

My husband never sets any such boundaries with his mother and so she is upset that I don't want her in there. She keeps saying how his first wife had her there and it's so important for her to be present for the birth of HER grandchild, how I don't want her to be close to her grandkid, yaddah yaddah. I have been letting my husband handle it so far but she's still upset.

I don't feel that being present IN THE ROOM for the birth of her grandchild has anything to do with her being close to her! Can't she still be close to her grandchild after? They are welcome to come see the grandchild immediately after. For heaven's sake--they live across the street from the hospital where I'm delivering!!

What did you do for the births of your babies?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thanks for the support! It has been really bothering me because she keeps talking about her first granddaughter's birth--how she was THERE, and she cut the cord and got to hold the baby. My husband says HE cut the cord, but his mom keeps running around saying she did it so he just lets her. He also has boundary issues with his daughter. His mother is always sweeping her away and taking her places. Which is FINE, because it's nice that her and her granddaughter are so close. When she can't get what she wants through my husband, she goes through is ex wife. I want my daughter to be close to her grandmother, but I will be her mother and my husband will be her father and that is the end of the story. Yes, I forsee boundary troubles in the future!

I think it's a good idea not to call her until after the birth. Then she won't even know to come to the hospital. I'm pretty sure I will want some quiet time with my husband and our new baby before the family swoops in!

My parents live out of state so they will probably be in town and staying with us around the time the baby is born. I'm glad to know I don't need to treat my MIL and my own mother equally!

My husband was a super young father, and his wife as well. I can understand both of them wanting the support of their parents at that time as both of them were scared. Now my husband is an experience father and a grown man. I hope he no longer needs his mommy by his side!

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answers from Tampa on

No way in hell...period. I only had my husband and the medical staff for my two. That was plenty. It is a private event and I would not want to be exposed to a bunch of people. She will just have to throw her little fit and get over it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Roanoke on

Oh hell no, haha. Husband and me and doctors ONLY. I think I'd flip out if my MIL was in there or tried to get in there with me. That is a place for the expecting couple to meet their new baby. The others can wait, period.

Don't let her try to guilt-trip you into it, either! You're the one pushing that baby out, YOU get to call the shots.

If I were you, I wouldn't even call until after the baby is born. She is being very selfish about this.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

It was my husband and I only. That's how I wanted it to be. I don't want my mother or MIL to see my privates. It's the way I am.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Lansing on

I told my husband if he was comfortable having my mom watch his vasectomy when the time came then I'd be ok with letting his mom watch the birth of our children. He got the point.

It just wasn't something I was comfortable with sharing with the whole world. It was hard enough being that exposed to the Dr's and hospital workers. I wasn't about to expose myself to people I had to see on a daily basis that I wasn't comfortable with.

I invited anyone to come in immediately following. And yes my MIL got to watch her other two DIL's have their babies. It just wasn't something I was willing to budge on.

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Fargo on

It's not about her. It's about you and your husband meeting your little one!

In my opinion, the one pushing a giant head out of her vagina gets to call the shots. :)

Stand your ground! I hope your husband finally starts setting some boundaries with her and supports you.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You are in charge of how you want the delivery to go.

No guilt. zero. When you get to the hospital have a note that states your birth plan that includes, no one but your Husband is to be in the room from the time you are dilated to a certain amount.. Or have it state no one but husband is allowed in the delivery room unless you give verbal permission.

Warn them they are to politely escort her out, or they have your permission to call security if she refuses.

And I would warn your husband, if he cannot speak up to his own mother, the hospital can have security do it for the both of you.

This is one of the most private experiences you will have. Your husband needs to understand this. She was not invited to witness during the conception and is now also not invited to witness the birth.. He left his first obviously, this marriage needs to be different,

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

She needs to understand that it's not about HER or HER grandchild. YOU are the one doing all the work of delivering YOUR baby. YOU are the one with your feet in the air, no underwear, with a doctor's face and hands in your crotch trying to coax another person out of it. YOU get to decide who is and isn't present, and you owe NO ONE an explanation or an apology.

My parents and my sister were there when my daughter was born but that was because I wanted them there, and I asked them to be there.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita Falls on

Talk to the delivery room nurses. They will take the heat for kicking anyone and everyone (short of the doctor) out of your delivery room. If you request it, they will tell would be spectators that this is the hospital's or doctor's policy and that they cannot change it. They want a relaxed happy mom-to-be (as much as possible at least), not a stressed wreck and will do what they can to make that happen. Use them.

But there is a bigger issue here. You need to have a discussion with your husband. Make it clear that you are the #1 woman in his life and you cannot make this work from the #2 seat. Things will only get worse if he doesn't learn to stand up to mom. And before he tries to put it off, let me tell you, there is no better time or easier way to do this. There will be a fight and she will not like it. Just bite the bullet and do it or you will deferring to her opinion for the rest of her life and regretting and resenting it every step of the way.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Chattanooga on

Just say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with anyone but my husband being there." Anyone who wants to press it further than that, can just get over it! Tell your husband to tell his mom that this entire situation is not about her... It's about YOU!

Other than that, you can enlist the nurses to help you. ;) When I filled out my hospital paperwork, they had me write down a list of people welcome in my room during labor, as well as a list for people welcome during the birth. I put down ONLY my husband, so no one else was allowed to stay. Period.

I am quite a bit closer to my MIL than I am to my own mother... But there is no way in HELL I would want her in the room with me! I am a fairly private person, and am not comfortable with other people seeing me in that state. (My coochie is MY business; even when there is a baby coming out of it! Lol.)

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Hell NOOOOOOOO!!! I didn't let anyone in the delivery room except my husband and I must say that there were a few moments when I really didn't want him there! All joking aside, child birth is a very personal thing and it's your choice who you want in the delivery room. She is being ridiculous and needs to grow up!

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Sure. And her next gyno appt, you need to be there to be invested in the health of her lady parts.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Its your hoo-ha, so you make the rules! It was just me and hubby in there when our daughter was born. She has no right to be upset!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

There is no way I'd let my MIL be in the room. My husband belongs. My sister was there for my second child but she is a nurse so that's different.

Tell her NO now, and keep saying it. I also suggest you and your husband have some couples counseling because if he has no boundaries with his mom, you will end up being an Ex someday too.

Pro-tip - do not tell anyone when you go into labor or head to the hospital. Wait until after the baby is born. Preferably not until after you've showered, eaten and possibly slept.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

The birth of a baby is a very intimate event between the husband and wife and no one else. That's my opinion. I was outside in the waiting room with the other kids (step grandchildren FYI, although I never refer to them as step). They are all my grandchildren. So this was my sons first. We were waiting. He kept us informed. We heard her first cry and saw her within six minutes of her birth.worked well. I would never intrude on such a moment
Stick to your guns.

P.s. did not go in to see baby until my son and DIL gave the ok. Then the big kids were given priority. I stepped back until they all met their sister and kissed her. Then I had my moment. My husband had his the next day. Everything happened so fast, so I was the one available to pick up kids.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Say NO. Sorry. I am not others - I am me. I will NOT kotow like others before me.

You can wait in the lobby or you can wait for the call.

I appreciate you WANTING to be there. Please respect my wishes and here me. This has NOTHING to you NOT wanting to be close to your grandchild - this is MY first experience and **I** want to experience with my husband.

STAND UP!!! Don't let her brow-beat you into "submission" (for lack of better words). Tell your husband to get on-board or it will be a HARD life...having to choose between mother and wife.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

my MIL is the world's biggest sweetheart. but i wouldn't have wanted her there either.
stick to your guns. you can draw this boundary line very hard, and still be very sweet. but you have to be direct, and no-nonsense, and above all, not apologetic.
'MIL dear, you're so wonderful. all the grandkids are awfully lucky to have you as their grandma. and this baby is going to adore you just like the rest do. here's the thing. i'm very clear on what i want in my delivery, and i only want ____ with me. it's a private and personal decision. i really appreciate your support and understanding.'
don't let it turn into a protracted hand-wringing session. every time you talk to her be C. and upbeat and loving. but don't budge, and really, don't even let the issue be disinterred over and over. 'nope, haven't changed my mind. and i won't, mary. i love you, but this is how it's going to be. oh my! did you make that amazing potato salad? tell me again what the secret ingredient is.'
let your husband off the hook. so long as he's not undermining you, it's okay if he doesn't want to upset his mom. it's NICE that he doesn't want to upset his mom.
but this is your baby, and your birth experience. don't cave.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

This is the first of many, many, many demands.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Just don't tell when you are in labor. Call immediately after. And tell your husband he already celebrated this event before and he can dig into that memory if he wants.
Gosh, I really wouldn't want to be watching this when my daughter in law has children. The second after is good enough.
I prefer to be drinking champagne while I wait.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Absolutely no grandparents in the room for us, or even at the hospital. My parents came and visited the next day and my in-laws didn't see the babies until we were at home. Heck when I was a single mom and didn't have a significant other there and was living with my parents, I still didn't want my mom there, and she's an RN and mother of 5. I had a friend there instead. Your delivery, you decide. Hold your ground.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Albuquerque on

STICK WITH WHAT YOU WANT!!!! If not, you will regret it every time you think of the birth of your child. You can either ask your husband to man up and tell her to stop pressing the issue. Or you can tell her that you'll see how it goes and ask the hospital staff to tell her she can't be there. They will absolutely help you out on that - so if you don't want a confrontation with her, simply ask them to keep everyone out. They'll come up with a medical sounding reason.

Or... just don't call her when you go to the hospital. Letting her get her way on this will just set the stage for all of the other ways she's going to try to take over after the baby is born.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Stick with your answer. It's NO. Your husband needs to decide to be your husband and support you.

But, when your hubby doesn't man up, tell the nurses at the hospital that you don't want visitors in the room unless you specifically say it's ok. The nurses can and will be the "bad guys" for you. You just have to let them know your expectations. Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

I would tell the doctor and the nurse who you wanted in the delivery room.
I would not let my MIL in if I didn't want her there. This is not her baby this is her grandchild. She gave birth now let her let you do the same thing in peace.

Stick to your guns and tell your husband to grow some bigger balls on this one.

MIL can come and see the new addition when baby is cleaned up an hour or two later. You and hubby need to bond to baby. The rest will fall into place. If she is not happy so be it. Don't let her bully you into doing something you will regret.

May you have a happy and safe delivery.

the other S.

PS I don't want to be in the delivery room with my DIL but in the waiting room. If she asks me to be there with her mom, I would gladly be there.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

You get o make the decision not her. I hope your husband has told his mother to back off and stop. If not, he needs to today. If so, the next time she makes a comment, I would just say "asked and answered". Just ignore her. Do you think she would try and come in anyway? If so, might want to tell her after the baby is born.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Stationed Overseas on

My husband wasn't even present for my first birth but he was out of the country LOL. Your birth your rules. If you don't want her there then she needs to get over it. If you have already addressed it with her and she is still bringing it up then your husband needs to get firm and shut it down. He needs to grow a pair and tell her to back off. Personally I would register private when you do go into labor and then call her when you are home and up for visitors. Who cares if she gets mad. It's your and your hubby's special moment. You will never get that back if she's all up in your vagina waiting for the baby to be born.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Okay: you do NOT have to let MIL be in there.
That is YOUR choice.
So what about how she's been in there for others.
This is you. You have a right to do what you want.
This is your first baby.
Do what YOU want.
AND tell your OB/GYN, YOUR preferences too.
That is what I did. I also told the hospital... that I wanted NO VISITORS (including family), until I said so. And they put a sign on my door.

For me and my Husband, WE did NOT want anyone in my room, until we wanted visitors. Including family. We only wanted US in there... me and him. That is all. And that is what WE did.
It was MY choice.

Good grief, your MIL is a drama queen and a bulldozer.
And she will continue to make problems for you and per your baby. So you HAVE TO, start standing up for yourself and make sure your Husband, backs YOU up.
He is a Husband now. Not a Mommy's boy.
You are the priority.

She has to know that YOU are the parent. Not her.
And you have to get used to standing up to her.
AND your Husband, too.

When I gave birth to my kids, even after we came home from the hospital, it was up to us, me and my Hubby, what we did per visitors and who was in our house. I did NOT want.... "guests" or visitors in the house at all, after I got home from the hospital. We made that clear. I wanted to be at MY own pace, about things. I did NOT want to have to "cater" to guests/visitors/relatives, after I got home from the hospital. I wanted my own space and peace and quiet, and to have MY own routines, with my baby. That is a Mom's right.
Not your MIL's.

Since your MIL seems very overbearing and controlling, you really need to think down the road, after baby is born too. How you will, handle her. AND YOUR HUSBAND, needs to think about that too.
And, primarily, your OWN Mom, is the one you should call/think about. She is YOUR Mom. And your Mom knows, boundaries and etiquette.
Do not let your MIL control, things.
Nor your Husband.
This is a warning.
Otherwise, you will have continuous control issues from your MIL. And then what... your own Mom will get ousted? No fair.
Your own Mom can be there if you want.
You do not have to let MIL be there.
And so what what your Husband's 1st wife did.
So what.
This is YOUR baby. NOT your MIL's.

I STRONGLY advise you: from here on out, do NOT LET YOUR MIL control, you or your Husband.
This is not "her" baby. It is your's.
And do not let her, take all of your baby's time.
Do not let MIL force you, with emotional manipulation, control what YOU want, with your baby or the raising of YOUR, child.
Your own MOM, is fine.
Start now, to define the "pecking order" of things.
If you give in to MIL now, and after, you will always have problems with her. Even if you say no to her, she will cause problems.
So just say no.
And your Husband better back you up too.
Have your Mom over if you want.
But you do not have to let MIL do so.
You need to stand up for yourself, and how YOU will raise your child.
This is not up to your MIL.
At all.

And quite frankly, TELL YOUR OB/GYN, that you do NOT want your MIL in there. And, so, PER your Doctor, you can tell MIL that she is not allowed in there and only you and your Husband can be in there.
With me and my first child, I ended up having complications and had to have an emergency c-section. That is major surgery.
Like hell, I'd want my MIL in there.

And again, you need to emphasize with MIL... that this is NOT "her" child. She already seems to be acting very possessive about the baby.

My family did not even come to the hospital or visit me/baby in the hospital, until I said so. I didn't want any visitors right after. My goodness. It is a personal experience. I did not want an audience, much less relatives around that would make me cater to them.
And again, I told my Doctor AND the hospital Nurses. And they did NOT let anyone come into my room, and put a sign on the door.

You REALLY need to sit your Husband down, and make RULES and make sure he backs you up.
He cannot, let his Mommy, control you or your baby.
Nor the raising of your baby.
Nor that she monopolize your time or your baby's time, and then your own Mom, gets hardly anytime with you or your baby.
Sorry but your MIL, is already trying to control your life and your baby's.
Look out!
Hopefully your Husband grows a backbone.
And stands up to his Mommy.
He should be pleasing YOU. Not her.

You can either be just a Wife who's baby is monopolized by the MIL.
Or you can be a Wife/Mom, who determines HERSELF, the life of her own baby and where it goes and how it is raised.
Because, I can bet, that the next thing your MIL will be doing and demanding... is that your baby stay over at her house. And she will try to emotionally haggle, who gets to see your baby more. Or not.
A Wife, does not have to "let" a MIL, choose what is done or not.
It is YOUR choice.
It is your baby.
And the next problem will be: WHO will babysit your baby? When/if you need a babysitter? I can bet, your MIL will want that too.
And what about your own Mom? Is she in the same town as you?
Start talking with her, and letting her know, your preferences.
Again, who will monopolize your baby's time?
Since your MIL seems so possessive.
Also, does your own Mom have any grandkids? Or is this her first????
If this is your Mom's first Grandchild, let HER.... be privy to things as you see fit.
My MIL has TONS of grandchildren and great grandchildren.
But my own Mom, only has 2. My 2 children.
But my MIL, seems to think that we have to bring my kids to her. Even if she has TONS of grandkids already. She is such a Matriarch. Ick.
Meanwhile, my Mom only has 2 grandchildren, and that is all.
So I tend to look out for my Mom. In that respect.

This is your pregnancy.
This is your birth.
This is your child.
YOU are the primary caretaker of your baby.
This is your family.
Not your MIL's.
And since your MIL is this way and you know it, then you must, stand up to her in a good strong classy manner.
Do NOT let her make you nervous or fearful, just because she is the type to get all resentful and her panties in a bunch.
You cannot let this control you or your baby.
And your Husband has to put his Mom in place.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

It was just my husband and I. You don't need to keep justifying your decision and I would tell you husband to tell his mother such. You don't need to be stressed out about it when you are pregnant. Don't ever feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

You and your hubby should tell your MIL together that it will just be the doctors and nurses and the two of you in the delivery room at the time of delivery. She can visit before active delivery (if you are ok with that) and she can be in the waiting room until shortly after delivery.

Then, you tell your doctors and nurses the same thing. Have it noted in the chart and you remind them when you go to the hospital. They will enforce it for you. If you feel it is necessary, you can tell the staff that not even your hubby can say it is ok without your approval (that way he doesn't give into his mom at a time that you can't speak up easily).

With my first, I was adamant that it was just to be me and my now ex. Well then came back labor so he asked if my stepmom (who was a medic) could stay in and help. My mom was fine with this but my aunt (who raised me) then wanted to stay and we let her.

With my second, I made it clear that it was just me and hubby. The first visitor was to be my son (who was 15 at the time). Then when we were ready the grandparents could come in.

**I wanted to add that my sisters never heard the end from their mother when they were pregnant and wouldn't allow her in the delivery room because I had let her in with my first. My son was the only grandchild that she was in the room for delivery. My sister's and my brother told her "guess you got lucky with L. cause you're not in the delivery room with me".

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Tell her that your doctor has a one person rule. She can't argue with that!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I did not want anyone but my husband and made it clear from the beginning. They can visit just before and right after but at the actual time... NO Way! It's your time, it's your body, your delivery and is totally selfish and wrong for her to try to impose her wants and wishes at that particular time.... I just would not care if she is upset or not. It's your decision and do not let anyone else decide but you.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I have some thoughts:

1) Your MIL needs to grow up. She is pouting like a 5 year old denied a toy. Who acts like that? STILL upset? Wow,.get over it. I am sure her smothering a** will be right up your butts the second they clean you and baby off.

2) I had my mother in law in the room with my first. She didn't even ask, she just stayed once I started pushing. You know what? I didn't even NOTICE she was there. I do know she had my sister in law on the phone and she could hear me pushing. I liked it all, honestly. It made me feel very close to his family and that I had a great support system. But that is ME. This is your first baby, so you have no idea what to expect. You most likely wouldn't know if Obama was standing next to you, and you'd have no problem screaming at him to move your leg or get out of your way or hand you some ice chips.

3) I have birthed 3 babes, two with epidurals and one without. I can tell you regardless, it is not the calm, peaceful angelic music playing in the background moment that you envision. However, it is a beautiful moment to be shared only by those you choose to share it with. This is your and hubby's decision only - mainly yours, since you are the one with your privates on show.

4) Please do not let people run your life. You are about to bring a baby into the world, and these people will try to continue to run your life even more. Now is the perfect time to stand up for yourself, politely of course, and just let your mom and MIL get over themselves.

5) If I would have been uncomfortable with my MIL in the room, I would have said so. Simple as that.

6) When people make reasonable statements or requests and people react in an unreasonable manner, they lose the right to any sympathy or consideration. Please don't forget that.

ETA: Reevaluate what it is that is causing you to want no one else in the room. NOT for anyone else's benefit but yours. I suggest this because I think you may be surprised at how much you would enjoy having someone else there. To see their reaction, get their support, it really is amazing. I never would have guessed I would have enjoyed having other family members there. Had my mother in law not just stayed on her own accord, I would never know how amazing it did feel to have her there. And she annoys me a lot like any MIL should! Maybe try it if you have another baby. Again, I am NOT suggesting you allow her in the room, just maybe rethink WHY you don't want her there and you may discover a few things along the way......

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I had my mom there for #1 and #3 (#2 came 2 weeks early so she missed that one) - she was a huge help to both me AND my husband. She was a calming presence for both of us and I'm glad she was there.

I would die before letting my MIL be in the delivery room. That's just added stress I wouldn't need.

You have to do what's best for you and not back down. I agree with you completely and think it's a bit selfish for your MIL to be insisting on being in there for the delivery and giving you a guilt trip about it. Actually, it's A LOT selfish.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You need your husband to get strong with his parents and back you up. HE should be the one telling his mom "This decision isn't about you, personally, it's about the fact that she doesn't want anyone except me and the medical staff in there. I need you to respect that, mom. She needs peace and you are making things hard for her. We will call you as soon as the baby is born, and you can hold her that very day. My wife needs the peace of privacy and I'm expecting you to honor that."

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Orlando on

I say to do what you want to do , but in my own personal experience when it came time to push I really did not care AT ALL who was there. I was just focused on getting my baby out. My best friends husband was there (while I was in labor) ... when it came TIME, the nurse said who stays? and I literally said, everyone I do not care. But of course he left anyway LOL the plan was not for him to be there. OH and reading through other peoples answers. YES tell the nurse:-) If you have a good nurse, she will make sure only the people you want are in the room and she will take the blame LOL - my nurse gave me a code word if I wanted everyone to leave (like if they were bothering me) - she said since I knew I could not eat, that if i wanted everyone to leave, to ask her to go get me food and tell her I was really hungry. LOL that was our code for "please make everyone leave!" she was the best.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Rochester on

I agree, don't call her until after the baby is born. Also, talk with your doctor and your delivery team. Let them know that you do not want anyone else in the delivery room. They will act as a buffer. I think all hospitals now have secure maternity wards and visitors have to be buzzed in. If your MIL shows up uninvited they will simply tell her that there are no visitors allowed at this time.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

It was just me and Hubby and the doctor and nurses in the delivery room.
My Mom lives a 12 hr drive away from us.
Hubby's Mom wasn't in the picture.
I didn't tell anyone except work that I was in labor and I called my Mom several hours after the birth of our son.

My Mom had a horrible experience when I was born with having relatives swarm her, expecting to be waited on, and THEN her Dad had his first heart attack and there she was lugging a new born around the hospital a few days after I was born visiting the heart patient ward in the veterans hospital.
SO - my Mom didn't visit us till our son was a few months old.
Which was PERFECT as far as I was concerned!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on


My mom was very upset when I told her that not only did I not want her in the delivery room, I didn't even want her in the hospital. I wanted all of our family to wait AT HOME, because I knew that I wanted at least an hour or two of alone time with baby and hubby before we had visitors and I knew that if they were in the waiting room they would be barging through our door the second they heard that the baby had been born.

In the end, my mom had to drive me to the hospital and refused to leave until my hubby got there (He was at work). Then she went out and waited in her car (Technically not "in the hospital" but not at home either). And yes, as soon as we called her to tell her the good news she was in the hospital knocking on our door. Lol

But I am SOOOO glad that she didn't stay for the entire thing. I was about ready to go off on her by the time hubby got there.

Don't have your mom or your MIL there. Stick with your answer and be strong. And make sure that you tell the hospital that no one except your hubby is allowed in the room in case she decides to just "show up". The nurses will keep her out for you so that you won't have to deal with that drama while in labor.

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answers from Washington DC on

Too be honest, I didn't think I wanted anyone but my husband and my sisters in the delivery room with me. My mother had already passed away by the time our girls were born. However, as it turned out my firstborn was a 56 hour hard labor...drug free because of my blood clotting disease.

By the end of it I wound up having my hubby, my sister, my cousin who was a labor and delivery nurse, my MIL, and my BIL was also there but left the room prior to each check and of course he waited outside during the actual delivery.

I needed all of their support and frankly so did my husband. The poor man was in tears seeing me in such pain and knowing there was nothing he could do to fix it. Again, mine was a worst case scenario that lasted for 2 and half days. In most cases I do not think they would have allowed labor to last that long but C-section puts me at a greater risks for blood clots so that was an absolute last resort.

Our second child was still a very hard labor but only lasted one day. I went into labor early with her so we were not My husband and my sister were in the room with me the entire time. My oldest sister, God love her, had to travel to get here and literally made it into the room 2 minutes after the baby was born.

Believe me when I tell you I am a very modest person. The only people on earth who have seen me naked are my husband and my OB. I totally understand not wanting anyone other than your husband in there with you when you are so exposed. In my case I wound up being grateful that other people were there to support my husband as well as me. He really needed that support too. Perhaps consider having a back up plan should your labor turn complicated and drag on for days. Your husband may need that support as well.

Everyone is different in their comfort levels and people should respect their wishes. Frankly, I would be beyond annoyed with the constant reference to your husband's first wife. Shame on your MIL for throwing that in your face.

I would simply speak with her when your husband is present. I would tell her that it hurts your feelings when she throws his ex wife in your face and you know that is not her intention but it hurts none the less. I would also tell her that while you love her and know she will be totally in love with the baby as she is with all of her grandchildren, you are just not comfortable with ANYONE seeing you so exposed. Stress to her that you are not even having your own Mother in the room. Assure her that her son will call her as soon as the baby is born so that she can come meet her grandchild. Make it clear that this will be the last conversation that you are having about the situation and then be done with it. There can be no questions or he said/she said if you, hubby and MIL are all present during the conversation.

Good Luck and congratulations :)

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

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answers from St. Louis on

When are you due, like how much time do you have to sort through this?

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answers from Washington DC on

I did what I wanted, which was to kick my own mother out of the room when the labor really got down to business.

So you need to 1. talk to your DH. You may also include your OB, as I'm sure he or she has seen the drama that ensues when family overrides the mother's wishes. Tell him this is your body and you say no. Period. You don't need to justify it. I'm sure he wouldn't want your mother to be in the room for a colonoscopy or something.

And 2. You need to tell your MIL that you are not anybody else, you are you and you say you want a private birth. End of discussion. I'm a second wife, too, and if my MIL expected me to do something because the previous wife did, I would be a LOT LESS likely to consider it!

If she CHOOSES to be upset about this, then that is her problem, and a shame that she can't get over herself enough to respect her grandbaby's wishes. My friend has a grandmother who is a meddling mess and I will further caution you to be on the lookout for Grandma to try to pull the "MY BABY" card when it's your baby.

My mother heard DD's cry from the hall. She came in when I said she could. She was the first to hold her after DH and I. My MIL (veteran grand of 5 by the time DD was born) waited for me to be ready to see her and came to the hospital the next day. Neither grandma is any more or less bonded to their granddaughter. It is much more about how they interact with the baby later then if they were there to witness the moment of birth.

I do NOT regret having just DH, myself, the nurse and the OB.

If she keeps yammering, tell the staff that MIL is not getting the hint and might try to drop in. They are good about telling meddling relatives to go away. You can also choose not to call her til the baby is actually born. Sometimes that's the only option. My sister was wisked into the OR and we got called when she was out of recovery and baby was in the NICU.

Bottom line? Tell her NO, it's not up for discussion.

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answers from Miami on

WILL your husband honor your wishes and not call her until the baby has come? That's the big question I have...

You DO need to put the brakes on your MIL. When she demands again, you need to tell her point blank that you do not want your mom and your MIL at the birth. Tell her that if you have HER at the birth, you'll also have to have your mother at the birth. Tell her that you and your husband conceived this child in privacy, and you want to birth this child in privacy.

In addition, you REALLY need to tell the hospital staff that under no circumstances are they to let anyone in. They are supposed to be your gatekeepers. Let them do the gatekeeping.

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answers from Chicago on

I would never have thought to ask this of my significant other's daughter who just had her first, and I've known her for about 12 years. Her own mother didn't even ask. What a complete intrusion on what should be an intimate family event between a father mother and child. We all were invited in about 20 minutes afterwards and that was enough for any of us.

Likewise, I didn't have anybody but my husband for my two girls. Who the heck cares what she says or thinks!? This isn't her event it's yours. Let her know that you are a different person than her other daughters-in-law and you are not having anybody in there but your husband and it's not up for discussion. And your husband has to man up and tell her to stop talking about it because the subject is closed.

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answers from Denver on

Just me and my husband. Stick to your guns, and do it the way you want to. It's not her baby. Boundaries are tough to set, but you will regret giving in on this one. Congratulations by the way!!!

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answers from Denver on

Man, that sucks. And I've been through it. What I will tell you is there is NOTHING you will be able to say that will appease your MIL on this one. She's hell-bent on having her way, or making it about her, and you will be the bad guy.
My only advice would be to try and blame it on your OB-saying that his policy is that first timers can't have anyone else in the room in case of emergency. Just lie and say they have told you that you have a really small pelvis and the delivery could be risky, so they said no extra people. In the future, you can have your MIL be the person watching your other kids, so she is stuck with them. That's what we did!
Oh, and tell your husband to be a man and STAND UP FOR YOU! He should be telling her that this isn't happening. Period.

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answers from Washington DC on

My MIL wanted to fly in for the birth of our last child, knowing the date ahead of time made it doable for her. But I told my husband no. I didn't want her there. She would have fussed at me for every thing I did with my kids and I didn't want or need it. She came when my son was 4 months old over Father's Day. I didn't care if she liked it or birth, my rules.

Plus it being a c-section, no one was allowed in the room.

I had my whole family there for my first and they were all in the room. When I actually delivered her, only my mom, my baby sister, and my husbad (then finace) were in the room. My dad and brothers stepped out, but ran in as soon as they heard her crying - because they knew the yucky stuff was over. My family calmed me - especially my dad. But no one else would have been allowed in as it would have stressed me.

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answers from Seattle on

It would be a cold day in hell if I'd let my MIL (or my mother for that matter) into the delivery room with me. Heck, next time I don't even want my DH there....

No, it is NOT wrong to ask her to stay out. Make sure you let the hospital staff know this as well and they will keep her out of your room so you don't have to deal with it!

And to be honest, sometimes it is nice to live hours away from family. My in-laws didn't come to visit until DD was 4 weeks old and by that time we had established breastfeeding and bonded. I would recommend coming to an agreement with your DH on this that includes not notifying his Mother until after the baby is born and you feel ready for company.

Good luck.

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answers from Washington DC on

To husband: "Honey, this is serious and when I'm done you're going to need to take some action. Your mom keeps invoking your first wife's labor. You need to tell her, in so many words, that I am not (first wife's name) and I'm not even having my own mom in the delivery room, so I do not want MIL or anyone else there either. She is bringing this up a lot and it's time for it to end, and since she is your mother, you need to handle her once and for all about this; it needs to stop coming up, now. I see this as a private and special time. I'm not excluding her from visiting the hospital right after the birth; I'm saying that labor and delivery are for you and me. I need YOU to back me up and I need YOU to agree that it will be just the two of us. If she says I'm trying to keep her from being close to her grandchild, it's up to you to tell her that BOTH you and I agree on this and she will be as close to her grandchild as she wants over the years, but she does not need to be that close to my privates when I'm in the throes of birth." (Sorry, the last bit's crude and maybe not what husband should say to MIL, but that's how I'd feel....maybe it would make husband laugh and wake him up a bit too!)

He really does need to get on board. It will be very tough if he's the type who does not set boundaries but if he does not start setting them now, imagine how demanding your MIL will get when she wants to see her cute infant grandchild, her adorable toddler grandchild, etc. I can foresee a lifetime of your being the "bad guy" who sets boundaries and says no while he waffles and pleases mom. Time to talk to him about his priorities and the fact that it's his mom, so he handles her, just as you would handle your mom if she were bugging him.

For our baby, it was just my husband and me (and of course the terrific doctor and nurses....). My mom did not see our daughter until DD was about two months old. Some families would implode over that amount of time and would say that my mom didn't care, or I was being evil for keeping her away! But my mom was very, very sensitive to boundaries and privacy, and said very early on in my pregnancy that she would give us plenty of time to get used to the baby before she came to see us. It was wonderful and very wise of her. My MIL lives in another country so she waited to see the baby when our DD was six months old and we traveled over there.

By the way, C. -- congrats!!

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answers from Colorado Springs on

Ask your husband to tell his mother that, whatever she has done with her other grandbabies, her being in the delivery room would cause a whole lot of friction, and surely she doesn't want her newest grandchild born in a situation filled with resentment and hard feelings.

He can insist that she must be gracious about this. She can be the first to take a picture once Baby is in the nursery or your hospital room, or the first to hold the baby after Baby's parents, or the first to bring Baby a little present. Maybe she'll think of something she'd like to be first at that she could be proud of.

This sort of makes your mother the bad guy, but it would make MIL realize that there are more people involved.

When my babies were born, childbirth was not a spectator sport. My husband was there for the first, but he couldn't handle it very well, if I recall!

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answers from Orlando on

I had my Mom in with me and my husband for both of my deliveries. My MIL? No way! When she tried to come in while I was pushing, I told the nurses to tell her to get out. Which she did. It was a private thing and I didn't want the whole world involved. I am very close to my Mom, so it was very natural that I would want her there. Your MIL will have to get over it and respect your wishes.

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answers from Houston on

Well I did have both my mom and MIL in with me with the first, but that was what I wanted. She is way out of line asking for that IMO, I mean that is private, and you and your husband's decision. For my other children my MIL got the boot bc she watched my other children and my mom was with me and my MIL came after, no-one questioned my decision, God help them if they had! I am extra special pregnant! Just tell her how it is, the pregnant person decides!! Congrats on your new little one :)

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answers from Houston on

It looks like you will need to take the lead on this one. When you say the words, make sure that it doesn't sound like you are singling her out. She'll likely hear that, anyway, but you make sure that you don't. Just say something like, "This is a new/big/special experience for my husband and me, and I would liek for us to share it privately." Then, don't discuss it further. If she asks you a direct question about it, then answer her, but don't go on and on trying to explain yourself. She is not trying to see your perspective. She only wants to change your mind. Her being upset is not your responsibility. If she persists, shut it down with "I'm sorry that this upsets you, MIL, but this decision is very important to me. I'd love to see you soon after, so let's just play that part by ear." Be done with it after that. If your husband tries to sway you, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that you are looking forward to sharing the moment with him only. Done.

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answers from Chicago on

I think this is a personal decision and you should certainly make your decision known and stick to your guns! With my first, my labor was very fast and my Mom was flying in from out of town. I am very close with my MIL but my plan was to have my Mom and my husband in the delivery room. She was there keeping me company until my Mom got there - but then it was time to push and my Mom's plane hadn't landed! So, at that last moment, I asked if she would stay. She was seated on the couch toward my head so she didn't see me in all my glory and it was definitely a bonding moment. With my second, I had my husband, sister, brother-in-law and my Mom (who made it on time!). With my third, I had my husband, my Mom, my SIL, my MIL and my 6-year-old daughter... So the more kids I had, the more I wanted a family experience and less of a medical experience - and clearly I stopped caring who saw my body, lol. It is all a very personal choice. What I did may not be the right choice for everyone but that's what worked for me and my family. Do whatever is going to make you feel good and at peace with the birth of your little one. And what you do the first time around may not be what you do in subsequent births. Good luck and congratulations!

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answers from Lancaster on

Without reading the other answers, my first thought it you have to work on your husband, not your MIL. You and your husband need to present a united front. When she brings the subject up, simply say "we'd like to have some privacy when our baby arrives. There will be lots of time to spend with your new grandchild afterwards." Repeat as necessary. DO NOT let anyone guilt you into having them attend the birth. Personally, I love my MIL but my mother is similar to yours - she would have been no help at all and would have made me nervous. I also wouldn't want my MIL there with all my lady parts hanging out. I think it's completely rude to ask to be in the delivery room. Stand your ground. My guess is your MIL means well, but doesn't have a lot else going on in her life so she likes to take things over.

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answers from Washington DC on

My mom was in the room for the birth of my first child. However, I was really young and was having a lot of complications. There were a lot of different doctors etc in there trying to figure out the best course of treatment and I got very scared and wanted her there too.

This is YOUR delivery. You have complete say in who is in the room. No one has the "right", other than your husband, to be there. It is about what makes you comfortable.

I don't really get the people who want a lot of people in there, but to each his own. She has to respect your wishes. It has no bearing on her relationship with her grandchild.

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answers from Kansas City on

I had my husband and my aunt there, I did not want my mom and she did not ask. I would not have even considered having my MIL there, even though I love her. There is absolutely no reason that she needs to be in the room.

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answers from Chicago on

We allowed family members to be in the room while I was in labor, but asked everyone to leave when I was examined and when we were actually pushing. If she won't take no for an answer, you can ask the Labor and delivery nurses to be clear the room - they won't take no for an answer.

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answers from Rockford on

For my first baby, I just wanted my husband and my mother in the room. My MIL stresses me out. During my labor my own mother brought my MIL into the room after I had stressed to her that I did NOT want her in there. My mother disregarded me completely. There were SO MANY PEOPLE when I had my daughter that I was the last person who got to hold her. Seriously. Not cool. It was horrible. I was made to feel like I was a bad person for wanting a little quiet time with my new baby and my husband. We honestly didn't get that until my daughter was about four months old. His family was always at our house or he was insisting that we went to theirs. It gave me so many problems.
With my second, I made it quite clear that NO ONE was to be there that would cause me stress. I ended up having my son unexpectedly, and my husband was across the country on business, so I did get a LOT of bonding time with my son. It was just us in the hospital. Honestly it was fantastic. The second or third day (I had complications so we were in there for a while) people started coming in to visit, but only for short periods of time. My husband couldn't make it home until the day we were released from the hospital.
My MIL never forgave me. She still hasn't forgiven me. In fact she still shows strong favoritism toward my daughter, and doesn't pay much attention to my son. Thing is that she was able to see him when he was about a week old, so it's not like I wouldn't allow her to see him, I just wanted the hospital time alone
Honestly, I am OK with that. I cherish the time I had alone with my son in the hospital, and the time I had with my husband when he came home. The kids may grow to resent her behavior though, and for that, I feel regret.

Stay strong in what you want, but just know that there may be some backlash. Don't let it discourage you. Do what is best for YOU and your family!

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answers from Washington DC on

I think everyone agrees its your right to chose who is in the room. I would just ask, why have you not just had a conversation with the woman? Asking hubby to deal with it initially seems very reasonable. But she obviously does not "get it", so perhaps its time for you to step in.

Here is your script: I understand that you really want to be there, and that you really want to be close to your grandkids. I understand and appreciate that. And I also want you to have a close relationship with the baby. But you do not have to be present in the delivery room to maintain a close relationship. Fact is, I am just not comfortable with having anyone else in the room with me. I want this to be a private family moment for me, hubs and baby. My own mother wont even be there. It is nothing personal against you, it is simply my wishes for a private delivery. I am sure you understand, and we are looking forward to introducing baby to you a few hours later".

The end. Done and done. Stop worrying and go take a nap while you can before that baby gets here. :0)

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answers from Chicago on

Stick to your guns on this one. She's going way too far. It's your birth experience, you need to be as comfortable as possible. She could be endangering the baby by causing you stress in the delivery room. Geez!!

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answers from Chicago on

I haven't read all of the other answers so I apologize if this repeats, but, talk to your ob about this. If he/she knows beforehand, they can be the bad guy and simply say sorry, but nobody else is aloud in at a certain point or at all. Or you can give her a forewarning that this hospital only lets the dad in the delivery room. With any luck you will have a nice and quick delivery and won't even have a chance to let anyone know until all is said and done! Best of luck to you



answers from Hartford on

I would set boundries with her now prior to you headed to the delivery room so she will know when the green light is to be able to see the family after the delivery. Maybe try to have her involved in other ways such as maybe coming to an ultrasound appointment , set up the nursery, be there for one of the days right after the birth, etc.



answers from Oklahoma City on

I've been in the delivery room for almost all of my grand kids. Not a big deal to me. I didn't really mind not being in the one that was born somewhere else.

I think you will have to accept that grandmothers like to take their grand kids on adventures and you'll have to accept they're going to be going to grandma's for visits.

You need to let them babysit and spend time with the kids away from you and hubby. It's a blessing to have family that care and want to spend time with their grand kids.



answers from Los Angeles on

I had everyone there! It was like a party. People came and went, including my sister, BIL, my niece, my existing children, my MIL, my father and mother. For the end bit only my husband, mother and MIL stayed. It was pretty cool.

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