In Laws

FIRST,LET ME SAY THAT I ALWAYS TYPE IN ALL CAPS I HAVE NERVE DAMAGE AND IT IS JUST EASIER ON ME,I'M NOT YELLING!WITH THAT SAID,I KNOW THAT IT IS HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN THAT THE WORLD ISN'T ALWAYS A NICE PLACE AND ALOT OF PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS NICE!AND THAT YOU ARE VERY SORRY THAT THEIR AUNTS,UNCLES,GRANDPARENTS AREN'T AS INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES AS THEY ARE ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY,BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE DO SOMETHING THAT THEY WON'T AND THAT MOST IMPORTANTLY IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT!THEY HAVE ABSOLUTLY DONE NOTHING WRONG IT IS JUST HOW THAT SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH YOU'D LIKE TO.AND IF POSSIBLE I WOULD MAKE THIS POINT IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND SO THAT HE CAN SEE THE DISAPPOINTMENT ON THEIR FACES.I KNOW THIS SOUNDS HARSH BUT TRUST ME I'VE BEEN LIVING IT FOR YEARS AND I'VE LEARNED THAT IF THE LOOK ON THE FACES OF A MAN'S CHILDREN DON'T MAKE HIM STAND UP AND SPEAK UP FOR HIS FAMILY PRETTY MUCH NOTHING WILL!!MY CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED NOT TO REALLY CARE WHETHER MY IN-LAWS ARE INVOLVED OR NOT.DON'T GET ME WRONG THEY LOVE THEM BUT IF THEY SHOW UP FINE BUT IF THEY DON'T WELL, IT AIN'T NO BIG DEAL.AND MY HUSBAND DID STAND UP AND SPEAK UP!!SO I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD AND KEEP IN MIND YOU DIDN'T MARRY THEM AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLEASE THEM. SINCERELY,T.

I can see where you're coming from. My best advice would be to maybe approach him and not necessarily call her a liar, per se, but do tell him what the situation was, your mom saw what she saw; she has no reason to lie. Did your daughter see her grandma there? Maybe it might sound different if she said something (i would never suggest that you use her to "get" to him, but maybe he would take it a little more seriously if she said something like how come grandma had lunch with cousin and not me) or just let him know. I know what it's like to be with a momma's boy, but i can tell you that eventually they see the light. Sorry about you situation.

You should handle it yourself~ Let your INLAWs know that you & your hubby are trying to work out things for best interest of the children. Whether it be that you end up with an amicable divorce or you end up as one big happy family. Its between you & your hubby how that situation gets handled & that the kids will always be 1st in any and all decisions. And that you would prefer they NOT treat either of you, nor the kids like the marital problems is some kind of catchy disease. The kids will come out on top in either situation & if they do not want to be a part of their lives because they may be part of a broken family, thats fine but that they, the IN LAWS, will be missing out on sooo much. Their actions will be teaching the kids to not respect them as family & there is nothing to gain from it. If they had a closer relationship with the kids before you guys seperated, then why not now, when it seems the kids would need their attention more. As for your hubby, I would not even tell him about the conversation until afterwards. You do not need his permission & if he gets UPSET because you did talk to your INLAWS, then its obvious that YOU & the CHILDREN are not part of HIS best interests. And then you will know where your marriage stands. And seperation should be PERMANENT~
Hope this helps out~ And you can converse with them without it seeming like a bashing or lecture. It can be a friendly, over the phone chat. Or go out to lunch or something. Does not have to be a nerve wrecking moment. Best Wishes~

As the product of a family where I was ignored by my father's family after my parents seperated and the mother of a little girl that her father's family has nothing to do with her, I can give you this advice. Continue to send the invites to partoes and major events. When they do come by don't make up excuses why your child can't go. And don't take it personal!!! Nothing against your husband but You don't know what he is telling them. They most likely feel as if you wronged their "son" in some way and now you must pay. By all means protect your kids but make sure you continue to reach out. Because this could go one of two ways .... they continue to act this way and then when your children are older you need to exlain to them that you tried or his family realizes how childish they are being and come to their senses. Either way you don't want your kids to think that you pushed their family away. I wish you the best of luck!!!

A.,

My situation is little different but I think it may give some insight. I'm a step child and in the beginning of my father's marriage to my step mom, her mother treated my brother and I as though we were outcasts and not members of her family. Luckily for us, my step-mother went to her and told her that we were part of this family and she shouldn't treat us any different than her own kids. Since then everything has been just fine. That's been 20years ago, I was 5 years old. I now have a wonderful relationship with my step-grandmother. My advice since your husband won't stand up to his parents: Give them a call, don't give accusations (this usually ticks people off), plainly state your case that you expect your children to be treated no different than their cousins. If they won't treat them any different than I wouldn't subject the kids to that kind of treatment. Its harsh, but when it comes to your own kids you have to do what you have to do. I'm sure later on in life your children will notice that their grandparents treat them different, its better to try to stop it now than to have to explain it to them later. Hope this helps!!!

A., sorry hear about the divorce. Having gone through a difficult one before, consider that particular event a milder moment, it will probably get worse before it gets better - but IT WILL GET BETTER! Just remember that.

Depending on your communication level with your ex, you might be able to discuss it with him, but don't be surprised if he doesn't jump to do anything about it (if that makes any sense). I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, I truly don't mean to be. It's not a fun situation to be in, believe me. If you ever need to chat, please email me! ____@____.com

Eventually your children will realize they are not being treated fairly and probably not care about even seeing that side of their family, BUT I would definately have a polite conversation with those family members at fault and bring the subject out in the open. Then if the problems continue, I would conveniently always have something else going on when they are wanting to see your children. Your kids aren't going to stand up for themselves and it is your job to protect them. If that means their visits are few and far between then so be it.

I had an issue with my soon to be ex's parents when we first separated. They thought they could just call or drop by to pick my kids up at anytime for anything school night or not. At first I would give in and my kids would come back all off schedule, too tired for school, misbehaving for me, etc. Finally after a few times of ignoring their calls and returning them after the fact, or having something else going on they finally got the message. I did talk to my mother-in-law about the kids really needing consistency with their visits. Now unless it is a special occasion, they see them every other weekend and don't ever ask to do things at the spur of the moment. I felt guilty at first, but when I realized what they were doing was to their benefit and not my kids it was much easier not to feel guilty.

Good luck, and I'm sure you will do what is best for your kids.

Hi A.,

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about your in-laws. My husband and I are still together and my in-laws treat my niece and nephew like they are their parents -- buying them expensive gifts, talking to them on the phone almost daily, and taking them places for vacations -- and my kids like they are friends of the family -- minimal gifts, never talk on the phone, minimal time spent together. Nothing is ever going to change it, but someday, we will have to tell the kids the truth and tell them that they can't make people be fair or nice or caring. We do the right thing -- we invite them to birthdays, take them over to visit, etc -- but the in-laws never call and ask to see the kids. The kids are 5 & 3 and they are starting to notice, but all we can do is love our kids and do the right thing by them.

Good luck!!