Problems with In-laws

I don't blame you for feeling hurt that your son was not included in the wedding, but let it go. They don't get it yet because they don't have kids. Go with it and be understanding.

Your mother-in-law........ well, no one is perfect. Talk to your husband about what you both are comfortable paying her and just pay her when she babysits. Treat that like any other babysitter. If you can't afford it then don't have her babysit, and explain it to her. But when you are willing to pay, pay her, not someone else. This will be hard for her to accept since you take family, vacations, etc... but you don't have to explain. Everyone spends and saves differently. it may bug you, but all the kids know is that grandma is coming over... and you want to keep it that way.

Invite your husbands family to your house. Include them and their kids. When opportunity arises tell them you would like to see them more but it's hard for you to leave the kids out. Invite your mother in law for dinner for no reason. Possibly on a weekly basis. Let Monday's be Grandma night for example. You can endure her for a couple of hours and it may just make her feel you care about her and go a long way to mend fences. If once a week sounds too much then at least try to do it monthly.

In counseling be open and tell the truth. Let the counselor help you and your husband find a middle ground. Tell your husband if you feel abandoned. It sounds to me like you are telling him to go, but then you resent when he does. Talk about that and work it out. Admit to yourself the problem is never one sided and you both have to be open and honest to get through it. If your husband is willing to go to counseling then he is a keeper. Do your best to find that middle ground and accept his family as much as you can.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be hurt and that there is no reason for your angst, but what good is it doing to hold the family at arms length. Do your best to embrace them. If they are jealous that is their problem. Try not worry about it, but for your husband and children try to make a go of it. Maybe you should have a family picture taken at your house........with YOU in it! Show them you want to be part of their family.

Last, talk to your counselor about limits. You want to embrace your in-laws, but that doesn't mean they should take over your lives. Your husband needs to do his part and let go of them a little bit too. Write it all down and talk to that counselor!

Let me start by saying that I have had a rocky relationship with my in-laws since long before they were my in-laws. In fact, when I was dating their son, they actively interfered in our relationship, tried to split us up, and even set their son up on blind dates with other girls! Sometimes, pasting a smile on your face and pretending everything is fine just feels like too much to deal with. I get it. But for the sake of your marriage, it's time to set aside (or at least stop talking about) your grievances.

In the case of your MIL, I think you're doing the right thing, for the most part. She can see the grandkids any time she wants when you're around - for free. If you ask her to watch the kids without you around, treat her like a baby-sitter and pay her. She's doing the work for it, and obviously it's important to her, so accommodate her if you use her services and don't if you don't. Surely your husband cannot disagree to this arrangement, and then you need to stop being upset about it. How much she sees the kids is left entirely in her hands. I can understand why it would prejudice you against her, but just shrug your shoulders and perhaps see if there is a program at your local nursing home that would help fill the gap in your children's lives as well as some lonely elderly person.

I don't think you should be angry at your brother- and new sister-in-law. It is very common for kids not to be allowed at a reception (except for those in the ceremony), and it is possible that the bride's nephew came despite her requests to the contrary, or perhaps her brother refused to attend if his son could not be there and the bride decided it wasn't worth the fight. It seems a little petty to hold a grudge over this issue, especially if it is causing trouble in your marriage. I would try to drop your resentment in this case, and just assume that there was some behind-the-scenes bickering between the bride and her brother that you are not privy to.

In my family, we are the only ones on my husband's side with young children as well, and they are often excluded or perhaps invited to an actively inappropriate to their age. People without small children seem to forget their limitations, which means I do spend a lot of time home alone, too. Sometimes it hurts, but mostly I try to shrug it off and remember that it's my decision. After all, I could go along, but then I would have to leave my kids with a sitter, and not doing so is my choice, not theirs. It isn't fair to tell your husband to go and then be upset when he does - decide what you want from him and then tell him. Men don't speak our language as well as we like - it's just the way they are, so you often have to spell out what you want.

To even out the scale a bit, why don't you and your husband host occasionally - invite his family to do something with you that YOU propose - something that includes all the kids and is appropriate for everyone. If you do that occasionally, they may not be as jealous and you and your kids will be included as well.

Lastly, I know it's hard. Some days, I have to remind myself that these people somehow managed to raise my husband, whom I love, and so they have good qualities just in that. Try chanting that mantra to yourself when you just can't stand them any longer. And try not to forget that your husband loves these people, and will never react well to criticism of them, even when you're obviously right. Ask him to stand up for you, but then don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck.

I'm sorry your family situation isn't the way you would like it to be. From my experience (my relationship with my in-laws and my mother's with hers), accepting that some families aren't as close as we would like helps many of the bad feelings go away. You aren't going to be able to change the actions of your in-laws, but you can decide how to handle the situations that arise. If you and your husband can be on the same page about it, that can make it easier to follow through. At a minimum, I think you each need to respect the other's opinions/feelings and accept that you might each have different relationships with his family. As difficult as it might be, try not to voice criticisms about his family or compare your family to his. That can be hard for anyone to hear and that will certainly put stress on your marriage. Don't focus on the feeling that you are being slighted or your children are being left out. If these people aren't good "friends" to you, surround yourself with people who are. Allow your husband to interact with this family and maybe view your staying at home as actually a gift since you don't have to put up with the nonsense and drama you would experience while visiting with them. Don't give up on the counseling. Your situation can work out. My mother had a strained relationship with her in-laws for 30 years but never kept my father (or us kids) from visiting them, helping them, and even staying with my grandmother for a time after my grandfather passed away. She always invited them to our house for holidays and birthdays (they accepted the invitations) and was cordial to them, but declined to go to their home to visit. My father respected her opinion and didn't put pressure on her to do something she was uncomfortable with. While it is an unfortunate situation, it is doable. Best wishes to you!

Lisa T. is a WISE woman. Great advice, Lisa!
Treat your MIL as you would any other babysitter. She's made it clear she wants paid (which is pathetic) so either get someone else or pay her.
As for all of the "activities" that don't include children...that would be...what? Late dinners? Strip clubs? casinos? I can't think of too many things that couldn't include kids. Your husband should feel free to go OR not to go.
As for the fighting with your husband. Simple solution: Don't. My in-laws are a lot different than my family, but they are HIS FAMILY. Don't ever bash them or argue about them with him. Just not worth it. It will make things worse.
Once you get it in your mind how you think someone is, you tend to view all of their words and actions through that filter. Drop the filter. Start again. Be polite, be respectful. Invite them over (even if you don't feel like it). Someone has to take the high road. It might as well be you. That way you won't feel bad someday thinking you might have handled things better. Good luck!

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First, a bit about me. I am 50 years old and like going to adult only activities so I can visit with the person next to me without having to shout, without having to dodge balls being thrown around, without having to hear wailing babies and children.

That being said, I am raising several of my grandchildren, ranging in age from 1 yr., to 11 yr's old. It is hard to be excluded from things my friends do that don't involve children. Most of my friends want to go to eat at nice places, shop in nicer stores where bored children don't really fit in, they even want to have us over to dinner without worrying if their precious "things" are going to get dirty or broken.

1. In my opinion a wedding reception is an adult activity. If the family is invited then it should be geared to a family type theme. If alcohol is served then kids need to stay home, even the ones in the bridal party. If one child goes they all go. So, it wouldn't have been an issue for me, neither child would have gone if both weren't going. Pictures could have been done at the wedding site.

2. If you don't want to go then don't go but don't be mad at your husband for going if you let him go. If you want to go then present a united front. This is our family, we are in this together.

3. They are rejecting his child too, not only yours, so if he's willing to accept that then that's just odd to me.

So, my advice, talk to someone else about this if you and your husband can't talk about it. My husband and I can make an appointment and make arrangements to have some quiet time to talk. It doesn't always work so we have seen therapists in the past. Try to look at it from the other persons point of view and see what you think might be their reasons.

I say have the extended family over to your house often, include and invite them in everything you can, ballgames, recitals, etc.... Make your house the "family party" house that both families can come to. Have a guys night out where they can all get together and watch the game or play a game. You go to a play date with the girls and kids.

For goodness sake hire a babysitter. If you want to hire her then have a talk and set times when she would be expected to be in your home or your children at hers. Pay her the going rate plus. My sister babysits her grandchildren and her daughter called around to child care centers and got the rates then worked out a deal with my sister and pays her about what a center would cost. My sister loads up the kids and goes on with her stuff just as if they were her own children.

I always pray when issues in my life are unbareable. Sometimes people only seek what is for them and don't realize that when you try to hurt someone that others might get hurt also, like the children. I sometimes talk to the person who is trying to set an example for me and let them know that its ok for me to fight my battle but it is not a fight for my children. If they still do not want to see the children after your conversation then the burden is with them and not you. Family should not distance themself from each other and husbands should not allow their family to invite them to family get togather without their family. Some family functions maybe just for you and him and other might be for the entire family, but you should not attend a family invite and babysit because you are given them the upper hand. Invite them to your house for a family get togather to let them know that you are not the enemy but family.

The first thing is, why would outsiders (in-laws) have a thing to do with you two and send you to counseling? Does that sound right to you? I cannot imagine any outside source causing such strife within MY marriage that we'd seek counseling for it. Did my in-laws cause us problems? Yup. Our solution? We don't associate with them anymore. It's a rough course to take but I choose my husband over extended family, and so does he. End of story.

I think there's too much attachment with your husband and his family and is getting confused by his loyalty and love for you and his children, or else he wouldn't be struggling so much that it's sending you two to marriage counseling. Your husband should be as upset as you are. He should be the one stepping up to his own mother telling her that either she's a grandmother from the heart (not the pocketbook) or don't bother coming around. His brothers and sisters should be proud of your husband for being able to afford family vacations, rather than being jealous, and your husband should be standing up and shouting that from the roof tops.

We have this problem with me and my two brothers. I have a brother who is 52, never married, no children, no career, no job, lives off the government. I have a brother who is about to turn 46 who is married but unable to have children. He is a retired Marine and is now continuing on with his career making big money. I'm 44, married to a Marine who is about to retire and have 5 children and one grandchild. Our oldest brother has complained for years, and still does, that my brother has the career and wonderful wife that he doesn't have, and I have all the kids that he doesn't have. He made the choices in his life which is why he's where he's at. Instead of being proud of his younger brother and sister, and being a great emotional support to them and the best uncle in the world, he's jealous and pitiful and it's really sad and disgusting to us. I don't speak to him unless I absolutley have to concerning our mother since they live in the same building far from us, and she recently had a stroke.

We have much worse problems with hubby's family. Hubby chose his wife and children over his extended family and they did not like that. The Bible even says that the husband should cleave onto his wife and leave his old family behind (paraphrasing).

Either way, life is happier for us. Our kids may not know these relatives of theirs but it's not the children's loss. It's the relatives. I will not subject my children to such people just because they share DNA. "Family" is in the heart, not DNA.

Hopefully your husband will learn some things and get some courage to stand up to his family and make the choices he needs to and get the two of you happy again and back on track, and out of counseling that has to do with outsiders problems, not yours.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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Not to add fuel to the fire, but I think they are ridiculous. I understand you want your husband to do things with his family & I am sure he likes to , but once you have children, children must be invited to family events also!!!!! These are their grandchildren / nieces / nephews. What are they thinking having adult only events???? They need to GROW UP, starting with his immature mother!Seriously! No you should not have to pay your MIL everytime she sees the children. If she's your everyday sitter, I could see paying her something. Yes, she should take them occasionally just for some Grandma time! If he can't see how ridiculous this whole thing is,then I don't know. Men, I think are more blind to their families, though. My ex (notice ex) went to the zoo with our son & his brother, brothers GF & daughter...I wasn't even invited. We were having other problems, but that really sticks with me. There's other things his family has done to disclude even though I have their only biological grandchild (no there's no difference, but his brother's have always been GF kids & relationships that didn't work, it's not as though they were around for years). They would buy their school clothes, supplies, household items, take them places & not my kids (1 was his, 1 not). No, we were not financially well off, at all! I never understood & never will. I hope you can work things out...I would have given anything to, except living in misery! (like I said there were other probs) It sucks starting over!

I think one of the posters said the bible says a man should cleeve onto his wife and his own family. Maybe i spelled it wrong. Anyway, I am trying to understand why your husband excludes and I say excludes when he leaves you, his now family, to do all these things with his family. Ok, I am a mother and my boys may be married sometime in the future and I think I always want them in my life. So that means i would love them and probably include them in everything. And yet I expect my sons to love their wives and barring the fact that I love them madly, they should take care of their families first. I hope this doesnt haunt me. Your husband in my opinion should not be leaving you and always going off with his family. His family is you and your children. His mother sounds rather selfish. If she is not working and can afford to stay home why shouldnt she help you and she is staying home for free, so why can she not freely help you. Although my mother never babysat, but she is not expecting us to drop everything and do things for her.
In a rather harsh sounding way I think your husband needs to grow up and set some limits. You have been married to him for a long time and he should give himself to you completely. You guys can include them in your lives as you see fit. You can call the shots. Your brother in laws new wife sounds selfish also and she evidently didnt think about what she was doing. why on earth do people do things that they know will alienate others. I do not understand that either.
I suggest that instead of spending money on counseling, that you spend it on a vacation, take the kids, you and your husband somewhere and enjoy yourselves. Well, that is what I think and believe me as I look back and spent a lot of money on counseling and then got divorced and remarried to the nicest man on earth I think that is what I would have done.

My what a selfish bunch. I can't believe the inlaws wouldn't want to be around their grandchildren, nieces/nephews. I have never heard of such a thing. I honestly don't think "you" need counseling. I am shocked that your husband doesn't see how wrong this is. Extremely strange in fact. He needs to realize that NOW (since marriage and having kids) you and the kids are his family first and foremost. If his folks and siblings can't plan functions that involve kids then perhaps you, your husband and your kids should plan your own activities without them. Why scar your children with this type of behavior? It not normal by any means. I am so sorry for you. Stick to your guns because you are not off base. Oh and the wedding thing, it is the bride and groom's choice as to how they want their wedding. So you have to sort of go with it. However I agree with you, if it is "no kids" then that should apply to all. I just hate double standards. You and your husband need to put the past behind you and move on to YOUR future with YOUR immediate family.

You can't force Grandma to want to spend time with your kids. I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL is almost 2 years. We have trouble getting along, mostly because she is so controling. I'm suppose to fade into the paneling when she is around and let her mother my kids and disipline and she gets mad when I don't let her. She also got mad about my husband standing by me and not her. Anyway, sit down and talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel and want you want. Do you want to be included in everything? Then request that he speak with his parents about it. At least maybe Grandma will come around, but the SIL - I wouldn't even go there. And if they choose to make it possible for you to come to functions then don't go and don't worry about it. I know it will be hard, but you can't force people to like you and want to be your friend (remember that from grade school!). Once you have made your feelings known to your hubby and he has spoken to his family about it, don't fight with him. He can't conrtol them or change how they treat you. It's not his fault. But hopefully he'll change how he acts, maybe not going to somethings if you and the kids can't go. My MIL has a favorite grandchild, it's not either of mine. She takes that one on cruses, to Disney World and goes to see her 3 or 4 times per year. She has told me that she would never miss that grandchilds birthday (me, MIL and SIL all live in 3 different states). My younger daughters birthday is a week before the favored grandchild's, she has never been to any of my youngers daughters birthday's and only one of mine. She can't make that many trips that close together (my oldest birthday is a month later). My husband has stopped sending her pictures of the kids. He has said that she acts as if she only has one grandchild, so why should we send her stuff regarding ours. We just stopped sending her pictures this Christmas. She didn't buy my kids gifts, but she flew to see her fave. Sorry to ramble - but it happens to everyone. And yes if makes us mad to see our kids treated like that, but we can't change people. For more Mother-in-law fun go to motherinlawstories.com - it's a hoot. Good luck and God Bless.

I have family that lives all over the country but none who are anywhere near where we live. There are definitely branches that are clanish - they have their preferred inner circle of family members. You desire to be a member, and they are not letting you. Are they THAT fun to be around? It's like paying an outlandish fee to become a member of a country club and then announcing you can't stand playing golf. Just let it go. Your side of the family sounds like a lot more fun to me.

My sister had this same problem with her in-laws. They would always make her feel as if she was an outsider and that she was not a "real" part of the family. Anytime their was a conversation all questions would be directed towards her husband and they would often treat her as if she was not sitting right across from them. She and my brother in-law also have children but according to my sister they act as if the kids only have one parent. They never are mean to her or have ever said anything that was out of order but their behavior, according to my sister, lets her know how they feel. I thought the whole thing was very weird.
They have been married about 14 years too. My sister does not go with her husband to visit anymore. And she does not care if he goes without her. She told me that she does not feel comfortable so she refuses to put her self in that situation.
i think that married people should not make extended family become a marriage problem. In theory, you did not marry your in-laws you married your husband so why do they have to play such an important part in your lives. Maybe it depends on how close the family is that you marry into.
I think think that adult people should not go around borrowing money from their family members and causing stress on marriages.
I would just take myself out of the situation if things become too uncomfortable for you. first, you cannot controll how they feel and if they are not willing to change there is nothing you can do about it. I could be wrong, but I would feel that your day would be more stress free if you did something with the kids instead of spending the day with the inlaws.

Hi C.. First, I feel your pain. I have been married for nearly 8 years and have had problems with my in-laws for a long time. I know what you mean about how it can affect your marriage. It is definitely not something that should go unaddressed or unresolved.

The good news is that you are on the right track, even if you don't realize it or feel like you are. The first step in healing any hurt feelings is to be willing to acknowledge that they exist. You have done that! And even though it might not seem like much, it is a big step towards the healing. The next step is to determine whether or not those feelings should be communicated, and if so, how. This is where a counselor can help you. Not every feeling you have needs to be communicated, but they all need to be acknowledged. A counselor can help you decide which way you need to go here. If you do decide to communicate your feelings to your in-laws, you will need to be prepared for them to be upset about it. Just remember, everyone has a right to be upset, but that does not mean that you have to take responsibility for it. They obviously had a role in you getting to this point, and their reaction is theirs alone to bear. It is based on all their own "stuff". And people getting upset is not life threatening! It is not the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing that can happen is you continuing to live your life under the shadow of these issues. This will prevent you from ever knowing real happiness, which you deserve. Once you accept that it's ok for people to be upset with you as long as you are honoring yourself and your emotional health, then you start to care a lot less about how THEY feel. You will start to live in a way that works for you and you will surrender what doesn't work.

So I guess in summary, what I am saying is that you are taking all the right steps. Use the counselor to help you through the rest of the journey. I think you will be just fine!

Best of luck and keep us posted!

My goodness! That's a terrible situation! A grandma that wants to be paid to see her grandchildren??? A sister-in-law and brother-in-law that excludes one of the kids in the wedding reception just because he's not in the ceremony? Who are these people. I thought my parents could be bad but dang that is NOT right. Counseling will be good at this point to get a good communication going about both of your feelings. I have a therapist that I have had for years, I have a mental disorder. But times of strains on marriage we use her then too. It took me a few therapists to find her but it's worth it. Don't be so ready to give up on therapy, especially since you don't sound like you've really tried yet. Have patience. About your in-laws you have to stand your ground and tell them how you feel but use "I" messages. Say "I feel...." Trust me I've been through therapy and communication classes. It's a place to start. Please let me know how everything turns out.

Unfortunately, people are going to be who they are no matter what the circumstances is. It seems the only time they treat you better is if they have something to gain. With that said, your husband could have put a halt to all of this long ago. He has to stand up against all of this with you. With him following through on the activities without you sends the message to them that they are right in what they do. However, if he were to refuse to take the picture, go on outings, or even visit until they treat you right, things may change. If they love him, they will listen to him. If they are just petty people then not even he can change their minds. Now as far as your marriage. You have some choices: 1) You can leave things as they are, and realize they are not going to change and therefore you are not going to let there actions affect you relationship with your husband of 14 years. 2) Your husband can stand up for you and your family and refuse to be involved with them until they treat you better. 3) You guys can use this as an excuse to end the marriage. My opinion is to see if hubby is willing to hear you out and stand with you on all of this. Let him see how this is affecting you personally which is having a direct effect on your relationship with him. If he refuses, it will be then that you decide if this is how you want your relationship to continue. If you want the children to have a relationship with them, it is a two sided issue. They have to want a relationship with the children. The kids are resilient and will be fine either way, but your relationship issues will affect the children and must be resolved at any rate. Family is important and it seems they have a good relationship with your side of the family. This is not so unusual at all. Most families seem much closer to one side of the family tree. Not a bad thing. If grandma wants to charge you for the kids being there, then you or your husband be there with them and then no charge. So much more I could share. You can contact me if you wish.
~Crystal

First off, do not get into the mind frame of the counseling will not work~ or it won't. Thoughts are powerful that way.

Second... as you are in counseling, you should be able to start sharing your thoughts with each other in a safe and neutral space.

Third, make it a priority to explain your feelings. Do it in a way so your husband does not feel bad or like he has to defend himself. (Think of the "I" statements.. "I feel this" or "I feel like that"... If you put it in other words, it can come off forceful and mean.)

Fourth, can you and your husband talk to his parents? I would agree that it seems insane to have to pay the grandparents for babysitting, unless it was a constant thing... then it would be a small payment. But I feel family should be close. My SIL was watching my son while I worked from home and it was much cheaper than daycare... however, I don't send him that way due to it. I don't know if she will watch him for 'free' or not. Of course, I haven't asked, either. :)

Communication is a huge key here. It seems you have lost it and your voice. Find it in the counseling... realize though, it may take time. But if you remain positive and know that you are committed to your husband and children, then stick with it.

By the way... if my in-laws treated me that way (and sometimes mine are not always nice), I'd just avoid it. Why go thru the stress?
Have fun with the kids and let them be~