Im Getting Worried!

You are not alone. I have 2 kids and a husband and I have days that I want to throw myself in front of a truck. I have days that we get the kids to bed and I sit down on the sofa and I see the cat coming over and I want to scream. I tend to stay up until midnight some nights just so I can have some peace. You have gotten a lot of great advice from others. Take a breath and you will be fine.

I am Happily married with a big support group and feel this way about my daughter sometimes. She is 3 1/2 and allways wants me . When we go somewhere she is hocked to my hand or holds on to my finger or my back pocket and nearly pulls my pants down. My son is 5 and is nothing like this so it drives me crazy! Some parents would love to have there kid stay with them when they go some where but she is extrem. She also wont go outside and play without me there. Even if her brother is with her. It might not be the exact same issue you have but I know what you mean. Dont feel like a bad parent. Hang in there. K.

Just wanted to say what some of the other moms have already said. It is normal to feel that way. Is there another mom you know who may be willing to trade some time? Before my second was born, a friend of mine would take my oldest son (4 yrs.) one morning a week and I would take her son on a different day. It was nice just to be able to run errands by myself. Hope you get the support you need! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a single mom.

Unfortunately, most people won't admit when they are having an issue like this. It's not that you don't love him or care about him, he is just driving you crazy. It is especially bad since you don't have a spouse to lean on and say, "Just take him for a few hours so I can get a little time to myself to regroup and just be alone with my own thoughts."

Here are a few things to try...

First of all, there is the book store or a local library. Find a good book and take him to the children's area to play or take him to story time. This is something you can do with him where he can socialize with other kids AND you can socialize with adults.

Find a support group... I joined the local MOMS Club. I get to meet other women and have playdates and playgroups which allow my kids to socialize while I have adult conversation. It makes a big difference.

If you have a laptop or a good book or a portable hobby, take it to a McDonalds with a play area or the play area at a local mall or a local park. Play games on the computer or read your book or do your portable hobby while your son plays in the play area and socializes with "new" friends.

If you can, hire a sitter on a Saturday or day off and take the whole day to yourself. Whether this means wandering around a mall, taking in a movie, whatever your budget allows (even if you just go window shopping or grab a coffee and sit in Starbucks watching the other people come and go) just so it is time just to yourself. I realize this may not be possible if you can't find a sitter you can trust. So here is where joining a local MOMS Club or Group can really help. At those kinds of groups, you get to meet other Moms and form friendships. I know when I was pregnant one of my friends from MOMS Club offered to take my 3 year old on several occasions when his sister was in school so that I could get some extra rest or get something done around the house by myself. Sometimes just being able to hold an adult conversation (even if it is interupted by kids) is enough to help push back those feelings of being at the end of one's rope.

If all else fails, go to Chuck E. Cheese. This may not sound like a release but spend $10 on tokens and let your son go nuts. Since they stamp your hands on the way in, no one else can leave with him so you don't have to have your eye on him constantly. You can sit at a table in the middle of the action and check on him periodically while you enjoy a salad from their salad bar and ignore the noise around you.

Another idea is to look into some type of yoga or exercise class for Moms and kids. Also, there are many gyms in the area that have childcare while Moms exercise. I don't know what your budget is, but if you have the money, that may be the way to go. Whenever you feel like you can't take anymore of him, pack him up, go to the gym, leave him with a caregiver, and work out your frustrations and your last meals calories at the same time. ;)

Last suggestion, if you can't find any others, email me when you are really frustrated. Sometimes just sharing your frustrations can make it all a little better and easier to handle. And ignore anyone who says they can't understand needing a break from your kids or finding them annoying. I believe that anyone who says that is lying through their teeth. Everyone has a moment when they just want their kids to go away for 5 minutes (not permanently, just a break).

Anyhow, I hope this helps. Good luck and let me know if you come up with any other solutions that help.

I can completely understand where you are at. I raised my son until he was 7 completely on my own.

Even now with my 4 yo and a husband and his older sister, I sometimes feel that way... just leave me alone. One of the things I began when my other kids were small was "mommy time." When I came home from work, I made sure they were settled with a snack, movie, whatever and I went to my room. I had this ugly green headband that I hung on the doorknob. They knew that meant no knocks, yells, screams unless someone was dead or dying. Even 10 or 15 minutes was enough time to recharge my batteries and the evening went smoother. And when i came out, then it was snuggle, hug, holding time.

My kids knew I would be there for them, they just had to be patient. And it took some time to get them "trained" not to bother me at all during my "time-out."

Try to find some support so you can have some time to get away without your son. Even if it is only for a brief time.

Good luck and kudos for realizing you are feeling this way. It is better to admit it and figure it out than to keep it bottled up.

Keep me posted.

A., you are definitely not alone, this is my second time around being a single mom. My first son is now 19 and my daughter is 17 months. I do agree that you may be suffering from depression, I myself just went on Wellbutrin and its helping. Children tend to pick up on the fact that we are overwhelmed with our lives, they react to whats going on in their environment and especially with the person who is closest to them. I came from rural Illinois and I now live in Philly, major culture shock, I know only my neighbors, I currently have a difficult time getting out of my house, I lost my job in December (worked from home), and I have no real support. I have not spent one day away from my daughter since she was born, the last time I went out was when I was 3 month preg. Your situation may be a little different than mine, but we all have really really really bad days and it always seems to be worse when your child has a bad day along with you. Our children tend to be more clingy when we are upset or stressed, they just dont understand that mom is having a bad day or that we need some space. If you are having real difficulties there are crisis nurseries that will take your little one in without question, look for one in your area, its a great resource when you have no one else to turn to, also pick up the phone and call a friend, real friends will understand that you need an ear, talking can help you process your anger and frustration, instead of taking it out on the little one. And last but not least as I did with my first son, when i felt i was going to snap, I put myself in time-out, I'd go out to my car, turn my radio on and scream, then cry just to release the tension.

Dear A., I want you to know that what you are going through is normal but WE have to change it. I can tell you FIRSTHAND that I have been through the same thing, I am grandmother raising a set of 3 yr old twins. I was finding the same thing with them and still do it without thinking. What I found is they are being cranky and whiny in response to my mood. If I stopped when they are being bad or whiny and took a second to hug and ask questions it all stopped and we were all happier. I found that I was so busy worrying and not spending time with them, I mean quality time, that I was pushing them away then I wanted them away. I am with these two 98% of the time and dont' get away.. IT gets on my nerves. So I know where your coming from. ALSO, remember he is bored. I wish we could talk,, you can email me privately anytime you want.. F.

Let me start by saying, I am proud of you for opening up and saying how you feel. That was very brave of you. I know that more mothers and even fathers feel the same way as you do and may not admit it because they feel it will make them a bad parent. I feel that opening up and saying or even writing helps alot. I know you have stated that you don't have a great support system, but if you have anyone that would watch your son, so that you could go to the library, take a walk, get an ice cream sundae! I think it's important to do something for yourself, so that you can be there for your son and for others.

Find Parents without Partners group in your area. Find other moms with young kids in Meetups.

You have days of feeling overwhelmed and we all do perfectly normal. Also is it near that time of the month? puts even more pressure on hormones and emotions. Also if been happening for a few weeks, go talk to your doctor, maybe might need some medication to help you.

Hugs, C.

Asking for help is such a huge step. I have 2 children 4 & 6,
when they were younger around 6months & 2 1/2 my husband traveled alot for work. I felt like all I did was yell at my kids and I always felt on edge. I went to my dr and he told me that I suffered from PMDD which is like PMS but worse.
I got put on Prozac and it took about 2 months but I could actually feel myself not as uptite and my oldest would say "mommy your not yelling anymore" then I knew it was working. I am not saying that pills are the answer, however that worked for me. I would blowup and the smallest thing and now I don't. I was on the medicine for about 3 yrs and took myself off and feel fine now. It was just something that I needed alittle help with at the time. You should be proud that you are raising your son by yourself and pat yourself on the back, it is an incrediably difficult job.
Good luck. V.

Hi A.; Anyone who bothers to respond to you with a rude comment needs to step back and punt. You have a real problem. I am a Pediatric nurse, and I know everyone can get overwhelmed with our children at times. But most of us have some type of support system; family friends, etc. Since you don't,you have become depressed and stressed out. Here are a couple of things youcan do to help yourself and your little boy. First, enroll your little boy in a preschool of some sort. You will have to do your homework and pick a good one. Your son needs to spend time with other kids his own age. It will prepare him for kindergarten and help him learn to share and play with others. Second, YOU need to see a councilor(preferably a psycologist) and get on an Antidepressant ASAP. You will feel so much better!!! Even though I am a nurse, I take an antidepressant, lots of people do. ALL people have some sort of mental illness, you are no worse than anyone else. You will be surprised how much better you feel, how much happier you are, and how much happier you son will be.
Take care and good luck.
V.

I understand your feelings, I am a single mother of an 8yr.old boy and we have been through exactly what you are talking about. Understand that you are not a bad parent or a failure as a mother. Our sons feed off our stress and try to fix it by being all over us. Make quiet time for both of you by getting him a snack, putting in a good long childrens video and at first watching it with him. Just the act of cuddling on the couch and hearing his giggles will help you remember what it feels like to want to be around him. When he's sleeping go lay next to him, watch your(quiet)blessing and remember the things you love about him. It's saved my sanity many times. Most of all, be kind to yourself so you can be kind to him. You are not superwoman and you can't do it all..do what you can do and forget the rest. Leave the dishes and laundry and have a picnic on the living room floor. You can't get free time so you have to make free-us-time. I've started turning off the phone and t.v. most of the time so we could just have quiet time..him playing and me reading, I also put in classical or relaxation cd's while we have quiet time and it calms us both down. Hope some of these ideas work for you. Keep on trying, our sons really do notice our effort. It will get better and your relationship will be stronger in the end. God bless you.

Hello A.,
I can relate to what you are saying. I was like that with my first son. I think it was me frustrated that did ot have what I needed to raise him as a single parent on my own. I would just pray a lot and attend church and ask GOD for guidence. I would read the bible. I started to feel relief and I also started a hobby of my own, and set aside time for me. Hope this helps. I would also advise you to seek help from a counselor, even if it is just to talk to someone that does not know you intimately so they can offer you sound advise.

GOD Bless and Have Faith

M. G.

Dear A.,

You really need to find a friend or neighbor who has a child similar in age to your son. Arrange a play date for your son with this mother and use the time he's there playing with her child to do something for yourself, even if it's just going home and taking a bubble bath. Maybe you could do the same for her sometime. It's important to distance yourself from your child so that you can enjoy being with him again. Try to see the humor in situations and let yourself laugh and play with your child, because you've had some rest and relaxation.

Most important, when you feel your skin crawl and get angry with your son, try giving him a hug and telling him you love him. At four years old, he should understand if you explain to him that you are very tired and need him to let you rest, but reinforce that you love him very much.

When my children were very little and they were having a really "bad" day, I would actually tell them to lock themselves in my daughter's bedroom and not let me come in, because I didn't want to hurt them. They were content to play in the locked room, and it gave me some time to myself.

I hope this helps. It's really important that you not hurt your son when you are having these feelings. I can tell that you love him very much and would not want that to happen. Call someone, but don't be alone at these times.

Sincerely, M.

Hi A.,
I felt very compassionate when I read your story. I can understand how much demanding is the life of a single mother. It seems that you are feeling depress and stressed out, at the same time your son is asking you "mommy I want you, I want you to play with me" and maybe those words you cannot hear because your situation covers that precious moment of a 4 yrs. old boy that never will come back again. A., it seems that you are young, family is not helping too much, and dad is out of the life of your son. I know that you love your son, and apparently you need to know how to manage your time. Do you work or study? How is the routine that you have for you and your son? Do you read stories before bed? Do you go to the park together, to the pool? Try to do things that do not cost you much money, but A. you have to take time for your son, you are the only person in his life! You are his role model, he needs you, he needs you! And you need time for you as well. Do you have friends that you trust, do you go to a church? You can start your suport system attending a healthy church, now when the school starts try to get along with other parents, try to find in Allentown suppport groups for mothers. There is website Parents Anonymous (they actually changed the named but try it like this, the new name is Pennsylvania Parents Coalition -something like that). To finish A., your son will feel rejected by you, already his has the rejection of his father, he does not have to pay any mistakes from his parents, don't take me wrong please, but he is just 4 yrs. old and emotinally he is suffering, you will see the change he will have as soon to start to have that precious time just for him. Play with him, watch the cartoons with him, go to the park take a blanket lay down on the ground and watch the clouds, just with him. A. I hope that my words have had helped you a little bit... may God bless you and your son...
Maria

Hi A.,
You are not alone. I am a full-time exec mommy who sometimes feels this way as well and I have dad at home with me. My kids always just want me to do everything for them and nothing to do with daddy. I swear they just know it stresses me out! I have made it a point to have one day a month that is just for me. I go scrapbooking or out to dinner with a friend. If babysitting is an issue, look at places like " The Little Gym" as they have kids night's out. (Really for the parents). For a minimal fee you can drop the kids off for about 4 hours and have some time to yourself. I know our kids are only young once, but everyone needs a little me time even while they are small to stay sane. Hang in there.

A.

I read the responds to your question because I feel your pain and wanted to hear what others had to say. There were a lot of great suggestions. I only have one to add and it's only a temp quick solution and some might think it's weird, but it helped me. When my little boy would have me ready to pull my hair out, I would think about how I would feel he wasn't with me anymore. There is so much in the news about bad things happening to children and if I sit back and think how I would feel if something happened to my child, it would help me gain patience at least temp. Again I know it might sound strange but it helps me put things into perspective. Good Luck and hang in there until school.

If anyone says anything rude or nasty tell them to go fly a kite! I have a wonderful husband and great family and I still feel overwhelmed sometimes and just want my kids to leave me alone! I dont know where you are but we are in the north hills and my kids are your sons age. I would love to get together for a play date. While I have a great family they are 6 hours away and I dont know many people here and would like to get to know more. Let me know and maybe I can help give you some mommy time once in a while! Good luck!

I can only imagine the stress a single mother has, as I have a few friends in the same situation. However; it may not just be stress related, have you thought about having your thyroid checked? Some of the side affects of a thyroid malfuntcion is irritability along with possibly weight gain or loss etc. I have a thyroid condition that was brought on after my second child was born and it can make you very irritable, also try to get an organized routine together everyday for you and your son and have a somewhat strict bed routine so you can have some time to yourself. It is important to have "mommy time" even if its for a half hour a day. Good luck!

A. i am not going to be rude or ignorant.. you have alot on your plate. i would advise for you to go see your PCP explain your feelings to him or her and give yourself the opportunity to vent out these thoughts to a professional who is trained with the knowledge to help you the professional i am speaking of is your pcp... i am a registered nurse and we make the worst patients . i also was feeling this way recently and i went to see my pcp who is amazing Dr Constantino {amazing man} he put me ona low dose of lexapro and the edge is lifting from me like you i love my daughter with my whole life she will also be 4 in nov i am married and he does help but its the duties of daily life that get to me...the daily routine of work everyday mon-friday the prices of everything going up and wanting to be the best mommy/ wife/friend , employee life in general is a challenge sometimes. remember you are human and when things gets to be to hard that is the humanly thing to do and feel overwhelmed...you are normal just go see your pcp take care

A.,
First of all, if anyone has anything nasty to say to you don't worry about it and don't listen to them. It is normal to feel the way you are feeling. However, you really do need some alone time even for an hour or 2. Do you have any friends that can watch him? A neighbor you can trust? Are you a member of a church? Even a local church that you may not be a member in will help you. I know that I was feeling like you when my son was born and I am married! So, I can't even imagine how you feel. Just remember that he loves you, YOU are his world and his Mommy. He just wants love and attention and I know it can be so hard at times. Take a deep breath and count. Seek professional counseling (free at churches) and DO NOT be ashamed to try something that (prescription) will help you that is what it is there for! There are also vitamins and herbs that will help too. Take him in the stroller and walk every day! I do, every morning and he loves it and I get excersise which is so important for the stress. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people who care. I come from an absent family and in-laws too, so I feel your pain. Hang in there and we are all here for you so if you ever want to email or PM feel free!
Christina

Wow!! I'm so glad you brought up this topic. I totally feel like this sometimes and felt like a bad mom. And I'm not a single mom, so I can only imagine how much more it must effect you! When I gtt like this, my husband sat me down and said that I should see a doctor. I did and went on anti-depressants for a couple months and felt much better. Now I only take the meds when I need them. There is help out there. Check with your doctor! :) Good luck and don't feel bad....you're not alone!!! WE'RE not alone!!

My advice is always the same b/c this is what works for me.... join a gym with a kids klub .... it gives you time to yourself - even if you just ride a bike or walk slowly on the treadmill and read magazines (plus you will be buring calories).... and put your son in the kids klub - he will makes friends/burn energy/and you can bring him to the gym with you. Find a gym that is not expensive and has morning and evening hours for the kid sitting. I have twins and i drag them there almost everyday no matter how tired i am b/c its better for all of us to do that than to stay home and all get frustrated with each other. It takes alot to get there - i know!!!! but it is worth it!!!!

A.,

First I want to say I praise you for doing the best you can do and most importantly asking for help!!! Being a single mom is NOT easy and not having a family support team makes it extra hard.

Did your doctor mention putting you on any medicine to help alleviate some of your signs of stress, maybe depression and anxiety? I know not everyone is open to taking medicine but it has helped me. I didn't realize it for quite a while when my son was young and then one day I realized I needed help. The doctor put me on Zoloft which helps mostly with my anxiety issues and depression. It is the difference between night and day with me in the way I deal with my kids. I had no patience, extremely "anal" (cleaning constantly, picking up toys they weren't even done playing with, etc.) and just not happy.

Just thought I would let you know that you aren't alone out there and maybe there is even a support group to help you out. Maybe through a church or single mother's group. It would be good for you to be able to talk to other people going through the same situation.

Good luck!!!!

A.,
I cannot imagine the stress of being a single parent. My husband just got back after 11 days working out of the country and it was TOUGH being mom and dad and friend to him for 24/7 for all that time. Look--if you fell you are going to lose your temper--go into another room for a few minutes to calm down. It's OK to step outside even til you regain your composure. Try getting him involved in an activity--join him for awhile til he's engaged and then see if you can leave him to work on it alone and check in periodically with praise and encouragement. You are his world. He just wants his mom. He didn't ask to be in a single parent home but that is the situation now so you need coping skills. You may want to seek some professional help if these feelings continue. Please feel free to PM me if you just need to rant or vent. Hang in there!

I can understand how you feel, and I believe, despite what they might say that all moms go through this at some point. It happens. We love our children, but sometimes you just feel that you need time for yourself. I know I felt that way especially when my daughter was having all these emotional tanturms, she has some self confidence, self esteem issues, and we would discuss the same thing, which to me was silly, over and over again, and I just got tired of it. I know it wasn't silly to her, and I tried to talk calmly but then she would continue to yell, and so on. You do need time for you, and you need to figure someway to get it. I know I started making sure I got sometime for me, to take care of me, I used to feel that I couldn't do this, that everyone else comes first, but finally figured out, that if I don't take care of me, who will? It will be better for both you and your son, if you get some "me" time. Maybe when he is in bed, sit down with a book, or put in a movie, you can also look around for Parent Night Out activities, there are a few places, that will offer nights where you can drop your child off and go out while they get to do fun things. The Brandywine Ymca offers free Parents Nights to members, some gym places do it as well, I know Metzlers in Downingtown does, and I have seen ads for My Gym and those kind of things, so look around, see if you can find something, even if it is just once a month for now, you need to recharge so you can spend quality time with you son. It will get better, but you need to work on you!! Do you have any friends at work, or do you have any friends with kids the same age, that you could do like a babysit exchange, you watch one night, the friend watches another night, even if it is just to go walk around the mall and get a bite to eat, it is still alone time for you, and it seems that is what you really need. If you want to chat, messgae me, I am here if you need to talk I understand the feeling, and don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. It is hard to try and take care of everyone and all there needs and then save something for ourselves. Hang in there, it will get better.

I am sure that being a single mom is very hard. You can be lonely and frustrated that there is not another person to lighten your load with even the small things. However, that little one only has you. He does not deserve to be yelled at. When he goes to bed, schedule even 1/2 hour to do whatever you want for yourself. Take a bath, read, listen to music...Remember that the time you have with your small child goes by faster than you think. Words cannot be taken back, and he will only copy the actions he witnesses. As hard as this is for you, it is even harder for him. He does not have the mental development to understand why you are angry and taking it out on him. He wants his mother's attention at this most crutial time in his early life. Take a breath, give him a long cuddle, and reassure him that NOTHING else is more important to you than him. Why don't you look into a local Mom's club? It is free, and you will find other Moms that are in similar situations. As parents we are not perfect, don't beat yourself up, we can all lose patience. Try to think about the impact of your actions on his future before you speak harshly to him. Think about what is truly bothering you and direct your frustration elsewhere. If nothing else, your home enviornment will only improve. Good luck, and I will say some prayers for your family.
D.

A.,

It's obvious that you are not alone. Every parent goes through this but I can only imagine that being a single mom that is must happen more since you are flying solo. Just hang in there. Something that has worked for me is signing my daughter up for a class at the Y and then taking a class myself at the same time. While it may only be an hour, it's really amazing how it helps and the class was twice a week. You'll get to meet other "adults" and he will enjoy meeting new friends too! Hang in there and know that you are not alone... it's hard being a parent, no one tells you how really hard until you're ready to freak. You'll get through it and find that happy medium... it just might take a little bit to get there. Remember that you are the adult; I used to find myself sinking to their level when I got this way but a little self rationalization helped - I just kept saying, I'm the adult and need to act like it. Good luck!!

Just being a Mom is so hard, let alone trying to do it yourself. Don't feel bad about your feelings, that is what they are, YOUR FEELINGS. You obviously love your son and just want a little help. Good for you for asking. If you feel depressed and angry all the time and your doctor doesn't think it's problem, find another doctor, preferably a psychologist or psychiatrist. They have much more training in dealing with those issues. You can search for one who deals with family counseling as well which may help with all of your issues. Try searching for a single parent's support group in your area as well.

I know you have said you don't have a huge support system and that just plain sucks. Does your family know how you are feeling right now? Maybe if they did know they would be able to watch him for an evening or a morning here and there to give you a rest. Is there anyway you could get him into the YMCA daycare for a morning or 2 a week, or do you have any other friends that you could ask to take him for a few hours on occasion? In the mean time, schedule quite time for him where he rests, watches a video or does another quiet activity for a bit while you can take some time for yourself too. It may take him a little time to get used to this if he doesn't already have quiet time or nap time.
When you get overwhelmed with your feelings call a time out for yourself. As long as he is safe tell him Mommy will be out in a few minutes and go into the bathroom and close the door or into your bedroom. Walk out onto the front steps if you have to. Then, hopefully you can go back to him and tend to his needs. He probably does sense your feelings, they are so perceptive, and that makes him much more clingy and sad himself because he doesn't know what to do. I hope you have gotten some helpful advice.

A. -

This is such a formative time in your son's life. I can't imagine how hard your life must be without any support system. My husband used to travel a week at a time when my first daughter was a baby - it was sooo hard and I had family to help me. And I don't know the background with your son's father - what your relationship is with him. But, I think just for your son's sake - for his self esteem and self worth - you have to make a concerted effort to show your son love. He can feel the rejection I'm sure and is internalizing it some way that will come out when he is older. There isn't much worse on a growing child than being rejected by your mother. If it means maybe getting yourself on some kind of anti depressant or anti anxiety drug - maybe that's the answer. Sometimes the type of busy life that a single mother has to lead - without a support system - can cause major stress. I'd also suggest - this sounds kind of crazy - but maybe joining a YMCA that offers babysitting. The exercise will make you feel great and plus it will be time for yourself away from your son. I wish you the best.

AHHH...Join the club my dear. Whilest I have really no way to help you there except maybe sharing with you my situation. I am mother of four. I am responsible for them morning. noon . and night. My husband, well let's just say, he might as well be out of the picture most times to the point that I feel I am a Single SAHM. I have absolutely NO support from him and live in constant stress with my four constantly fighting, crying, clinging, etc.Not to mention the lack of family nearby makes it even harder. When I dicipline...they listen up until they see their dad for a few (and I mean a FEW) short moments..an hour or two and their dicipline is revoked! What does mom know??? I have had countless arguments, confrontation w/ and w/o the children. I have tried countless tatics in dealing with them. And I can assure you that it's a constant circus. I have no idea where my life is headed but I know one thing is for sure---I am working on me as far as directions and my emotional and mental state. SO-in other words, while I can understand your situation, be blessed that your son has just you with no one else to contradict what you say or do. Your feelings are completely understandable and relavant and probably with a few strong encouragement of indivdual activities for him will help him. Maybe even letting him stay at a friends' house a few hours a day?

Wish you the best. M.

A., it sounds like you're experiencing depression. I've been taking a form of Prozac since right after my six-yr-old was born because of postpartum depression. Turns out I've been experiencing depression since way before that, but didn't realize it - I thought that's how everyone felt! If I don't take my meds for a period of time, I have the same feelings of skin crawling, and I often just want him to go away, even though he's the single most important thing in my life. I recently started having those feelings again even though I'm taking my meds, and what really scared me is that I felt like smacking my child. I never have those feelings! I immediately notified my doctor and told him about these feelings and the life changes we've been experiencing (separation from his alcoholic, abusive father). We're now readjusting my relatively low dosage that hasn't been changed since I started six years ago. Talk to your doctor again, or visit another doctor and tell her exactly what you've told us. Hope this helps - good luck, and let us know how you're doing!

I hope you don't get any rude comments because you're under enough stress as it is. And if you do, ignore them. Your doctor's right, somehow you do need to find even a few hours away from your son. I know how family can add even more stress to your life, I cringe whenever my mom comes to visit. Is there a neighbor you trust your son with for a couple of hours so that you can see a movie? If you can find a couple of hours for yourself, do something for yourself only. You may be tempted to grocery shop, or clean the house without someone underfoot, or something else like that. But you need to do something for YOU. Money's probably tight if you're a single mom, but if you bring a bottle of water and your own Raisinets to the movie, it will only cost about $8. You're not alone. I'm a mother of 3 with a good husband and I work part-time, and there are times I want to take a walk and not look back! I can't imagine doing it on my own. I hope you can find a little peace soon, good luck.

Hi A.,

The first thing I want to say is THANK YOU!! I've been feeling this way lately and thought I was crazy. I read most of your responses and it looks like everyone feels this way from time to time, and I don't know about you, but that makes me feel a whole lot better! We are moving to Atlanta in about 2 weeks, but my husband has already been down there for about a week now. I'm pretty much a SAHM, but I have been working at the church daycare for a few hours a day (my son comes too). I've been left with all the packing and other responsibilities for only 3 weeks and I'm already losing my mind!!! I give you so much credit for doing it alone all the time! My mom was a single parent and she made it look so easy. All I can say is at least you have school to look forward to. He'll be making new friends there and hopefully you're able to be involved and get to know other moms so that you can arrange playdates. Even when it's at your house, at least someone will be there to keep your son occupied. I find that taking walks with my son helps a lot (we haven't had much time for that recently). Also, when you find yourself getting worked up or angry, JUST STOP for a moment. Ask yourself, is this really that big of a deal? Take a second to beathe. I don't know your beliefs, but this works for me. I take my sons hands in mine and we pray together. I ask God to please help us to get along and work together, and to show eachother His love. Works everytime!! Of course, I may have to do this several times a day LOL!

I pray you get some "me time" for yourself often! It will get better, and one day you'll be begging for a hug and some quality time with your son!

God Bless
~J.

A.,
I just wanted to add another voice to the list of moms who have already told you that your feelings are perfectly normal. I really believe we all go through this. I have a husband but no family in this area. I moved here when I was pregnant with my second child and had no support system here at first. When my kids were younger I felt like you are describing quite a lot. I think the courage and strength it took you to post this speaks to what a good mom you are and how lucky your son is to have you.

You've gotten a lot of great advice already and I do think your doctors are right ... you need to find a way to get some time for yourself. This really is like the proverbial oxygen on the airplane - you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your son. Believe me I know it is hard to trust other people to look after your precious little boy. I'm still very picky about babysitters and my kids are 7 and 10. But if you don't do something there may come a point when you say or do something you will really regret. You can't take back anything you say or do to a small child. I know I regret many of the things I did and said and sincerely wish I could go back to change things.

Unfortunately you can't leave him whenever you feel this way. You can't leave him most of the time your feel this way. One thing that I found really helpful was to go out - anywhere - when I felt the pressure really rising. I tried to get out every single day. Sometimes I dropped things I was doing and just left the house. There have already been a few good places to go mentioned. I used bookstores, playgrounds, fast food places with play structures, walking around a mall, walking around the neighborhood and sometimes just driving around (not quite so practical now). I found that sometimes when I was struggling to be nice at home, it easier to do in public.

Going for a walk, even with a little person in tow, is always a great way to blow off some steam. Could you put him is a jogging stroller and get some exercise at the same time? Could you find a playground with a walking track near by? I've seen other mothers of small children walking back and forth along one small stretch of walking path. Exercise is a proven mood elevator.

If your son will sit still for a video or movie you could always put one in and sit down somewhere for a few minutes with a cup of coffee or tea or a cold drink. I'm not a big fan of using the TV as a babysitter, but if the alternative is a screaming, crazy mommy or one who tells him to go away continuously, a little TV time isn't really so bad. You can borrow lots of videos and movies from the public library.

Good luck and remember you're not alone. The only perfect parents are the ones who haven't had any children yet. The rest of us find ourselves struggling to do what we think is right from time to time. I think you're a good mother because you asked for help. Raising a child alone takes superwoman strength - I salute you.

K. L.

A.,
I am a single Mom to a 2 and 1/2 yo and this week,I share your
same concerns.I have been trying to ignore and been in my own world and yelling and slapping her hand. I started a new job and its nothing but creating hassles to having no childcare (at the last minute) to just the pressure of starting over. I dont feel like myself at all.I dont have any advice to give since I am in the same boat but wanted you to know I appreciate you sharing and will read the responses myself for advice but just wanted you to know that there are others like you out there in the world having the same difficulties........

Dear A.,
Don't get worried. And anyone who would reply negatively is lying or completeely rude and insincere.

I have a spouse and a live-in friend who take some of the burden off of me for raising my two children and there are still days when I want to scream when they touch me. And I swear they know, I must give off pheremones to increase touching and hanging on to me - LOL.

But, let's focus on you. I know you say there is no free time when you are a single mom, but you have to find some way to get some free time. Is there a neighbor or friend you can swap or ask for an hour a week? An hour for yourself to do with as you please. How about a playdate with another child? You might also try establishing a new routine of an hour of time for your son in his room playing quietly on his own. I don't know how it happened but my younger can play alone much better than my oldest. She is looking for constant entertainment from me.

Maybe when your son begins climbing and hanging on you he needs physical exercise and release of energy? How about he rides a bike while you walk or both of you take a short walk around your neighborhood?

At the least, when you feel yourself loosing control (as we all do on the rare occassion) keep saying to yourself, "this too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass". Believe it or not, there will come a day when your son will want you to stop hugging and clutching on him.

Good luck! You will get through this. And you will find the resources to carry-on.

My cousin is a single mom-her boy is nine almost ten. It's a hard hard position to be in.
Try to get him involved in some kind of activiy. Check the Rec centers.
You do need a break-you have to take care of yourself as well. Find someone you trust to babysit for you for a couple of hours. A friend or if you belong to a church someone you trust from there.
I have a five year old boy and i know how hyper boys can be.
Hugs. Hang in there.

Hi A.! You are not alone! Don't be ashamed of your feelings it's great that you recogonize what is going on and that you need some support! I understand where you are at and believe me when I tell you that just about every Mom goes through what you are going through at some point or another durring their child's life..espically when your doing it all alone. We all get tired, run-down and feel like we need to be alone or at least left alone for a time. Being a parent is a very stress filled job and doing it alone means twice the stress. Not having family you can really count on makes it even harder. I understand that completely! Take some time to reach out to your friends...try starting a journal both are great ways to vent or bounce ideas around. I have found over the years that my friends are more "family" to me than my own family in more ways than one. Don't feel like you are imposing...they probably know that you need them and are just waiting for you to let them know. Sure, taking some time off/away from your son will help...maybe one of your friends could take him for a weekend or something. If not finding even a couple hours away while he enjoys a play date might help! Try doing some unusual fun things with your son...take little day road trips, go exploring in a new area, change your routine! Even a weekend away with your son in a new place might help! Start a new project, start a new hobby, try to get out of the house! You can work though this point! It may take some time, but things will get better! Best wishes!

Everyone needs time to themselves once in awhile and the more stressful your life is it seems the more you want/need that time. My suggestion is find activites that you can take him to but not neccessarly have to participate in. Take him to the playground let him climb on the jungle gym while you bring a book or magazine to read or listen to music. Try enrolling him in a sport like soceer tees, most towns have rec. programs that aren't that expensive, or try your local library for story hour. All theese activities you can be there for him but still have some time to yourself. Good luck.

Stress and a Glass of Water

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked,
"How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g. to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued,

"And that's the way it is with stress management.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,

as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,

we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water,

you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.

Don't c arry it home.

You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,

So, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.

Don't pick it up again until after you've rested awhile.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their Maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply, be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more,

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door!

God Bless you! You took the most important step in asking for help! You received a lot of good support and advice here...
You do need some time for yourself, even if just an hour. Weigh them out and ask God which is the best road to take. Having said that getting involved in a Church Community is also a big help. Some churches have wonderful youth groups that you can get your son involved in where he will be around other children as well as some positive role models. You don't necessarily have to belong to the church. Some have Vacation Bible Schools (which may be over now - but continue some activities even once a week) It will give YOU some grown up contact as well.
I was a single parent for many of my son's early years (until he was 12) I have my own business and I have many single parents as clients and I tell you that -- what you are feeling is quite common. Talking with a Family counselor is a great idea. I prefer to recommend a Christian based counselor but secular can work well for you also. It would help just having someone that you know will KEEP your confidence -- help you through this part of your life.
Remember God loves you, he will help you through these trials.
I will be praying for strength/courage and wisdom for you!
God Bless,
M.

Hi A.,

I feel the same way with my little one. She's 13 months and when she has those moments that she wants to sit on my lap or wants me to carry her while I'm either reading or cooking and cleaning and it makes me feel so guilty and like I am a bad mom. But what I do is everytime she is like that I take 10 or 15 minutes to play with her or include her in what im doing. If I'm reading, Ill sit her next to me and give her one of her books, if I'm cooking I'll sit her in high chair in the kitchen and give her plastic sppons and bowls to play with and take advantage when your son naps and use that as your me time. Its hard believe me but little by little it will get better, and dont feel guilty you are human and a mom and being a mom isnt easy but its worth it.:0)

You do need a break from him for a little bit. School starting should help with that. Also he is just trying to get some "mommy time" from you. Indulge him a little by coloring or cuddling for a little while. He'll get his fill and then go play by himself for a while.

I stay at home with my kids and have them with me 24/7, especially when my oldest was little. I just felt like she had to be with me all of the time. I remember one night she woke up and wanted me, but I didn't want her. She was in her bed crying, and I just laid there in my bed (hers was next to mine at the time.) I realized that she just wanted me and picked her up. I ended up crying with her, and we "reconnected" on closeness. I felt better after that, and she got the mommy time she needed.

For finding "free time" try doing some pampering of yourself. Try a bubble bath after he has gone to bed. Or paint your nails while he plays. Even something simple can make you feel so much better, and do NOT feel guilty about it! You deserve to feel good.

Good luck! You did the right thing asking for help and recognizing what you are feeling.

Hey A. P.,

I, too, am a single mother of a 5 year old and can relate to your sentiments. I don't have much support either and you are right, it can get quite tough at times. My first question to you is... are you a stay-at-home mom? If so, is your son home with you all day during the day, or does he attend camp? I've found that these factors play a role in the frustration level between me and my son. I have been home with my son the entire summer and I often struggle for a break. My son will be starting kindergarten in about two weeks, and I have a feeling that our relationship will become more pleasant at that point. Keep in mind, that it is difficult for any two people to spend that much one-on-one time alone, without any outside stimulation. My suggestion to you is to find a playgroup in your area, or if you are not a very social person, then just find a free park nearby to take him to every day for a little outside activity and a little much-needed "space". My son is very active and I've found that the short time outside does us both much good. You could also find a hourly drop-off daycare for those days when you just need a few hours of quiet time to yourself or when you need to get a few things done around the house. Also, do you feel like you have sacrificed your lifestyle and/or many of your personal goals in life to raise your son? Unfortunately, I've found that this affects my feelings towards my son sometimes. My approach, and suggestion to you, is to find something that you really want to do for yourself and set out to accomplish it no matter what. I know that you said that you don't have much support, but maybe it can be something as simple as joining a book club, taking a cooking class, or getting a babysitter every other Friday night so that you can just go out and do whatever you want to do, by yourself. Mothers sacrifice so much for their children, especially single mothers, that sometimes the job can leave you feeling quite bereft. We have to remember to give back and replenish ourselves physically, spiritually, and mentally. I am happy to say that, after eight years off, I have recently applied to go back to school and plan to begin my graduate studies in the spring. I am excited about my studies and looking forward to finally doing something for me! However, I am sure my son will reap the benefits of my new career, but also my new attitude. Good luck, and in the meantime, try not to take too much of your frustrations out on your son. He just wants your attention because he loves you. He is also at the stage where he should be becoming more independent, but keep it mind it may take some practice and patience before it becomes natural for the both of you. Try to preoccupy him with creative and productive activities so you can get that much-needed break!

Our situation is a little different but the feeling is mutual. I am a sahm of 2 ages 3 & 6. We moved to PA 1 yr ago with my husbands work. I went from a full time working mom with lots of help to a sahm with no friends, family, no support system. I am at the point that I feel I am always yelling . Everything stikes me the wrong way and my kids are always fighting. And as soon as I hear my 3 year's hi pitch scream I want to pull my hair our or just lock my self in a room. I can never get away just for myself and my husband works a lot.
What worked last week was I took them to a play ground and just let them run wild and since there was no where for the to run off too I just sat a bench with a book and read for a while. It was nothing big but for a while I was able just let them run around and do their thing.
I also finally made a friend that has 2 kids the same age as mine. We decided that starting next month we would each pick a day of the month where we can have a date with our spouses and we would watch each others kids.
It may only be for a few hours but I think it would be just enough to restore our sanity back.
Also try some play dates for your son. I know you will probably have to have someones kid over to your house but once in a while you can send him to someone else.

A. - I am in the exact same situation as you are. My daughter is 10, met her father a handful of times, but he has not been in contact for 6 years. When he was it was merely to tell me what a horrible parent I was (like he would know). My family also tends to add more stress than alleviate it. If it were not for some extremely supportive friends, I don't know how I would make it this long. Your son is too young at this time to understand what you are going through but know that some day you will be able to explain to him that you need alone time. And you do. My advice to you is make time for yourself - at least 1 hour a day. Make that time a time to look forward to. It will calm you and give you a respite from things. When things get overwhelming you will have a happy thought to get you through it. It can be simple too, rent a movie you have been dying to see, write or call a friend you haven't seen in a while. Take the advice of some of the other moms here too and build a network. If your family is not helpful, then try Single parents groups. They are a great way to meet new friends with children your childs age and they often offer babysitting rotations so you can get out once in a while.

Good luck and bless you. I know it is hard - it it hard for me too. But remember how much you love your son and remember that there are many many other people feeling the same way you do right now.

Good Morning A.! I see you have got many wonderful responses...but I thought 1 more cant hurt ;) I am a SAHM & we have a 3 yr old son. My husband works a lot of over-time. I can relate to your feelings...I would loooooove just to be able to pee by myself!! Please, I'm not asking for much!!
My girlfriend (mother of a 5 yr old son) & I were chatting about the fact that EVERYTHING/ONE has become soooo aggravating & you just feel like you're going/want to go postal (she called it feeling like Joan Crawford ha!) She is very knowledgeable about all things natural & organic, she has been taking HOLY BASIL. It uplifts, calms, balances & elevates spirits (I see your from Hastings~ we get it in Altoona- at Everything Natural in the Pleasant Valley shpg. cntr). As per her suggestion I have started taking it, too. Now by the end of the day; Justin- does have a tendency to "wear me thin" BUT other than a 24 hour IV drip of this...I think it makes a difference. Just in case you want to try a more natural approach ;) I'm not sure if you come to Altoona to shop for groceries, but the new Martins (near the Altoona hospital) & Giant Eagle both offer a free "day-care" while you shop. I think your allowed 60 or 90 mins. I said some day, I'm going to buy just a magazine, sit in the store & read it he!he! Although if your little fella is used to being with you- like mine, last week he refused to go in the Kids Tree House...Argh! I hope you're able to find a little you time-you DO deserve it :)
Have a Great Day!!!

Stick in there and you'll make it through. I couldn't even imagine being an only parent. My son drives me nuts and he has away time. U need to just try to find something that makes you feel like yourself, your whole (mines sewing), a stress reliever (taking a walk). You need to talk with the family you do have and see if maybe someone will take him off of your hands for a day or even a few hours. Try to find a moms group (www.meetup.com) in your area and get out with your son and w/o some times. Find yourself a good babysitter for when you do need to just get away. He's gonna be going to school soon so that will help you out tremendously. Make sure you do some stress relieving things while he is in school.. If I were you he'd be in a 5 day a week preschool just so you have that free time. I hope I helped, stick in there. We all need a little free time to ourselves just to find ourselves again.. Goodluck. :)

A.,

You have received so many responses, and I don't have the time to scroll through them all, so I apologize if I am redundant on any level.

I have several suggestions:

--Get involved with a local Parenting Center. Many school districts have replicated the Parenting Center at Abington, which is the original, and which is fantastic. It is an amazing facility and support network. If you can get to the one at Abington, I would go there. Give them a call and go from there. (The Parenting Center at Abington 1130 Old York Road, Abington, PA 19001 ###-###-####, http://www.centerforparentingeducation.org)

--Perhaps seek some counseling to help with the anger management and to learn new ways of coping with it. (The Parenting Center can help with that, too.) Check with your insurance company to see if there is an inexpensive way to do this. If you are employed, your employer may have an employee benefit plan that gives you a few free sessions with a counselor.

--Seek out a mother's helper. Even if money is tight, it may be worth paying a neighborhood preteen or young teen a few dollars a couple times a week so you can go for a walk by yourself, or have a cup of coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, or just nap.

--Contact your local Girl Scout and/or Boy Scout troop, and/or church youth group. There may be some trustworthy kids who are working on a service project where they need to take care of kids...free of charge! :)

--The "child care" can be while you're at home. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I was so exhasted that a couple of times I had a mothers' helper come over while I took a nap. It was really helpful. I could look out the window and see the sitter sitting in the wading pool with my daughter, or playing in the yard, and then go to sleep comfortably for an hour. It helped...and being tired really can contribute to frustation and anger.

--Just remember a lot of moms go through this at one time or another, single or not, so there will be tried and true methods out there to get through this!

Good luck!

I f you take him to an outdoor activity that you both enjoy it will help you relationship.He is probably bored or insecure with your anger toward him.They get clingy when they are bored or worried that you will leave him.Try a childrens museum ,lake beach,library or bookstore chidrens hour. Also find a mothers group that may meet once a week .Enroll him in the YMCA they have classes for young kids. good luck

A.,

I am also a single mom and I can understand what you are going through. I think you definitely need to get your son in day care full-time, if possible. I have found that i am a better mom when my son is not with me all the time. Do you have financial constraints? Some places, like the YMCA, can give you financial help. Also, do you live in Phila area? I just moved here and I might be able to help you.

J.

First of all, I would like to tell you that I think you are very brave to be this honest. And to tell you the truth, I have also felt this way about my children. There is such a thing as too much togetherness. Even with our children. It doesn't mean that we don't love them. It doesn't mean we are bad parents. It means we're human and need a break sometime! Have you thought about depression medication? I found that after I started taking Zoloft, my anger issues calmed down. I too found myself yelling all the time and just feeling horrible most days. The Zoloft has helped immensely! I really hope you can figure out how to get the break you obviously need!

A.,

Hey there. I read your message and it definately hit home with me. I have the same sort of trouble now and again. Sometimes I'll go a couple weeks feeling great, and loving life and then for a couple weeks I just want to be alone for awhile. I am a SAHM with two girls 11 months apart and now that they are 3 and 4 it seems even harder than when they were infants because they have minds of their own and not only do they want me all the time but they dont always want to do what I tell them without arguing which of course makes me even more upset. I have found the best thing to do (since I am not taking medication and hope to stay away from it) is actually exercise. Exercise is NOT my thing at all. It takes a lot of pushing to get myself to do it, but I find that if I take the kids outside and actually run around a bit or take them on a run with me (they LOVE to run and run and run) I find myself laughing, and feeling so much less stressed, at least for awhile. It really has helped get me through the really tough times. The other thing I like to do is when they are playing nicely is stop and read a book, put myself in a completely different place for awhile. That seems to give me a small vacation. I also have no family around at all, and since I stay at home and we only have one car, I dont get our more than maybe once a week, if that. I feel your pain. If you ever want to just chat send me a message :) Good luck to you.

Hi honey...we are all here to support you...:)
I was a single Mom for 10 years and completely understand where you are coming from. I also found out when my son was 6 that I had been suffering from depression and just thought it was me with a short fuse. It really sounds from what you are describing that this might be the case. Talk to your Doctor about it and ask for a SSRI. Wellbutrin SR helped tremendously...it's not addictive and will begin working in a few weeks. You will feel the dark clouds part....I wish you good luck!

A. P. I don't have any answers for you, but I do want to say I hope you work through this fast. It sounds like you need some space. I am sorry you dont have better support. Try and remember he is only 4 and he still needs you. Maybe try to think before you react by yelling and he will not be so clingy. Hopefully when he starts school things will calm down for you. Do you have a job? Maybe if you go to work and have outside contact that would make you feel better. If you got a job do you have a sitter to use? Do you do activities with your son like coloring, let him help you set the table while you make dinner maybe he will feel like you are spending time together. Is there any young people that live near you that you could set up a play date for him and get some free time that way (an hour or two once in a while is better then none). Maybe find a teenager that you could barter with for babysitting hours so that you could run errands or just get out. I think you are crying out for help and I hope that you get the help that you need before something drastic happens.

A. just please try to find a way to fix this. He is an innocent little who did not ask to be brought into this world so please make sure you love him with all your heart and soul. A. I forgot to say Good Luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

A. -
you won't hear any yelling from me. Lately, I have had a lot of the same feelings with my kids (but, especially my older one). I knew the yelling was not "right"...yet it was really hard for me to stop and control myself. This was new for me...only over the past few months. I sat and thought about it to determine what the hell was going on...did I need to start taking medication?, does this stem from something else?, am I stressed?, etc. My mom recently passed away..and my siblings and I are trying to come up with a plan to financially support my dad and move him near us. In addition - I was getting little support from my husand's family...I felt they didn't seem to understand why I was so upset about losing my mom. And - when I reached out for help...so I could go out to dinner and talk with my husband alone...they would make it difficult for us to do so (even though they didn't have other things goin on). SO - I decided it was my extended family stressing me out...so I avoided talking to them. I continued to talk to my father to make sure he was well...but I avoided talking to my siblings sincce those conversations got so heated. And IT HELPED!!!!! I was FINE with both of my boys...my head was clear and I was stressing about something else.

Now - I cannot completely avoid the extended family forever (wouldn't that be nice)...I just need to learn to cut off the conversation before it gets heated...or do my best to keep everything civil.
My advice....it is unlikely your son it is causing the problem. Although he does things that drive you mad...it probably isn't him. Look at the other things in your life that are giving you lots of stress...and manage them differently. This takes A LOT of work...but you will only become a better person and better parent for it.

I'll say a prayer for you (cause I say one for me everyday). You'll be ok :)

If you are in the york area there is this place called the Lehman Center and that is a very good resource for times like this. we all go thru it married or single. It you need more if please contact me
____@____.com
they will actually keep him for a few nights so you can have time to yourself at no cost.

First of all, kudos to you for being brave enough to admit your feelings out loud. It takes a lot for us to share our weaknesses with others and get past the fear of being judged. Secondly, I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have so much on your shoulders and we all feel that way from time to time and many of us have a second parent to lean on or we get our time away.
Since it seems you are unable to get some alone time, I would say to try and find a group that does play groups. That way you can get out with other Moms. You will have your son with you but he can make friends and so can you. After a few interactions with the same group, other Moms start to work together to watch what the kids are doing and they get comfortable sharing their stories. Sometime just hearing that others are going through the same thing is reassurance. It also can be therapeutic to hear yourself process your feeling out loud. Try looking into a "Moms meet-up" or I like "Mothers and More". In the mean time try not to be too h*** o* yourself! Good Luck!
R. N.

Is there anyone that can watch your son like a friend or family member so that you can get out for a few hours to pamper yourself? How about a gym membership with a babysitting service so that you can burn off the stress and get time to yourself. LA Fitness has a babysitting service that your son would enjoy at his age. You would both benefit from it.

You are awesome to confess this, and to be raising your son yourself. A lot of annoying behavior, especially in boys, comes form boredom. I've been watching the Olympics and hearing Michael Phelp's single mom say she threw him in the pool because he was "hyperactive" was very inspirational. I know this is your stress, not your son's behavior. But as a boy, he needs to start having independence and responsibilities, classes, etc. School will help of course. Think of something nice you can do for him, which also gives you some freedom. If there is an activity with strong male role models involved, all the better. Sports, karate, etc. It is very important for him to look up to a man. As for yourself, do whatever it takes to make yourself less stressed. If it's turning away family, or renting a bunch of your favorite movies and telling your son he's going to go play with a friend etc, I don't know your life and your system, but be nice to yourself. Church is a place to meet nice people with nice kids and find out about lots of free activities. My neighbor supports a single mom from her church and has her and her son for holidays etc..you may find more support there. Breathe deep and remind yourself how much you love your son and how you would never want to lose him and take it day by day. I hope people are sending good resources for boys activities, I have none. Best Wishes to you!

Honestly, I know alot of women who go thru what you're feeling. Most won't admit, and some just joke to sound like they are kidding.

I know lack of sleep, hormones, stress and not enough time for yourself can make ya feel that way. There are days when my husband comes home, and I'm like, ok, take care of your kids, I need a break. That is totally normal and human, no matter what anyone else says.

Do you have friends with kids, specially around the same age? Try to set up some playdates, where the kids can play and you can interact with adults, or even get a sitter and have a night out with the girls. I know sometimes family can add to the stress of life instead of making it better, believe me. I come from a big italian family and sometimes it's overwhelming.

Right now, my 1 yr old is climbing up and down on my lap, and my 5 yr old is either askin a million questions about nothing or tellin me the same story over and over. Any yes, I do spend quality time with my kids, but sometimes, ya just need some time to yourself. That is natural.

Try to realize , your child in young and innocent and only has you. Take a deep breath, and remember this too shall pass. And don't feel guilty for needing and wanting time to yourself and some adult time with other , also. That is totally natural.

If ya need too, go talk to someone once a week. Hey, it can't hurt.

Good luck and God Bless.

i have a 4 year old son as well. i understand your frustration and i have the same trouble at times. i find myself yelling at him, which in turn only makes him misbehave for more attention. all in all, i try to take 5 minutes, wether it is to sit in the bathroom and cry, scream, whatever it may be then i change what we are doing. we go for a walk, take a bath, something to make me remember how much i love him. i hope this helps. good luck

I have been in your spot, but when i was in ur spot i had twins to do it with. I am still not sure how i got myself threw it all. And at that age it is very hard for them to understand that u need just a few mins to your self. If it is to use the bathroom to just soaking in the tube for your time.

So u have any friends that wouldn't mind taking him for an hour or so? Or maybe a friend that he plays with a lot?

I am no longer a single mom, but it is still hard for me to find my time. I get home from work and my youngest wasn't to be all over me. And my husband usaly is at work when i get home to relave the babysitter. So in a way i am still a single parent.

Things will hopefully get better once school starts. Best of luck and hold in there.

I may get in trouble for mentioning God, but that's ok.

I have no doubt that you love your son, or else you wouldn't have asked for help!

Now that you've had a chance to vent this feeling, it isn't trapped inside anymore. I have felt like this off and on too. I think many of us would be lying if we said that we've never felt this way on occasion. Here are the three things I do when I get these feelings.

1. I pray for help and for peace to come to me from God.
2. I call my best friend and she prays with me too.
3. I look deeply into my son's eyes and remember why I love him. Then I ask him to forgive me for being so angry and we start over with our day.

I can't say I completely understand, I have never been a single mom. I was raised by one though, and the stress is unreal sometimes. If I didn't have the support of my church and my friends, I would lose it. All of my family lives out of state. If I haven't completely offended you, and you would like to have a group of women around you who can give you some support, let me know! If I have made you feel badly in some way, I am sorry.

I understand.. single.. and no free time away. However, I agree with the Doctor. It sounds like you are getting "burnt out". You need a break. When school starts, it might be easier. In the meantime, find other parents you can network with. (either from work, neighborhood, or church). Better yet, find other single moms you can network with and help each other out. Some churches have single mom groups. I would encourage you to find one. Good luck.

A.,
You've gotten alot of great advice/suggestions. I just wanted to thank you for asking for support and encourage you to continue to.
I do not have much family support as far as babysitting goes and have definately had days where I just wanted my boys to give me space. My family are supportive but equally busy/stressed with their own lives. I've learned to go outside and get help.
*MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) in southern chester county it's connected to Willowdale Chapel - www.willowdalechapel.org under women and then MOPS. if you are outside this area check the MOPS international website..www.mops.org I think.
*MOMS (mothers offering mothers support)the have groups all over. www.moms.org
*Churches often have small groups for singles/moms/etc...(and honestly God is the best stress relief.)
*YMCA - if finances are also a restriction (when aren't they?) you can apply for a scholarship. You can relax and unwind/exercise/read while the kids are in childcare for a couple hours. I like to swim and get in the hottub on really stressful days.
*meetup.com - get online and find a group that fits you.
I've found that being out with other people doing something removes some of the stress and also keeps me a bit more grounded when dealing with my boys.
*Through moms groups, I've found another mom who lives close who does a kid swap with me once a week. It gives us both a chance to get other things done and a break from the boys (have to admit sometimes I just nap during this time!)
*friends and family - I can understand that you may not have a support system here but encourage you to let them know that your feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes they just need to know that your stressed and need to vent and DONT want advice etc. My niece is a single mom and she'll call and say - I don't want you to comment - just listen...and I know to keep my mouth shut.
*journal - someone mentioned this. I specifically write down what I have to be grateful for each day (at least 3 things) some days it's simply that I got up and showed up...I also like to record all the sweet things/moments I share with my boys. I recently looked at an old entry and had forgotten some of the things they have said and done. I got to laugh and smile and appreciate them so much more and have a better perspective. Make sure you give yourself credit for all that you are doing right. There's more than you know.
*Doctors - if it seems you need more than just a break or you don't seem to be able to relax, therapy or medication might help.
Take care of yourself and don't forget to breathe. : )
D.

A.,
Being a single parent without a support system must be exteremely challenging. Although I am not in the same situation as you, my mother in law has been. She found a single parent support group that really helped her and made lifelong friends. Yes, you need time to yourself. I think there is a (exaggerated) perception that being a mom is everything. It really isn't "everything" for many people, and I am not embarrassed to admit that I love being a mom, but I still need time for myself as well to feel fulfilled. Maybe you can find another single parent in a group and take turns babysitting. Good luck.

You are not a terrible person, and asking for help is the right thing to do. No matter how much you love your son, kids can be really hard to deal with! I don't know if I have the answer, but maybe just a few thoughts...

1) I know how hard it is to have a family that adds stress rather than lowers it- and I know that can make you feel even more alone. My family is like that, and sometimes when I see magazines or other things that make it seem like all families are perfect, I want to scream! It definitely makes life harder, but just know you are not alone.

2) It sounds like you could use more of a support system, as well as more time. Do you have friends with young kids, or a good church group, or anything like that? Maybe you could find a play group so you could be with other moms? As far as more time, here's some websites that might help you: www.successfulsinglemoms.com and www.workingmom.com

I really wish you good luck working things out.

Dear A.,

I have been there. I know what you are going through. And it's hard, cause you love your son and you don't know why you don't want to be around him. You definantly need to find time for yourself....no matter what. I still go through those same feelings now and my daughter is 8 years old. It's hard to work full time and have an only child who wants attention after a long hard day at work.

Maybe see about setting up play dates....give you an hour or so to yourself. Also....have you thought about getting on an antidepressant? I know that a lot of people cringe at the thought....I did....but my doctor put me on paxil and it was wonderful, and I was only on it about a year.

You can do this.....stay strong for your son and for yourself. I'm here if you need to talk.

-L. Brown
____@____.com

Hi A.,
Try the YMCA! They have a daycare that you can take him too right in the center that usually will take him for about 2 hours while you are in the center working out, swimming, yoga, whatever it is you may need. If you are like me, youre next thing will be, "can I afford it?" The Y has alot of programs for Moms that cant afford much. You both can get a membership for little to no money at all. Im sure you will qualify for something that will help you. It is a huge help, he gets to play with other kids, you get a few hours to yourself and exercise to boot! You can also do things together, swimming, etc too! They also usually have a summer camp program, which may be over now, but for next year that you drop him off in the morning and do either a half day or whole day. They can play all kinds of cool things. They have a huge selection to choose from for them. (I only paid $20 for a whole week for whole day summer camp....) Look into it. They also have nights called "parents night out". Not sure how old he has to be but you can drop him off these nights for a few hours! Your sanity is worth it for the both of you. He is only 4 and doesnt understand why Mommy feels like this. He just knows you are his rock! You are his bestfriend right now. So do what you have to and keep yourself happy and relaxed so the time you two do have together is what you both need! Dont feel ashamed! You are human!!! They just dont realize that from the time Mommy wakes up til he goes to bed, you constantly have someone there needing you, pestering you, wanting you.....
You need your time to! Take it girl!!! Write if you need anything!!

Well, I would start by recommending you work on making friends. I know, I know, it's easier said than done!

I know the feeling though of needing some time off. Maybe see if you can get a weekend to yourself to get your you time done--see if there are any babysitters or any family members that could help you out.

You have a huge responsibility and you've obviously been doing a great job for the past 4+ years.

So hang in there and if you want to chat, you can pm me anytime.

I understand your frustration, my sister in law went though that for a long time until her and my nephew's father decided to work things out. The best advice I can give you is if you have family around, see if you can get a babysitter for a day, even a half a day, maybe a few hours where you can get time to yourself, whether it's to decopmress or read, or anything alone. Also, try to find a group of mother's in your neighborhood who go to the park or something like that. It sounds like you might just need real adult contact. With that being said, I am sure you have heard this but I am going to say it, I said it to my sister in law a lot, you are his mother and you are the only thing he has. He didn't decide to come into this world, you brought him here. Try and think about that everytime you want to yell at him or want him to leave you alone. His only four years old. I know it may be hard sometimes but he is only a child. Treasure the time you do have with him, he won't stay this little forever and there probably will come a time when he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Everyday is a gift and it's okay to be frustrated, don't take it out on hime. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. You are not a bad person, just someone stuck in a situation. At least you had the courage to ask for help.

Hi A., I feel for you. I don't have family support either. I admire you for asking for help in such a difficult situation. Because you are strong and smart enough to notice something is wrong and then to ask for help, you are a better mom than you are giving yourself credit for!
First of all, you need to see a doctor and find out about all the options there are for depression and anxiety treatment. If you are on medication already, it sounds like it is not doing what its supposed to and should be changed. In the meantime, I have found that whenever my kids really need attention from me and I'm not "in the mood," I grab a book, invite them on to my lap, and we read and cuddle for about 10 minutes. I do it whether they are asking or not. It just seems to keep us bonded and appease both of us. They usually are the ones to wriggle away from my lap and go find something to do. I think they leave my lap feeling assured that mom is there. They really just need that.
Also, when I do need to take time for myself (my husband travels alot so I'm on my own most of the time) I tell them that mommy needs a "time out." I tell my 4 and 7 year olds that they may play in their rooms quietly and then when I'm done with my "time out" they will get a snack or we'll play a game, etc. We usually take this quiet time after they are done with lunch. I use that time to read, exercise, chat on the phone, surf the web, etc, anything for just "ME." They have learned to respect this over time and they know that they are getting mommy back after a half an hour or so. By doing this almost every day, I have taught them some independence and also given myself some time for me. I have been able to increase the time to almost an hour! I hope this helps you. It can be so overwhelming to parent a busy 4 year old and you are so not alone to feel this way. However, You and your son don't have to suffer through this. You need to take care of YOU so that you can take care of him! Take care and best wishes! A.

Hi A.,

I see you needing some nurturing yourself and you are unable to give nurturing to your son. Find ways for you to have some free time by getting into a mother's support group.

http://www.momsclub.org/welcome.html

Get into an Al-Anon support group for families and friends of Alcoholics.

www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Check out your local child and family organizations or your local pastor to get someone to help you deal with your personal issues.

It is good that you are recognizing your need to support your son's mental health by a mother's love. Good luck. Hope ths helps. D.

Hi A.,

I am not sure what other advice you have received, but you do need to find time away in order to recharge. As a single mom it might be difficult financially to invest in a sitter for your son, but even getting out once a week to do something by yourself would be helpful. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to respond appropriately to your son which might be very difficult for him to understand. Imagine if the people you trust started yelling at you whenever you came near them? If even a sitter is too difficult why not consider a play date with another mom and child? That might give you time to talk with the other mom while your son is occupied playing with an age appropriate friend. I would caution you that if you are getting so angry it might be time to think of investing in some care for yourself even if it is difficult to swing. Your description states how devoted you are to your child and it would be heartbreaking for you (I am sure) if things got worse. Really consider getting help neither you nor your son deserve to live like this. Good luck, I hope you can find the support and help you need.

Hi A.. Fist off awesome in reaching out to other moms. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I find the best thing is to talk to other moms. They seem to be the only ones that really get it. I can not imagine how difficult it must be to be a single parent, since even with a husband it can feel impossible at times. I found that with so much giving I needed to receive for myself or I would get resentful. Since I am a therapist, I have actually created mom's groups where we can share our struggles and be resources for each other, as well as taking time for ourselves. I can't encourage the need to get support for yourself enough! Best of luck! J.

A.,
I feel your pain! I can't imagine how hard single parenthood must be. Your story breaks my heart but I understand the frustration. There is nothing worse than a lack of support when raising a child! I have a 5 year old girl and a 7 week old boy and have been married for 11 years. I know what a lack of support is, as well as stress from family. I want to be a support for you. Friends for you and your son are crucial at this time. Playgroups have been a lifesaver for me. Feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com in there! You're not alone and you ARE doing a great job with your son!
Jen