I Want to Leave My Financee Coz He Let the Child Control Him

So this guy is just your fiance'? I say if you don't have kids of your own with him, get out. Tell him that you think it is more important that he focus on raising his child without the interruption of you in the picture. His child is having problems and he needs to be there for him instead of worrying about you being upset. Also, his child could be having problems BECAUSE you are there. Children don't really like it when their parents are divorced, and when a new girlfriend or boyfriend becomes a priority for the parent, the children feel threatened and act out for the attention they SHOULD be getting from the parent. IMO divorced parents should not date or remarry until their children are 18. They need to be focused on raising their children and not their love life. The best thing you can do for this child and his father is to bow out gracefully and get on with your life.

Amen, Kate!

Keep in mind that when you live with or date or get engaged to or any combination of those a man with kids, his FIRST priority should be his kids. Move out and move on. He needs to be a father right now. You can't intervene with this child--you are not his mother OR stepmother. Disregard advice given about "no fun time after school..." yadda yadda. This kid needs stability in his life. He was sent away by his own mother. He may not even know what respect is. God bless this kid, he's gonna need it.

If your not married the easiest solution is to leave. Honestly taking on the responsibility of someone else child is huge and a great stress point in a relationship. If you are not on the same page as far as discipline and raising him, it will always be an area that you fight about.

It sounds like the beginning of a bad relationship. If you are already having problems like this with your fiance, you should end this relationship before you have a kid with him.

You're not going to change him, it's not going to get any better. And frankly, it's his kid and you don't have any right to change him. Go find someone else who you get along with.

I'm a stepmother, and I know how hard it is to discipline someone else's children. This child has been rejected by his mother (in his eyes) and your fiance seems unwilling to take control of the situation. Family counseling would benefit everyone. Your problem is not so much with the child as with his father. You should not accept disrespect from the child, but if the father won't enforce this, there's not much you can do. You can say you will not live in an environment where you are disrespected, but realize that the child may view this as a form of abandonment by you. You should address it as father/son need to have time to blend as a family, and they are not ready for an attachment with you. You cannot change this child - you can tell him you care about him and know that he is going thru a lot of changes and adjustments, and it's his father's responsibility. This will ultimately get between you and your fiance anyway, so I would make the break now. Things have been great, you say - but that's because there have been no challenges. His failure to stand up for you is a red flag. He may need professional guidance to develop parenting skills and something of a spine - but you can't do that for him.

Good luck, but don't let this fester.

It is not easy to be a stepparent and especially hard when the bioparent isn't effectively disciplining his/her child. I would lay it out with your fiance and if things don't change, I think this is a legitimate reason to go. Things don't magically change with marriage and in some cases it gets worse. First and foremost he's responsible for his child. In my home, I'm the deputy and my husband is the sheriff. While sometimes my husband thinks I'm harsh, I have perspective he doesn't always have. It's a balance. We work together. This kid needs a lot, including a stable home life, but that needs to start with the dad. If the dad doesn't step up, then you're facing a lifetime of resentment and picking up other people's mess.

I disagree with the person who said that parents shouldn't date/remarry til the kids are 18. There can still be issues then, and in the meantime Mom or Dad has lost the potential to have a partner sooner. My stepkids were 8 and13 when we married and we've done alright. I think a LOT of it comes from how the bioparent parents and what expectations there are as a family.

Ok, I ended up with my husbands kids right after we got married and I made the choice for him to get custody. Long story.......we did. Was it easy, absolutely NOT. He too took up for his kids because he worked all the time and we had my kids and his kids to take care of. Since you are not married, then I would postpone everything and let him deal with his son. They need time to get to know each other and interact.
If you love the guy, then I would give him 6-12 months to get his life in some sort of order. I would get an apartment of my own, and date. Stay engaged if you want, but living together is not the choice.
I don't agree with the "don't" marry until your kids are grown either. My husband and I are going on 29 years of marriage. No, it wasn't easy, yes, we had issues with the kid, but we were both happier being together. And happy parents make happier kids. If you are lonely and hating yourself because you are too focused on the kids, then you are not going to be a good parent. Kids adapt better than you think .
It is just that this little guy has been tossed by the person who is supposed to love him the most. His mom. My stepson was the same way. Hopefully both of them will get some counseling, they are going to need it, especially the son.
Good luck and take care. Hang in there, if you love the guy, I wouldn't give up yet.....but I would take a step back for a bit to let them get some kind of relationship going. They will both love you for it too.

Kate P. said it all.

God bless you all.

N.,

Somehow your fiancée turned into your husband in a couple of paragraphs. What's up with that?

How old is this boy? Whatever his age, this child is in trouble and his parents aren’t helping. I suspect he’s feeling some abandonment from his mother and his father may be overprotective because he feels guilty.

Tell your fiancée/husband if he isn’t willing to have the three of you sit down and establish the family guidelines you will be leaving. It is clear some parenting classes and family counseling are in order. If your fiancée refuses to go, I think you should move out and let him develop the single dad, care taking roll for his son.

If you are married and have any hope of resolving these problems, you are going to have to take the lead and go to counseling on your own and show this child the love and discipline he deserves.

Blessings.....

I have a question, how old is this child? If he is old enough to have a conversation with, I'd try talking to him about his behavior, about his feelings about his mom, dad, living situation. Be understanding of his feelings. I'd try to get to the bottom of his anger and put him in counseling. This poor kid is acting this way b/c it's the only way he can get his frustration out. He's been abandoned by his own mother. Can you imagine how that must feel? His father is always going to stand up and be protective over his son. It's natural, that is his son. This child needs to be taught discipline, respect, manners, etc. Kids aren't born knowing how to behave, they are taught. Perhaps noone has taken the time to work with him on this. If I were you, I'd either step aside and allow father and son to figure this out or I'd get into family counseling and work with someone to figure out a way to start controlling his behaviors. It will not happen overnight. Choose ONE behavior to focus on first, set up rules, get a discipline plan (time out, take something away if he breaks a rule,etc), and be consistent. If you choose to stick this out with this family, then be the POSITIVE person in the group and make it your goal to help this little boy.

The first thing I feel you should do is confront the child, if they are old enoug to cause so many prolems then they are old enough to understand. Then the biggest step would be to confront the father. If the father doesn't want to take matters serously or believe you then take it into your hands. Considering you are about to marry the childs father the child is some what yours as well. The main goal is to set boundries for the child and see to that they are fullfilled. For example: child does not do well in school, then you disapline with no fun time after school, or weekends. Also talk to the teachers and see what the child is doing to cause such problems. Yes its going to be hard but it will help. If the child does not want to eat the dinner you made and your fience just goes and makes something else, talk to you fience and say that the child should just go with some bread and butter with a glass of milk or something if the child does not want to eat. If the child does not pick up after thereself then make it rewarding to do it, give them a treat for cleaning up or sit there and help them put things away (don't do it for them but show them how to do it) and tell them that if they do it then they will be rewarded for it. If they are not aloud to play but they clean up then let them have a day outside with friends. Also letting them have like a sleep over or something when getting good grades is great. If the child is into video games tell them that he/she could have a video game party if they bring there grades up or less trouble in school. If you have another problem let me know and i will get back to asap with a possible way to solve it. Also to make mornings go smoothly have the child set everything they need for the next day out the night before after dinner or bath time.