How to Help the Step Dad

This is a tough one, C.. Before I married my second husband, I was a single mother of two. My husband has a daughter of his own as well. Well, I told my "now" husband, that I am my children's mother, and I will decide on the disipline. He should be the one to disipline his. We discuss certain diciplinary issues that we have concerns about. But, NEVER in front of the children. We only have one mother and one father. My children love my husband very much and I love my stepdaughter. (Secretly, I wish she was mine, too! LOL). But, I really think that one mother and one father is really all ANYBODY ever needs. It works for us, it may work for you guys....Good Luck!

I sympathize with you completely. I had two children, ages 4 and 7, when I met my second husband. We dated for about 3 years before we got married. At first my children liked him very much. My husband is very old school as well. Very strict with the discipline and I am not. In the beginning we went to some counseling. Lighthouse in Catonsville is good and affordable. We only went for family counseling but they offer couples counseling as well. Now that I look back, I probably should have insisted that we return to counseling later in our relationship but I didn't think of it. My husband started out with time-outs for everything. He would get upset with the method my chidlren used for cuttng their meat at the dinner table. I don't think the step-parents understand how upsetting this can be for the natural parent. I felt so confused and caught in the middle. I was ashamed of the way I handled the situation. My husband also beleived in spanking and I do not. I actually had to get between him and my daughter or son once or twice to stop him. My daughter is now off at college but my son(now 16) lives with his father. We had so many difficult years and I felt I was always on pins and needles. Try speaking with your fiance privately. It is important that you and him always present a united front to the children. If he does something you don't like, pull him aside later and talk with him about it. Try to get to some couseling and resolve these issues before you get married. A lot of men, especially the old school type, do not like the idea of therapy. Something about airing your dirty laundry in public. Also, there are some step-parenting support groups in the area. I know Columbia has at least one. Then you could hear solutions from other step-families as well. This is not an easy situation for your fiance either. He was probably brought up in a strict household and our single source for learning how to be a good parent comes from our parents. It would be impossible to expect him to live in the same household with your child and not discipline him at all. When he fell in love with you, he had to accept you and your son as a package deal. Please try to be patient with him. I know this is hard. You will have to compromise as well as him. Stay strong and keep your son and your daughter's best interests as your top priority. I really wish all the luck in the world.

Hi, I think you and your fiance' should read this book :
How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Having a new baby can throw the older child to the "deep end", they suddenly feel like their world is not the same, ergo they act out for no reason..... The book is fantastic, puts it all in perspective how we should respect our kids feelings and to let them know, we understand and be there for them. Hope you'll find it useful!!!
Agi

C.,

First off when u met your fiance, did you all talk about your viewpoints on children and if you did was you okay with his view points on discipline and parenting. Now you said that 6 months ago, everything changed. I think the change was the BABY. Now your son might feels as though he's not wanted, so he's trying to get your attention. See we sometimes want everything to be a okay in the home with out making it a okay. All the nick picking your fiance is doing towards your son is a power thing. The same way he wants you to respect his discipline ways he has to respect yours. Sometimes they try to make us think that we are weak towards our children, it's not that, they get a little jealous of our love and relationship with children. Don't let him ruin your relationship with your son. Talk to your son and HEAR what's going on with him. Take him out sometimes and let him know that you will ALWAYS LOVE HIM NO MATTER HOME MANY CHILDREN YOU HAVE AND HOW MANY MEN COMES INTO YOUR LIFE.....

You are in a land mind. I married my second husband when my kids were 7 and 13. Two rules, he did not get involved in the discipline and the kids always always showed him respect. We did it that way for years and then when the trust and love were in place, he started participating in the decision about discipline.

Tell your fiance to back off. Please realize the harm that is being done to their relationship, the relationship you have with your son and ultimately the relationship between you and your fiance, All of this will only get worse if he continues to go against what you think is right for your son. And your son also knows you are not sticking up for him. Wake up and smell the roses girlfriend. Either your fiance stops this childish fight for power or your marriage is doomed. And your son will become rebellious and resentful. His teenage years are going to be hell. Thats when you lose your kids. You are his mother. Get control back now. Kicking you shows how resentful he is that you are allowing this to happen. And inside your gut you know all this. If you think your fiance will leave you if you make these demands, then so be it. You will be saving you and your son a lot of heart ache. YOu are his mom,, he trusts you, don't let him down.

Even though your fiance is an adult, you can save him face by telling him you spoke to a therapist and this is what they strongly suggested. Get strong mama.

Hi C.,

I hear you. I have had similar issues. I notice that there is a new baby in the family and that is going to take an adjustment. For everyone, especially your son. Maybe some of your fiance's reaction has to do with having a new baby. Is he anxious or worried or maybe a little unsure of things in this new environment and he may be taking those anxieties out on your son. At the same time, your son may be acting out because of the baby. My suggestions is to try and find out what your fiances concerns and fears really are. If you can figure out what is bothering him then you can come up with solutions. Then I suggest if he is insistent on enforcing rules you, he and your son come up with a list of house rules that everyone will agree to.

C., I am a step mom, Mark was 9 when I met him for the first time and 10 when his dad and I got married. He is now 35, his dad and I have divorced (15 yrs ago) but.... Mark and I are still very close. In the early years of our marriage my mother-in-law once said to me 'wait until you have your own children, you'll treat them differently'. That statement stuck with me for a long time because I didn't think I would be any different because I felt as though Mark was mine. His dad had full custody so... he was with us from day one. Eventually we had children (2 girls) and at some point my mother-in-law reminded of her earlier statement years before and said she was wrong. I treated the girls just the same as I treated Mark, it was one of the best compliments I could ever have received. Now each child had to be disciplined differently but.... that is normal, children are different and their needs are different as well. Even being raised in the same household. I hope my story will help you in understanding my experience as a step mom. I don't think we can tell how we will parent until we become one but... I do believe that we can alter our parenting styles if we truly want to. I'm sure you know this but since we are being open and honest I'll go ahead... your fiance has to be the one to see how he's changed his discipline style and he's the only one who can make changes in it. Maybe now that he has another child or his first - he sees things differently. TALK is the only suggestion I can truly give you and LISTEN, that is what will make a difference. Your son also sees that things have changed in your lives, he may be going through a lot on his own as well. Acting out he gets attention (good or bad) and the baby gets or needs a lot of attention without doing anything but looking cute. whew!! Sorry I am rambling now, I wish you all the best. P. c

I just would like to add that I disagree with those that say you should re-evaluate your relationship with your fiance. There are PLENTY of been married for a while parents that have discipline discrepancies. I don't think it has anything to do with re-thinking your relationship or anything (from going by what you said).

Well, there needs to be a mutual understanding between you two when it comes to discipline. What you were doing all along was working, but you have another adult living there that is your PARTNER (you two are a team). Imagine living with a child everyday and NOT disciplining them at all- that could be quite frustrating! I'm not condoning his ways however, because he should know that it is bothering you and respect you.

Perhaps especially since you two are a fairly new couple, some advice from a couples therapist of some sort (I know a lot of people look at that as scary or a sure sign that your relationship is doomed, but it isn't...). You may just get all the answers you need in the first 2 or so sessions. What a therapist does is help tell the other partner how the other one feels while validating their reasoning. It's very helpful, and you both should feel more understood afterward.

If it isn't something you are interested in, then try having the serious conversations on your own with him. And keep in mind that your opinion isn't the only one that matters because he's YOUR son; instead, try to find a happy medium. Your positive reinforcement may have worked, and may work now, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is the only way that would work or that there is no room for some changes invovling the way you used to do it. It is never a good thing to walk away from decisions (especially big ones) that were made when one person feels cheated and not heard. It needs to be as close to a win/win as it can get.

hope things start getting better for you,
Rebecca

First of all, have you examined your own language? You want to "turn my fiance around". Basically, you see your way as right and his as wrong. You're in a power struggle and your son is the prize. But obviously you have an important stake in having your son love his future stepfather. The two of you need to act as a team and meet in the middle. Start by realizing that your fiance's way is not wrong necessarily, only different. Sit down with him and discuss what things he thinks merit time-outs, what things can be ignored some of the time (picking your battles), what things are better taught through positive reinforcement. Be specific. Compromise. Agree in advance. Remind him that any punishment that is overused ceases to be effective (ask any teacher!), but respect the way he feels kids should be raised. Present a united front. As you're finding out, kids can smell inconsistency between parents and will use it to their advantage. Parenting classes wouldn't hurt. But have some sympathy -- being a stepparent is a hard road. Good Luck!

Hi C.
First, I'd like to say that I really understand your dilema since I am a mom and a stepmom. It is very difficult, especially in the first years of a relationship. I am a life coach for stepfamilies and have seen this often. You are not alone. First thing I would suggest is that your fiance and you sit and discuss "house rules". By this I mean who should be in charge of the discipline, getting chores done, taking the kids to outings, etc. There is an excellent book writting by Jeannette Lofas from Stepfamily Foundation titled "House Rules" and "Living in Step". I would recommend that you start by reading these books and then get counseling or help with someone who in very knowledgable with steprelations. The foundation also offers great information and tips on how to work in a steprelationship http://www.stepfamily.org/ . If you have any other questions regarding stepfamilies, let me know. By the way, it is recommended that the biological parent does the disciplining of their children but that the couple should have a united front. I hope this helps.

C. C.
Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

C.- I do parent coaching and have seen this type of shift in parenting styles before. It probably has more to do with a personal thing your fiance' is worried about or the new baby in the home. Becoming a "real" parent for the first time (and loosing sleep) can throw anyone over the edge! Is his job less secure? Is he worried about getting married? Are there problems in his family of origin? Trying to tackle the parenting style will be less effective than addressing what is bothering your fiance' at a deeper level. When we become insecure or frighted we tend to try to contol our outer world - sounds like this is what is going on with your fiance'.

S. Starseed MHS,LOT (www.insynctherapy.org)

I think the step dad needs some parenting classes. I think he should not be disciplining at all - you should (and whatever method you use that works, is fine). The boy is not his kid. It's not his job to discipline. The other thing is that you and your fiance must always present a united front. You might want to get into some family counseling - BEFORE you tie the knot.

If you're disciplining your child for every little thing, you're setting him up to fail. You are right - pick your battles. Chewing with your mouth closed is something that will come with time. However, if you keep riding him about it, it may be a "will against will" thing and he may do it just to get a reaction. Lead by example. If you want him to learn something show him that it is something that everyone does -- because it's polite, not because it's a rule. Also, if you give him time outs for everything, he will think, "I might as well do it, because I'm going to get a time out no matter what."

Maybe he need a "time out". His job is the military, but home is not. I'm sure he sees a lot of messed up kids. Your son is acting out because he does not understand what he is feeling. The family needs to work on this together and build the trust in your son back up. Dad needs to understand that love and trust work hand in hand with discipline. If a child does not trust the one doing the discipline, no matter what the discipline is it will not work.

Honestly, if you're looking for advice on how to turn your fiance around...on a website...from strangers... You obviously have doubts - serious ones. Did you notice that you say nothing about your relationship with this man other than how long you've been together? Three years is really not an enormous investment. Maybe you should try to look at your relationship objectively (is that really ever possible?!?) before you decide to marry a man you said yourself you son no longer trusts. ...I wish I had called three years a loss and followed my deeper feelings - and my sons instincts.

You guys really need to come up with a plan to work together! Your son is probably really confused and frustrated. When you are in a step parent situation, especially with a child who is older, you cannot be the disciplinarian. Your fiance needs to back off, you both need to agree on a plan and then you are the one who needs to address that punishment to your son. All that will happen if you keep up the way you are is that your son and fiance will hate each other and there will be constant tension in your home and that is good for no one, especially the kids.

Couples and Blended Family counseling NOW! Do NOT get married until you have this ironed out! Discipline will be the subject of MANY fights in your household if you don't get a grip on it now. Also, your son is going to trust issues with you if he feels that you are not "in his corner". I know it sounds harsh, but I've been there.

My personal experience and guideance from professionals much more versed in the workings of step families, is that step-parents should NOT being the ones dishing out discipline. Step-families are not like "nuclear" families and therefore should not be treated as such. Your fiance' needs to step back and allow you to be the one to disciplin your son. Otherwise, it'll get much, much worse before it gets better. Trust me on this one!

C.,

I think you should seek professional advice. I don't like the sound of how this is progressing. Your son needs attention and is jealous of your fiance, your fiance is trying to find his place in your family, but there's old school and there's over the top. If he's putting your son on time out b/c your 6 year old son is chewing with his mouth open, then your fiance has a lot of catching up to do when it comes to raising kids and yes, as you said, choosing battles.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your kids come first.

--M.

As a stepparent, I suggest that you be the sheriff and he be the deputy. While your fiance has been in the picture since your son was very little, something isn't working. If my husband and I are not on the same page, we discuss it privately and present the kids with a unified front. Sometimes I'll withhold a judgment or approval until I've talked to my husband, especially if I think the story is fishy. If I give a kid an extension on bedtime, for example, I tell their father so we both know the score and he doesn't yell at them for being late. This has helped the kids not play us off each other much.

If you don't think that every mouth chew requires time out (and neither do I) then that's something where you and the fiance need to talk. Try to agree on what does and doesn't get a time out. Maybe agree that you will handle table manners. It may also help your fiance to find out what is developmentally normal for a kid his age. Is he in a phase that your fiance finds hard to understand or handle? You say this is recent. Has something else changed for your fiance? Maybe the arrival of the baby has thrown things temporarily out of whack. It is not uncommon for stepparents to get look differently on stepkids when they have a kid of their own, although that's hopefully a temporary situation. Has he expressed any resentment recently about your son? Is he just feeling sleep deprived and easily irritated?

Something we used at the dinner table was the penny cup. The cup sat near the table and had a few pennies in it. When the child acted up, the cup was emptied on the table and that was warning #1. Each penny was another warning and if all the pennies were in the cup, the child left the table for time out/no dessert. This was an effective and somewhat subtle way to handle it with company, too. The first time I saw my husband use it, we were dating and trying to have a conversation. He pulled out the cup without a word and kept talking to me. The kids got the hint quickly. Once the kids know what it means, you don't have to say much.

Also, do you think any of your son's behavior is related to his father being gone? And/or the baby?