I Want to Be in LOVE with My Husband Again!

I've been in a similar situation, but we didn't have any children when my husband was gone for a year serving in the Air Force and stationed in Viet Nam.

I can speak from hind-sight:
First of all, life is all about perception. Men and women think and act differently. If both of you are selfish in what you want, your marriage isn't going to last. When my husband came home from Viet Nam, he and I had different views because we previously had different experiences. He didn't like that I felt more indepent and could make my own decisions about things -- I had to, life goes on. The length of our marriage was going on 13 years and 1 son was born from that marriage. When we parted ways and got divorced.

So, I was introduced to a good man through my family, and we were first friends, then we found out that we couldn't live without each other any more. We got married, and combined families--we had yours, mine and ours. Our marriage was good from the beginning, in spite of interference from an ex. That was h-e-l-l! Our son was born a year and month later after we were married. In fact, he was born on my husband's birthday. How awesome is that? It was great!!!

Second, thing to think about -- who exactly is your neighbor?
Is the family that lives in the house next to you? Yes!
But you have an even closer neighbor -- your husband 1st and foremost, then your children. I've seen a lot of marriages fail because the wife/mother doesn't pay any attention to her husband -- only to her children.

What are we told about loving our neighbor?
1st is to love God, then love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Do you love yourself? Do you think -- me, me, first! or my husband, what does he want? How can I show him that I love him? It's about willingly sacrificing and thinking of his needs before your own.

Third, I'm not sure I understand what you said about your husband not wanting intimacy. But, if he does, think about how great your intimacy was in the beginning of your marriage when you are intimate now. Tell him what you like him to do to help you love intimacy. He's not a mind-reader! If you like him to talk softly, sweetly and romantically to you -- tell him! If you like to cuddle -- that's a good place to start. Then he can talk the way I suggest; then, if you like him to softly touch you on your neck or your back -- tell him! When he does something you really like -- tell him just how much you like it! Then . . . You'll be surprised at how much fun intimacy really is, even after becoming a mother.

Fourth, make plans in your schedule for intimacy; however, be spontaneous. Things don't always work out the way we plan or think how they ought to go. Don't be disappointed! Don't fake it!

Fifth, what is your appearance like when you are around your husband? What is his appearance like when he is around you? Above all, personal hygiene is important for both of you. Clean, sweet-smelling hair is inviting to a man. Clean, smooth hands with trimmed fingernails is inviting to a woman.

Sixth, if you don't feel in the mood at the end of the day, either take a nap when the children do, or fall asleep for about an hour or so at night, then have intimacy; or, after a good night's sleep, have intimacy then. Before, the kids are up.

It is not easy being married or being a mother. It is, however, much harder, being a widow or divorced with children. It is especially hard the second marriage, with the combined families and with ex's.

My husand and I have been married almost 25 years. All of the children are grown and married with children of their own. We are in a different place in our lives, and we love it! We are as much in love now as we were in the beginning.

Hope this helps!

It sounds like you've gone through a really rough period, having your husband gone for so long and then being pregnant and alone and now a new baby and all of a sudden having him back and around all the time. That takes a lot of adjusting. I had a baby a year ago and for a year and a half really struggled with everything. I didn't realize I had some signs of depression, but I've worked through it just by reading books and trying to focus on positives. Give yourself some time and take the pressure off. Try to do some fun things both together and apart to regain your sense of self, it makes you both more attractive. It really does get better, especially when you're able to work through it together. It brings you closer. You might need to hire a babysitter more often or do something you enjoy some more to start feeling good, then that naturally spills into your marriage. Good luck!

Make a list of the things you like about him. No "I like this but..." or "I would like this better if..." Just things you like about him. Add to it whenever you think of something. Do this for one week - and even if you're too tired to do anything else before you go to sleep, thank God each night for at least one of the things on your list. You'll start finding those wonderful "in-love-with-you" feelings coming back. You'll fight less; you'll find it easier to overlook faults and quirks. Bear in mind that post-partum hormones can be different, too - but that in-love-with you feeling does come back again. And sometimes, men are intimate as a way of expressing their love for you - more often than women are. So sometimes, being intimate even if you don't feel like it is one of the best ways to express (and begin to feel, again) your love for him. Love leads to service, but it also stems from service - all sorts. Whatever you do, don't let your (mind's) eye start wandering toward other men and their apparent qualities compared to your husband - there lies a sure way to misery, however attractive it may appear at the moment. Good luck and God bless,
N Wilson

Are you going on regular dates together. Being alone and being able to talk over dinner does wonders for a marriage. Then don't just do dinner, remember the fun things you used to like to do together. Do something fun. The other suggestion I have is start serving him more, he will be appreciative and hopefully reciprocate. There is nothing that helps bring that strong feeling of love like knowing that your spouse went out of their way to do something nice for you. It could be as simple as rubbing his shoulders when he gets home.
If you just had a new baby and he has been in Iraq there is probably a lot of adjusting to do, marriage takes work sometimes, but it is worth it!

I have been married for 14 years and at times went through exactly the kinds of feelings you are going through now. I am happy to say that my husband and I are very much in love and depend on each other for everything. You have to understand first that it is not easy and it will require a lot of give on your side. The first step is to look at yourself and try to see what your husband is seeing and be willing to make changes. You cannot simply look at your relationship and say he is not willing to change, so neither am I. When you start to make significant changes, he will recognize it and be more willing to please you as well. You may scoff at this next suggestion, but it really can help you understand your husband better- I recommend you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She really opens the door to understanding men and helping women fix their relationships.

As far as the intimacy issues go, you may have a lack of desire simply because you just had a baby. That happens to a lot of women. It is up to you to push yourself to overcome that hurdle. I have 4 children and was that way after the birth of each of them. I am just starting to get my hormones back and my baby is 2. But if you make an effort to be close intimately with your husband, it can actually improve your relationship.

The bottom line is to decide what you want. Do you want to continue holding onto your dislikes and hold a grudge against your husband that you made two beautiful children with, or are you willing to see past his shortcomings and give your full self to the relationship? The answer to that question will ultimately determine whether or not your marriage can last. It is up to you to make the changes first if you want to keep your family together, so please take a serious look at yourself and your children. I have seen too many families torn apart becasue of petty differences and stubborn parents.

I hope you don't take offense to anything I said, because I say this only to try to help. Your family is worth the effort to try and change. If you need to talk, I have been there and would be happy to lend you an ear. My email is ____@____.com Good luck with everything! I truly wish you the best.

someone once told me while I was engaged the secret to always feeling as though your marriage is fullfilling is to always give 105%, be selfless, and want to constantly be better for your spouse. If you are giving 105% you can never feel as though something is lacking. There's also an lds book written about intimacy in marriage I've read if you're interested email me: ____@____.com

I'll be frank with you. You both sound like you are being very selfish. You both want the other to change, but make no changes in yourselves. You say you both want it to be better, but are both unwilling to make those changes. That is absurd. If you really wanted your marriage to be better you would at least be willing to try, every day, to make yourself better in order for your marriage to last. Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I come from a very broken home and it caused ruination in the lives of my siblings as well as myself. The destruction of my parents marriage was due to their individual selfishness. Neither one was willing to change. They just wanted it to be better without putting the effort into it.

It is true that there are times you need to stop being mommy and start being a wife to your husband. There is not set time of the day for this role. It comes and goes at different times of the day.

I have also had four children and the hormonal drop is absolutely normal. My husband and I talked about it and I explained to him, each time, that it's not because I don't want to, I just have an imbalance of hormones from having a baby. It will get better over time. Keep the physical closeness, though. You need that in a marriage.

I would also recommend that you try doing little things for him, not just nice things. Start leaving him notes around the house in places that he will be able to find them. Let him know with those how much you appreciate what he does for you and how much he means to you. Fix his favorite meals on occasion and let him know you did it because you love him and want him to know that. You need to tell each other verbally that you care, as often as you can. Stand at the door as he goes to work and be ready to hug and kiss him as soon as he gets home. Use these and other little ways of showing him how much you care. You can't make him change, but if you start changing, and making sure he can see how much you care, then he will start to change as well. I have seen this work in my own marriage. Remember, the only one you can change is you.

There comes a point in a marriage when the infatuation blindness wears off. That is the point at which you need to start working on keeping your marriage together. You can still be absolutely head-over-heels in love with your husband and at the same time be willing to overlook his shortcomings. It is a choice you have to make, though. If you don't choose to make your marriage better think of the consequences your beautiful children will have to face for the rest of their lives. It is up to the two of you, individually, to choose your marriage and family over selfishness.

Someone once told me that marriage is not a 50/50 deal, it is a 100/100 deal. You have to be willing to give 100% of your self while expecting nothing. If you truely expect nothing you will not be disapointed. Make a list of the things that you fell in love with in the first place, focus on those and give your unconditional love to your husband, even when you don't feel like it and he will reciprocate. You don't have to fawn all over him and act all silly but treat him like a man not just a dad, and remind him that you are a strong, vibrant, woman in your own right, not only a mom. I am a SAHM to 3 but sometimes you need to be a wife not a mom.
Good luck