I Owe You/You Owe Me

I don't expect more than a thank you. The reason I help people is because I WANT to. Not because I expect something from it. One of the things I am kind of good at is connecting people with other people, and in my circles, it's generally known. I also know that if I needed help at some point, these same people would help me. But that's not why I help them.

Wow, I don't think I would ever expect any "thing" other than a heartfelt thank you. Isn't the satisfaction of helping someone out and receiving their genuine appreciation enough?
And I HAVE had loved ones say "if it wasn't for you I don't know where I'd be, what I'd do" etc. I don't respond other than saying I'm so glad I could be there, and it makes me feel good.
I am being completely honest.

A verbal thank you should be enough for many things. But if something is really special, and as you say "a great favor", then a truly heartfelt, handwritten note (not an email or text) is something the person can treasure and re-read, knowing you took the time to do it.

If the person keeps reminding you of what she did, then it wasn't a favor. It was a downpayment for something else, a debt she intended to collect. I think the first time someone reminds you, you can say, "Yes, you are right, and I will always be grateful." The second time you can say, "Yes, as I said when you brought it up the last time, you are right." The third time, you can just sit there and smile and not respond. Silence is the hardest for people like that. If she persists, you can ask gently, "Is there something else you would like from me in the way of repayment?" Then pause. Do not fill in with something like, "You keep going on and on about this." Let the silence put her in the driver's seat and in the position of expressing what it is that she wants and why your thank you gesture(s) were insufficient. If the answer is not satisfactory, then this person is not your friend OR has extreme issues with insecurity. You either keep your distance or you confront her.

Hmmm...really good question. I guess I wouldn't expect to be repaid with more than a sincere thank you, but I'd certainly enjoy being thanked with some extra gesture - a gift basket, a gift card to a favorite store, flowers, etc. are always nice surprises.

If someone did something above and beyond and life-changing for me, I would try to express my gratitude first and foremost in words - via a sincere letter - and then throw in a gesture like a gift for the person, a gift certificate so that she or he could do something with his or her kids/family (dinner at a favorite restaurant, passes to a sporting event, etc.).

Personal experience? My parents provided free childcare to me when my oldest son was born and I was a single parent, and they welcomed us into their home. Because of their help, I never had to use transitional assistance or food stamps or anything like that and was able to take a job that turned into a great career. They then also watched my younger kids 3 days a week until they were in school. It's well over $100K in childcare that I would never be able to repay them for. Over the years, I've tried to show my gratitude in several ways - first, by being there - cheerfully - whenever needed, by thanking them publicly when toasting them at family events, and by giving them little surprise gifts like restaurant or movie gift cards.

I was a gestational carrier surrogate and although I was compensated, the couple I carried for was very generous above and beyond - a generous gift card to my favorite store for my birthday, hockey tickets for my husband and kids, a gift basket of treats for the family for the holidays, gift cards to restaurants, etc. Those were all nice surprises but not expected.

For your second question...luckily no one has done that for me (and I haven't done that to anyone else) but if someone who had helped me then felt the need to remind me of that after I thanked them, it would bug me but I would try to take the high road and cheerfully say something like "yes, and I sincerely appreciate that. How 'bout them Red Sox?"

When I do something for someone, I do it because I can. A heartfelt thank you is enough for me. I don't want that person to feel obligated to me, or like they need to repay my kindness. Instead, I would rather they pay it forward to someone else.

If someone is going to hang over my head that they did XYZ for me, and that I owe them, after I feel like the debt is repaid,then I distance myself from them, and let them fade out of my life. That's not the kind of person I want in my life anyway.

Well if someone does something amazing for me I want to do something back.

BUT let's say I do something amazing for someone else then yes I will take a thank you and nothing more.

Honestly I wouldn't know how to respond to that last part. That last part seems bitchy. I don't know of anyone in my life who would say something like that...and no one ever has. People just go full circle in my life.

If I have done an overwhelming act of kindness, then I usually am aware that it is just that. And not done with any expectation of repayment of any kind, except for a sincere thank you. What I think is most disappointing to anyone who does such acts, however, is not a lack of sincere thanks, but rather the recipient wasting whatever kindness was extended. For example: (not necessarily grandiose acts, but mere examples of what I am referring to).. if you provided a gift card to the grocery store for a family hurting financially that can't afford to feed their kids, and you find out they used it to buy beer. Or setting up a job interview for someone who either shows up late and disheveled and disorganized, or fails to show at all.
That sort of thing.

If someone "reminds" me that if it wasn't for them, I would ____... then I stop being grateful. Because at that point, their gesture is not about helping or being kind, but about themselves and their pride. Would I SAY anything? Probably not. But I would distance myself from them, most likely.
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But the last scenario has never happened to me. And I can't imagine anyone in my life saying such a thing. So honestly, it is just conjecture about what I would feel or do. Seems pretty low to me, to hold 'help' over someone's head like that.

I'm guessing that you are viewing #2 as following lack of thanks from #1? I would never do #2 because someone didn't throw me a party for an act of kindness towards them. #1 happens because of a sincere desire to help. If that help is squandered, I wouldn't hold it over their head, but neither would I continue to throw kindness into a furnace to be wasted.

I don't keep scorecards and do not have an interest in associating with those that do.

When I do something for someone it is because I want to do it and can do it. A simple thank you is enough. I do not expect them to turn around and do something of equal value for me.

It is simply my wish that somebody (anybody) will give me a hand when I need help, and it doesn't have to be the person I helped in the past. More of a pay it forward situation.

I don't think anyone has ever "reminded" me if a favor. And I don't do that.

If someone found me a house or a job? Is send something. That's how I was raised. Sometimes a verbal thank you is not enough for me to give.

When I do something for someone, I probably expect a "thank you" verbal or written.

Rhonda:

When I do things for others? I do NOT expect ANYTHING but a thank you in return.

I am not going to keep track of what they did for me vs what I do for them. It doesn't work out that way, at least not in my world.

I do things for others because I can, because I want to, because it's the right thing to do. NEVER for "ooohh...they will sooo owe me for this one"...do I have a few friends that we banter back and forth about "you owe me" - but that's ALL it is - banter.

If you want to say a special thank you? Take them to dinner. Send them flowers. Send a thank you note.

if and when someone says "if not for your.." I say - thank you. God made sure to put us together at that point in time to be able to do that for you.

Is someone keeping score? Or waiting to "pay it back"? If so - ask them to pay it forward - help someone else - and not worry about you.

Good luck!

I appreciate when people say "thank you" and I expect that. Anything more, then it cancels out what I did for them. I don't do things to get something in return - and if I do, it's a conversation had before hand.

I make a point of at least a verbal thanks when someone does me a favor, and anything beyond that depends on the situation.

If I do a favor, I do not expect anything in return, not even a verbal thanks. I don't do favors I don't want to do, nor do I do them to create an obligation to me on the part of another person.

As for the "If not for me" BS, that's just ego on the other person's part, and I have no time for that. If you did me a favor in order to make me "owe you one," then I would have preferred that you hadn't done it at all.

Thanks is plenty. I'm uncomfortable with gushyness.

Most people don't remind me that if weren't for them...etc..but that would bug me.

Usually we don't express our thanks enough.

If someone connected me with a good job, I would not only say thank you; I would also write the person a note (anybody remember note-writing?) that he/she could keep in order to express my gratitude. A person who saved my child from drowning would get my thanks, in speech and in writing, and on top of that I would tell the world about it!

If that person came to me later and said, "I wonder if you could do me a favor now..." I would listen. If it was something I could do, I would do it. If I couldn't, I'd suggest something I could do. This isn't actually gratitude - it's generosity.

If that person said, "Remember, if it weren't for me..." then my attitude would cool a bit. Was this initial kindness an act of kindness or some sort of business arrangement? Do we have a contract now? Do we now have a little score-keeping, perhaps? Some folks are like that, and I figure it's good to know if they are. I might reclassify the relationship as a business one, do what I could, and keep the friendship at a distance for a while.

(However, I'd be careful. The things that come out of people's mouths aren't necessarily the things that are in their hearts. They may not want to be pushy but have an unfortunate way of saying things.)

I don't know, I don't usually do favors expecting a reward. Sometimes I have friends who try to pay me for babysitting, I end up trying to find a way to stick the money back in their purse when they're distracted.

I guess when I had a staffing agency find me a job, I sent them cookies the day I was officially hired.

But for me, personally, a thank you or a hug is good enough.

There are a lot of personality types out there. Some are givers, they give and give and give but seriously never expect anything in return. Then there are those who are an equitable style. They give and give and give and when they have a need they expect the people they've been generous with to be jumping at the chance to do something for them, equal partners in the friendship. And they keep track of when you don't come through. Like if they call and need a ride somewhere and you say you're too busy, or they need someone to bring a meal over because they're sick, etc....they call on those who've they've gone out of their way to help and expect them to be like that when they're called on.

I suggest that you are not being helpful when you expect something in return. Stop going above and beyond until you can do so without resentment. When you give and expect something in return you are not giving a gift nor are you being helpful. I want nothing from someone who is upset when I don't reciprocate. When you expect certain things you are intruding in their life. You are telling them how to behave. No one likes that.