Received Expensive Birthday Gift for My Son from Our Neighbor/his Best Friend

It's like a compliment - you accept it graciously, and let them know how thankful you are for their generous and wonderful gift.

If you get a minute, research the term "white elephant." Sometimes a gift needs to just be a gift and not an obligation. :D

Expensive gifts from them DO NOT necessitate an expensive gift in return. Gifts are not an equal exchange, if they were, we could all just keep the money and just give each other cards. Do you know the intimate details of their finances? If you know, for sure, that they are struggling you might want to return the gift. Otherwise, money is a funny thing. $60 for me and $20 for my sister have about the same value to each of us. My mom has a rather wealthy friend who really enjoys "sharing the wealth". A $100-200 present for her doesn't seem expensive. I have friends now that birthday gifts can't be more than $10 -- so your $20 present might seem out of place to them. Even though the money is all worth the same, it gets perceived differently depending on how much you have to start with. Enjoy the gift and stick with your budget when you give him a birthday present.

Perhaps your friends saw that your son enjoyed playing with that particular toy at their house and in the spirit of loving generosity thought that would be the perfect gift. If you had a maximum dollar amount in mind in the future you might consider including that information on the birthday party invitations next year or simply stating that gifts are not necessary. I know it may seem tacky but some parents just don't know otherwise and if they really care for your son, aa this family seems to very much, then they may feel it's completely okay to purchase expensive gifts for every special occasion. I would simply thank them for their generosity and perhaps do something nice in return, invite them to a BBQ or take them a small baked treat as a token of your appreciation to let them know they'd done something very nice but unexpected. They know they didn't need to spend quite so much money...the point is that they obvously wanted to let them enjoy the pleasure it brings your son.

I really don't think any good can come from returning the gift to the neighbor. It is their money and their discretion to spend whatever they want. While I understand your discomfort, I think you need to learn to be comfortable receiving what someone wants to give you. It would be ungracious to make a big deal of the price of the gift and may cause unnecessary hard feelings. The neighbor was probably trying to do a nice thing and they will feel a bit shamed if you bring it to their attention that they have been inappropriate. At the same time, receiving an expensive gift from them in NO WAY obligates you to reciprocate with expensive gifts. And I would be very surprised if your neighbors expect you to. And if they do, they are unreasonable and you don't need to be held hostage to other people's unreasonable expectations. When the friend's birthday rolls around, you just get a normal $20 gift and feel good about it.

sometimes the best gift just costs more. I wouldn't say anything to your neighbor. having your son write a thank you note is awesome! I don't know that I would put it's more than expected either. talk to your son about how cool it is they got it for him and that gifts like that are rare. have him write the note however he wants to. don't take his birthday present from him I think then the message you give him is you are not worth this. as for future gifts? just give what you would. gifts should come from the heart. I think we need to accept them graciously and go forward not thinking we have to reciprocate in like form. reciprocate from the heart, within your budget, any good friend will love that. My best friend was married and established long before I was, and they have always gotten gifts that were more expensive than what we could afford. What did she expect? that look of awe and excitement and her opportunity to say I love you. They have kids now (they adopted) and the gifts have kind of switched. We have a little more to go around--and what do we expect? that smile that thank you and the opportunity to tell them we love them.
expectation? zero. just love.

If they're willing to spend that much on your child, wow & thanks! If you can't afford to spend that much on their child's gift, oh well. Maybe one of them got a bonus from work & had extra money, or maybe that's just how they do birthdays. Accept it gracefully & invite their child over to play with it too.
I usually don't spend more than $10 on friend gifts & $20 on family gifts, but that's because I have 4 kids with friends. If I had one kid, I'm sure I could spend more.
Because they set the bar high, doesn't mean you need to jump it too!
We have family who buys extravagent gifts for us. The best we can do most of the time is homemade creative gifts. It's the thought, not the cost, that matters. Just be creative when you buy their son gifts-if he has a lot of expensive no-brain-required toys, get him a Rubbermaid tub & fill it w/tons of craft things-googly eyes, glue, feathers, pompons, etc.
At Christmas, do the same thing. Or involve other neighbors. A couple of us were going to buy gifts for each other's kids & as the holiday rolled closer we realized we couldn't afford to. Instead, we invited all of the kids close to one house & all of the moms sent something w/their kids-we had crafts to do & cookies to decorate. Moms sent sprinkles, glue, cups, frosting. If you're afraid she's going to go big, involve the neighbors & do a party for Christmas-no gifts please, we'll let them all decorate their own.
For birthdays, do what you can afford.
But let your son keep his new toy!

Hi,
I think sometimes we worry way to much. If your friend had not have given you the receipt then you would have never known how much they spent on your son. We have friends that have way more money than we do, and we have friends that are equal with what we make. Let your friend buy what they want to buy for your child and not worry about it. They know that you cannot afford to do anything extravagant.
However, here is my tip: I always check out the clearance items at the store i.e. walmart. I can usually get something really cool that normally cost 60-80 dollars for 5-15 dollars. Last year I was blessed with being able to buy really expensive toys for 3-5 dollars a piece...walked in to Walmart and they were rolling carts out filled with really expensive toys for those prices. Anyway, that way you can feel more comfortable with the presents you give knowing that they cost a lot but you didn't have to worry about spending so much.
If you don't want to jeopardize your friendship then just let it go and be thankful your friend cares so much about your son.

It's sad that we feel like we need to match spending on gifts, that if we accept a gift worth more it obliges us to spend more, and visa versa. And I'm not targeting you, it's a common attitude nowadays (down to, for family gift exchanges, the 'spending limit' has become the 'how much to spend'). It really sounds like they wanted to give your son something he would enjoy, and the boys ARE best friends. Help your son write a nice thank you note, let him enjoy the gift (especially when his friend is over!), and don't worry so much about "keeping up with the Jonses"

First of all--you never have to reciprocate with other parents. Playdates, parties, presents. Whatever kind or expensive thing they do, just enjoy it. The nice things that you do will be different, but great. Normal people don't keep score on this stuff--it would drive them nuts.

Second, Dr. Laura has commented on this, and has said to be gracious and accept the gift. I think that sounds good, otherwise, you will have an uncomfortable conversation which puts a wedge between the two families. Please keep purchasing $20 gifts. Actually, I go to the Borders Outlet and buy incredible "coffee table" books for $3.99 (space ships, animals of the world, the human body, etc.). The kids' eyes pop open when they open these gifts--they love them.

Don't you dare play into that game. If they want to spend $60 then more power to them. If it was a truly heartfelt gesture then they will be totally fine with whatever you give to their child in return. You spend what you can afford! If they have a problem with it then the gift was a statement not the joy of giving.

You can also look at it as you can set the standard of $20. I wouldn't even mention a thing. You take the gift, say thank you and never think about it again.

I am a person who spends too much money on gifts for people. From this perspective let me tell you my "expectation". NONE. Well, there is one - I hope that the person receiving the gift enjoys it and reciprocates with friendship, and enjoys the gift. I hate to spend the money and see that the person doesn't appreciate it. This doesn't mean you have to love it like no other - it means that I enjoy hearing what happened with it - for example, in this case, I would LOVE to receive a nice thank you note (teaches your child good manners too) and then maybe hear a week or a month later if your child enjoys the gift OR NOT. It isn't that the child has to love it, but I spend a lot of energy thinking up the perfect gift and I just like to know if it was a "good one" or not. (That may be why they gave you the receipt - if you don't want that gift, then you should have something you love)
So, keep the gift, enjoy it, thank them for it, and think NOTHING of the money that was spent. That is their choice. Clearly they are comfortable with it, and it doesn't obligate you in any way to do anything in the future. If it does, in their mind, then who wants to be friends with someone like that anyway?
To keep myself "normal" with gift buying I try to buy things at TJMAXX... but it just doesn't always work. Right now I am so attached to these organic blankets I found. They are $100 each, but I feel so strongly that everyone I know that has a baby should have one, that I find myself buying them for gifts. I just so love them, and want everyone to have something so soft and beautiful, that's all.
I hope this helps. Please don't be insecure with the motivation behind things - just take it and enjoy it. Be confident with yourself - the world is balanced.

It's great that your neighbor/friend was able to spend that much on your son. I think that my jaw probably would hit the floor if I saw my son receive an expensive gift like that. I think that my response would be to thank them for such a generous gift but also let them know that they really did not need to spend so much. Give them an opportunity to respond and maybe they will give you a reason for why they decided on that gift. I would reassure them that they really don't need to spend so much and that a $20 gift would suffice. Somehow I would also try to throw out the hint that I would not be able to afford as much on their son when it comes time for his birthday or Christmas.
I hope that all the responses that you have receive have help you out in this matter. Take Care. A.

Just be gracious and accept the gift.

I'm not sure where the idea that you're establishing expectations comes from, but that's entirely ridiculous. (I'm sorry that sounds harsh) Is that what you do when YOU give gifts? Are your gifts to others a message that in the future they had better give you a gift of the same value or better if they want your friendship?? I certainly hope not!!

Honestly, I think you're being silly. (Again, I'm sorry that sounds harsh)

You're neighbors are perfectly capable and have the responsibility AND the obligation to take care of their own finances. What they spend is their business, not ours.

Simply write them a Thank you card expressing your gratitude for the wonderful gift and appreciate the extra thoughfulness in the type of item it is. You may choose to mention it being far and above expectation and necessity, but you really don't need to unless it will make you feel better.

My guess is that there isn't anything nefarious about the gift, so just smile and feel blessed to have good neighbors who are so kind.

Hugs

I've been in both positions and I know it can be awkward, but it doesn't need to be.
As the recipient, your job is to be gracious and send a sincere thank you note. I have felt small as the recipient of extra-nice gifts, but I realize that's my choice. . . my only job (says my mom, who is impeccably gracious and polite) is to say thank you.
I gave a large and unexpected gift awhile back, and the recipients (with whom my whole family is very close) said they were surprised and could never return such a gift. I said what several other people have already said: the gift was meant as a gesture of how much I treasure their friendship since I knew it was something they'd really like, and was not intended to create any feelings of obligation whatsoever. My family just loves their family and was in the position to give them "just the thing" and so we did. I still feel happy I gave that gift, and my friends have said a couple of times since how much they've enjoyed it.
Please just savor the good feelings that are surely meant to be part of the gift. It's not a contest.
Consistent, true friendship is a gift in itself that you are clearly giving to your neighbors. They might also have justified a splurge knowing their child is likely to enjoy it with your child.
Best wishes!

Hi J.,
I agree with your husband that it would be rude to return the gift to your neighbors. Imagine if you had gone to the trouble to select a thoughtful gift for a friend's child and it was returned to you with the explination that it was too nice.
Please don't fall into this trap, how much the gift cost is irrelevant, giving gifts is supposed to be about bringing joy to someone else on a special occasion, not a contest to see who spent the most.
When it is time to give a gift to this child, choose something within your budget that you think will please him and give it graciously. Teach your kids that giving gifts should be done with love and not in an attempt to get something in return.

I understand your discomfort with a friend spending that much money on a gift for your child. I went through that when my own were small. Sometimes others would spend far more than I could afford to spend on my own child and I really hated it when that happened. But the main rule of gift-giving is that the gift is 100 percent at the discretion of the giver. Expensive gift, inexpensive gift, no gift at all, it's the choice and the judgement of the giver. Just do not assume that you are under any obligation to spend that much on the giver when it's time to buy them a gift. No such obligation exists. I agree with your husband that it would be rude to return the gift based on it's value. Just as rude as returning a gift if you thought they didn't spend enough. (I know you'd never do that, but I've seen people do it, and when I know they will do THAT, I take them completely off my gift-list.) I did, years ago, have a talk with my best friend, who had no children and bought very pricey gifts for my kids. I told her honestly that I hate it when she spends more on my kids' Christmas than I can spend because I don't want them thinking the "good gifts" don't come from Mom and Dad. Is your relationship with your friend such that you could have a similar little heart-to-heart with her?

The thank you note is a great idea. It would be harder since your son had already opened it from the gift wrap, to return it. I also do not think they expect as big of gift in return, just something that you know he will enjoy, to show you put thought into it.

I would also talk to the other mom in person and let her know that in the future that smaller gifts would be appreciated. You can let her know the budget is tight. Every one should understand that.

Thanks
S.
mother to Kai
www.HomeWithKai.com

I would accept the gift and have your son write a really nice thank you note. If I were to buy a expensive gift for a friends child I would never expect them to spend the same when my childs birthday comes around. You get gifts because you want to not because you expect the same in return. It would be rude to return it to them and I could see where someone could be offended. Good luck!

Hi J. - I think you've received a lot of great input. It was indeed very generous of your friends to get him such a great gift. I encourage you to have a lot of fun with it, let them know how much you are enjoying it and invite their son to come and play with it often. It doesnt set a precedent at all for future gifts, in fact it can teach our kids that sometimes life brings us really special things that only come around once in a while and that we should enjoy them when they do.

Hi J.,
I have been there! I agree that the gift may be a little over board. However, I have also come to the realization that accepting gifts graciously is very important. I would tread lightly when it comes to saying something in response. I would suggest that you don't want them to take the gift back or replace it. They picked that gift and they feel good about that gift and you need to accept that. Having said that, I also think it would be appropriate to say something about it, either face to face or in a nice written thank-you card. You can express simply that you thank them very much for the very generous gift and that your son enjoys it very much. That they definately went above and beyond in picking out that gift. Whatever you choose to say, the point would be to get the idea across that you see the gift as too much, but said in a kind and gracious way. Then just continue to buy what you would normally buy for their children and don't feel obligated to do anything else. Perhaps at Christmas time you could suggest that since the kids get so much from family, that you exchange small $5-$10 gifts between the kids and just have a fun get together instead of expensive gifts.
Take care,
B.

I agree with Becki. We've been in the same position, and a thank you card that simply says thank you and it was much more than you expected is always well received. We've had two responses. Large gifts continue in spite of our not returning the favor or smaller gifts are given in the future. Either way, we have been able to continue the friendships. Enjoy!