I Need These Feelings to Go Away.

While I don't know the logistics here, I can tell you that my ex was a monster! He cheated, lied, abused drugs, physically abusive and neglectful to myself and our child. He was completely unreliable in ALL aspects of parenting once we split, was thousands of dollars behind on child support, would "tweak" his witholdings when he did work so I wouldn't get his tax return and disappointed our daughter more times that I can count, among other things. When I heard that he was getting married, I was a little sad.

When he passed away I cried like a baby. Looking back, I realized that he will always have a piece of my heart because we share something; our daughter. He and I created something that was, and still is incredibly important! Did I love him at one time? yes. Do I love what we created? yes. Am I "in love" with him. NO!

I think that being in love with someone and loving someone because of something that you share (child/children) can be confused as one and the same. But, its not. It's time to let go and enjoy what you have.

My guess would be self-sabotage...you are deserving of this life you have now, you are deserving of a good man who treats you right. Don't sugar coat the past, yes you have children with this man and you loved him at one time but don't remember him to be something he is not.

Also, he is about to remarry...officially leaving the life you had together behind. I'm sure you have a load of emotions running through you and lots of what if's and did I do the right things? If you are in a loving, healthy, stable relationship with a man who adores then you need to trust you are in the right place.

This is very normal and a very similar phenomenon occurs with respect to our recollections of a person after they pass away. With time, we forget the "bad stuff" and tend to recall the positive attributes, feelings and memories we have with the person. We also tend to romanticize their role in life.

Bottom line, this is coming up now b/c he's getting married again and you are probably being reminded of how he was when you were first married. The feelings will likely go away once he is settled and you aren't focused on his pending nuptials.

Not sure why you can't be completely happy with your new husband, but this is likely a temporary "what could have been..." feeling that is being brought to the surface by his wedding. Focus on your husband and what he brings to you life.

Hi,

I think these thoughts are going through your mind because he's getting married. In the back of your mind you're probably thinking that he's good enough for someone else, he's been cordial with you when you deal with him, maybe he could be good enough for you.

FORGET IT!

Relish your new marriage!!! : ) You are with a man that you are happy with!! He's good to you!! : )

I dated a guy once who was pushy. I didn't like it and dumped him. Then I had second thoughts. I found out he found a new girlfriend very soon after. He was all excited because she was well-endowed (I'm not). I realized what a loser he was. I was very happy to not be with him anymore. I could still be friendly to him. I don't cross paths anymore. Not a problem.

You have feelings for him because you had a marital relationship with him. He is still a part of your life. I think it is natural to have these thoughts. But now the relationship is different. Switch the romantic feelings to feelings of care for another human being. Rejoice that you are not married to him. He hit you - that's not a loving gesture. He cussed at you - those aren't loving words. He made your life miserable - that's not love. Good luck to his new wife. Hope her life won't be so miserable.

Hooray for your new husband!!! He's very good to you - he loves you. He's good to your children - that's love. You're happy - that's love!!! : )

Go have a date night! : )

: ) M. D.

J.....

It's ok......as long as they are thoughts.....and not action.......you are looking back on things with rose colored glasses on....that's normal especially since your X is getting married.........most people go through this when the X is getting married.......I don't know why, I guess it's human nature.....you think that he is now past you.... moved on....while he isn't married I think there is a secret hope that they miss you, think they were wrong, and they should have done more to keep the marriage you had together..........

Every time you start to think about that awful marriage in a different light, do two things, one think about the time he treated you the worse and number two think about something great your husband now does for you and your kids.........

Another thing is to take some time and either write out (then burn) everything about your old marriage that you loved and that you hated.....the good and the bad.......burn it so that your husband nor your children ever find it to read it.....this is for you and you only.........it will help balance out your marriage to your X and see what you really had was nothing much at all......do some soul searching, and put that life in the past......and then write down all the great things you have with your current husband and all the great things he does.......

Hang in there and good luck......

.

There is a line and scene from the movie Moonstruck where Cher's character smacks the face of Nicolas Cage's character and tells him to "SNAP OUT OF IT".

Part of the problem with our memory as human being is sometimes we truly do forget the hell we have been through. For the sake of your current marriage, stop looking back with fond memories and start considering the reality of what your former marriage was. It is wonderful that the two of you get along but you said it was only for the sake of the children. Not for your personal growth or development.

Start counting the blessings you have with your new husband. Perhaps some date nights and other things to respark the romance with your new love.

Wish your ex well and get on with your beautiful current and future life with your husband and the children. Also know if your ex hasn't changed his character it won't be so long before the same awful man he was with you comes out with his new bride/wife but you must leave the past behind to nurture your future. How would you feel if your current husband was struggling with romantic feeling for another woman? So SNAP OUT OF IT.

Hi J., Desiring a destructive relationship over a positive one can be a sign of low self esteem, lack of respect for yourself. A woman can seek out an abusive relationship to acheive validation that she is not worth a good man.

If therapy is not an option for you, why not look for some self help books on the subject of self-destruction?

Or......
Another school of thought is, sometimes we're just hot for the wrong guy!!
Chemistry and such.

At any rate, 'thoughts' and 'feelings' are not something we can effectively control. Actions and behaviors we have complete control over. No sense feeling guilty for a 'thought' that runs through your head, if you behave in a manner that suggests you know better!

And to add to what Theresa said, we always want what we can't have. Your ex will soon be very unavailable to you and that makes him desirable.

Instead of spending this energy thinking about your ex, why don't you channel it into your relationship with your husband? Do you need a date night? Maybe buy something sexy to wear and surprise him. Spice up your life or routine a bit.

Or do something that makes you feel good. Get a mani/pedi, exercise or sign up for a 5k race, become a volunteer. I'm sure there is a local animal shelter that could use your help. Maybe being around abused animals will remind you how your ex treated you. How you did NOT deserve that and will help you move on as you help the animals heal and get adopted. You can help the animals have better lives and help yourself as well.

Good luck!

There is always "that feeling" after you've had kids with someone. The relationship was bad so logically you know it was the right thing for you to move on.
When you find yourself starting to dwell on the past just stop and tell yourself not to go there and remind yourself of your new life.
You are probably feeling a little jealous that he finally found someone to take your place and that is normal, just don't act on it. Your new husband does not deserve to have half a wife, get a grip and be thankful that you have recovered from your first mistake.
The new gal he's marrying will hopefully be good for him, and it will be nice for your kids to see their dad in a happy relationship just like they see Mom in hers.
Wanting to return to a toxic relationship makes no sense does it?

you need to get some help for yourself to figure out why you still harbor feelings of love for a man that has abused you. Something is going on with you for you not see how unhealthy this is. It is normal to miss someone or still have some old feelings even, but it is not healthy for you or your children for you to consider returning to a man that was your abuser. Please go and talk to a therapist and get to the bottom of your feelings. You need to work on self-esteem and self-worth. You are better than what this guy has put you through and you should be proud you got out of a bad situation. If you don't get some help as to why you attracted to a person that would hurt you, it might not be your ex-husband, but eventually you will be attracted to other "bad boys" Maintain as little contact with your ex for the kids sake until they are old enough to keep their own relationship with him and then cut ties. I really hope you seek some professional help and learn to think more of yourself and see what you really deserve in life.

I think (maybe) your upcoming wedding is bringing up feelings and thoughts you had prior to your first wedding. Weddings tend to be a sentimental time in your life. They are full of mixed emotions and lots of memories. Sometimes acknowledging how you feel "as is" and letting go of it takes some of the power out of the feelings.

Considering you and your ex had been married for 15 years (that's quite a while!) I don't think it's uncommon for you to miss him from time to time, even if you are remarried and love your husband now. I think these feelings may be popping up more so now because you mentioned he was getting remarried in 6 months. It's always painful to see someone move on that you really cared about. But look at it this way - if you're happy with your hubby now, and it's much better than your previous relationship (you said he put you through hell!) then let it be. If you two are on good terms and you can be friends, I think it's best for both of you to leave it at that. I think you'll be fine!

Why in the world do you miss your verbally and physically abusive ex husband? Are you saying you miss being abused? That is what it sounds like. I cannot imagine anyone missing an ex who has hit them and cussed them out, and with whom they fought a lot. Do you know how lucky you are to have remarried a wonderful man? Extremely lucky!!! Focus on your new husband, remain civil to your ex for your childrens' sake, and never wonder how it would be if you got back together with your ex. However, let me enlighten you for a moment - if you and your ex got back together, it would be EXACTLY the same as it used to be. He would continue to hit you and cuss you out. He will NOT change, and you better believe he will treat his new wife the same way, and then watch how quickly she files for divorce. I give their marriage 1 year. Don't ever take your new marriage for granted. Cherish your new husband and don't ever look back! Congrats on almost one year!

I think we all reflect on the past way too much. Of course you loved your ex but that doesnt excuse the bad behavior that went on. Its ok to miss him but not to act upon it. You cant dwell on the what ifs, you need to mourn the loss of that relationship and push it out fo your life. You have a decent marriage and saftey for you and your children. Dont get sucked into the past, leave where it is and keep moving forward.

I think you need some counseling. I'm not saying that to be harsh but you do seem to be stuck in this cycle of "the grass is greener" based on your previous posts...

Since you have children with your ex you will always have some kind of bond. Chances are you will always retain a little love in your heart for him. It's not uncommon but most women don't like to admit it.

As humans I think it's always natural to play the 'what if' game with ourselves. Just don't dwell on it. Write it down in a journal if need be and get back to living today.