I Need Advice - Dayton,OH

it sounds like you don't want help, but pity.

You don't want a divorce? Why? You think you deserve to be treated like this? His mother allows it? I would guess that she's either afraid of him or blind to his treatment of you or he learned it from his dad and it's normal in their world. It's NOT normal.

If you don't want a divorce, what do you want? This is not going to magically change. You need to start recording and documenting his behavior. If he hits you? You need to call the police and press charges. If you live in a country where beating women is acceptable? you need leave and seek refuge in another country.

You are married to my ex husband. It was awful and when it got to be that I couldn't take one more second of it, I kicked him out (it was my house).

My advice is to get a plan in place. Make sure you have a place to go with the kids, get copies of all bank statements and legal documents, including life insurance policies and 401k, etc. This way if he wipes out accounts, you have proof of the last balances in there. Also set up your own bank account and put your paychecks in it.

THEN, once this is done, have a talk with him. Tell him you are putting your own income in your own account and you want to come to an agreement. Have the things written down of what you want him to do/not do. See if he will agree. If he does agree, then give it 30 days to see if he's serious. If he doesn't agree, or nothing changes in the 30 days, then you are all ready to move out. You get your clothes and basic things and put in place Plan B.

You don't want you kid to be raised in a home with a dad who treats his wife like that. YOU do not want to be married to a man who acts like that. I moved in with my mom at age 40 with my 2 kids and immediately filed for divorce. I did not plan on marrying again but shortly after my divorce I met my now husband through businesses that we owned. My life is a million times better than it was with my ex. And my kids also. So just make sure YOU make every attempt possible to save your marriage. If it's not important for him to do the same then at least you can sleep easy knowing you did everything you could. Good luck.

Your husband is abusive. His actions are abusive. His words are abusive. You are being abused.

You need to worry about yourself and your child. Being raised in that home will make your son think that's the way to treat women. Let's start with setting up your own bank account and having your money deposited there directly so there's no money for him to have other than his. Next find a place and move out with your child. Let your husband figure out what he needs to do on his own but DON'T CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THAT HOUSE WITH THOSE RULES.

Once you move out he'll tell you that he's changed. Things will be better if you move back. He'll be better. Don't fall for it. Your husband is a weak man who's only power is picking on his wife. He needs therapy to figure out why he does this and how to be a better person. He isn't able to do it on his own because its not easy to see your own shortcomings.

I'm going to venture a guess that he learned this behavior from his father who probably was abusive to his wife. That's why his mother comes over and tries to set rules in your house; she has some control over things because she has ZERO at her own house. As far as mutual. friends you can just say that your husband only shows them what he wants them to see. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

He is trying to scare you with threats, and it is working. But please know they are empty threats. You can leave him. You can do this. He might try to make your life a living hell, but there are many ways you can protect yourself.

It might be a good idea for you to right now see a counselor and get some emotional support. You need someone to talk to, and you really need someone who can help you understand your rights and work out a plan for your future. This will help you see that you will have control of your future, not him.

For now, I think I would open a new checking account (that does not have his name on it) and begin putting your pay checks into that account. You need to have control of the money you make. You need to make sure that you can support yourself and your son.

Talk to a counselor, and talk to a lawyer. You need information. You need to see that there is a way out.

You do not have to live like this.

His behavior is *not* your fault.
You have done nothing to deserve this treatment.

I am glad that you reached out for help. That was the right thing to do.

Please, please read carefully what Diane B. wrote and follow her recommendations.

Be brave, be smart, be safe and take care of yourself.
You don't deserve this.

welcome to mamapedia!!

why did you marry him?
was he always like this?
will he consider marriage counseling?
do you feel you deserve better?
Can you picture your life without him?

If you can picture your life without him? You've already said you are done with the marriage. You need to have an exit plan, can you afford to live on your own and take care of your child? How will you provide for the two of you?

Get a plan in place.

The next time he threatens you? Call the police. File charges. Don't back down.

Good luck!

Call 1-800-799-7233 or go to http://www.thehotline.org/
If you are not in the US (which your post implies), then please look for women's support groups where you are.

He's abusive. It's a big step for you to share this.

It's not your fault. Trying to figure out what went wrong - this is his problem and unfortunately it has become your problem. And it's a family problem now (for your son) to see this happening, so you're right to take action. Great advice below.

Diane D - I love your insight. My husband's father is a bully to his wife. She comes to our house and tries to control my husband. Her other son lives at home and she controls him. This is the first time I've ever understood why my MIL is like this. It finally makes sense. Thank you.

I only can give you what I see and feel from here....
You are young, your child is young. The marriage is young. Everyone will heal just fine from a quick exit. Once you're out, stand firm. Build the wall of boundaries and go through the courts like a beast, dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's. He *might* try to make your life be hell and you will be playing clean up with your son and his emotions after visitation but you can do it. Every other weekend *maybe* drama/trauma is easier than everyday for you both, because that is what you are setting yourself up for in the future if you stay. Be brave. You'll be fine.

You don't "cope" with him, you LEAVE him. Now.

Sweetie, I understand totally where you are coming from. I have read some of these comments and some of these ladies just don't know the ugly situation you are in. I have been right where you are now and it is horrible. I know you are scared to death. I was. My ex- told me if I left him, he would find me, steal our daughter(she was 2 at that time) and I would never see her again. You have to make a plan to leave, its dangerous to just walk out. It has to be the right time. My advice is while he is at work, pack you some clothes, pack your child some clothes and get the heck out of there. DON'T LOOK BACK! There is help out there for you. Call your local police department, they will put you in touch with a SAFE HOUSE. Please don't wait like I did and wake up in a ICU. This man sounds dangerous and needs help. Get out while you still can. Yes, maybe you do love him(I loved my husband) but love isn't suppose to hurt. Honey, this man DOES NOT love you. PLEASE! Get out now! Material things can be replaced but your life and the life of your child can't. Your child needs its mother alive and well. Like I said, there is help for women like you. These SAFE HOUSES will help you get away from him, help you find a place to live and help with the legal part of this as to keep him away from you. PLEASE DON"T LET HIM TALK YOU INTO COMING BACK. They don't change, if you go back it will be worse than before. You need to divorce this man and get away from him.

Please stop telling this terrible story and then saying "Please tell me what to do, I don't want a divorce." There is no point in asking for help if you aren't willing to face reality.

He has told you to leave. So do it. Take your child, get on a plane and go back home to your own country. Then he can spend his money the way he wants. Get a job in your own country. Send him an email after you arrive at your destination to let him know that you moved out and you don't want to have anything else to do with him.

You know that he is abusing you. You know that he is not going to change. You do not have to co-parent with him. All you have to do is leave and go home to your own country.

Get your money out of the bank and don't give him anymore of it. Move it to another bank instead. He cannot touch your money if it's not in the bank.

Reaching out for help is great but taking action is even greater. It's my hope that you'll read all of the advice given and use wisdom to do what's right for you and your son. You see the problem, you know the problem and now you need to begin protecting yourself from the problem.

Next time he tells you to leave you need to get up and walk out. Take the kiddo with you or don't go though.

Let him know that threat has ZERO issue with you.

You need to put money aside. Somewhere he can't find it. So that you can at least afford a hotel room for a few days while he frets over you not being intimidated by him and his telling you to get out.

If you'd rather leave when he's not there you can do that too. A hotel or a women's shelter are good places to consider.

You are allowing your child to learn that this is the way a man/husband acts toward their family.

If you are in a foreign country where you are not a citizen then perhaps having enough money set aside to flee that country isn't a bad idea either. Can you contact a consulate or something? If this country is all about a man having the right to do this or that and you having no rights then staying in that country might not be a good idea at all is my point.

One of my friends was in an arranged marriage and when they moved to the states she divorced him. It worked out well since he's in another state and only sees the kids a few times per year. They fly to him or he comes here and stays for a week or two. They often fly off somewhere in the world for vacation too. They see dad but live with mom and the man she met, fell in love with, and married a few years ago. She lives an incredibly blessed and happy life.

I was in your shoes once. There is a way, but it will end in divorce. You need to start preparing. You will have to squirrel some cash away. Open a bank account in your name only where you can start putting money. This way when you leave you aren't completely broke. Contact the Artemis Center. They will give you the best advice on how to get somewhere where you can be protected. You will have to file a protection order. They will have someone with you during that hearing. Get legal counseling before you leave so if you need specific documents as things move forward. It isn't easy. It isn't fun. Even if you have to co-parent, there are ways to do that so you don't have to come face to face with him. And please see a therapist. Not just for you, but for your son also. Staying in this type of relationship lets the child think that it is ok to treat people like that. And it isn't. Thoughts and prayers for you and your son.