Broke as Heck!

Updated on March 02, 2012
J.W. asks from Mount Vernon, IN
20 answers

I was married 21 years the first go around, we had 3 business's and I never had to worry about financial issues, plus I worked full time. Got divorced, very abusive crazy man...but anyway I am married to the love of my life I think? I got an inheritance and bought a house luckily, but he has not wanted to work since we got married much. 8 months in 2010, 3 months in 2011. We have spent all of my money. Im on unemployment and have been looking for a job no success yet, I take care of our baby girl 14 months old. He finally got a job a few weeks ago 10.50 an hour, but we are so far behind from him not working for the last 6 months it is scary..we spent our last $5.00 on a gallon of milk, we do have groceries, link card...Im getting sick to think I am living like this. All I know is that if I didn't love him why would I have put up with this financial hardship. Im getting ready to finish my settlement with my EX husband, but Im worried he will want to spend all of the money too! or possibly quit his job and live off of me. He has been asking several times a week if I have talked to my lawyer yet? We dont ever argue, fight and he has never called me anything hateful, which I was never used to with my EX, but this being broke is the worst feeling I think I have ever had in my life. Im getting depressed!

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answers from Portland on

Oh my! I suggest you put up with his not working, not because you love him, but because you don't love yourself enough.

You need to find a way to have a back bone, to put it crudely. IOne way out is to recognize it's your money! Sock it away and do not use it for day to day living. Do not enable him to not work.

I would take a long hard look at what I was getting out of this marriage. Sounds like you're willing to accept it the way it is is because it's better than your first marriage. I suggest you deserve better.

At the very least, I suggest that you and he need to get on the same page as far as finances go. Perhaps you don't argue about finances because you aren't willing to take a stand. A stand which would be very reasonable. A stand that requires that he contribute financially to this relationship in a consistent manner.

I would be up front with him and tell him that whatever money you get from your ex will be put away in a savings acct and will not be spent on day to day living. Then stick to it.

I also suggest that you use some of that money to get started in counseling so that you will find out that you are a good person who deserves better. I'm not saying you need to leave him. I'm saying you need to learn ways to stand up for yourself and get what you deserve.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

The "love of your life" wouldn't live off your money and then wait for you to get more. This man sounds like one that will leave as soon as all your money is gone. Then what?

Leave him now and hide any money you get from your ex before this man takes and spends it all!

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Do you think one of the reasons that you and your husband don't fight is because you just let him spend money instead of challenging him on his financial decisions?

This is not good. Not good at all. You have a 14 month old daughter to think about. You should put your foot down now, and tell your husband that this is the end of the insanity. You really are broke. And you can't fix things without his cooperation. If he can't step up and help support the family, you will end up with trashed credit, lose your house, and end up having no choice but to divorce him. Good luck to you. Sounds like you have a long road ahead of you.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

The love of your life (you think) sounds real dreamy.

I think you put up with him, because he's better then the man you left. "Better" is relative. He's not a good man, he's just not being crazy. Not a very high bar or a man to be held to. You are worth more then him, I'm just not sure you believe that.

The only way to salvage your life, is to seriously think about where this marriage is going to take you...and whether or not you really want to take that ride. He's used you and drained you dry to this point. I'm sorry I don't have more encouraging advice. IF it is something you want to stick out, then you need to get therapy and make this marriage into one that's worth it. YOU need to be in charge of finances, and HE needs to work.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

Put the money into your new individual bank account. I would not even let him be on the account. Of course he will spend it and not work if given the chance. Take care of you and your child. You can't afford not to.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Echo Marda P.

Your hubby is only doing what you're allowing him to do. Do not allow it anymore. Take your settlement and put it away; your daughter will be grown and need college money before you know it! Or, heaven forbid, if either you or she have medical issues you may need that money to pay for that. Or, you could use the money for retirement. There are so many things that are coming your way - do not squander this money. Work for your day to day living expenses and save this money! If you don't think he'll leave you alone about it, buy savings bonds or something like that so it's not "ready cash."

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

It is possible to have a man that is kind and that contributes financially. Your new husband sounds like he is using you and is lazy. Please don't let him plow through your settlement money, put it away for you and your daughter.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Take your blindfold off!!!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

It's not OK when a man has no desire to support himself. A good man will want to support his spouse as well. Sure, there are hills and valleys and sometimes the bread-winning role changes, but in general, a man who doesn't care to work much is a huge red flag. You may have gone from an abusive relationship into a sub-par one which is not uncommon. At any rate, you need your settlement in your own account. It is not for your new husband. It's for your child. Be strong. I hope you get a lot of advice here and elsewhere on what to do. You cannot live like this forever. If he doesn't make a huge change, you need an escape plan (and escape fund). Sorry you are going through this. Stand up for yourself!

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

He's spent enough already.
He's asking about the money figuring he can quit when it comes in.
Not a dime more should you give him.
Hide it from him in a separate account.
Tell him some story about your ex getting a good lawyer and there will be no more money.
His reaction should be interesting.
He's working now and he'd better get a move on to getting the bills paid.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

I went through a divorce 14 years ago and I've remained single since.
There is absolutely no way I would ever chance finding myself in your situation.
I've worked my butt off and happily done so to support ME and two kids.
I may be a bit old fashioned, so no offense to anyone, but it seems to me that a man should take some pride in providing for his family.
Just because YOU got an inheritance, it shouldn't have given him the impression he's living on Easy Street. And, I'm sorry, but waiting for money from your first husband? Seriously? Honey, he would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

You need to take care of yourself and your baby because it doesn't look like you have a husband who is in any big hurry to contribute.

It might sound harsh, but I would actually file for legal separation BEFORE your settlement comes in from your ex husband to insure there is NO WAY your current husband can get his hands on any of it. He'll either get pissed and leave or it will light a fire under his butt and put him on notice that he is not going to get a free ride.

Again, just my opinion and no offense.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I haven't read any other comments yet, but he is abusing you in a different way. I don't get hung up on who works or doesn't in a relationship as long as it works for the household. If you need him to work, he needs to work. You are not his "sugar mama" you are his wife. If he wanted someone to take care of him he needs to find someone else. I would not share any of your settlement w/him and he is not entitled to it. If you question that he is the love of your life, he is not. You should get some conseling(sp) to find out why you seem to have these unhealthy marriages. Money is not everything, you can't take it with you, but you need it while you are here! Do not let him or anyone else take advantage of you. Let him know that that money is yours, not his, not ours, yours. He is to continue working and you will continue to look for a job. Do not tolerate him quitting his job, if he does you may need to consider alternatives. Not cause money is so important but b/c of what his actions say about his feelings for you and his character. Have you talked to him about this? If not sit him down asap, he may not realize what he is doing( i'm sure he does, just trying to be positive here). You have to think about your well-being as well as your child's he may not be what is best for you. Good Luck! Stay strong!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

It sounds like you went from the frying pan to the fire. :(

Hope you can get this turned around soon.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

You have a few strikes against you. The inheritance was yours not his to spend. The settlement you get from your ex is yours. He is NOT entitled to any of it. Put it in a CD or something that he can't get his hands on it or it will be gone and you will be in the same boat (not learning anything) again.

Any man that kept asking me when my money was coming in has got to go. He needs to pony up and work and provide for you. If he continues and makes life hard for you you know what you got to do - boot him out the door. Look out for yourself and your kids. Freeloaders need not apply there.

You got to get a plan and work it or you will be out in the street with no roof over your head.

Good luck to you. Stand firm and put on your big girl panties and say no.

The other S.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

The love of your life wouldn't treat you like this. I couldn't respect a man that behaved like what you've described. It would disgust me that I was on public assistance because he was so lazy. It's infatuation, maybe the sex is great, but if my husband didn't pull his weight we'd basically have nothing to talk about, no way to relate, and we sure as hell wouldn't be having sex.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

First, you are getting sick from this (your words). Second, you have a precious baby girl to consider. Third, how does he feel about the situation? If he thinks your ex is the solution to all your problems, what does that say? Does he feel bad about the situation? Worried? Or hopeful that you will 'come through' as you have in the past? NOT judging you, sweetie. Just hoping all these wonderful moms will give you some pause to think about things. Big hugs and blessings to you and your little one cuz you have to look out for her, too.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Take your settlement money, go to a financial planner, and invest it! Do not let your current man get a hold of that money.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

What exactly makes him the love of your life and I don't understand why in the world you would have a baby with someone who was having sex with a 17 year old? You were married but didn't have a baby at that point.

Please think more of yourself and your children, you are NOT a stu[id child.

He can't live off you if you work your butt off and get a job and leave this bum. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Why would you put up with him? You now see what he is really like and have a decision to make for you and your child.

Be strong and do the right thing.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

Of course he is going to want it. You need to budget every penny of it. Then tell the new guy that the money is for this purpose of.....what ever it is. If it is for you and you alone the you may of course do what you want.

Me? I would tell him it was going into an account and if he kept a good paying job for 1 year he could have $x.xx.

I would also pay everything in advance. When I got financial aid in college I would pay my utilities and phone up for up to a year in advance. That way I always knew I had shelter and utilities. Because even if you have a home, if you don't have full utilities the state can come take your kids.

I would also do this:

Let's say the amount you are going to get it $10,000. All the bills are past due. Payment of everything up to date and at least one month ahead takes all but $2,000. I would give him $800 and tell him it is money he does not have to be accountable for. He can go buy a TV, a car, a pack of bubble gum, bubble solution. It is for spending and blowing on nothing at all. It is not earmarked for food, shelter, clothing, beer, cigarettes, anything he wants. If he comes to you tomorrow asking for money to go get McDonalds the money you gave him does not come into it. It is his blow money. Not for anyone else.

Them you take the same amount. As far as he is concerned the money is gone. You save the rest in a separate account. Do not use it for everyday stuff, only in the event you get a cut off notice for a 24 hour bill. Make him pay like he is the support of the household.

Anything you buy that is in both your names with this money would be wrong in my mind. If you two split up at some point in the future he gets to take part of this item that was truly meant for you. It's not his money at all. It is yours and you have responsibilities to use it for the purposes that it is meant for. But still, everyone needs to have a spending spree sometimes.

1 mom found this helpful
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