I Have Changed and Not Putting up with One-sided Relationships

I hear ya - I've had a couple instances where people showed their true colors. I found it very sad that many of them were "situational friends," where they really only cared about me if we were working together, or I was doing something for them.

You wrote a terrific, succinct post - communicate with those people in that way. "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." (and don't say any more). If you don't respond to calls, texts, or emails, they MIGHT get the message, but it's a pretty passive-aggressive way to go, and they may keep chasing you. It would be more efficient to answer them and just say no.

Good luck!

Good for you!!!!

I went through a similar experience when caring for my Mom on hospice. many people who I thought were friends never called, stopped by offered help... etc. When Mom passed most of my friends didn't bother to come to the funeral, send a card or flowers. I decided these people are not friends and slowly removed them from my life.

I saw on facebook...

"Never cross an ocean for someone who won't even step over a puddle for you."

Yes, it's okay to stop being the go-to person. It's okay to take care of yourself - sometimes a serious illness teaches us that. And if people have disappointed you by not stepping up to the plate, then you have to see them for their limitations.

I think the best way is to calmly say, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to do X for you." Don't explain it, don't try to come up with a list of pressures and obligations you have that trump their situation, don't get into a rant about how hurt you are by their failures. If they haven't seen your side of things up to now, they may never - you can't demand that they walk in your shoes or develop empathy. And telling them how ticked off you are can often just sap your strength, which is bad for you.

If you focus on your own backbone and your own principles, if you tell yourself that you have survived cancer for a reason (perhaps that you are meant for better and more positive things in the future), then keep yourself on a positive path! There's a saying that, "When people show you who they are, believe them." The good people will realize that you did a lot for them just by your not doing it all the time, and the selfish/clueless people will work on finding someone else to ask while they pity themselves in the meantime. If you stay positive and strong and not angry/bitter, you will stress yourself out less and attract more positive people.

You can ignore calls/texts, or you can reply SIMPLY "Sorry, no can do. Good luck." If the person persists, keep it so simple - "I thought I answered you that I'm not able to do that." But keep out the explanations, which are defensive in nature and sapping of your strength. Whining/complaining people. "Sorry to hear that. I'm still catching up after having cancer so I sympathize. Hope you find an answer soon. Bye." (Only say that cancer sentence if your cancer recovery is fairly recent.) Now and then, if you are helping someone out who WAS there for you and the whining person comments on it, you can say "You now, Isabelle was so wonderful to me when I had cancer and my husband had to work to keep the benefits going, I desperately want to be there for her now that she is in need. I'm sure you understand. Bye-bye." But the trick is to get the message across succinctly and without accusation. Think of these calls as being 30 second commercials - you only have a brief moment to get your message across. Some people will get it and buy what you're selling, others will be oblivious. That's okay.

Just don't let them all suck the life out of you. People will eventually stop asking you. If you block their numbers, it may make you look vindictive. But you don't have to answer every one either or reply to every message/text.

Move on - there are great people out there just waiting for you!

You don't need to be mean but when someone calls then answer and say 'sorry this isn't a good time for me to talk. Hope you have a great day; and hang up. Do it every time and they'll stop calling. When someone asks you a favor a simple 'Sorry but that won't work for me right now' with no explaination because they don't need to know your reason. If all they are looking for is favors they'll stop asking once you don't help out a few times.

The only thing I'll tell you is that illness is hard for everyone. They might have stayed away so that you could concentrate on your health not knowing that their support was important. People are pretty unaware of things that don't hit them in the face.

You've been through hell and back. That's for sure. I am so sorry that no one stepped up to help.

But that being said, I think that it would be in your best interest to talk to a counselor who deals with cancer survivors. You have a lot of anger and you really need some help managing it. If you don't, you may end up severing every relationship you have.

You might think that I'm not listening to your feelings here, but I am. It's just that right now, you are SO close to the problem that you need help from someone with experience dealing with people who have gone through this.

No matter how angry you are, don't write them your feelings. If you feel that you can't speak kindly or just beg off whatever the conversation is about, don't answer the phone or text. Don't email back.

You need to work on taking care of you and getting help with these painful feelings. Please don't do it by yourself. It's too hard and will take you so long. It's not worth it, treading dark waters like this by yourself.

It's great you realize you want to change but it's harder than you think.
First off - you don't owe anyone any explanations.
If/when they come to you and want something, you say
"Oh, that's a shame. I really hope you find a way to work that out!" and leave it at that.
All the while you NEED to think to yourself
"Not my circus. Not my monkeys." and don't take on any responsibility or even worry about what anyone is trying to dump on you.
You let it slide off your back.
And if that means they no longer come to you? Celebrate!
What it REALLY means is they've gone off to find someone else to mooch off of.

Oprah addressed this once (yep, I'm going to quote Oprah!) She suggested a very powerful, but very effective phrase:

That doesn't work for me.

Your life needs to work for YOU. Every choice you make costs you energy time, money, something. If people are asking you to do things beyond what you're comfortable giving - you have every right to say no. Congrats on your victories, keep at it! You're an inspiration :)

First, congrats on surviving cancer!! Second, YES, you need to say NO to people. Additionally, you need to get rid of any that are toxic to your well-being in every sense of the word.

I used to be like you - and I ended up always being mad at myself and feeling run over and taken advantage of. And like you, when I needed these people the most, no one was there for me! It's taken me a long time to take action, but I am the happiest I've been in years. Whether they were friends or family members, I have removed the toxic people from my life and I'm so much better for having done so!

Stand up for yourself and say NO!!

Good luck!!

As others have said (and I've learned here) - "NO" is a complete sentence. Don't explain yourself or why you can't do something. Try "That doesn't work for me". If all else fails, try NO again and leave it at that. The perspective that comes after surviving an illness can be a blessing. You really learn who your friends are when you're the one in need.

You need to think about this. Yes, you survived and changed. BUT we are a unit, a village, we need each other. When we have a need we have to rely on our friends and family. When we see a need we're supposed to take what we've been blessed with and help others.

I know, yes there are, people get used to calling on others too often and they need to learn independence. Why not see if there is a need for....a....life coach type of relationship with some of these people. Then you can say to them.

"Sweetie, you seem to always need help from everyone else and I'm wondering why this one thing is so hard. Maybe we can brainstorm and come up with some ideas of how you can solve (Insert problem here, why you always need a ride, why you can't get to your appointments on time, why you don't have enough money to buy the necessities of life).

Sometimes it takes an outsider to look at the macro problem instead of being caught up in the micro problems where you can't look at the big picture.

If people call you and ask for help with things have you considered they might be doing this to get you out of the house? To have some one on one time with you because you've been through so much. Maybe they think you need things to do.

Just tell them you're tired and can't do it for them. Tell them you love them but please find another friend that can do these things for them.

You are alive, blessed, strong, and have conquered. These things change you and sometimes a person who's been through these things swing far to the other side for a while then they go back to a more familiar place. They will not go back to where they were before but somewhere in the middle. It's not a bad thing.

I'm so happy for you.

Congrats on being a Survivor!!! Surviving cancer changes most people. I wouldn't worry about or try to explain your new mindset - just get ready with the "no" when asked to do things. Eventually people will catch on and they will either step up to the plate and become a true "friend," or they will drift away.

So wonderful to hear that you are healthy again! I agree with the others who are saying that you should say "no", but not give them the actual reason why you are saying no. You can set new boundaries and protect your time and energy without explaining that you think they are using you.

I have a friend who went through cancer as well and swung too far in the other direction. Now she will not bend at all and be flexible with her time. It has been 8 years. Her children and husband are also second fiddle to anything she wants to do. It's interesting to watch. I try to be extra generous with her and understand it is a by product of the huge stress she went through. It's hard not to see it as being selfish, but I do understand how it could happen.

I very much suggest that you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Realizing that you've been engaging in codependent behavior and wishing to make a change is wonderful. But you don't have to cut people off, nor do you have to respond angrily or defensively. You simply have to gently return the control over their situation back to them. You do that by establishing and maintaining boundaries.

So when someone calls who is always asking for help, you don't have to stop answering, simply say, "I'm sorry that is happening. What do you plan to do?" Let them be responsible for their own business. If they ask for help? "I can't help you with that. I wish you the best and hope you can work through this. I think you have some good ideas to try."

Put the responsibility firmly back onto their shoulders instead of shouldering it (and the guilt) yourself.

You don't have to be angry or disappointed. You chose to help them when they asked, didn't create any boundaries, and allowed yourself to be used. You chose, dear. So don't be too very upset with those who took what was offered. Now you can make a change, but you don't have to angrily burn every bridge now that you've realized that you dislike how you allowed others to treat you. Make those healthy boundaries and choose differently.

This is a huge change. I know it is, I've been there. Be proud of yourself...but also be gentle with yourself and others. ♥

Congratulations on being a survivor.

When you truly learn to say "no," you learn to say it without being annoyed at the person asking.

So simply say no, 'Sorry, I can't do that,' when that's what you want to do. No need to be angry at the person asking. I figure anyone can ask a question, they just have to be willing to hear 'no' in response. If they don't like it, that's really their problem, not yours.

If people didn't help you when you needed it, you know where to put them on the friendship list.

Yes, the best way to handle it is to just let people fade away, no one is going to take kindly to being told that a friend thinks they are a user.

Many people feel very uncomfortable around illness, they don't know what to say or how to say it. Many people would assume that someone who was sick would not want people hanging around, and that they would rather only be with family. Unless you actually asked point blank for some kind of help they did not give you while you were sick I would not be so fast to cut off good friends who maybe thought you wanted privacy or who were unsure of how they could actually help and figured you would ask if you wanted them around. Just a thought.

Different people and circumstances may need to be handled differently. Try to be polite by treating them how you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot.

Everytime you make a decision, you don't necessarily owe the person an explanation as to why you are doing or not doing something. As others have said, "No." is a complete sentence.

Also understand some people aren't mature enough to handle a sick and possibly dying friend. The question then becomes do you hold it against them? If you do for how long or do you try to understand their mindset and just hold them in a different place in your life.?

When my mom was sick unto death, one of my best friends went ghost. Since I have a large friend pool, her absence was noticed but I know her well enough to know death isn't her strong suit. About a year and a half after the funeral we got the chance to talk and she was a wreck. Turns out she just didn't know how to deal with the entire situation or how to comfort me and deal with her own feelings and fears. It was really a lot for her and she loved my mom like a mom. So I really couldn't hold her actions against her but I did have to make a slight adjustment in how I processed our friendship. She is still a freind but I don't have the same expectations of her capacity in our friendship.

I'm glad you're doing better and I really hope this helps.

Going through cancer treatment does so many things to a person. Your priorities change and the people in your life change. You either keep them or you toss them.

If your friends can't accept that change in you then, you need to let them go and really severe the ties whether they are family or friends. Block them and do not return calls. No need to explain anything more to them.

You have other things to do in your life besides be the giver constantly. One sided relationships do not work. Each side has to be willing to give if not it is like beating your head against the wall and getting a splitting headache with no relief.

I, too, am a cancer survivor and you do see the world in a whole different light and view. So welcome to the family of cancer survivors and live your life for you. As long as you are positive you will find new friends to fill the void of the old.

the other S.

Love Diane B's advice below. Super.

Congratulations on beating cancer!

I have an illness, and can relate to what you are saying. It was an eye opener. I learned a lot about the relationships I had with people. And myself. I was not good at asking for help. I just sort of expected it to happen. Nope. And I learned that I had been a giver in a lot of my relationships. And that when I was too tired to give anymore, those relationships fizzled up.

Some of the kindest people were people I barely knew. Moms who offered to take my kids to activities. Coaches who would pick my kids up for practice.

As for people who ask for favors and want to take advantage, say no to them. Don't ignore their texts and emails. I say this because it's more empowering to say no. I had a new neighbor wanted us to do favors, wanted me to take on stuff that had nothing to do with me - and I used to dread seeing her phone number pop up no my phone. I used to dread going outside in case she would run over and ask me for one more favor.

I felt so un-empowered by avoiding her. And it was passive-aggressive ... which I'm not into.

Finally I said "I'm uncomfortable with you asking me for this stuff". It FELT amazing. Scary but amazing. I thought do I want to piss off my next door neighbor? But I viewed it as protecting myself. And I said "Why can't you do it?". I don't know if I shamed her or not, but thankfully she stopped asking.

Good luck :) keep us posted!

When I was 39 it hit me I was going to be 40, life was passing me by and I didn't want to spend the rest of it being unhappy. So I got divorced, ended friendships and started to say NO to things I didn't want to do.

It was actually easy. I just didn't return calls or emails, if someone asked me to do something I just said, no, sorry I can't. NO explanation and if they kept asking, just kept rephrasing that I couldn't...no excuse, just I'm not able to. After awhile, they all gave up. lol

I also went from over 500 people on facebook to 120. I didn't want people to have access to my life that didn't really care about me.

If I were you, if anyone did actually ask you, I would just say I had a life changing experience (cancer) and it's made me see things differently and I've decided to make some changes and live simply. I would tell them you are staying away from drama and only focusing on what is important to you and your family and what will make you happy.

I wish you the best. Good luck!

glad you are healthy... thing is, cancer while physical.. we can also have cancerous relationships.. therefore, sounds like when you healed the physical, the emotional cancer has taken more time to mend.. that can happen.. but if those people are only takers, then you must rid yourself one and for all of them.. otherwise, the cancer is never completely out of your life..
it's a painful process.... you fought a hard battle.... if you can beat cancer.. you can lose these disrespectful people.. a giver will always attract a taker.. but bear in mind, a taker will always attract a giver.. sometimes we enable people and teach them to treat us as such..now, it's time to teach NEW friends that you will not be taken advantage of...
I too have had to change up my friendships, but this took time. it first took me learning to better respect myself.. once that began to happen.. a whole new world opened up for me...
this will happen for you..
you got this... go out make the positive happen.. it's your day, your world and your life... blessings to you for continued healing...

whoo hooo!!! you beat the bastard!
GO YOU!!
i'm sure that it has caused you to re-evaluate and draw bright boundary lines. that's a good thing.
when you 'explain' it to the people who are trying to mooch or use, of course it doesn't come off as you'd like. of course it causes hurt and stress. they're not asking for your explanations, or your observations on their characters. they're asking you to do stuff for them. so the correct is response is 'no.'
without the explanations, either about the stuff itself, or the people themselves.
you don't have to go all the way to the other extreme of just refusing to respond (it's not a terrible solution, but it does have a degree of passive-aggression that will probably continue to make you angry.) and you do sound angry, hon. but you can start to work on that by developing and using a calm, courteous NO. it doesn't have to be abrupt and rude. nor does it have to come with caveats and lengthy dissertations. and absolutely not with apologies.
'hi thelma! oh, you need someone to watch your dog for you next week? i won't be available for that. good luck!'
'nice to hear from you, cousin itt. need someone to organize thanksgiving this year? no, i won't be able to do that. have you tried cousin morticia? she's busy? well, i'm sure you'll find someone. must run- have a great day.'
'good morning PTO prez! no one to organize the book sale? no, i can't help you. geez, i know how tough it must be. best of british luck to you!'
i am very happy with my status as the not-go-to-person.
:) khairete
S.