How Do You Stop Being Such a Giving Person?

My oldest sister is SOOO much like you. I really get frustrated with her helping, she helped someone so much that she had to sell her own dinning room table and she now has a thrift store ping pong table as her dinning room table. I told her that if she wanted to help someone she needed to do something for her self first.

Gerri, You do not deserve any "toughen up responses". I am in awe of you and your giving spirit. I agree with you though that you need to learn to say no to others at this point and just take care of your families needs. Wow, you have a lot on your plate! God Bless you and your family!

I think you sound like an amazing woman - God bless you. He knows what you have done for others, and someday He will reward you. I truly believe that it's better to get heaven's reward rather than the earthly one.

I also want to recommend a tiny little book that has helped me so much: "Boundaries - When to Say Yes - When to Say No - Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Coud and Dr. John Townsend. I think I got it for $5.

Praying for your and your husband and family.

I like to call it Enlightened Selfishness. If you find a better balance, you will be able to fight for yourself and the things you need, while still living your life of warmth and generosity. Take care of yourself, and remember, it's okay to put yourself first every once in a while. In fact, it's really important that you do so.

(((Gerri)))). It's always a balance to be such a giver and also to be a taker when it's necessary.

Right now it sounds like you need to table everyone else s needs and put you and your family first. It's not selfish, it's necessary! You have enough on your table right now.

Your friend - is she really a good friend? At this point I'd expect that she'd be doing more for me than complaining about what she doesn't have. Who needs a friend like this? What has she done for YOU lately? Has she taken you out to lunch or a pedi/mani just to get you out of the house for a couple hours? Who needs those kind of folks in their lives?

Since you'll be moving soon, and probably cleaning out a lot of old things anyway, why don't you clean out some of those 'friends'?

Nothing wrong with helping others, but sometimes we have to put that aside to help ourselves.

Stay strong dear lady and put yourself first for a while.

Some people are only "takers" in life and they look for friends that are "givers" thus beginning the "enabler" process to work. You feel good giving, friend feels good taking :)
Since you are a natural giver your radar is skewed.
I do trust that with all of the giving you have done over the past will come full circle for you. The timing is usually right when you most need it. Do you have any friends that are givers like you? If so, you may call on them and let them know you are in need. If you have a history of only giving to people that are just not able to give back in any form you cant expect them to pull rabbits out of their "poor" hat to help you.
You may be a super sensitive person when it comes to others.... a lot of people do not think past their own noses in most cases and unless you hit them in the head with a hammer they do not know you could use some gas money, or a ride to the grocery store unless you ask them for one.
Don't be afraid to ASK. ask and it shall be given.

Gerri I could have written this post myself. I have learned to not expect from others because most times they will come up short. Do because you want to and not because you expect anything in return. I do know that when I lay my head on my pillow each night I can rest knowing that I am a good person with good morals, and have done everything in my power to live a good life. I have reaped the rewards of giving, it has taken time but I know God always gives back. I cared for my mother in law (died in my home) father in law (also died in my home) and my step dad (also died in my home) My father in law lived with me for 19 years of my marriage and in his death has taken such wonderful care of my family. Because of him and his appreciation I was able to open my own business and now have a wonderful life. I know right now you do not see the light at the end of the tunnel but continue to be the good person you are and your time will come. Be wise and choose who you do for, it is difficult to figure that out the deserving people and sometimes you will get hurt , and disappointed in the process. But remember the most important person is watching and that is God he will carry you and take care of you for your selflessness. You are truly an inspiration and although you think it goes unnoticed it doesn't. There are many more selfish people in this world then selfless, but it feels so much better to give. My motto is your not living unless you are giving!!! God bless you and your family, hang in there and I am confident things will change. NEW YEAR NEW START!!!

You need to learn to "just say no" to requests that are asked of you...Im alot like you in that way & my ex husand used to get furious, accused me of being there for everyone else...Your right we dont give to get something in return but we do hope if need be, those we help will help us...Theres nothing wrong with politely telling people/friends, Im sorry I have alot going on and would help you if I could, but I need to help myself & my family FIRST...if they are really your friends, they will understand, if not, maybe you need to evaluate your friendship...my heart goes out to you, it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders...sometimes the let go...let god approach is best...I wish you & your family a much happier & healthier New Year!

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I think sometimes we all get too wrapped up in our own lives to really think enough about others. I know i'm guilty of this.
what I'm curious about is are you telling people how bad things are and they don't care? are you asking for help and not receiving it? or expecting people to magically know what you need?
It sounds like you have been WAY too helpful in the past. If you feel someone owes you money come right out and ask for it and tell them you need it desperately (feel free to exagerate!) If you feel people owe you favors-I dont think that's how favors work. . I guess now is when you will find out who your true friends are and cut some people out of your life who are not.

Maybe you could start thinking of yourself in the third person and you could find it a bit easier to give to yourself as well as you give to others. Before handing money out, put aside a set amount in a savings account for you first. What ever is left after that is for running the house, lending to whoever needs it, etc. What will these people do without you to look after them? If you don't learn to look out for yourself, they may have to learn to live without you if your health fails before it''s time.

I'm sorry that you have hit such a rough patch in life. What I have found that the people who are givers usually attract the people who are takers. It's a balancing act. Now that you are in a different time in your life and need a shoulder or two to lean on, the takers -- who are not very good givers -- are usually not very helpful. But I'm sure that you I don't need to tell you that.

So how do you learn to put yourself first? It's just that. It's meeting your own needs before you consider helping someone else out. It's making sure that you eat breakfast instead of skipping breakfast because you are too busy getting the kids ready for school. It's using that $10 in your wallet to buy yourself some special mineral bath salts instead of giving it to a friend who who most likely never pay it back. It's allowing others to do for themselves and figure out their own problems just like you and your family are having to do for your ownselves and figure it out as you go as well. It's investing your time in relationships where there is reciprocity. I have found the hard way, that good friends -- or rather, the "good for me" friends -- usually will share their problems with me because we are there for each other but they never expect me to fix their problem.

Once you start being less of a giver, you are going to find that the takers won't stick around but that's okay. And you will probably start finding yourself overcompensating for being too much of a giver by inadvertently becoming somewhat of a taker or just not giving at all. Eventually, with practice, you will learn how to balance the give and the take of relationships so that it is healthy for you and healthy for your friends and family as well.

Hang in there. I'll be sending prayers of healthy and clarity your way.

Because you were always the go-to person, most likely those not offering help, think you can handle it as you always have. If you don't ask you don't receive. Yes people are central minded , but they can have their eyes open if you simply say "hey I'm the one in need here, can you give me a hand?" Ask yourself this, since you are such a giving person and most likely pride yourself on being a support to others, what is the likelyhood you would accept help if offered? You should vent all you want and then be who you truly are, give when you can and start to understand you deserve to lean on people too and ask for it. Good luck to you and your family.

You are truly a giving spirit and it WILL come back! You just don't know what form it will come back to you in--or when.

The only things I can suggest is before you give, look at WHO you're giving to. Is this person deserving? Did they squander their money on partying and then ask you for money? Or do they truly need it? Do they keep coming back to you for more? If so, cut them off! Some people are selfish and will use you. Don't allow it! Save your generosity for those who deserve it.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help. Probably lots of your friends are willing to help, but they don't know what to help you with! Don't be afraid to ask for favors back, especially if you helped them in a time of need.

God Bless you!

Have you ever heard the saying "no good deed goes unpunished?" It sometimes feels like that is what is happening in our lives, if we are giving people who never put themselves first, and always think of others. I myself had to look at how I was living, and who I was surrounding myself with at one point when my own family had a few major cirsis and it seemed like the "friends" who I would have or should have been able to count on were not there, but those who I really didn't consider to be all that close came through everytime. It is amazing to find out who your true friends are. (sometimes quite sad as well) My husband and I have said time and time again that "this is it, no more helping or doing things for other people, we are putting ourselves first and looking out for #1" However, we are just not those type of people. It isn't in us to look away when we see someone in need. Especially if we can do anything to help. (even if the helping takes away from us, we still want to help) It's just part of who we are, and I think I have come to the conclusion that after all of these years I really believe that's a big part of what attracted me to my husband in the first place. His generous and giving spirit. Maybe it was part of what he liked about me too? All I know is that it is a big part of who we are, and we HAVE gotten much better at saying NO, and deciding who to help and just how much. There are people who I have walked away from when the time was right, because let's face it, you can only be walked on for so long before you have to break free. It really is a balancing act, buit I know that I wouldn't be the same person if I didn't help out at all. I wouldn't like the person that I would become, and I also wouldn't like the lessons that it would have taught my children. They are growing up to be wonderful and generous young adults. Keep your chin up, there are lots of people out there who live to complain. They feed on misery and are professional victims. There are people who live to use others too. They will never lend a hand to help out another no matter what the circumstance. Then there are people like you. The ones who make it all worth it. Who are honestly kind and generous, who will help out and want to try to make life better for someone, who are working hard at living a good life, who want to be happy. You will be surprised, when you aren't really looking, someone will shock you and do something wonderful for you or your family. It does happen. It may not be done by the person who you expected the good deed from but it will still come. I say don't change, but weed out the people who you know are there only to use you. None of us need that drama. Good luck with your life, and stay aware. I am hoping that 2011 is a year that leaves you breathless and amazes you in every good way imaginable. Sounds like you deserve it!

Learn to say no and learn to ask for help. Perhaps people don't understand the brevity of your situations. Or maybe they are cold hearted. Perhaps it's a mix of both.

It's not that you need to be less giving, but that you need to understand your boundaries on how much you can afford to give financially. This is coming from a person who watched her father slowly and painfully die from leukemia... he also bent over backwards to help people and enjoyed it, but they often did little for him, even when he was in pain and alone dying in a hospital room.

People get busy and think of themselves. To the friend complaining about her sex life, I would simply say, "You should be grateful your husband doesn't have cancer and can't have sex for months on end from it. I just really don't want to hear about your sex life right now".

I am the same type of person and can feel the same way a lot. I also have people in my family who aren't like that. Although there ARE some people out there who are only wrapped up in their own lives and needs, there are others that DO care, BUT are just not as in tune to others as the more sensitive (intuitive) type. My husband and one of my daughters are like that. They are caring people who aren't always aware of others' needs. It can sometimes come off as being too wrapped up in their own lives as to not care about anyone else, but I know them well and that is not the case. My oldest daughter is a real sensitive type and will pick up on a slight change in my voice to know that something is wrong. I even had a discussion with my husband and daughters over Christmas break about this type of thing. I said, "Why is it that you have to either be the punching bag or the puncher in life?" That's what it can feel like at times. I don't want to be either. There HAS to be a middle ground somewhere.

I think it is the sensitive type who are always dropping their needs for someone else's and even though we don't "expect" anything in return, we feel we're running on empty because no one is filling our needs (or so it seems).

This is really hard.

I think part of the key is this: if you give something or do something for anyone else- money, help, emotional support, etc.- you need to really take a good hard look at the situation first and ask yourself why you are doing it, and if it is really something you want to do. Or- are you doing it because someone is making you feel guilty, or you are worried about what others will think if you don't?

Either way, once you figure out exactly how YOU feel about the situation, then you can decide what you want to do. It might be hard to break the habit of automatically saying 'yes' no matter what or who is asking, but you need to do that.

Secondly, and maybe even more importantly- once you really think about a situation and make a well-thought out decision to help someone or do something you must then LET IT GO.

If you choose to give money to a man on the side of the road, of course you hope it isn't a scam. You hope he really needs it. You hope he will spend it on food or a warm coat and not on booze or drugs. BUT- once you give that money, you have to release control of it. Know that YOU acted in good faith and for a good reason and that has GOT to be enough for you.

You cannot ever control other people's reactions or behavior, etc. Sadly, even friends will sometimes disappoint you. You might help someone and think they will be grateful- but they are so embarrassed they had to ask that instead they cut you out and stop talking to you.

That kind of thing is painful- especially when you yourself might be going through tough times and need the same help and support back. But- again, you have to know in your heart that you did what you did for the right reasons- just to be a good person and help out- and that has to be the main reason why you did it.

I am not saying allow so-called 'friends' to take advantage of you all the time. People who do that just suck you dry. But- your REAL friends will want to help and support you and will show themselves true and loyal, no matter what is going on in your life.Focus on them- and remember, be true to yourself. You are a good person and did what you did out of that goodness and fairness. Just weigh each situation as it comes and be strong about what YOU really want to do. Good luck!

Please don't stop - this world really needs giving people. BUT -- Don't give to the point of giving yourself away though, because your family needs you. I know just how you feel -- I am always the one to "do" for others, always say "yes" but have accepted that it is my nature and just how I am. If you are in a time of need, ASK for help, and you will get it. We have given and given, and recently, when we went through a foreclosure, we got a very unexpected monetary gift (that we actually did not ask for) -- I do believe people who give get something back. I also never hesitate to remind people how very lucky they are who are complaining about what I perceive to be some insignificant problem (like sex 3 times a week LOL) . Maybe that is what you are meant to do - help people you know put things in perspective. Best of luck with your troubles.